To think staying with in laws is not a holiday

[Caramelsalt]

DH parents moved to France years ago, before our children came along. They have recently started with slight digs about how we do not go to visit them. We have been over a few times but not since kids were born....they live in the middle of nowhere and visiting involves a plane and car hire or ferry and a 12 hour drive in France neither of which are cheap. Also if we visited we cannot go when the weather is good as they let out their holiday cottage to paying guests so have to go off season. Other things that put me off are:

1. Have to completely self cater so again adds to cost (bit bitter about this as we always feed/booze/house them when they come to us)
2. Last time we went PILS drank all our booze(enough to last the week) and then got huffy when we didn't buy more.

3.Absolutely fuck all to do there, nothing in walking distance, several hours drive from beach etc. I don't know what they see in it!

It's not that I dislike them although to be honest we see so little of them I don't really have much of a relationship with them either. I just feel that considering it's so boring and expensive I would much rather spend the money and precious annual leave entitlement on something the whole family would enjoy. DH is starting to talk about going back over but I think it's more out of feeling obligated than anything else but I feel bad saying no. Am I being a miserable selfish git??

Juneau if we bombed it down just the two of us we could do it in 8-9 hours but realistically with the kids that's just not going to happen.

I was going to suggest meeting them elsewhere for a week or so, but your in laws seem awkward..... I have family dotted all over France, some in interesting and beautiful places, others in reaaaaly boring places so I understand the situation. My family, luckily, enjoy going for weekends away in more interesting places so we try to time them so we can meet up there instead. YANBU to not want to go.

I hunk I will suggest again meeting up somewhere in the middle or planning a mini holiday as part of the trip to theirs. It's the using up of annual leave I resent the most, we both work really long days and time off with the the kids is so precious, to use it trapped over there is such a depressing thought.

That sounds like a very long drive for young children ( and adults!). You basically have at least a full day at each end of the holiday for travelling ( depending where in the UK you start from, maybe more), and then a day after the travel to recover and feel like doing anything. So if you went for a week you would only have perhaps 3 or 4 days of actual holiday. We have friends who invited us to their rural French idyll and dh really wanted to go, but I refused because of the 8 hr drive across France with a small child. Why do they make you self cater? That is very odd not to provide hospitality for your guests, are they stingy or hard up? Where are they when the cottage is rented out? Or do they have separate accommodation? So you are not actually their home guests, just staying in the guest cottage. Try and kick it into the long grass by saying maybe it will be easier when the kids are older, but for now they are welcome to visit you.

That's a hard one. You see them every year when they come to you, and it seems that should be enough, but your dh wants to visit them where they are...and your finances can't really afford to stay in a different place near them which would help a bit...not sure what to tell you on this one. I can understand how you feel. Maybe go but only for a couple of days. Or go every two years instead of every year. Do the kids and the inlaws enjoy being having time with each other? That would be the saving grace if so. You dread it if you go, guilty if you don't...many of us have been in your situation, op!

You're spot on Sara with the travel. Whenever we've gone in the past it's always been made clear that we will fend for ourselves...they provide starter supplies of tea, coffee, bread, milk etc 'to tide us over till we get to the supermarket' PIL would usually do a meal on the first night and a roast on the Sunday but that's it. They have their house that they live in and the cottage where we would stay is next door. We can only really afford one foreign holiday a year and with what it would cost to visit them it is an either/or situation. I would never in a million years choose PILS but starting to feel like I will have to soon!

Stay with them for 3 days, then weeks holiday for you far enough away that you won't be meeting up

Hell no YANBU.
We live in the middle of nowhere and love it, your IL's place sounds great to me but it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea.
We don't get that many visitors because of where we live but the difference is we acknowledge that we chose to,live here so we don't get all huffy about it.

If they want to see more of you they know where you live!

Or they could try being a bit more welcoming / help you with the cost when you do go.

Rural France is lovely, it's the in-laws part that would make it a non for me. But I'd stay en-route to somewhere else for a night or two

Can you fly to the nearest big town/city and meet them there for a few nights?

Can they (will they?) visit your place for a change?

If they will not do that, send OH on his own. Sorry, FaceTime is great for them to see their GCs otherwise.

It is a two way street isn't it?

Probably not though.

I wouldn't go anyway FWIW. Unless it was a compromise. Fiddly de de.

One set of my in laws (divorced) are a long way away. We have been once only because it was a 7 hour drive. The kids are not good travellers and hated the journey. We stayed an hour away and travelled to see them and also they came to us. We couldn't stay with them as they don't have the room and neither would I want to. Where the live is lovely but even so. Luckily they come this way a few times a year and the teenagers have been to stay with them now they are older.

I would wait till kids are older and maybe go every few years or send the kids off for a week when they are.older.

I feel your pain.

It's not my idea of a holiday either. I don't want to have to cook on a holiday and it seems like a waste of annual leave

Is your DH an only child? If not do other siblings visit?

If they can't be bothered to meet you half way and avoid the kids being bored, I'd be very reluctant and in any event, cost aside, it's a very long journey for a 1 year old and on that basis alone I would not go

My DCs at 5 would also complain about being bored if there's nothing to do and that's also not my idea of fun.

I never do understand people who invite you to stay then don't provide basic hospitality. Happened at my ILs too.

I'm surprised so many people with children don't cook on holidays. I prefer self catering on holidays as the kids aren't eating unfamiliar food and I'm not fraught having to keep them quiet and seated. occasional meals out are fine but for a week cooking ourselves and having the kids able to eat then get down and play whilst we finish eating in peace or eat later ehn they're in bed is much more relaxed. I also enjoy cooking when I have the time.
Your hosts drinking all your wine seems odd. In France I thought they'd be plying you with endless bottles from little vineyards they have visited to show off and impress you.

It's difficult to make suggestions without knowing where they are, but I would also suggest staying somewhere nearby(ish) that you would enjoy and you would be able to meet up with them.

On the other hand, they seem completely unwilling to compromise, so why should you? This would annoy me.

They chose to move, so they should be making the effort. I certainly wouldn't fancy that kind of trip, and certainly not with children that age.

I'd plan a holiday to part of France I actually wanted to visit (maybe 2 hours closer to Calais) and visit them for a few days at the end. Then do a 2 day trip home, staying in an inexpensive chambre d'hotes on the way home. Alternatively, can you use a different port?

I love rural France and spend most holidays there, but we choose bits which interest us.

I know how difficult it is. My dad lives in Australia so any visits there take a few years of saving. We are getting a bit fed up of going to the same city every time. It's an amazing city- but we'd like to see other places too. Last year I said we'd take DS away for a few days to another area and was told they really wanted to spend the time with us. Sure enough, 10 days in they are tired (they'd forgotten home much energy children have, DS is the only child in the family) and we had to take DS away to give them a break. No flights booked, no accommodation planned- a long drive to anywhere else, far from ideal.

I've already said that next time we are planning a trip ahead of leaving the UK.

God no way.

I'd say "we are going to X for our family holiday why don't you fly out and join us for the first week?"

Jesus that sounds fucking horrible. They harass you into visiting, and then don't bloody cook or buy any wine? In France? WTF?

Whenever we've gone in the past it's always been made clear that we will fend for ourselves...they provide starter supplies of tea, coffee, bread, milk etc 'to tide us over till we get to the supermarket' PIL would usually do a meal on the first night and a roast on the Sunday but that's it.

Have you ever asked them why?

They aren't even hosting you, just expecting to get a say in where you spend your family holidays.

Fuck that.

Their decision to move to the arse end of nowhere does not create anybobligation on you pr your children to holiday there at considerable expense.

Plan the family holidays you want and will enjoy.

Presumably your child is now at school? Are you in England as getting time or for holidays in term time is bloody difficult these days-good excuse not to go if you ask me...

OP it certainly doesn't sound like a holiday in your case mainly because your ILs don't make an effort.

We visit ILs in Spain regularly but they are fab, excellent hosts and the DC have a wonderful time with them. Don't get me wrong, we pull our weight with cooking and cleaning but it's still a very chilled and relaxing holiday. Despite a 3 day drive through France or long ferry crossing!

If they were like your ILs Id probably make my excuses and not go. Or get DH to subtly explain why it's such hard work!

YANBU. I would fly, hire a car, stay a few days max then bugger off somewhere more interesting. No way would I do a 12 hour car journey with the DC to a boring place.

I'd use them as a stopping point stay a couple of days and move on for the real holiday. If they don't like it ......tough. It's not like they are bending over backwards to make you feel welcomed.

Tell them you will visit them but as it will be your only holiday abroad it will have to be in high season. They won't be so keen to have you if it costs them money.

Or you can stay with them in their house in high season for a quick visit en route to your proper holiday.

No way would I be going out of season in those circs