to be angry about DPs treatment of clingy DD?

[mendimoo]

DD will be 2 next month. The only word she can she say is Mummy, and she says it very frequently! It pisses DP off. He thinks she is clingy and that it needs dealing with. Actually, when he isn't here she's very independent. Occasionally she'll 'Mummy' me if I'm being close with DS but a quick hug and she's fine.

DPs 'strategy' is to ignore her when she asks for me and to take her away from me Today he was out from 7 am - 6 pm with his hobby and I had DD in the bath when he came back. When I got her out he said 'come to daddy' and I handed her over for a hug. He told me he'd get her dressed while I cook tea. She screamed 'mummy!' and rather than acknowledge what she'd said he shut the bedroom door in my face. I could hear her getting increasingly upset and screaming my name so I stayed in the next room putting washing away.

I could hear him repeatedly moaning at her to keep still, get dressed, stop screaming and telling her he'd get her some toys out when she was ready. He opened the bedroom door and DD ran out screaming hysterically towards me and he scooped her up and took her in the other room, making her upset even worse.

Two minutes later I heard the stair Gate shut and he'd left her screaming on DS' bedroom and gone out for a cigarette. I went to console her and she was keen to get away from him for the rest of the evening.

I spoke to him tonight and said she's getting frustrated because she's asking for me and he's ignoring her. I suggested that if he acknowledged what she wants but said I'm busy, why don't we do X? Then it would be better than letting her get so upset then leaving her anyway. He said she needs to get over it and that she'll never learn if I always rescue her from him.

I think he needs to go at DDs pace and play alongside her etc to win her over rather than expecting to be able to come in after not having seen her all day and have her be fine with him. AIBU?

Your DP does sound a bit crap from your OP. However, it sounds like you and a lot of posters are ignoring his feelings.

How would you feel as a mum if your DC would reject you, cry when you pick her up, only say the word "daddy". Do you honestly think you would be able to be "oh well, that is fine, I won't interact with her, won't hold her, won't cuddle her..."

Yes the way he acts (from what you describe) is wrong, but it also sounds like you are not trying to help him get closer to his DD.

You are saying that he shouldn't expect DD to run to him after not having seen him for the day, but isn't that what usually happens?? Dad comes back from work or something else, children run to him all happy screaming "daddy is home!". Why is it so strange for him to expect his child to be happy to see him?

This is ringing all sorts of alarm bells for me. Shutting doors when changing child when you can hear child crying? Big no no. Listen to your child.

That's exactly what he expects, Living, to be greeted like a hero returning from war after being away for the day. However, she is the opposite - she's used to me being there and doing everything and wants to keep it that way.

I would be upset if she always asked for him and pushed me away but I wouldn't get angry or force myself on her. I would just keep being kind and open to play and chat and hopefully the gentle approach would work eventually.

I am reading my message and am realizing it sounds a bit harsh, sorry that wasn't intended. I completely understand where you are coming from. The thing is, I used to be in a same position, spending all day with the children, DD rejected DH, crying if he picked her up, pushing him away when he wanted to kiss her. And I was mad at him when he was trying to "force" her.
Then I went away for a week (alone), when I came back she gave me this treatment for one day. I can tell you that after having experienced it, I felt heartbroken for DH. He had this for months, whereas after only one day I was almost crying. I still believe that he should wait for her to come round, and he agrees, but now I understand where he is coming from and know he was acting this way because he didn't know what else to do.

Since then I have been trying to encourage her to go to him, give him a cuddle, not by forcing her, but by talking about him during the day, saying daddy is sad he has to go to work, going away with DS for an hour or so to give DH and DD bonding time.

Just to add, the rejection phase lasted approx 9 months for us. I hope yours will be shorter!

He sounds completely lacking in empathy for his daughter. What is he like otherwise?