to ask if you have and why you have let go of some long friendships?

[CoolToned]

Friendships that lasted for years.

Friends since we were 12 until age 42. Complicated situation but ultimately she is quite controlling and jealous. Couldn't accept my family situation of me being a SAHM as she saw it as degrading. She would instigate arguments with my DH about anything when we got together (after a few drinks)......I got the same story from my other married friends. She also made a pass at my DH and friends DH.
When she started to instigate arguments with me I ditched her.

I've consciously dumped three friends after my values improved changed. They aren't good people, and I started to care about that. Many others have just drifted due to changed circumstances. But there are a few, lifelong-friend types, with whom I've lost touch because I'm so boring now I'm permanently sick and subsisting on benefits; they're still rich, fit and living fascinating lives. It's utterly stupid of me but, now I've been out of touch for years, I can't bring myself to ring up and say "Well, my life's still tedious but tell me about yours!"

I should, shouldn't I. Or should I? What would you feel if you were my long-lost friend?

She went really weird when I was in intensive care and then recovering afterwards. She'd refuse to visit and send spiteful messages. Her sister said she just couldn't stand that the attention wasn't on her. It was a long time coming and she'd always been a bit of a liability, drama just followed her around and looking back she emotionally abused me for years. She fucked me up for a long time and I still feel panicky if I see her around, even ten years on.

I let about 3 drift for different reasons.

One I knew since I was 5 did n't send a card or ring when my father died.

Ditto another one.

Third, while great fun, has a life full of drama, gambling ex h, druggie boyfriend and I think she's looking for somewhere to stay. Ive not lost touch but keeping a fair bit of distance.

1. self obsessed, talked endlessly about her problems and very much all about her, then the one time I wanted to talk she told me I was getting boring!
2. Very old friend, became good career woman and got rather up herself. Kept arranging to meet then cancelling, then acting like I was a stalker when she cancelled or got someone else to cancel for her. I realised she was meeting me out of duty, then putting it off, then feeling guilty, hence angry with me. I realised I didn't find her al that interesting anyway and was not going to be pissed on any longer.
3. Always had to compete. I found myself rising to the challenge unfortunately and didn't like that feeling at all. It wasn't a proper friendship after that, it was a showhousing thing and got ridiculous. I got weary of the friendship when she and her P were churlish about a major life change that was nice for us and I saw what a waste of bloody time it all was and how I wasn't myself when with her.

looking back she emotionally abused me for years. She fucked me up for a long time

This describes one of mine, too. She was a "Wendy" and an abuser. My best friend & flatmate for years! (See why I needed to change my values.)

My friend of several years works at my dds school. I made the mistake of telling my friend that I'd had to make a complaint about my dd being bullied and she went up the wall. She was so defensive of the school she said my dd was lying and I didn't know my own daughter. I was notified of the bullying by my dds teacher, not just dd herself.

Really sad that she's decided to be like that but she was very hurtful. I was so shocked at the time that I apologised for upsetting her! After she'd gone I thought what the fuck?

She's always been a bit patronising and condescending. Whilst I miss our friendship I definitely think I've moved on.

Infuriatingly every time I see her at school she gives me a breezy hello as though she forgives me for upsetting her but disapproves of me and won't involve herself anymore. I feel like thumping her.

She's going to be dds TA next term. I'm a bit worried that she won't take any reports of bullying seriously. It's been going on with the same girl for a couple of years so she'd better bloody well believe dd.

I realised that my friend of 40 odd years and an alcoholic was just no good for me.
She knowingly let me get in a car with her when she'd had a drink , crashed said car and told the police I had been driving to save her skin.
I found out reams of stuff after that that she'd done and said about me going back years . Down to sleeping with my boyfriend when I was a teenager.
Went totally NC and my life is better for it.

Just the one...

We were friends for many years- until I realised that she only contacted me when she wanted something. She would frequently cancel plans at the last minute, to the point that my family were starting to get cross about it on my behalf.

She had an affair and used me as her excuse for being out,unbeknown to me, until the time when she came to my house for the evening for gossip and wine, and after an hour so went and changed her outfit in the bathroom and on emerging said 'You don't mind do you Shodan? I'd do the same for you' and left to spend the evening with her new man.

I finally snapped after an epic piece of using on her part and stopped contact. After that I would get a message on FB every few years or so, bemoaning the disappearance of our 'close' friendship and wanting to come and stay with me (I live nearish to London- I know she wanted a free place to crash while she went out in town).

Eventually got my act together and blocked her on FB. Never regretted it.

We were best friends for 15 years and shared so much until... I got unexpectedly pregnant and found myself alone. I very much needed my friends to hold my hand but she decided that was the right time to tell me she found me patronising. I was grief stricken and it actually hurt more than being pregnant and dumped.

I will never ever trust her again.

She cut me out from one of the most hardest things in her life. She had cancer and decided she didn't need me. We were always so close..we jokingly used to say we'd be together if we were gay. She's hurt me more than any break up..worse thing is I don't think she has a clue. She's bi-polar and has no idea how she affects people. My fault for believing the things she said and how she behaved.

Dated my ex behind my back (was never 100% sure there was no crossover) and she started hanging round with some v dodgy people. I'm hindsight she was a complete user and princess.

The first time was someone I'd known for about 9 years. We got on pretty well when we got together but she was so unreliable. She would say we should meet up and then I would end up waiting around at the place we were supposed to meet and she wouldn't show up. She would maybe text me with a bad excuse about half an hour after the time we were supposed to meet. I tried to accept that was her way and never get my hopes up that she would turn up but like an idiot I really thought she would come to my engagement party - she never turned up! Even though she kept telling me how excited she was and knew what she was wearing etc. So I gave up on her after that. A year later she contacted me out of the blue asking me to be her bridesmaid! I politely declined.

The second time was a friend I'd known for around 14 years. Always found her a bit immature and annoying at times but we still got on quite well when we were younger. As we grew older though I realised that we were actually pretty different with a lot of our views (which I won't go into now) and she was still very immature. It just wasn't working. Plus (being a bit petty I guess) she text me about 2 months after my birthday saying 'Sorry I forgot your birthday, it's 'cause you're not on facebook!' - which kinda upset me a little as we'd been friends since we were 11, before we all had facebook and she used to remember then!
But yeah, I made the choice not to make any effort to contact her any more as socialising with her was becoming a bit of a chore which isn't how it should be.

My friend of decades, I realised always talked about herself and was never really interested in me or my life.
When we spent time together it was a constant barrage of complaints about everything in her life. But when I'd try to be supportive she'd come back with reasons why I'd got it wrong .
She was very competitive and would passively aggressively criticise things I had. Eg. Oh, we had those lamp shades in our house. We could have given them to you as we didn't like them. . Or tell me I was wrong about everything.
The worst thing was though that she'd always be terribly entertaining when talking to others but save her cat's bum face for me. I realised I was second division friend. She saved her best side, her energy and caring for others.
I haven't really missed her. And I don't miss the energy vampireness.
For the previous poster who asked if it was worth explaining for past transgressions, I would say definitely yes. But only if you're going to take responsibility and own up to anything you've done wrong, however unintentionally. The non-apology apology (I'm sorry you feel that way) just makes things worse.

One was a colleague that I was really close to. She got a new internal job and was based at a different office. Suddenly she stopped emailing me - no reason why and would still email other colleagues. We'd see each other at other people's leaving drinks and say hi but that was it. When she found out I was leaving, she sent an email telling me good luck and apologising for not keeping in touch - apparently I was too depressing to talk to . Afterwards, we kept in touch but were never as close. We would email and were planning our weddings...suddenly everything was a competition. She would ask mutual friends what my wedding was going to be like, would tell me how lucky I was to have two wedding outfits, she couldn't because her one dress would cost £6k etc. It culminated in her telling me how lucky I was that our one mutual friend came to my civil ceremony and not at her wedding (mutual friend passed away in a tragic accident)...even after all this if I ever get in touch everything is amazing and fantastic. I cba with that.

I think I'm distancing myself from my BF...We've been best friends for about 10 years and she has been amazing, been there for me through all my shit and stuff. For the last year she has been shit, Mr Meh and I have been suffering from infertility and she has been rubbish at asking questions or makes fucking insensitive comments (like telling me to enjoy my freedom even though I am desperate to have children and that she envies me). After the first cycle of ivf failed, I told her and she hadn't asked about it again. She lives abroad so we mostly communicate by email, I've said on a number of occasions that I am sad/meh/down and she's ignored every single one. I've always said that she can ask, I may not want to answer but she's never asked. I just don't want to talk to her anymore, she has her own kid and that's been difficult but her personality shift has made me not want to talk to her anymore. When I was in her city recently, I suggested we meet up for dinner. She agreed and then kept coming up with excuses as to why not (in laws were coming- they go over practically every other weekend!), couldn't leave the house as no baby sitter and her husband was at a work event - fair enough, but she could have said come over to hers. All she could spare was 30mins and even then we just sat on a bench in a shopping centre! She wanted me to go to her apartment building and she'd meet me in the lobby ! I haven't made the effort to email her recently and she has stopped too, I think she wants to see if I will make the effort. I don't know what to say, I miss her, I miss confiding in her but she's so self absorbed and doesn't care about the pain I'm going through.

Friend 3 - just very flakey, doesn't make the effort. Her new thing is to organise a meet for us and then either cancel or just ghost me, lost her number a few years ago and have asked lots of times for it and she has never given it to me which is a bit strange. We're due to meet up soon so will see if it happens.

First one made me very sad. She started dating a repulsive person shortly after we met, and I put up with him for years. No one liked him, including her parents who they had to live with because he was incapable of getting a real job. This animosity caused her to become super defensive and they developed an "us against the world" mentality. Bit by bit they cut themselves off from other people and her personality disappeared until she became so much like him I couldn't stand to be around her either. I'm still sad about it. DP says I should get in touch but the person I loved is long gone.

The second had been suffering from depression for years. She had no friends, which should have been a red flag, but I thought we got on well so pursued the friendship anyway. She was always possessive and a bit manipulative but I let it go given her situation. She was in therapy when we met and doing well, but then her therapist moved to another city and she refused to see anyone else. She became more needy and possessive over the get few years and I mostly stayed friends with her because I felt sorry for her. She started saying some mean stuff and pointedly trying to split me from my other friends. I moved to a new city. We kept in touch.

A few years later she decided to move to my city and asked to stay with us until she found a job and new place to stay. By this time I really didn't like her much. She had visited a few times and changed to be a lot like her sister, who I didn't like. Her sister was her only friend and she had always thought she was really cool. She wasn't.

So anyway, DP said this is her opportunity to move out of home and start a new life and she could only do this if we supported her. I agreed though I knew it was a bad idea. We let her stay and it became apparent very quickly she didn't intend to find her own place at all. I took her out and forced her to find other accommodation, telling her 5 weeks was the absolute limit as I had other people coming who also needed to stay until they found a house. She was very resentful and had lots of childish tantrums. Same with looking for a job. It was like having a stroppy teenager in the house all the time trying to get her to be a bit responsible. So eventually she found a house and job. All good! Then she started to single white female me, trying to get into my friend group. This in between trying to put me down and having the biggest tantrums if I dared to go out without her. If I saw old friends it was a "snub" and how could I? Eventually I got sick of it all and told her she needed to grow up and stop lying and using me. We no longer speak of course and getting her out of my life was a huge weight off my shoulders. It was about 2 years actual friendship, several years of tiredness and guilt, then several years of despising her but feeling responsible. I do wonder if I'd gone very low contact much earlier on if it wouldn't have ended so badly, but this way at least she had the support she needed to get out of her parents' toxic house and she is gone from my life. I didn't have children then but I really wouldn't want her around any. She was so bitter and horrible and I sincerely doubt she will ever change. It's very sad objectively, but I can't put myself through that.

I interviewed my ex-friend for her first job and appointed her (before we were friends) and then recommended her for a subsequent job.

She arrived for the new job, but clearly decided that she didn't want to be friends with me any more.

That was fine, I respected that , I had other friends!

But she then bitched about me, spread rumours, and 'stole' my friends! (I know, we sound like 8 year olds)!!

Bitch!

Best friend from school became a mummy blogger. She wrote really uneducated tripe: anti vax, formula is junk food, anti sunscreen all for publicity. I completely disagreed with everything and her smug militant posts really pissed me off. Realised I didn't want her in my life. Don't miss her

I have questioned myself about 2 old friendships recently.
Also about newer ones. With the newer it seems to be me who always makes all the running. I'm going to stop and see what happens.

I fear I could be friendless, before long!!

I very recently, finally, cut off an old friend who'd become more of a stalker. We'd need friends at school and she's another that lives very much in the past.

With advice from here I ended up texting her telling her I had no idea who she was and my own number was new to me. Basically pretended to be a stranger. She text back once giving the 'stranger' all my details!!

It's been a couple of weeks now and radio silence from her.

I have a person in my life I need to cut off,but if I did it would be so messy. I realised recently that although I thought we were good friends, I have started to get anxious when I hear from her or see her. She is unwell which makes it worse but I hate the high school drama, you can't befriends with that person, woe is me, I am so much better than everyone, passive aggressive Facebook digs. I know what she says about others and his things are twisted so I have no doubt she is saying the same about me. It will leave me friendless but I think I have to do it for my mental health. The ripples will have far reaching effects though.

Friends for twenty years until I realised I was being taken for a mug. Always found reasons to say my DP 'obviously didn't like' her (not true). Used me as the babysitter while she went to parties and festivals etc with her more exciting friends. Would happily correct me during conversation on my pronunciation or what I'd said - even in front of others. The one time I commented on this I then got a phone call telling me off for making things 'so awkward'. Had several affairs and tried to make me feel like the 'special friend' for confiding these in me. Went off on a rant about how a mutual friend's domestically abusive relationship was making her social life awkward. Shouted at her and my DCs all the time and was generally histrionic. On one occasion when I questioned her behaviour she said this was a sign my mental health was poor and she made me a GP appointment (I cancelled it). Would go off-radar for weeks saying she couldn't talk to anyone as she had so much stress but would then regale me with news of all the people shed obviously spoken to while ignoring me. Would cancel things at the last minute with lame excuses, then expect me to do things at the drop of a hat. Treated her DP like crap, was vile about her DS and DM and obsessed with their money, to the point that she was majorly concerned that if her DM died before her stepfather she would have to share HER inheritance with his children. Ended up bullying a fortune out of her DM to avoid this.

Yes, she was a manipulative, controlling bully. The crux for me was when I told her I was very low and going through a dark time and she didn't respond. I have felt grief and anger and lots of self-doubt and confusion but the sense of freedom and relief has been priceless and life changing.

No big fall outs - just gradual realisations that the closeness had gone:

1. Way back when I left school at 16 (having hated it and decided to do my A Levels at FE college instead) I only really kept in touch with one girl who had stayed on into sixth form. She had quite a negative attitude to life and her main topics of conversation were a) how awful everyone we'd been at school with still was and b) how anyone had left and who wasn't doing their A Levels was going to have a terrible life. (She was very academically clever and was being pushed quite hard by the school as an Oxbridge candidate, so qualifications became all that mattered.) I didn't like most of the people she was slagging off any more than she did, but it just became so draining. I was meeting new people I really liked and actually having fun - I wanted to concentrate on that rather than endlessly rehashing the past. Each meeting became more excruciating as I desperately tried to find things to talk about with someone I no longer had any connection with. In the end when I started coming home from uni for the holidays I was actually getting my mother to answer the phone (the days of landlines!) in case it was her, so I could fake being out. In the end when I finished uni I stayed in the city I'd studied in and never sent her my new address. I felt childish at essentially pushing her out, but it just completely drained me spending time with her. It felt like a weight lifted once we were no longer in touch.

2. One of my closest friends at uni was great fun but, being a few years older than me (mature student), found it necessary to offer 'helpful' advice at every turn. She thought relationships were the best all and end all, so if I so much as had one date she was trying to marry me off. I once made the mistake of telling her I'd been out with someone a couple of times but wasn't quite sure about him and was met with a dramatic eye roll and 'Oh no, not AGAIN. Why are you always like this in your relationships?' What sodding relationship!?! I got a house after uni - I'd chosen the wrong one, she'd seen a better one much cheaper. I was taking too long to redecorate and wasn't doing it properly. I'd bought the wrong fridge freezer - 'Ooh, it's a dinky little freezer isn't it? I always think it's better to have a bigger freezer; then you can prepare more in advance'. If you thought this was such a vital titbit if information, why not mention it before I bought the sodding thing?

However, I think what really killed it off was she got heavily into religion. Suddenly I was being asked to consider whether I should let the Lord into my life; that maybe that the lack of guidance from God was why things weren't going as well as they might be (in her eyes, not mine). I tried to respectfully say I was a non-believer, but got questioned on 'What's your theory on the creation then if you don't think there's a God?' She then started inviting me to meet her church friends so I could see what cool people they were - but later had an attack of conscience and admitted that the idea was to get non-believer friends out on the Friday and Saturday night before casually asking 'If you've enjoyed this, perhaps you might enjoy church tomorrow?'

I think we might have eventually fallen out, but she had two kids in quick succession, which meant she had a lot less free time. At the same time I was travelling a lot for work, so her rare free time and mine rarely crossed over. I put a birthday card through her letterbox and got no response; she came round about three weeks later and rather sheepishly admitted she'd been picking up post from her 'old' house and had meant to tell me she was moving... Not long afterwards I got fed up with travelling for my job and also moved. I also meant to call and let her know, but eventually I realised we really weren't going to stay in touch. Years later she got in touch on FB - her first question was 'Are you all sorted with a partner now?' and her page was covered in links to groups like 'Why won't people listen when I tell them how much I love God?!' I made no further effort to stay in touch.

Not sure if this counts as a long term friendship but it was over a year. Went to a festival with my friend. She pretty much ignored me the whole time. Let her 9 year old daughter kick me out of her tent when I was sat there socialising as daughter didn't want me there - said she'd come and join me in my tent in a bit after daughter calmed down, left me waiting for a good hour, then when I gave up and went out to find someone else to socialise with there she was sat with them. Didn't apologise, just brushed it off. It all blew up the next day over something unrelated (classic case of displacement) and when I suggested we all have a chat to resolve it, the chat consisted of her telling me off for having a go at her when I'd been drinking!

Realised that everything would always be my fault, as she cannot take any criticism or challenge, and decided to cool it there and then. Actually, I didn't decide to cool it so much as it just didn't feel right anymore - not really a conscious decision on my part IYKWIM. But I realised she was not the person I thought she was. Most things you can resolve through chatting through and both taking responsibility - she couldn't even do this so it was game over.

It's shit when you realise someone you thought was a friend suddenly changes before your very eyes. Once you lose respect for someone it's pretty much game over. I have a very low 'dickhead' threshold now which has served me well in eliminating shit friends from my life, but does mean I say goodbye to people more than I used to.

I decided to drop a friend of 15 years this year, there were some things that became 'the final straw(s)' after their desire for success became too much.
This person was always a bit self-obsessed and thought they were Gods gift to the opposite sex, but that was just part of them and I could live with that. I think they just thrived on attention (which may explain the fiasco when they told me about my 'suprise' birthday party that my DP was planning). For someone so academically smart, they made some really dumb life choices especially with partners, I.e. picking unsuitable partners, or when they did find someone nice, cheat on them (they knew I'd been cheated on, so I didn't agree with this but everyone makes mistakes).
It was when they changed 'jobs' and joined a MLM they jumped into this with both feet wholeheartedly and took their desire for success to a whole new weird level. Tried to recruit me repeatedly asking my opinions on what technique I thought might work with chronic illness self-help groups etc. So each time I mentioned something at work that was a bit challenging, it was met with a response of "come work for me, your life will be so much better being your own boss". So I felt couldn't talk about that. Ok, so talk about my family "you'd have so much more time with them if you came to work for me". . They worked very hard to project this image of success that I knew was BS - the MLM didn't earn them their car, an inheritance paid for that! The MLM didn't pay their mortgage, it was their parents house! And on it went...
Even when we were close, they made me feel bad for 'how long it had been since we last met' following on with PA remarks about how they know I'm 'always busy with family'.
I started to distance myself, but they'd contact me in a flap about their latest relationship disaster, so I'd listen and offer advice. Then they'd get round to asking me about my life. Again, the usual responses. If I mentioned my chronic pain condition, I'd then get:
Friend: "you should use my product. I think it would help you".

Me: "That's interesting. (Yawn)"
Friend: "my neighbour had the exact same symptoms"
Me: (but your neighbour is male, so no, not quite the same) "oh, I'll look it up on the Internet"
Friend: "I'll send you some"
Me: "uhh, maybe send me the information on it?"
Friend: "I'll send you some, but promise me you'll use it. It'll be a gift for you"
Me: "uhh, I'll show the info to my specialist, see what they say. I'm seeing them in a fortnight (lie)"
Friend: "contact me when you need it. Don't buy it from anyone else".
Me:

No interest in the hideous effect the condition was having on my life or me as a person.

Their 'business' wasn't doing as well as hoped this year, as they then changed their f/b posts to 'extra extra motivational' memes, berating themselves for not making as much money working hard enough. In these posts included gumpf including tripe about how "anxiety was only worrying about the future, depression was only worrying about the past" . Other tripe about "those around you try to hold you back because they can't admit that they're still left behind where they don't want to be" and PA comments about those who didn't believe in the MLM model, how we're jealous etc etc.

I've unfollowed them on f/b and have let it fizzle out. Such a shame that in the end, they only saw me as an opportunity to make money.