To be jealous of those who are far better off

[brasty]

Yes I know comparison is the thief of joy. But I don't know how to stop being jealous of those who are much better off financially. I am going to have to work till 67, and some friends are already talking in their 50s about retiring early. I would love to do this. So how do I stop being jealous?

Work harder, earn more, do the same?
We all make decisions today that then shape the future. It's up to you to priorities, what's more important - a happy working life, spending time with your Children or a rich retirement? Make your decision and go with it. Don't be jealous of the decisions others have made for themselves

Having money doesn't necessarily mean your life is better or happier. Il be honest we have no financial worries ,live in a beautiful big house in the country and own a lot of land . I am terribly sad having lost my dad to cancer and me and dh are also arguing because I'm so angry all the time at losing dad. Having money means nothing. Family is what's important

I've also lost a parent, as have many people less well off than you I'm sure. It's easier to deal with problems when you have money, especially when you don't have to work for that money.

The people you should be truly envious of are those that are happy with their lot.

I understand. I see the salary threads and wished i earnt £100k++.

If you have the drive and determination you can improve your lifestyle and choices. We had nothing and we're getting the higher rate tax credits 10 years ago . Dh worked 7 days a week 365 days a year ( yes even xmas day) . He had a dream and a goal. He made his dream become reality. It can be done. Nothing impossible . People don't want to work hard these days. Nothing has been handed to us. We have worked for all we have. It was so tough when dh was building his dream as I was effectively a single parent . He would work from 7 am till midnight every day. I don't want to sound patronising but if u want something bad enough then go out and work for it. Make it happen

Don't be envious of them because retiring early won't actually make them happier. You adjust to whatever you've got:

nymag.com/scienceofus/2016/01/classic-study-on-happiness-and-the-lottery.html

By far the best advice I ever got on dealing with jealousy - which I'm prone to (I consider it pretty much my worst trait) - is to stop cherry-picking: think about people's entire lives, not just the best bits of them. It's really easy to look around and think 'I wish I had his house, her job, her husband, his children, her money...' - but at that point you're comparing yourself to a person you've made up in your head (a person with the best bits of all your friends' lives), and of course you lose out to them! When you think 'I'd like her job... but I really wouldn't like her husband' or 'I'd like his house - but I wouldn't have liked to spend my entire twenties and thirties working 90 hour weeks and not seeing my family to get it like he did' then you have a more realistic view, one where, yes, there are some people who are doing better than you, but where you're not (as comparison can make you feel) at the bottom of the heap.

Sorry it is a lie that you can earn massive amounts of money if you only make the right choices and work hard enough. DP and I have come from real poverty, did well at school, and worked hard. My friend who earns a lot of money moans that she does not have enough work to do at work and works less hours than DP does.

No one knows what's around the corner. Try and live more in the moment even those planning what they are going to do when they retire- how many times have you heard stories about people who worked hard and we're looking forward to retiring only to have some terrible health news etc? Life is unpredictable the only thing we can be sure of is the here and now, try to enjoy it.

To be honest I can't get on board with people moaning they are hard done by because they don't have enough money to give up work and do their hobby full time. So what if others do? Your way more fortunate than most but if you can't see that you'll always be bitter and miserable.

It's true that you can work really hard and still not make shedloads of money. But we all live within certain parameters and make choices within those. And very few people have totally charmed lives where it's all roses from start to finish.

I am planning to retire early, and some of my friends have made comments indicating how 'lucky' I am. The irony is that back in the 90s dh and I were struggling along in public sector jobs, all my wages going on childcare, Worrying how we'd pay the mortgage each month. Some of those same friends were waaaay better off than us back then, in private sector jobs during the boom time, a lot of the wives didn't work, or only worked part time.

So I don't see it as lucky- dh and I are reaping the rewards now of the very rare good pensions, but that's because we've both worked full time most of our careers and paid in tens of thousands of pounds to our pension schemes.

Yes of course luck is involved - none of know what's Round the corner and I'm lucky to be in good health at the moment. But who knows? And it does hack me off when occasionally people make snarky comments about my retirement plans. They could have chosen that path if they'd wanted it

This idea that anyone can earn megabucks with nothing more than determination and a cheeky smile sounds like a bad movie from the eighties complete with a power suit and perm, is that you Melanie?

I have paid into my pension since 22 years of age. And don't most people work full time unless childcare costs more than their wages?
There are people in the public sector on very good wages.

Mock all you like kandos it is how it happened for us. Work hard and reap the rewards. Iv been very poor having to decide whether to put 2.50 on electric meter or buy food for next day. We never got handed anything , we worked hard . Started at the bottom and worked our way up. Hubby was a bin man and now owns multiple landfills and owns 4 bin wagon companies .

Yes there are brasty- often in demanding roles high up the ladder. I am a teacher, middle management. Yes, I earn more than a someone without management responsibility. Yes, I earn less than my headteacher. Would I want her job? Not in a million years- I don't want that level of responsibility.

I'm not naive enough to believe that what you earn always correlates with the hours you work or the level of skill the job requires. But often people have more choice than they think.

I am a manager with a lot of responsibility. But no I do not earn nearly as much as a friend who actually has less responsibility.
Yes we have choices and I have always done extra qualifications and worked hard.

I always try not to think about these kind of things but today I was listening to someone tell me about the lovely 3 bed flat she is about to buy and I did feel a few pangs inside that I will never be able to buy anything round here (or probably anywhere).

Maybe it bothers me more now because the older you are the less likely your dreams will become.

Are you public or private sector brasty? Is there any way you can go for promotion to increase your earnings?

Also no point comparing yourself to a friend who works less and earns more. We can all find examples of that. Like I said, back in the 90s we had loads of friends our age who were earning double or more what we earned and their jobs were no more stressful and they often worked a shorter day too.

Just look at the positives in your life- you say you have a beautiful house, husband likes his job and you have nice holidays. Then work towards trying to make any changes that can make things even better

I am a manager with no natural progression. I have applied for a lower paid job part time which would build up my skills for a sideways move, where I could make more money. I have never been one to moan and not do anything about it.

I'm pretty well off financially but kinda infertile and have one son. So I try not to compare with friends who have more children.
Everyone has their troubles and their joys.

I dont think you're being unreasonable. Life is not fair and some people get it easier than others.
Just let yourself have the pang of jealousy, acknowledge it, and let it go. We dont stay in one emotional state all the time. We pass through it.
The trick is to realise that and let it pass without acting on it.

As a society, we make up myths. Our myths about wealth include 'all you need to do to get it is work hard', or that 'wealth doesnt make you happy.'
Those are not useful things to say, they're not true as a rule, and they miss the point.

Try to focus on what you have, and how far you have come. Acknowledge the jealousy and let it pass.

I deal with people through work who have a lot of personal wealth. I sometimes envy them but mostly feel sorry for them as they just fret and worry constantly about the responsibility of looking after it. They IHT, pensions and ISA allowances, investment performance, share prices, banks going bust, Brexit etc. Many get to old age sitting on a pile of cash that they have never enjoyed.

If you threw everyone's life down on a pile whose would you pick up?

What Jelly said.

I think you are right to want the time the others will have, and you should try to see if there's a way you can either retire earlier or work from home one day a week/work a four-day week to give yourself more time away from the office (assuming that's possible.) There's no sense in worrying about material possessions. My impression is that the richer people are, the more they find to want. I have a relative in law who grew up with very little cash. The day he showed me the million-pound-plus house he was buying, he commented on the bigger houses nearby and how only footballers could afford them and it wasn't fair when he worked so hard. Since I have known him (ten years?) he's had two Porsches, one top-of-the-range BMW, a VW Touareg and two Range Rovers. He's currently very keen to get a new Range Rover. He doesn't like driving.