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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think staying with in laws is not a holiday

79 replies

Caramelsalt · 30/08/2016 21:51

DH parents moved to France years ago, before our children came along. They have recently started with slight digs about how we do not go to visit them. We have been over a few times but not since kids were born....they live in the middle of nowhere and visiting involves a plane and car hire or ferry and a 12 hour drive in France neither of which are cheap. Also if we visited we cannot go when the weather is good as they let out their holiday cottage to paying guests so have to go off season. Other things that put me off are:

  1. Have to completely self cater so again adds to cost (bit bitter about this as we always feed/booze/house them when they come to us)
  2. Last time we went PILS drank all our booze(enough to last the week) and then got huffy when we didn't buy more.
3.Absolutely fuck all to do there, nothing in walking distance, several hours drive from beach etc. I don't know what they see in it!

It's not that I dislike them although to be honest we see so little of them I don't really have much of a relationship with them either. I just feel that considering it's so boring and expensive I would much rather spend the money and precious annual leave entitlement on something the whole family would enjoy. DH is starting to talk about going back over but I think it's more out of feeling obligated than anything else but I feel bad saying no. Am I being a miserable selfish git??

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 31/08/2016 10:17

I can't believe they don't at least host you a little bit. They sound mean and uncompromising and quite unwelcoming.

LanaorAna1 · 31/08/2016 10:18

PIL are mean not to feed you. Are they skint?

There must be something to do round their neck of the woods - where is it? I've been to some pretty out of the way places in France and it always turns out the locale is stuffed with churches, museums, walks etc. But not so good for kidlings... suggest you tell PIL you'll be along 'when the children appreciate the area a bit more'.

eurochick · 31/08/2016 10:23

My ILs have a place in France too but I love going. Ryanair flies to loads of little airports in France so we do that and hire a car.

We usually only go for a long weekend and are made to feel very welcome. It's not wholly relaxing as the house isn't toddler- proofed and there is a pool, but I don't think any holiday with young children is!

In your shoes I would spend a couple of days with the grandparents and then head off somewhere for a proper holiday. France has loads to offer and you haven't said where it is but you might also be within easy reach of neighbouring counties. My IL's place is a couple of hours from the Spanish border.

bigbluebus · 31/08/2016 10:34

In those circumstances I definitely wouldn't see it as a holiday. But we have 'holidayed' at the ILs for many years after they moved to an area which is generally accepted as a tourist area - although they are 8 miles from the coast. The also had what was a holiday cottage next to their house (athough they have never let it out - it was the previous owners who did) but we had an arrangement which worked for us both. MIL would stock up the cottage with basics for breakfasts eg bread, honey/jam, ingredients for 1 or 2 cooked breakfasts, tea/coffee/milk etc. She would agree evenings on which she would cook an evening meal - usually 3 nights in the week, we would in return take our portable BBQ and invite them over to their cottage one evening and also buy them fish and chips on another night - both things they would never do on their own. They would come out with us for one day trip but the rest of the time we were free to go out for the whole day as we pleased and then have a drink and a chat with them when we got back. That arrangement most definitely worked as a family holiday for us for many years (children grown up now). Your circumstances OP, on the other hand would not and I think the suggestions of meeting them half way at a resort are a good compromise, although if they just sit and do crosswords it doesn't sound as though they'd be a barrel of laughs even then - but at east you can go out and leave them to it.

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 10:39

Yes, on a happier note - as your children get older, it will be a great base for exploring Europe. We love a good summer road trip.

OliviaBenson · 31/08/2016 10:40

Yes but if it's let out in the summer, when ops kids are at school they won't be able to visit.

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 10:43

Good grief, there's really no upside.

crayfish · 31/08/2016 11:05

Oh god we have this. My in laws have a place in italy, its a small town in the middle of nowehere and other than going for coffee there is really nothing to do there. You have to hire a car to get anywhere and the beach is also about an hour away. We have been over there twice but its self catering obviously and I just found it as much work as I do at home and really really boring. They seem to enjoy spending every day wandering round the little town and having a coffee, which is fine when youre 70 but isn't going to entertain a small child! They keep making rumblings about us going back over again but like you, I would rather spend my money and annual leave doing something we will actually enjoy. We have actually booked a cottage in November in Scotland for a week for the price of one flight to Italy and we haven't told them because we know they'll start saying we should be going over there instead.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/08/2016 11:25

God Noway, sounds awful. Can you have a hotel near and visit them sometimes, then do your own thing.

Huldra · 31/08/2016 12:03

I would use them as a stop over every couple of years. Say they are in Limosin or Gers and you're going via calais ; visit then carry on to pyrenees or west to the coast. If they're more East of the country and it's of season then theres always centre parks in Germany, France ect or Landal resorts.

My parents lived somewhere interesting by the sea and we mainly visited them for pat of our holiday.

rollonthesummer · 31/08/2016 16:04

I wouldn't want to

A) use them as a stop off. It's a long enough journey by the sounds of it with kids, travelling even further sounds hell on earth

B) go when it's out of peak! We've been to France in May half term and the weather was shocking! All the little touristy towns weren't yet open for the season. Unless you wanted to eat moules and frites in a cold steamed up plastic cafe listening to the pounding rain, there was little else to do!

YelloDraw · 31/08/2016 16:06

In your shoes I would spend a couple of days with the grandparents and then head off somewhere for a proper holiday
But PILS won't let them go in high season! OP doesn't want to go to France for her holiday in crappy weather.

AddToBasket · 31/08/2016 18:26

What does your DH say? Spending annual leave and money for an off-peak stingy holiday somewhere you didn't choose yourself can't be great for him either.

sophiestew · 31/08/2016 18:30

YANBU, I wouldn't go.

If DH is desperate he can go alone.

Sosidges · 31/08/2016 18:35

I get this from my brother all the time. From the sound of it, he lives next door to your PILs. It sounds rude to say "no I don't want to stay with you, I would. It stay with you even if you lived in England. For 10 years I have made all sorts of lame excuses.

Sosidges · 31/08/2016 18:35

Would not stay, I mean

ginghamstarfish · 31/08/2016 18:36

Sounds awful. We go and stay overnight with my PILs every few months, and that 48 hours seems like three weeks!
Agree with PPs, maybe go every other year, and make the visit to them a small part of your holiday, or meet them somewhere more suitable for you and yours. They seem selfish and unwelcoming.

Original poster
Caramelsalt · 31/08/2016 20:17

No we haven't asked why they don't 'cater' more. It's always been made very clear that we are to sort ourselves out so to challenge it would just be rude surely?! The cottage does have its own full kitchen so entirely feasible that we cook proper meals ourselves, in the past we have cooked for them at the cottage. They are not skint, just can't be arsed I think. Like the idea of coming to stay with us and DCs is always great and then after a few days they're buried in their crosswords or telly.

I suggested to DH about suggesting a holiday in France near to them and closer to ferry port where we can all meet up. He thinks it would be rude to suggest it as effectively we are saying we don't want to stay in their crappy boring cottage. He is more up for staying with them than me because they are his parents and he wants to arrange something for next year...feeling doomed!

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 31/08/2016 21:02

If it has got to be then TELL them which week you want (high season).

Braywatch · 01/09/2016 03:56

YADNBU! It sounds like a lot of travelling for little reward when you get there. As PPs have said, I think you need to try and persuade your PILs/DH that you either go in high season (which seems a reasonable compromise on their part if they're that desperate for you to go) or you go for a couple of days then onto somewhere else for a proper holiday.

I totally get it as we have the same situation with my PIL. They live in Australia and DH would be happy to fly over and spend 3 weeks visiting but I always insist we go on a trip somewhere and travel around a bit as I resent the thought of paying the best part of £2000 for flights and taking 3 weeks of my annual leave to go and sit in someone's house in a boring country town. I try to focus on it being good for DH to see his family and not to think about all the places we could have gone instead over the years using that money/leave...

Inertia · 01/09/2016 07:13

Why won't they put you up as guests in their house if you are visiting them? Given that they hassle you to visit, it's pretty poor that they refuse to cook with you (and even worse that they drink all your wine and get the arse if you don't buy more!)

Are they spongers in general?

rollonthesummer · 01/09/2016 07:22

Why couldn't they go and buy some more wine at yours when they wanted more?! Surely they know how shops work!!

Original poster
Caramelsalt · 01/09/2016 07:50

They are pretty tight and very much live in their own bubble so tend not to see other peoples point of view. There is not enough room in their house, hence we stay in the cottage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caramelsalt · 01/09/2016 07:51

Feelfor you Braywatch xx

OP posts:
swisschocolate · 01/09/2016 08:07

I suggested to DH about suggesting a holiday in France near to them and closer to ferry port where we can all meet up. He thinks it would be rude to suggest it as effectively we are saying we don't want to stay in their crappy boring cottage. He is more up for staying with them than me because they are his parents and he wants to arrange something for next year...feeling doomed!

No- you are saying that you only want to go on holiday in August/July now the children are school age/only time that you can get leave.

The only way to facilitate a break in this period this is to stay elsewhere as the cottage is let out.