to be angry about DPs treatment of clingy DD?

[mendimoo]

DD will be 2 next month. The only word she can she say is Mummy, and she says it very frequently! It pisses DP off. He thinks she is clingy and that it needs dealing with. Actually, when he isn't here she's very independent. Occasionally she'll 'Mummy' me if I'm being close with DS but a quick hug and she's fine.

DPs 'strategy' is to ignore her when she asks for me and to take her away from me Today he was out from 7 am - 6 pm with his hobby and I had DD in the bath when he came back. When I got her out he said 'come to daddy' and I handed her over for a hug. He told me he'd get her dressed while I cook tea. She screamed 'mummy!' and rather than acknowledge what she'd said he shut the bedroom door in my face. I could hear her getting increasingly upset and screaming my name so I stayed in the next room putting washing away.

I could hear him repeatedly moaning at her to keep still, get dressed, stop screaming and telling her he'd get her some toys out when she was ready. He opened the bedroom door and DD ran out screaming hysterically towards me and he scooped her up and took her in the other room, making her upset even worse.

Two minutes later I heard the stair Gate shut and he'd left her screaming on DS' bedroom and gone out for a cigarette. I went to console her and she was keen to get away from him for the rest of the evening.

I spoke to him tonight and said she's getting frustrated because she's asking for me and he's ignoring her. I suggested that if he acknowledged what she wants but said I'm busy, why don't we do X? Then it would be better than letting her get so upset then leaving her anyway. He said she needs to get over it and that she'll never learn if I always rescue her from him.

I think he needs to go at DDs pace and play alongside her etc to win her over rather than expecting to be able to come in after not having seen her all day and have her be fine with him. AIBU?

[Mummydummy]

He sounds very unkind..., okay a dick. Thats why she doesn't want him. She's picking up his unkind, cold vibe. He's reinforcing her attachment to you rather than being a warm, friendly, fun alternative.

[ClopySow]

My dad did this whenever my son was staying with my parents. If my son cried and was reaching for mum, dad would say "i want him to learn that grandad can comfort him too"

Mum replied with "tough shit, it's not about what you want, it's about a distressed child wanting comfort from someone else, now give me the baby immediately"

So that sorted that out.

[freetrampolineforall]

My dd was super clingy and my dh' s feelings were hurt by it, I know. But he kept plugging away for a few years - now they are currently chortling over some joke they made up about ice cream - they went on a hike this weekend.if only your dh could see it is worth putting in the time - just being there.

[RoystonVaseySmegHead]

Awh poor baby, he sounds like he didn't handle the situation well from what you've said... But if she was really distressed why didn't you go see to her and reassure her sooner..? Not meaning to sound bitchy but I hate when Ds cries but maybe I'm pfb or something wouldn't surprise me

[Absofrigginlootly]

I know what you're saying dontyou and agree with you to a point.... But this DH just sounds a bit spiteful with it, like ploughing through with his way is more important than what's best for the child.

I don't know it's hard to say, but it just things like leaving the crying child locked behind a stairgate alone and then buggering off outside for a fag with frustration. Wouldn't a caring (but misguided!) parent who was trying what they (wrongly in this case) thought was best, bring the child to their mum at this point?

I also think that parents really shouldn't be hurt to the point of jealousy by the whims of a toddler, they need to work on their self esteem in that case, it's nothing personal.

[AnyFucker]

Does this man understand the concept of "phases" ?

He sounds thick as mince

[PatButchersEarring]

Ok, I'm going to go against the grain a bit here- he definitely handled it badly, but I don't necessarily think that makes him an outright bad'un! He obviously doesn't understand emotional child development etc, and perhaps he could do with a crash course in this? (Don't know how though). Also, I can't help detecting a slight bit of resentment from you regards to his all day hobby? (Totally understandably). Could it be that your DD is picking up on an atmosphere between you and your P and that this may be fueling her reluctance to be with him? Again, I'm not excusing his handling of the situation, but I'm wondering if there may be more to it...

[george1020]

He is a bully!

He doesn't like the fact your DD wants you (at the moment, she will bond more with DH as she gets older and more independent) and not him.

He wants to throw his weight around to get his own way.

It will only get worse

Good luck, you will need it.

(I would have a very serious discussion tell him his behaviour is completely unacceptable and make a plan to move towards. If he doesn't like it/stick to it/generally behaves like a twat again then LTB)

[TooGood2BeFalse]

Nothing wrong with considering it from all angles PatButcher . Although I think that OP's DP is handling this really badly (speaking as someone who no matter how or what we tried, DS1 would only let me do EVERYTHING with and for him for the first 3 and a half years of life, exhausting..) it is definitely possible the little girl is picking up on stuff..kids are strange creatures. We try not to argue in front of our kids but DS1 now at 4 can read an atmosphere like a book. He can tell who's angry or upset (and usually blames Daddy )

[idontevencare]

His approach is going to have the complete opposite effect - she won't trust him because he's not able to provide what she needs (she technically doesn't need you in those moments but to her she does). She will pull further and further away from him and attach herself more and more to you. It amazes me that he can't see this.

[Yorkieheaven]

Think PatButcher has a point here but he is still an idiot and you can't force children to love you.

he sounds controlling though op of you and your dd. Take care.

[teafortoads]

He sounds utterly vile and I wouldn't have a nasty bullying creature like him anywhere near my 2 year old daughter.

[shiveringhiccup]

Some really good posts here with good insight and advice.

How are you doing OP? Tough thread to read.

What's the bigger picture? How does he treat you? Is he around much - is the all day hobby a frequent thing?

As PP have said, this is totally unacceptable and very damaging.

First of all damage control - when your DD gets upset, go to her. Don't let him take her away and close the door, stay around as a reassuring presence for her and so you can keep an eye on things.

You shouldn't have to of course, but your daughter's wellbeing comes first. Don't leave him on his own with her. You are your daughter's champion and advocate, so stick up for her when he makes her powerless, and meet her needs when he ignores them. If you allow him to do this, your lack of action is damaging as well as his wrong action.

If he wants to work on this properly, you can make a plan together - a gentle plan at DD's pace doing fun activities with daddy with you there in the background if needed, accompanied by some much needed education for him.

But it sounds like you already know this, so in which case the question is what are you going to do if he refuses to change?

[quicklydecides]

Maybe if he wasn't such a selfish dick head out doing his hobby all bloody day then his baby daughter might feel more comfortable with him?

[Socksey]

Well I'm going to go against the grain here....
There is obviously something wrong if a child of 2 will only go to her mother and from the little information we are given this is regular and repeated.
Who is reinforcing the behaviour? Mother or father? This also sounds like a very exasperated father who is desperately trying to be part of his child's life and has been repeatedly shut out... whether intentionally or not....
He's obviously past the point of knowing what to do and has gone over the top.... but is OP always there and correcting him with his own child? Hard to know without more information. ... from the father as doubtless the mother will never think she can be too involved.

[pointythings]

socksey you can go against the grain all you want, but it is developmentally normal for a child this age to be clingy and to prefer one parent over the other. It passes if handled with gentleness and care, as suggested by many posters above. What the OP's DP is doing will make it worse. He can be exasperated all he wants, but he has to be the adult in this and make decisions that are in his child's long-term best interest, not decisions which are for his own short term personal gratification.

[mendimoo]

I always feel that if I step in on occasions like these where hes trying to do something with her/console her then I'm undermining him.

I'm not angry about the hobby, I mentioned it because I thought it was arrogant of DP to come in after not having seen DD all day and presume she'll be happy for him to just take her off. If they'd spent all day around one another then she may have reacted differently. Or if he'd actually told her he was getting her out of the bath and dressed instead of just doing so while she was still playing. He seems to think she should go running to him when he's been away all day and can't understand why she does the opposite.

[mendimoo]

I'm not always there correcting him Socksey, but I am getting left to pick up the pieces after he's upset her and then given up and walked away more and more frequently and I'm fed up with it. It isn't fair on DD. He just can't get his head around the fact that actually acknowledging her wanting me would help the situation.

[Absofrigginlootly]

So OP does he just have his head up his arse on this one issue but otherwise a decent bloke or is he a dismissive and abusive arse in other areas of your life?

What's he like with your DS? You? Does he respect other people's point of view and feelings generally? Has he just got fixated on this one issue?

The distinction is important for your next step

[mummyto2monkeys]

I think your dh's problem is jealousy. I actually spoke to my dh about this and he is the one that suggested that your dh sounds jealous, he also said that your baby is not going to bond with her Daddy when he is traumatising her like this. He suggested spending more time with her when you are around. My husband worked offshore when our ds and dd were your daughters age. He could be away two/ three weeks at a time but still phoned home and insisted on speaking to our babies everyday on the phone. They were always excited to see my dh when he got home. But they were understandably shy around him. My dh would get down to their level and play with them, he would put his arms around both of us and cuddle us this way. He would bath them at night and make them giggle. Both babies preferred me to help them to sleep and dh never took it out on my DC. After two or three days of playing with them and cuddling them, our DC were happy to run to Daddy for cuddles and fun. Daddy took them to the beach and swimming, when I got tired he would fasten both into the twin pram and walk them around the village.

I honestly think that your dh should concentrate on spending time with all of you. Your daughter cannot help not having mastered saying Daddy yet. He cannot expect his little girl to go straight to him when he hasn't seen her all day/ he mostly doesn't get home until bathtime and she is sleepy and ready for bed. If your dh is often working all day/ out late with his hobby then your baby is not getting the chance to bond with him. He needs to make an effort or he is going to push your daughter away from him. The last thing he wants is his little girl being terrified of him.

I would be laying down the law and telling him that under no circumstances is he to get your baby so upset again. I would also tell him that he had no right to slam the door in your face. It is not your fault that your baby is shouting for you. That must have been terrifying for your baby.

I don't know if I am reading wrongly into this, is your husband verbally abusive to you or your son? Is this behavior typical of him? If it is then I would be very careful. Verbal abuse/ bullying behaviour really negatively affects anyone but especially children. I don't think I could continue to be in a relationship with someone who was verbally/ emotionally abusive.

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

He is a prick and stop letting him do that.

Your her mother and she is seeing him lock you out of a room she is in. Bully tactics

[hazeimcgee]

Sorry but after two years how is he this crappy at being a Dad??

Does he not relaise that at 2 she has a mind of her own? And knows what she wants / needs? And has a right to not have to endure things that make her immensly sad unless her welfare is at stake? And that literally locking her in the room with her then ignoring her or making her scream and cry and then walking off cos she's screaming and crying makes him an utter dick??

I seriosuly think you need to sit down and agree boundaries. If my xhild was s reaming for me, i'd make ot clear i'm going in there to comfort her. He can stay too but i'm not leaving her screaming for me cos he has control issues

[pigsknickers]

Socksey sorry but you're wrong, it is completely normal (as others have said) for a child this age to be clingy with their mum. My dp is an absolutely lovely dad and often ds wants nothing to do with him, even getting upset if eg. dp gets him a drink not me. We deal with it by dp continuing to be lovely to him even if ds is rejecting him, by doing things all together, and by dp explaining gently and repeatedly why I'm not doing a particular thing with him, where I've gone etc. When ds does go to dp or shows him affection he makes the most of it, but he never forces it on him or reacts negatively if ds pushes him away. It can't always be easy for him but he's an adult and behaves like one!

[freetrampolineforall]

Pigs, that tactic worked for us and now pays massive dividends.