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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell them to piss off, it's my wedding!

88 replies

Christine88 · 29/08/2016 19:13

Me and DP have talked about getting married for years now but children and maternity pay and bills have sort of pushed it back. We're now at a point where we can seriously start to think about getting married, we're going to have to save and I'm reluctant to spend ridiculous amounts of money on a wedding!
Anyway we came up with the idea that maybe we could go away to get married, still somewhere in England but a nice beach wedding where we can stay for a couple of weeks have the wedding in the middle and have a holiday either side of it! It'll be cheaper as I know not everyone will travel and we won't have to invite as many people as we might have a party at home in the local pub or something.
Nothing is set in stone yet but this is the way we're thinking of going.
Anyway I mentioned this to my sister who I'm very close too. She has 3 children and we help each other with childcare and go on play dates together and have nights out with shared friends etc
My sister freaked out, called me selfish, said not every one can get the time off work or afford it and what's the point of getting married if I don't share it with the whole family!
What shall I do?

We have a huge family and I like about 5 of them! We never see each other unless there's a wedding or a funeral! And I don't particularly want practically strangers at my wedding!!

OP posts:

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 29/08/2016 19:47

You can get married on a beach in Scotland though.

No licensed venues there. As we were told, 'a minister can marry you in a field at midnight ' if you wish.

calzone · 29/08/2016 19:49

Seriously, do what you want.

If it was me I would

Get married with my best friend as a witness.
Have a lovely party/BBQ with lots of alcohol and great music
Have an amazing honeymoon.

You can still have a gorgeous dress and flowers and a cake but you don't need faff, seating plans, favours, boring hotel food, faff and people you aren't bothered about.

Gmbk · 29/08/2016 19:52

Agree re the "we want to go away and but you must come with us".

Forcing people into having a holiday, or a few days away, isn't great.

Otoh if you elope and party afterwards that's fine!

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2016 19:52

Your wedding, not hers, do what makes you and DP happy. If others don't like it, tough shit, it's not their day, it's yours. I love the sound of just popping off for a couple of weeks. Don't invite people you don't want and don't let people give you the emotional bollocks about your wedding day.

CandyOcean · 29/08/2016 19:52

DS's reaction makes me think you should go even further away; maybe a totally different continent!

CoolCarrie · 29/08/2016 19:56

Go to Scotland, you can get married more or less any where. Depending on the time of year there are wonderful beaches in the Highlands, and lovely places to stay
. Cornwall would be another option, good weather there, most of the year it seems
Do what you & dp want to do, not others, including your sister, she has had her day, now it is you & dps turn. Stick to your guns. We did, as I am like you don't like to much attention. It is about the partnership, not just the day, so many people forget that. Have a brilliant time, when you do get hitched!

Dogolphin · 29/08/2016 19:59

We eloped, it was wonderful!

TheNaze73 · 29/08/2016 20:00

Sounds like a fabulous idea. Go for it

Original poster

Christine88 · 29/08/2016 20:03

I don't expect anyone to come but she made it seem like I was being unfair by not inviting everyone and their brother!! If we are to go away I can think of about 40 people between me and DP that we would invite but again it'd be entirely up to them if they come, I'd give plenty of notice so they can book holiday etc

OP posts:

KC225 · 29/08/2016 20:05

Depending on where you are you can get married on Brighton Peir or even better and Brighton bandstand on the beach front.

Your wedding. Your choice

Whocansay · 29/08/2016 20:08

I reckon she had that reaction because she thinks it reflects badly on her own choice. She now thinks that you think her wedding was shit.

She'll get over it. Do what you want. Your plans sound lovely.

PurpleTango · 29/08/2016 20:11

Both me and DH have large families. We very rarely see most of them and when we do neither of us enjoy their company. We decided to get married and had the headache of who to invite, who to leave out, If we invite X we also have to invite Z etc so we made the decision that we wanted to get married to show our commitment to each other, not everyone else. So we planned our wedding in Jamaica and didn't say anything other than we were going on holiday. DH's two children from his first marriage lived with us and his DS was his best man and his DD was my bridesmaid. We came home married. It was completely unstressful and we enjoyed it much more than being surrounded by a load of strangers -bickering and arguing - and people we don't like but would have had to invite. I think both sets of parents were secretly relieved that they didn't have to fork out for wedding attire. I'm not sure anybody really likes other peoples weddings anyway. They just get offended if someone else has been invited and they haven't.

EweAreHere · 29/08/2016 20:14

My sister freaked out, called me selfish, said not every one can get the time off work or afford it and what's the point of getting married if I don't share it with the whole family!

Rubbish. Your sister is talking rubbish. Your marriage is about you and your husband and children. Do what YOU want. Do what YOU can afford reasonably. And ignore the critics.

Good luck.

Peonie7654 · 29/08/2016 20:14

Honestly do whatever you want.

I think that your sister was probably looking forward to helping you plan a wedding ( now that she has done it herself)

My sister had a small registrars office with about 15 guests then had a meal/drinks at a lovely pub with a private room. Guests bought their own food/drinks so it was cheap for her and mostly friend /close family came.

MatildaTheCat · 29/08/2016 20:14

OP, you sound absolutely reasonable. Your wedding, your choice.

Tell your sister it's your turn to choose.

dizzygirl1 · 29/08/2016 20:14

Go on holiday just you, hubby-2-be and DC's and get married whilst away just you guys. Come home and tell everyone that you are married. Do a party when you are home if you want to.
It's your wedding, tell your sister and whoever complains to STFU. People will complain no matter what you do. Just make sure you make yourselves happy 😆😆

DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2016 20:21

Well, presumably wherever you get married in the UK someone will have to travel. Unless the whole of your family and all your friends live in the same place, which seems unlikely.
I would have thought it could be quite nice to go for a long weekend or so to a wedding, if it's near a beach in summer, people could hire caravans or camp. What's not to like?

chocoLit · 29/08/2016 20:30

Come to Scotland. We'll marry you anywhere

CotswoldStrife · 29/08/2016 20:43

I am one of those people who resent having to use large amounts of time (especially when it involved holidays from work) and money attending weddings. From your sister's point of view she'll have to cope with getting herself and 3 children ready in a hotel room, when home is so much easier!

As long as you don't do a Maui and complain if people are not willing to come along (which it doesn't sound like you will) Weddings - in the dim and distant past including my day - were certainly seen as a chance for family and friends to celebrate the union, not sure when it changed tbh. If you want a beach wedding then Scotland is probably the place because AFAIK open-air ceremonies are not permitted - it needs to be in some kind of structure.

GerdaLovesLili · 29/08/2016 21:28

Weddings - in the dim and distant past including my day - were certainly seen as a chance for family and friends to celebrate the union, not sure when it changed tbh.

Probably when families began to get so much more complicated, divorced/re-married parents, divorced/ re-married grandparents, step-children, unmarried partners, the OW, the OM..... it's a nightmare. I'm amazed that more people don't just elope.

Pangur2 · 29/08/2016 21:38

Elope to a beach/ field/ mountain in Scotland! There are places you can stay for a week and get married at any stage in the week. (Google "Wee Weddings"). Have a party when you come home. Amazing.

TaterTots · 29/08/2016 21:41

Do what you want; it's your wedding. However, don't be surprised or upset if people moan or are disappointed.

BackforGood · 29/08/2016 21:47

If we are to go away I can think of about 40 people between me and DP that we would invite but again it'd be entirely up to them if they come, I'd give plenty of notice so they can book holiday etc

So you are expecting 40 people will use up annual leave, have to find and pay out for accommodation, travel, etc., plus the hassle as someone said above of packing and getting kids ready in hotel rooms etc., when (I'm getting the impression from what you've posted) you could invite those same 40 people to a wedding at home.
It causes difficulties with all the things like those people who like to have their hair/nails / whatever done, and must be more hassle for you to book and then finalise details to do with the ceremony, flowers, reception, transport, photographer, etc., etc., etc.

As everyone has said, it's ultimately down to you, but I genuinely don't understand why you would want the hassle of going away, if you are then taking so many people with you.

MakeMyWineADouble · 29/08/2016 21:53

It's completely up to you but go in with your eyes open. If you go away even in the uk you can invite whoever you want, but realistically all you can count on being there is you dp and dc. Others might well come but some won't be able to if your ok with that go for it. Ultimately it's your wedding to do your way but people will be putting the 2 pence in through out so be prepared to stand up for you what

PurpleDaisies · 29/08/2016 22:00

When you say the guests can book holiday, is that because you're expecting them to come to more than just the actual wedding day?

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