to worry that I'm unusually unsuited to parenting

[GeordieBadgers]

I've never enjoyed parenting. I have DD6 and DS4. When DD was born I got PND. Even though I no longer have PND I find parenting both dull and stressful. Stressful because of the unpredictable nature of it. Silk because it's tedious. I cannot summon up enthusiasm for logo or looking at pebbles at the beach. I find the day totally drags when I'm trying to entertain the kids. I feel irritable and exhausted as the day goes on. No doubt I have anxiety issues which make parenting even harder.

I love my kids and would die for them. Miss them when we're apart. But I find spending time with them is not enjoyable. I feel guilty and freakish for feeling this way. 6 years of parenting and I've always felt this way.

What the heck should I do?

Sounds like a partner problem, you are not "crap" because you find it tedious and boring!!

I've said it already, I think you would be best posting in Relationships and seeing your GP about depression/anxiety. Honestly, your partner doesn't sound supportive, he sounds like he gets a lot out of seeing himself as the 'good parent' and putting you down.

You are NOT a crap parent, please stobbit. I agree about posting/moving this to relationships. Your bloke is behaving like a knob and I fear you're too low to fend him off.

Interesting. is your Partner a full time parent? How many hours more than you does he spend with them?

To me you do sound depressed and I would check it out with your doctor. Not being depressed won't magically make you love full days with the kids but it might help overall to stop you punishing yourself so much.

Geordie, I'm angry with your partner. What a horrible and untrue thing to think and say.

To me, it sounds as if you're a very, very good parent. You don't love it, or even like it a lot of the time (me too), but you're doing it. You're loving your kids and doing stuff with them.

The fact that you're trying, the fact that you're worrying about it- this shows what a genuinely good parent you are. Your partner is sounding unsupportive and unpleasant. Please do not think he is right- you are NOT a crap parent.

I identify with all you've written very much. The guilt is awfully hard to bear- try to accept that you love your kids but are not loving being a parent. And accept that that is OK. And surprisingly common- as this thread shows.

Is your partner unsupportive generally? (I ask because I rely on my own partners support a lot, and would be furious and hurt if he said I was a crap parent.) I'm so sorry he said that to you.

I have to say your partner is sounding worse and worse.

Did he say why he thought you were a crap parent? Or did you conclude it from what he said?

He sounds like a crap partner.

I think you don't really sound that abnormal, to be honest. I don't really like playing with my kids. I do enjoy watching them play and have fun with other kids ;). I enjoy taking care of them in practical terms (feeding, clothing etc) but I am just super bored with all the kids games stuff. Obvously I don't show it, but it is there and I try to avoid it. I just try to provide better playmates for my kids in the form of other kids and feel this is job done on my part.
In my opinion the expectations of parents nowadays are too high in regards to kids play/entertainment. Kids can definitely manage to entertain themselves lots of the time in the right environment.

I think a lot of your problems hinge on your misconseption that you are a bad parent. You are certainly not and I can see that from miles away! What you need to do is relax, get rid of the guilt and start doing things that you enjoy, not things you think you SHOULD enjoy. We are all so different and I bet your kids will greatly benefit from doing the things YOU enjoy.

It's not good to have a dynamic emerging where your partner is the 'good parent' and you're the 'crap parent'. Presumably you both have qualities that you bring to the table. He might be fun when a wave hits everyone at the beach while you're a nervous wreck but maybe you are good at planning activities or teaching the kids about safety or whatever. Neither of you are perfect parents - because no-one is - but you are both doing your best.

In terms of practical tips, I find that if I can involve my kids in something I like to do, I feel much better about being with them. My 4-year old can ride his scooter alongside while I run or I put my 1-year in the stroller and go for a long walk. Right now I am reading my 4-year old Road Dahl books at bedtime - he loves them but I am getting just as much out of revisiting my childhood favorites as he is! He interrupts and asks annoying questions from time to time but at least I am enjoying the books too. Reading bloody Paw Patrol adventures at bedtime nearly drove me over the edge...

Taking care of young kids is boring and repetitive and tedious because you are always doing things on repeat. I struggled A LOT when my eldest was still in the baby / toddler stage. Now that we can talk together and watch films and have fun, life is a lot better. A lot of parents struggle with the pre-verbal / needy stage but there is a vocal minority of parents who love it and blog about it so it might not seem that way.

Your partner undermining your efforts is truly awful. He should be gently encouraging you to find 'your way' of parenting.

You show real self-awareness and honesty, and clearly want to feel better about your role. Parenting (when together) should be a team effort; and his comments will only erode your self-esteem still further.

You need someone to talk to outside your 'family unit'. About your own feelings about parenting, and also about your partner's remarks. He is being extremely unfair, especially taking into account your experiences with PND.

My ex eroded my confidence, on a personal level, and also regarding my parenting. Don't let this happen to you. The very fact you recognise you are struggling is a good thing, although it may not feel like it. You want to be a 'better' parent, and you want to enjoy it. Therefore you are a good mother.