To fork out nearly £100 for DS nursery uniform and his teacher looks like she's a stripper

[ukulelelady]

I'm really pissed off. I thought my DS's nursery uniform was compulsory. I've paid almost £100 for polo shirts, jumpers and a jacket with the school logo and I find out 3 weeks after he has started that it was parents choice.

But what really pisses me off is that the teacher turns up looking like she is coming back from a music festival or night club. She had the tiniest cut off jean shorts and a top that I could see her boobs. She wasn't wearing a bra. God knows what my DS aged 4 said about this because I'm sure he would have. Every time she bent over I was afraid they would pop out of her top. Surely it isn't too much to ask to dress appropriately! I'm not a prude but what is it teaching the kids that they have to be smart but she can wear clothes that wouldn't look out of place on a stripper. I'm going to have to speak to the head but it is so awkward because I know the nursery teacher and head teacher out with school. WWYS?

I think the problem is possibly that you are conflating two things.

How does this sound?

1. You feel misled and ripped off over the uniform. This has made you angry. You don't feel you can complain about that.
2. You see the nursery teacher/nurse, you think she is dressed inappropriately, and you are prepared to use that bad feeling PLUS the bad feeling you feel about the uniform. You do feel you can complain about that (especially as her superiors are people you have long term history with- and this is possibly part of the reason you donit feel you can complain about the uniform confusion).

So it looks like you are prepared to use the nursery teacher as a whipping boy. And that is not good. That is victimization.

Yes, there is a point in there about dress codes and sauce for the goose being sauce for the gander- if there is a dress code (which comes with a price tag) for the children it is natural that there should be a dress code/appropriate standards for adult staff.

But it is somewhat diminished by the fact that the uniform is not compulsory. So there is not actually a double standard there. The problem with the child's uniform is that you feel misled about whether it is compulsory or not.

If you are genuinely perturbed by the nursery teacher's clothing, then that is something to mull over, and see how you best approach it (I would say at first it would be fairest to say something to her, not her superiors). But make sure that you separate the emotion you feel about that entirely from the emotion you feel about the uniform, otherwise you are treating her very unfairly.

And, using the term stripper was a bit vindictive and misogynistic- there is a depth of feeling there that is out of proportion to the supposed sartorial infraction. Perhaps it is the uniform issue, perhaps as you jokingly mention it is jealousy (many a true word was said in jest). But in either case, you are reacting out of proportion.

I already wrote a long post explaining why it is important to dress sensibly when working with children but I will say it here again.

As a professional educator I can say that yes, most of us know what is appropriate and not appropriate to wear and that there is no way on earth my employer would allow me to wear that stuff and that me or any of my colleagues would choose to wear it anyway.

For my reasons see post above.

As for those that are being so liberal and accepting in her comments toward the nursery employee, honestly great that you dont care what people wear, it shows that you value other stuff. However, I would suggest the same open mind to try to look at OP's perspective and for example, mine.

I did give some very well thought reasons yet nobody responded to those, instead went on ripping OP apart.

I also don't usually walk into Natwest and see people in pyjamas and, having worked for the council before I also had a dress code Imiss so chances of wearing a shirt with a message that could be offensive was definitely a no go.

When I have had public facing roles I always have had a dress code.

The stupid vindictive and unkind messages on here really show mn at its worst.
Ignore them OP. For what it's worth, I work in a primary school and no one would dress like this at work - it's just basic common sense. I think that it's within your rights to mention it - probably speak directly to her first (difficult, maybe just try a lighthearted comment ).
Those posters who have suggested that you are deliberately looking down her top have just taken stupidity to a whole new level.

Navy in which context? In my home country we are topless at the beach and nobody even looks twice.
Is it my right to show my boobs at work? errr no, I have a dress code. Can my male colleagues go topless or show underwear? Nope.

However, I have lived in a town where it is legal and acceptable to walk around naked and some locals did. No clothes whatsoever. So in that town no, I wasnt surprised to see people's boobs at the supermarket. It was a very normal thing to do.
However, I did witness some "outsiders" coming from outside this town and taking pics of teenagers and making disgusting comments which was very upsetting to me as these girls were just being like the rest of the town and happy and natural.

So if anyone wants to move there I can give you directions

And Navy in my hometown if a man shows his penis in public you call the police.
Why is it different for a woman. Are you saying it is your right to jump on the train topless?

Do you do it?

Because honestly I have yet to see this.

Oh sorry didn't get the sarcasm (different culture to blame?
Goes and hides for a while

SHHHHH Navy I am still hiding

At least more Dads would be dropping the children off and picking them up.

Evergreen- I gotta know where that is? Naked in the supermarket?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat, yes if we go to the pool we see people dressed appropriately for the pool.

I wouldn't mind her top gaping and her accidentally revealing a bra. If you choose not to wear a bra to work wear a top that covers your breasts.

Evergreen, you make really good points. I want my son to grow up knowing appropriate dress. and be shown from example from his peers and that includes his nursery teacher. outside family she is one of the most important people in his life.
Yesterday she was wearing what looked like pyjammas. Miaow, I haven't victimised her, but I do feel annoyed that she doesn't dress more appropriately.

Well, if you complain about what she wears, based on your feeling about your son's uniform, you are victimising her. If you complain about her attire based on feeling annoyed about a double standard in dress codes, then you are victimising her. If you complain about her attire to your friends, because you feel you can't complain about other things that are as the result of your friends' policies and you donat want to criticise your friends but you feel fine criticising her then you are victimising her. If you complain about her attire based on being jealous of her body you are victimising her.

You posted first with quite an emotional outburst that mentioned various things, most of which were understandable things to be annoyed about, but not grounds for complaint about someone else at their work place. Why mention all those things if it was really ONLY about the standard of attire?

You have rationalised most of those away (it was a joke etc) but still you are thinking about complaining about this person. But really, honestly, are all those other things just incidental and all you are upset/offended about is the clothing?

If honestly that is the case, then you are on firm ground. If not, then you are scapegoating and victimising someone else unfairly.

If you are that upset about the clothing, and only the clothing, and only because it is inappropriate, then do something about it.

A gentle word to her directly in the first instance would be the best course (not gossiping with her with the other mums, although it would be fine to check with trusted others in a "is this just me?' way).

But straight to a complaint where you have a prior relationship with her superiors does smack a bit of bully tactics in itself.

And tbh, given other things you have said- from the use of the word "stripper" to mention of jealousy, to all the rationalisation, does make em think that if you think that this is just about the clothing for you, then you are in denial.

Wow. I wouldn't be happy with this either. It seems ridiculous to have a dress code for the childre n but not the staff.

It's a nursery - only a couple of years ago the kids were seeing breasts regularly

Even if that were true, a couple of years is half a lifetime for a 4 year-old!

You know the primary purpose of breasts is feeding?

Not for a teacher/TA doing her job it's not!

Yes, there is a point in there about dress codes and sauce for the goose being sauce for the gander- if there is a dress code (which comes with a price tag) for the children it is natural that there should be a dress code/appropriate standards for adult staff. But it is somewhat diminished by the fact that the uniform is not compulsory. So there is not actually a double standard there.

It doesn't diminish the double standard at all. Even if the uniform is advised, rather than compulsory, it is still advocating what the children (and nursery children at that) should wear, while not seeming to care what the professional staff should wear.

OP, I can quite understand you feeling miffed by this, but the situation is awkward in a place where everyone knows everyone else and you are stuck with the same people for the next 8 years. I don't think there is any point in saying anything to the staff member herself - you are not her mum in a position to tell her off. If you feel comfortable speaking to the head, I would. Regarding the uniform, it would be equally awkward to return it when there are such small numbers in the school. However, if it is the same uniform throughout primary, you could exchange some of the unwarn items for larger sizes and mostly send DS to nursery in his normal clothes.

You know the primary purpose of breasts is feeding?

Point being?

The primary purpose of eyebrows is to prevent sweat, rain and light from getting to your eyes, yet I style mine.

The primary purpose of hair is to protect against environmental factors yet some people shave it.

Again, point being?

Just sounds like she either is jealous of the woman or fancies her TBH.

^^^ What nonsense.

Well in that case a mini skirt and no knickers should be fine as 4 years ago the class would have been being born out of their mothers vaginas
Wtf has breastfeeding got to do with an unrelated adult showing their breasts because their clothing doesn't cover properly???

Personally I find I prefer covering my body and sometimes even head. I feel content that way. Rarely do I ever feel comfortable, even with shins and calfs exposed.

This has come from living and working around Muslim communities.

Perhaps the OP has a cultural view of dress?

I personally wouldn't mind how my sons nursery workers dressed. The only requirement is that they are kind, playful and consistent.

Re the uniform, I'm surprised you didn't know before hand OP. It sounds like you didn't check it out at all?

Although you have staunchly avoided answering how long the shorts actually are I was pretty much with you on the top, although I would imagine that it was wholly accidental (if it was deliberate that's a whole other thread).

But then you said, 'Yesterday she was wearing what looked like pyjammas.' [sic]

You are picking fault with another of her outfits, but no mention of length or breast visibility so I'm assuming she was, in your opinion, adequately covered up - but still not to an arbitrary standard you have decided.

This undermines your previous argument that it was the exposure of flesh that was the issue.

Breast flashing aside, if she is a good teacher does it really matter what she is wearing? You seem to have a real issue with judging her choices even when she isn't flashing breast.