to be angry about DPs treatment of clingy DD?

[mendimoo]

DD will be 2 next month. The only word she can she say is Mummy, and she says it very frequently! It pisses DP off. He thinks she is clingy and that it needs dealing with. Actually, when he isn't here she's very independent. Occasionally she'll 'Mummy' me if I'm being close with DS but a quick hug and she's fine.

DPs 'strategy' is to ignore her when she asks for me and to take her away from me Today he was out from 7 am - 6 pm with his hobby and I had DD in the bath when he came back. When I got her out he said 'come to daddy' and I handed her over for a hug. He told me he'd get her dressed while I cook tea. She screamed 'mummy!' and rather than acknowledge what she'd said he shut the bedroom door in my face. I could hear her getting increasingly upset and screaming my name so I stayed in the next room putting washing away.

I could hear him repeatedly moaning at her to keep still, get dressed, stop screaming and telling her he'd get her some toys out when she was ready. He opened the bedroom door and DD ran out screaming hysterically towards me and he scooped her up and took her in the other room, making her upset even worse.

Two minutes later I heard the stair Gate shut and he'd left her screaming on DS' bedroom and gone out for a cigarette. I went to console her and she was keen to get away from him for the rest of the evening.

I spoke to him tonight and said she's getting frustrated because she's asking for me and he's ignoring her. I suggested that if he acknowledged what she wants but said I'm busy, why don't we do X? Then it would be better than letting her get so upset then leaving her anyway. He said she needs to get over it and that she'll never learn if I always rescue her from him.

I think he needs to go at DDs pace and play alongside her etc to win her over rather than expecting to be able to come in after not having seen her all day and have her be fine with him. AIBU?

[Squeegle]

He sounds completely lacking in empathy for his daughter. What is he like otherwise?

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

I am reading my message and am realizing it sounds a bit harsh, sorry that wasn't intended. I completely understand where you are coming from. The thing is, I used to be in a same position, spending all day with the children, DD rejected DH, crying if he picked her up, pushing him away when he wanted to kiss her. And I was mad at him when he was trying to "force" her.
Then I went away for a week (alone), when I came back she gave me this treatment for one day. I can tell you that after having experienced it, I felt heartbroken for DH. He had this for months, whereas after only one day I was almost crying. I still believe that he should wait for her to come round, and he agrees, but now I understand where he is coming from and know he was acting this way because he didn't know what else to do.

Since then I have been trying to encourage her to go to him, give him a cuddle, not by forcing her, but by talking about him during the day, saying daddy is sad he has to go to work, going away with DS for an hour or so to give DH and DD bonding time.

Just to add, the rejection phase lasted approx 9 months for us. I hope yours will be shorter!

[mendimoo]

That's exactly what he expects, Living, to be greeted like a hero returning from war after being away for the day. However, she is the opposite - she's used to me being there and doing everything and wants to keep it that way.

I would be upset if she always asked for him and pushed me away but I wouldn't get angry or force myself on her. I would just keep being kind and open to play and chat and hopefully the gentle approach would work eventually.

[katiekrafter]

This is ringing all sorts of alarm bells for me. Shutting doors when changing child when you can hear child crying? Big no no. Listen to your child.

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

Your DP does sound a bit crap from your OP. However, it sounds like you and a lot of posters are ignoring his feelings.

How would you feel as a mum if your DC would reject you, cry when you pick her up, only say the word "daddy". Do you honestly think you would be able to be "oh well, that is fine, I won't interact with her, won't hold her, won't cuddle her..."

Yes the way he acts (from what you describe) is wrong, but it also sounds like you are not trying to help him get closer to his DD.

You are saying that he shouldn't expect DD to run to him after not having seen him for the day, but isn't that what usually happens?? Dad comes back from work or something else, children run to him all happy screaming "daddy is home!". Why is it so strange for him to expect his child to be happy to see him?

[freetrampolineforall]

Pigs, that tactic worked for us and now pays massive dividends.

[pigsknickers]

Socksey sorry but you're wrong, it is completely normal (as others have said) for a child this age to be clingy with their mum. My dp is an absolutely lovely dad and often ds wants nothing to do with him, even getting upset if eg. dp gets him a drink not me. We deal with it by dp continuing to be lovely to him even if ds is rejecting him, by doing things all together, and by dp explaining gently and repeatedly why I'm not doing a particular thing with him, where I've gone etc. When ds does go to dp or shows him affection he makes the most of it, but he never forces it on him or reacts negatively if ds pushes him away. It can't always be easy for him but he's an adult and behaves like one!

[hazeimcgee]

Sorry but after two years how is he this crappy at being a Dad??

Does he not relaise that at 2 she has a mind of her own? And knows what she wants / needs? And has a right to not have to endure things that make her immensly sad unless her welfare is at stake? And that literally locking her in the room with her then ignoring her or making her scream and cry and then walking off cos she's screaming and crying makes him an utter dick??

I seriosuly think you need to sit down and agree boundaries. If my xhild was s reaming for me, i'd make ot clear i'm going in there to comfort her. He can stay too but i'm not leaving her screaming for me cos he has control issues

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

He is a prick and stop letting him do that.

Your her mother and she is seeing him lock you out of a room she is in. Bully tactics

[mummyto2monkeys]

I think your dh's problem is jealousy. I actually spoke to my dh about this and he is the one that suggested that your dh sounds jealous, he also said that your baby is not going to bond with her Daddy when he is traumatising her like this. He suggested spending more time with her when you are around. My husband worked offshore when our ds and dd were your daughters age. He could be away two/ three weeks at a time but still phoned home and insisted on speaking to our babies everyday on the phone. They were always excited to see my dh when he got home. But they were understandably shy around him. My dh would get down to their level and play with them, he would put his arms around both of us and cuddle us this way. He would bath them at night and make them giggle. Both babies preferred me to help them to sleep and dh never took it out on my DC. After two or three days of playing with them and cuddling them, our DC were happy to run to Daddy for cuddles and fun. Daddy took them to the beach and swimming, when I got tired he would fasten both into the twin pram and walk them around the village.

I honestly think that your dh should concentrate on spending time with all of you. Your daughter cannot help not having mastered saying Daddy yet. He cannot expect his little girl to go straight to him when he hasn't seen her all day/ he mostly doesn't get home until bathtime and she is sleepy and ready for bed. If your dh is often working all day/ out late with his hobby then your baby is not getting the chance to bond with him. He needs to make an effort or he is going to push your daughter away from him. The last thing he wants is his little girl being terrified of him.

I would be laying down the law and telling him that under no circumstances is he to get your baby so upset again. I would also tell him that he had no right to slam the door in your face. It is not your fault that your baby is shouting for you. That must have been terrifying for your baby.

I don't know if I am reading wrongly into this, is your husband verbally abusive to you or your son? Is this behavior typical of him? If it is then I would be very careful. Verbal abuse/ bullying behaviour really negatively affects anyone but especially children. I don't think I could continue to be in a relationship with someone who was verbally/ emotionally abusive.

[Absofrigginlootly]

So OP does he just have his head up his arse on this one issue but otherwise a decent bloke or is he a dismissive and abusive arse in other areas of your life?

What's he like with your DS? You? Does he respect other people's point of view and feelings generally? Has he just got fixated on this one issue?

The distinction is important for your next step

[mendimoo]

I'm not always there correcting him Socksey, but I am getting left to pick up the pieces after he's upset her and then given up and walked away more and more frequently and I'm fed up with it. It isn't fair on DD. He just can't get his head around the fact that actually acknowledging her wanting me would help the situation.

[mendimoo]

I always feel that if I step in on occasions like these where hes trying to do something with her/console her then I'm undermining him.

I'm not angry about the hobby, I mentioned it because I thought it was arrogant of DP to come in after not having seen DD all day and presume she'll be happy for him to just take her off. If they'd spent all day around one another then she may have reacted differently. Or if he'd actually told her he was getting her out of the bath and dressed instead of just doing so while she was still playing. He seems to think she should go running to him when he's been away all day and can't understand why she does the opposite.

[pointythings]

socksey you can go against the grain all you want, but it is developmentally normal for a child this age to be clingy and to prefer one parent over the other. It passes if handled with gentleness and care, as suggested by many posters above. What the OP's DP is doing will make it worse. He can be exasperated all he wants, but he has to be the adult in this and make decisions that are in his child's long-term best interest, not decisions which are for his own short term personal gratification.

[Socksey]

Well I'm going to go against the grain here....
There is obviously something wrong if a child of 2 will only go to her mother and from the little information we are given this is regular and repeated.
Who is reinforcing the behaviour? Mother or father? This also sounds like a very exasperated father who is desperately trying to be part of his child's life and has been repeatedly shut out... whether intentionally or not....
He's obviously past the point of knowing what to do and has gone over the top.... but is OP always there and correcting him with his own child? Hard to know without more information. ... from the father as doubtless the mother will never think she can be too involved.

[quicklydecides]

Maybe if he wasn't such a selfish dick head out doing his hobby all bloody day then his baby daughter might feel more comfortable with him?

[shiveringhiccup]

Some really good posts here with good insight and advice.

How are you doing OP? Tough thread to read.

What's the bigger picture? How does he treat you? Is he around much - is the all day hobby a frequent thing?

As PP have said, this is totally unacceptable and very damaging.

First of all damage control - when your DD gets upset, go to her. Don't let him take her away and close the door, stay around as a reassuring presence for her and so you can keep an eye on things.

You shouldn't have to of course, but your daughter's wellbeing comes first. Don't leave him on his own with her. You are your daughter's champion and advocate, so stick up for her when he makes her powerless, and meet her needs when he ignores them. If you allow him to do this, your lack of action is damaging as well as his wrong action.

If he wants to work on this properly, you can make a plan together - a gentle plan at DD's pace doing fun activities with daddy with you there in the background if needed, accompanied by some much needed education for him.

But it sounds like you already know this, so in which case the question is what are you going to do if he refuses to change?

[teafortoads]

He sounds utterly vile and I wouldn't have a nasty bullying creature like him anywhere near my 2 year old daughter.

[Yorkieheaven]

Think PatButcher has a point here but he is still an idiot and you can't force children to love you.

he sounds controlling though op of you and your dd. Take care.

[idontevencare]

His approach is going to have the complete opposite effect - she won't trust him because he's not able to provide what she needs (she technically doesn't need you in those moments but to her she does). She will pull further and further away from him and attach herself more and more to you. It amazes me that he can't see this.

[TooGood2BeFalse]

Nothing wrong with considering it from all angles PatButcher . Although I think that OP's DP is handling this really badly (speaking as someone who no matter how or what we tried, DS1 would only let me do EVERYTHING with and for him for the first 3 and a half years of life, exhausting..) it is definitely possible the little girl is picking up on stuff..kids are strange creatures. We try not to argue in front of our kids but DS1 now at 4 can read an atmosphere like a book. He can tell who's angry or upset (and usually blames Daddy )

[george1020]

He is a bully!

He doesn't like the fact your DD wants you (at the moment, she will bond more with DH as she gets older and more independent) and not him.

He wants to throw his weight around to get his own way.

It will only get worse

Good luck, you will need it.

(I would have a very serious discussion tell him his behaviour is completely unacceptable and make a plan to move towards. If he doesn't like it/stick to it/generally behaves like a twat again then LTB)

[PatButchersEarring]

Ok, I'm going to go against the grain a bit here- he definitely handled it badly, but I don't necessarily think that makes him an outright bad'un! He obviously doesn't understand emotional child development etc, and perhaps he could do with a crash course in this? (Don't know how though). Also, I can't help detecting a slight bit of resentment from you regards to his all day hobby? (Totally understandably). Could it be that your DD is picking up on an atmosphere between you and your P and that this may be fueling her reluctance to be with him? Again, I'm not excusing his handling of the situation, but I'm wondering if there may be more to it...

[AnyFucker]

Does this man understand the concept of "phases" ?

He sounds thick as mince