AIBU to tell them to piss off, it's my wedding!

[Christine88]

Me and DP have talked about getting married for years now but children and maternity pay and bills have sort of pushed it back. We're now at a point where we can seriously start to think about getting married, we're going to have to save and I'm reluctant to spend ridiculous amounts of money on a wedding!
Anyway we came up with the idea that maybe we could go away to get married, still somewhere in England but a nice beach wedding where we can stay for a couple of weeks have the wedding in the middle and have a holiday either side of it! It'll be cheaper as I know not everyone will travel and we won't have to invite as many people as we might have a party at home in the local pub or something.
Nothing is set in stone yet but this is the way we're thinking of going.
Anyway I mentioned this to my sister who I'm very close too. She has 3 children and we help each other with childcare and go on play dates together and have nights out with shared friends etc
My sister freaked out, called me selfish, said not every one can get the time off work or afford it and what's the point of getting married if I don't share it with the whole family!
What shall I do?

We have a huge family and I like about 5 of them! We never see each other unless there's a wedding or a funeral! And I don't particularly want practically strangers at my wedding!!

[greenlass]

Wow just googled wee weddings & got misty eyed ~ yes please!

[WankingMonkey]

IMO, you are within your rights to tell ANYONE who interferes in your plans, or makes you feel guilty for choices to do with your wedding to fuck right off. It is your day (and DPs). Anything to do with it all is entirely down to you and your partner. Fuck interfering families and friends who simply want an excuse for a piss up.

[Pangur2]

The great thing about the Wee Wedding place in Crear is that they sort out so much stuff for you, like the flowers and the photographer. (The one we had was amaaaaaazing!) You can also have a bag piper. The bagpiper and the photographer were our witnesses. It was all so stress free.

They said lots of people bring their kids or their dogs. Lots of dog ring bearers! I'm sure one photo on FB showed one couple who had brought their horse. You have to be flexible where you get married due to weather, but I thought it was the best wedding ever (obviously!). Search for Crear and Wee Weddings on FB. (I don't work for them, I promise!)

[BMW6]

Your day, your call. To hell with the naysayers, they don't have to be there!
Have your wedding the way you want it OP.

[Benedikte2]

Go ahead and do it your way. If any friends etc want to attend that is up to them -- maybe tell them it's a holiday themed wedding and you don't expect them to dress up to the nines but just to be comfortably smart.
Then when you get back have a party and play "I did it my way" very loudly!
Good luck.

[MidnightAura]

I got married last week, very small wedding. Absolutely do what you want and DP want. You will not please everyone. My in laws wanted a big party. We said no, they didn't come. We are glad we didn't have a big massive party. It's not what we wanted.

You can't please everyone with weddings, that's one thing I've learned!

[Mycatsabastard]

One of the reasons dp and I are still not married is because we can't decide where or how to get married without either upsetting someone or not inviting half the bloody world.

Immediate family (my parents plus our kids, our siblings, nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews) amount to about 50 people alone. We have good friends we'd want to invite as well. It's just far too many people to think about paying for and I'm in the 'do it alone with just the kids and then have a great big party' afterwards camp.

I can't be bothered with the stress or wondering how on earth we'd pay for it!

[LoveInTokyo]

It's your wedding, do what you want.

It's not like you're #gettingmarriedinmaui

If people can come, and they want to come, then they'll be there, and if they can't, or they don't want to, then they won't.

If you'd rather have a smaller wedding anyway (with the option of a party back home some other time) then it sounds ideal, tbh. Your sister can like it or lump it.

[MerylPeril]

Please do what you want. We never ended up getting married as DH wanted to please his family so much it got ridiculous and I lost interest.
I hadn't met most of these people, some I still haven't and some have gotten married and never invited us.

I'd go away, do what you want and then have a no stress party!

[SandyPantz]

PPs are wrong, you CAN get married on some beaches in the UK, although it has to be a licenced covered spot. Bournemouth beach do beach weddings

But OP, elope, seriously! do it! theres a reason why so many married people who didn't elope and people pleased say so!

[HeddaGarbled]

I do think that it is selfish to arrange a wedding a long way away from where your family and friends live and then invite them. They will feel obliged to come and feel guilty if they don't so you are pretty much forcing them to have a holiday, sometimes their only holiday of the year, in the location of your choice, with people they may not choose to spend their holiday with.

Holidays for busy working people should be about relaxing and being with their spouses and children, not dressing up and being on best behaviour for formal duties.

If you want family and friends there, even if it's just your parents and siblings and a few close friends, you should do it locally so they can fit it into a normal weekend or one day off work.

If you want to get married at a holiday destination and then have a party in the pub at home, that's absolutely fine but do it on your own. It's all very well saying we understand if they don't want to come but they will feel wretched if they are invited and then can't come. Imagine if your in laws came but your parents didn't, if one sibling came but one didn't, if a friend came but a sibling didn't.

Choose who you want to be there and then make sure that it is possible for them to be there without losing their year's annual leave or holiday budget. If that is just your and your H to be, then you can go anywhere you choose.

[budgiegirl]

Actually , I'm going against the grain here, and I think YAB(a little bit)U.

It's fine to want to go away and have the wedding you want, if you are eloping alone, but to ask guests to travel miles and spend a lot on travel and hotels to attend is a little bit selfish, IMHO.

I know people will say that it's an invitation , not a summons, but if guests want do want to attend, they have to spend far more money to do so than they would if you held the wedding locally. Because you want to save money and combine it with a holiday.

[Pangur2]

Sandypantz, I think a good thing about getting married in Scotland is that if it is pissing rain on your wedding day, you can relocate from the beach to another place and everything will still count, as it is only the celebrant who has to be registered. You have to say exactly where you got married on all the forms you sign directly afterwards, but you can change your mind on the exact location until the very last minute, as long as the celebrant doesn't mind.

[SandyPantz]

I didn't say anything against scotland, scotland is a great idea

however where beach weddings are allowed and licenced in UK they usually allow a markee on the sand so it's not too weather dependant

[deste]

We watched a wedding on the beach on Saturday, in Scotland. The groom had made an arch from driftwood with a heart on top. They had seats on the beach and lots of people standing back watching. It was lovely, in fact beautiful. The bride burst into tears when she saw the archway.

[Littlegreyauditor]

Your sister is spitting the dummy because she feels that her wedding was perfect and the fact that you don't want to copy it in its entirety is a judgement on her and her taste/decisions/life etc. A bit like some people get stroppy when they encounter someone with different ideas on raising children, different politics, different beliefs...they take it as a personal attack whether it is or not.

Ignore her. Some people don't get that not everything is about them. Have the wedding you want. She'll either get over it or she won't, either way life goes on.

[DontSweatTheSmallStuff]

Oh goodness, do whatever YOU want to do, not what other people want. You will regret it if you don't. I speak from experience and some of the things we conceded on were far more trivial than your issues but I still feel annoyed when I think about them.

You say your sister likes being the centre of attention. Is she upset she won't get the attention for being sister of the bride, does she expect to be a bridesmaid etc. Sounds like she expects you to have the type of wedding she would like/had, but like you say that's not what you want and she needs to accept that.

[BonnieF]

Good grief.

Why are so many people evidently incapable of grasping the concept that their friend or family member's wedding is about the bride and groom. It's not about them, or their children, or their opinions.

People. FFS.

[RepentAtLeisure]

If you don't like too much attention anyway, what about a quiet registry office wedding locally, then blow the budget on the honeymoon?

[pieceofpurplesky]

My cousin got married on a week away with the kids. Invited everyone for a bbq the day they got back and told everyone they were married. Everyone loved it X

[123therearenomoreusernames]

This is fabulous for a beach wedding http://www.inchydoneyisland.com/ in Ireland

[Lj8893]

sandy I was the first pp to suggest there were limited places to get married on the beach in England, I did suggest Bournemouth but also adviced it's pricey!

[Sceptimum]

Your sister is projecting her idea of what a wedding should be like on to you. Ignore and go with whatever makes you happy.
We did a destination wedding, mainly to avoid the 300 relatives, neighbours and their dogs scenario it would have become if we had had it near my family (and my family and his are on opposite sides of the world) and it was lovely. We had very informal pub parties in both our home cities, open invite, for everyone who wanted to come. As you said, op, just make it clear in the invite that you completely understand if people don't come, and that they are welcome if they want to.

[Christine88]

I don't think 40 people is a lot to invite, I have 3 sisters with 6 children between them and partners that's 12 already!
We live in Kent, even if we get married here most of DP's family live away so they'll be travelling finding accommodation etc anyway! I was thinking somewhere along the south coast so not actually that far and also at the weekend so most people who have to use annual holiday!
I absolutely don't expect everyone to come but I think it'd be worse to assume they don't want to come and just not invite them at all!

[Christine88]

Maybe instead of formal invitations I should visit everyone we want to invite and do it more as a would you like to come before the actual invitations come?!
I was also aware of the beach legal bit thing and there are a few venues which offer a blessing on the beach after if that's the route we decide to go down!