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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to worry that I'm unusually unsuited to parenting

85 replies

GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 13:34

I've never enjoyed parenting. I have DD6 and DS4. When DD was born I got PND. Even though I no longer have PND I find parenting both dull and stressful. Stressful because of the unpredictable nature of it. Silk because it's tedious. I cannot summon up enthusiasm for logo or looking at pebbles at the beach. I find the day totally drags when I'm trying to entertain the kids. I feel irritable and exhausted as the day goes on. No doubt I have anxiety issues which make parenting even harder.

I love my kids and would die for them. Miss them when we're apart. But I find spending time with them is not enjoyable. I feel guilty and freakish for feeling this way. 6 years of parenting and I've always felt this way.

What the heck should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 14:44

How would you recommend I reach out to my partner?

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 29/08/2016 14:45

You are not alone. Small children are pretty tedious.

Dh's take on the kids is pretty accurate. "I love my kids but I hate being a parent"

Mine bicker and fight at home but are quite well behaved when out (not the supermarket - supermarket is hell).
I take them out a lot. Try and meet up with friends so they can play with them. Generally try to tire them out.

Bountybarsyuk · 29/08/2016 14:45

Sorry, I see you do work outside the home, but this then is another stick to beat yourself up with, which is a shame, as you sound like you are doing fine- your children are loved, go on days out etc.

This might be a strange suggestion, but have you tried Love Bombing? I did it once when I felt quite distant from one child- it's supposed to be about meeting the child's needs but it's actually very good for the parent in terms of feeling connected too.

Perhaps that's enough suggestions from me, and you just want to vent.

I do think though that you are being very very harsh on yourself, you are not unusual at all.

Bountybarsyuk · 29/08/2016 14:49

I mean you seem to think your partner doesn't think much of your parenting as you are not an Earth Mother, but you haven't actually asked him. Is he an Earth Father? Does he love solo days on the beach? Perhaps he does and makes you feel worse. But sometimes feeling like a team that finds the children a bit of a pain gives the parents a bit of solidarity- so raising your eyes when they are annoying and saying 'phew, glad it's bedtime' might help you let out a bit of your frustration. Could you talk with him about how you are feeling without feeling judged? I couldn't at this age with my husband as he's quite critical, but I've built up my own positive opinion of my parenting myself and we offer different things really.

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 14:49

I love my kids but I hate being a parent. Sums it up perfectly.

I do genuinely want suggestions so thank you. The more the better.

I've loved bombed and do so regularly.

OP posts:
alicemalice · 29/08/2016 14:51

This is an interesting book on the subject of not always enjoying motherhood

www.amazon.com/Torn-Two-Ambivalence-Rozsika-Parker/dp/1844081710

Will make you feel less alone in not loving every minute

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 14:51

Bounty he's way closer to the "earth" ideal than me.

Example: we went to the beach today. Tile wave cane in and absolutely detached everyone and all our things. He thought it was an "hilarious adventure" whereas I was hyperventilating. Literally panic-stricken and wanted to run away and cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 14:52

Alice thank you! Will buy.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 14:53

Sorry for all typos. Stupid autocorrect.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 29/08/2016 14:53

geordie. Thank you for your honesty and openness. Your posts have made me feel quite emotional, and also bloody relieved that I am not alone in feeling like this. I will be honest too, I was never that keen on the idea of becoming a mother as it doesn't feel 'natural' to me either, but my ex was desperate for a family of his own (he grew up in foster care) and I loved him.

I'm now a single parent and there are days when I am literally counting the hours until bedtime. I try to get out and do things, but my heart is never truly in it, and then I am plagued with guilt. I'm hoping that when DS starts school in September, things might improve. I really appreciate your sharing this.

RandomMess · 29/08/2016 14:55

Perhaps you still have struggles with anxiety/depression more generally so you find it very difficult to not feel the stress of situations/are negative about things?

This is something I struggle with. A huge part of me just wants to run away and be on my own, free of responsibilities and duties...

Original poster
GeordieBadgers · 29/08/2016 14:56

Itshould we are the same. I count down the hours to bedtime too. I wonder if there is any counselling suitable for us? I wouldn't know what to ask for.

OP posts:
woowoowoo · 29/08/2016 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 29/08/2016 15:10

geordie. I've actually applied for some person-centred therapy, just to 'let it out'. I feel caught in an endless cycle of boredom/frustration/guilt. There is so much pressure to make childhood special and magical, especially with social media showing us wonderful examples of parenting, and bloody Pinterest with it's endless 'suggestions' for creating memories.

So much pressure to be 'perfect' and not enough gentle reassurance that we are 'enough'.

woowoowoo · 29/08/2016 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ginorwine · 29/08/2016 15:14

No
I agree with you
I wonder why we do it sometimes when I read stuff as above about 'making the day more bearable '- it shouldn't feel this way and I too have felt isolated. Esp when we have been out for meals and it's not worked and I see families getting on , or indeed families where adult children live with them .!!!!! I think I'm horrible as I think no way !
I feel that parenting has come between Dh and I if I'm honest - we had many years without dc. We seem to always put them first - for time and cash . Eg our ds plays a sport each weekend in the country side and sometimes he can get a lift there , often not . But we never know until near the time as there may or may not be space in the car and for over 8 years we have rarely had time together that isn't around that lift ! Some parents have said they wdnt support a Dc sport if can't get there themselves but I don't kno how to say no to a passion so adults plans have come second for years.
Our dd is due to go to uni next year but wants a gap year - I'm loosing my mind whisker still love em . I share ur pain . 🍷

gamerchick · 29/08/2016 15:15

Well yes it does get easier the older they get. Mines 9 and despite the fact he may never leave home there are some things he can do himself like get cereal (even if it goes all over) or make toast and helps decide activities and can be good company sometimes when he's relaxed.

However the anxiety your displaying re the beach incident does make me concerned that you may be a smite depressed and anxious more than what a person could be expected to cope with. Do you think a GP visit may help?

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 29/08/2016 15:19

I feel this OP, and it was such a shock to discover I'm not an earth mother. I thought I would love it.

Endless memes telling you to bloody well enjoy every nappy you change because one day there will be no more nappies are very unhelpful.

Mol1628 · 29/08/2016 15:19

I love my children but hate parenting too. Great way to put it.

SuzyLucy · 29/08/2016 15:22

Yanbu. Love my kids, but hate parenting sums it up. Mine are 8 and 10 and I hate to say it, but I cant wait for the 8 year old to be as grown up as the eldest. Young children are enormously tedious and parenthood is often dull. There I have said it.

KMotion · 29/08/2016 15:26

I don't think it's unusual to feel how you do. I found parenting the kids when they were little tedious and boring at times even though I definitely loved them. I decided to treat it a bit like a job and tried to be proactive with my tasks for the day. I found that it helped me to allow myself time for myself. I made it clear to the kids that I would wholeheartedly play with them some of the time but that sometimes I wasn't available unless I was really needed. For example I'd take them for a walk and then do an activity with them such as baking but then I'd tell them to amuse themselves for a couple of hours and to leave me alone. It sounds harsh but it worked for us.

The other thing that worked for me was being as active as possible with them even when I didn't feel like it. I'd take them out everyday at least once and usually twice. It's a bit like having a dog.

It may not feel like it but your kids are your kids for life and even if you don't enjoy this bit then I'm sure you will enjoy other bits.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Thanks

balence49 · 29/08/2016 15:27

This is exactly how I feel! I could have written every one of your posts op! I do love the kids, more the love I would be devestated if they were unhappy/ I'll etc and would die for them in an instant. But hate being a mum. I find very little enjoyment in it. Being a sahm is not helping this situation. Not got much helpful to add but reading with interest and agreeing with the #qualitytimemakingmemoriesbullshit... Usually from folk that you know have more drama than a soap opera in their perfect life.

SuzyLucy · 29/08/2016 15:28

And I agree there is so much expectation on parents now. We would be out all day during the holidays when we were the ahe my two are. My mum got a break (even if she didnt know where we were) and daytips were rare. Now, kids stay in and need entertaining. My two can easily while away the day on the laptop playing games but I end.up feeling guilty. So I arrange a day trip to balance out and it always ends in a row and me feeling bored or stressed whilst they argue or whinge.

VioletBam · 29/08/2016 15:31

OP...I just don't DO the things which so many other parents seem happy to. I have found my own ways.

I never go to playgrounds...I did when mine were under 8 or so and used to sit with a book.

I don't get on the floor and play board games.

I do things which I can cope with and which I know they like too. I've found through trial and error that one DD will happily take long walks with me...another loves shopping in charity shops.

They do that with me. I sometimes do funny voices, sing songs etc...it's ok not to do the things you see on Instagram.

JeepersMcoy · 29/08/2016 15:32

I feel much the same as you. For a while I just told myself I am not a baby person, but while I do find it easier as dd grows up and becomes more able to talk and be vaguely sane (she is 4 now) I have just come to accept that I don't really like being a mother and am not particularly good at it.

What has helped me a lot is realising that this is OK. I am not a bad person for feeling this way any more then I am a bad person for not liking the washing-up. I will do it to the best of my ability, but I don't have to enjoy it. I do not have to be fulfilled by it. I am even coming round to the idea that it is OK to sort of regret having a child at all. I love dd more then life, but I think I would have been happier if i had not had a child.

It is really hard to not feel guilty for these feelings because we are told that as women having a child is the most amazing and fulfilling thing we can do. That our lives are not complete without motherhood. We feel like freaks because we do not fit neatly into the 'mother' box we are given at birth. It is just a box though. It is OK not to be a stereotype. You are not a bad person to need more than just bringing up children.

I have suffered with anxiety a lot and I think this was made far worse because I was feeling intense guilt and trying to be something I was not. I have had therapy recently, it has not made me magically love being a mother but it has made me happier and more accepting of myself as I am. I do believe that i am a better mother for that and I would recommend it.

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