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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to worry that I'm unusually unsuited to parenting

85 replies

GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 13:34

I've never enjoyed parenting. I have DD6 and DS4. When DD was born I got PND. Even though I no longer have PND I find parenting both dull and stressful. Stressful because of the unpredictable nature of it. Silk because it's tedious. I cannot summon up enthusiasm for logo or looking at pebbles at the beach. I find the day totally drags when I'm trying to entertain the kids. I feel irritable and exhausted as the day goes on. No doubt I have anxiety issues which make parenting even harder.

I love my kids and would die for them. Miss them when we're apart. But I find spending time with them is not enjoyable. I feel guilty and freakish for feeling this way. 6 years of parenting and I've always felt this way.

What the heck should I do?

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balence49 · 29/08/2016 15:33

When my childless friends ask about how it is with kids mostly I lie. A few times Iv told the truth, and then I tell them it's soul destroying and I can't wait till they grow up. I think they think I'm joking or having a bad day but that's the truth. At least it's back to school next week. I find it easier to muster up some enthusiasm then.

JeepersMcoy · 29/08/2016 15:37

balence one of the things I love about mn is that is the only place I have found where I can be truely honest about it and other people will say they feel the same. It has helped me feel less alone.

Afternoondelights · 29/08/2016 15:38

Just echo what pp have said - you are not alone in feeling this way. I also struggle with the tediousness of parenting and used to frequently find myself flying off the handle at the slightest misdemeanour.

I realised one day I didn't want to be the mother I was and decided to change my attitude. I did parenting classes and asked my gp to refer me to counselling. The counselling was a godsend. To just sit and talk and figure stuff out was great. I also started exercising daily (usually just a walk). It was really hard to change but I faked it (still am at times) and slowly started to see that my kids adore me no matter what mood I'm in but when I'm fully 'with' them, that is all they want.

It gets easier as they get older (I find anyway), there's less 'neediness'.

I really wish you well with this but please don't ever think you are alone.

Mummydummy · 29/08/2016 15:48

I used to do what others say. But I was good at booking to see a friend with same age kids and spend the day together which is much more fun, make sure I got out of the house varying the parks or woods I went to, go for a coffee when going to the shops, make cakes with them, art stuff when I could be bothered.... Break the day up and for me always get out of the house, and make sure I got a bit of adult company too. On a rainy day go to the toy shop (before they knew it was a shop) so they could play with the toys there.

It is hard work, its not all rewarding but it passes very quickly. I have two teenagers now and its a miracle to get them to do much at all with me. I go to the shops, see a friend for coffee, have a walk and they are still exactly where I left them - one in bed the other on playstation.

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 15:48

Thanks for the solidarity everyone.

It is really hard to not feel guilty for these feelings because we are told that as women having a child is the most amazing and fulfilling thing we can do.

Where in fresh hell did this myth come from?? I fell for it and I feel cheated.

I also struggle with the tediousness of parenting and used to frequently find myself flying off the handle at the slightest misdemeanour.

That's me to a Tee

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Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 15:49

What were the parenting classes like?

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Lweji · 29/08/2016 15:55

I think you're expecting too much of yourself.

You can be a great parent without being a great pre-school educator.

A great parent keeps their children healthy, well fed, clothed and, importantly, loved.

Parents aren't necessarily entertainers, nor are they peers.

You have two kids of close ages. Let them entertain each other. Or themselves (always a good life skill).
Enroll them on your interests too. Let them reach out to you and keep you some company on your terms.

It will get better. They will grow and you will start enjoying their company more.
You'll share some interests, and not others, and it will be fine.

I certainly prefer my 11 year old to when he was 4 or 6. In great part because I can leave him at home for a couple of hours with no problems and no worries. Grin

Afternoondelights · 29/08/2016 16:09

The parenting classes were really helpful, it helped me understand a child's perspective and their frustrations; it also made me realise I was a perfectionist and had far too high expectations of myself as a parent! The main thing was the support from chatting to other parents and realising every one is struggling with some aspect or other of parenting, it's not always spoken about but it is very real.

ginorwine · 29/08/2016 16:20

Geordie
I agree
Feel duped .
Trouble is once it's done - it's done for life !!

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 16:20

I always assumed parenting classes were for those referred by social services?

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Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 16:24

I just asked my bloke how he stays so sane and Mary Poppins and he said "because I'm an adult".

Things really are shit aren't they? :(

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FarAwayHills · 29/08/2016 16:24

I found the daily grind at this age tedious and soul destroying even more so in the school holidays. I hated craft, parks, soft play and other peoples whiny kids. My DCs are older now they a lot less needy and my perfect mother guilt has declined significantly. So hang in there it really does get better.

In the meantime, remember you and DH a parenting team each with different skills. If DH is more relaxed and more earth father let him look after this side of things while you focus on things you enjoy more. Please don't feel guilty, there is so much more to being a good parent than parks and Lego.

Lweji · 29/08/2016 16:24

Did he elaborate on that?

ginorwine · 29/08/2016 16:25

There used to be an organisation for people who chose not to have children . Bon - British organisation of non parents .
It talked about asking yourself would you be happy .. And set lots of common parenting tasks ... My answer was always " no " ! But in my 30 s I was hit by the force of maternal cravings . My Dh and I had agreed not to have children .
My ds in law does not want kids - she is 40 now and has stuck by her decision . She said she knew she Wd be depressed if she had Dc . Wize woman .
I do love them dearly and try v hard .

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 16:28

Lweji no he didn't. Essentially I assume he thinks I'm childish for not being able to cope. Am I? This is AIBU so don't hold back. I guess hating parenting is childish?

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Bountybarsyuk · 29/08/2016 16:30

I have a feeling your issues are not actually with your children, they are with your anxiety (the beach incident suggests you are really anxious/panicky as part of everyday life) and your partner, who is waiting to knock you, which just confirms your crapness to yourself.

You sound depressed still, and like you might have more of a relationship problem than a child problem.

I think the danger of saying 'oh well, children are just boring and motherhood is tedious' is that it can also be the result of depression/feeling flat/low self-esteem rather than something intrinsic about motherhood. I have felt boredom/repetition/tediousness at times during parenting, but I also enjoy it immensely- as part of the things I enjoy in life. I would definitely consider seeking counseling/possibly visiting the drs as your anxiety/depression may be creeping up on you again.

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 16:31

"Please don't feel guilty, there is so much more to being a good parent than parks and Lego."

Sorry to sound dim, but what makes a good parent? Genuine fulfillment and attentiveness I would assume :( I accept I am a crap parent.

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Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 16:34

I agree I need help with the anxiety and have an appointment next week :)

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Afternoondelights · 29/08/2016 16:34

Re the parenting classes, I'm in Ireland and they were run locally by the health service, didn't need to be referred but I don't know how it works elsewhere.

I agree with bounty re the low self esteem - the counselling really identified this and helped me put a plan in place to help me feel more confident and in control.

Phineyj · 29/08/2016 16:34

OP, try dividing the day up into hours and one activity per hour? Have some stuff in a cupboard for emergencies (cheap things - cake mixes, bubble wands, craft kits - Wilkos have value ones you can make with recycling).

Get a playlist of music you like and dance to it with them. Exercise improves your mood.

You will probably do better with older DC -- my DDad was useless with young children but much better with older ones and was a mine of usefulness when I was a young adult trying to make my way in the workplace.

DH is way more patient and child-focused than me but I do my bit keeping the show on the road (sorting our finances, booking things, keeping the cupboard of cake kits topped up)!

Your partner married YOU and you have your own strengths.

Lweji · 29/08/2016 16:37

Lweji no he didn't. Essentially I assume he thinks I'm childish for not being able to cope. Am I? This is AIBU so don't hold back. I guess hating parenting is childish?

Dear god, no.

I like parenting. I consider myself a good parent.

I don't enjoy crafting and endless children's activities either.

You do need to talk to him at length, though. Do ask him what he means by that.
You clearly have different skills and things you enjoy. You can work in partnership to make the family work.

Take sports, and the park and so on. I take a good book or chat to the other parents. These days, DS goes to his activity and I go there to collect him (because he insists and to keep in touch) or I go for a power walk with other parents.

What do you enjoy or are good at?

Phineyj · 29/08/2016 16:37

Good parents cover the basics - food, sleep, clothes, love and attention --- you don't have to be some all singing wonder (even if you were, you would make yourself redundant which would be depressing).

Lweji · 29/08/2016 16:37

I agree and was thinking it earlier that you should sort out our anxiety. Good that you are addressing that.

JeepersMcoy · 29/08/2016 17:31

My daughter is fed, clothed, clean, happy and loved. She is lovely and bright and pleasant. I am a good parent (a bloody good parent in fact). It still doesn't fulfill me and I don't particularly enjoy it. I certainly wouldn't want to do it full time and love going to work. You don't have to love doing something to do it well. You just have to get on with it and do what needs to be done.

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 19:57

My bloke has just said I'm a crap parent. He's right of course.

I swear I try my best but I'm weak minded.

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