Difficult question regarding DS aged 14

[AndieNZ]

Anyone else finding this age a nightmare?
Basically DS is 14 and can be quite lazy. He likes to slob around at the weekends/school holidays and would spend hours on either Xbox or watching complete crap on YouTube. He has a cant be bothered attitude.
I am alone this bank holiday weekend as DH is working. So there is just me, DS and our dog. We are normally quite an active family and enjoy long dog walks or family days out on the bank holiday but with DH working, it's left up to me to decide what we do. I would normally have lots of things planned well pencilled in as things can change due to weather etc but due to money being a little tight at the moment, I have just decided to go with the flow and see what the weather brings and decide what we feel like doing.
I'm having a battle with DS today as the weather is gorgeous but he refuses to do anything with me! He refuses to do anything outside at all! All he wants to do is stay in and play on Xbox. Last Saturday, the weather was pouring down and I asked him what shall we do today and he said he didn't want to go out, he just wanted a PJ day, and that's what we did as the weather was so rotten. But when the weather is so nice, it just goes against the grain to stay in playing on an Xbox. I've tried to compromise and suggest part of the day he can do what he wants but the other part we go out for a canal walk with our dog, suggested lunch out (normally at that suggestion, eyes are lit up and he's out of the door) and tried to be breezy and jolly about it all.. But no. So I asked him what he wanted to do. All he has suggested is that we go out in the car and park up and look around the shops. This is something we did two days ago as we went out on a town centre shopping trip buying new school shoes and stationery etc. I've calmly sat down and tried to explain things to him but he's off like a firework slamming doors etc. We have now mutually in the heat of a row agreed that we shall do our own things today separately.

He also appears to be going through a period where he doesn't seem to have many friends on the scene at the moment. During the school holidays is a little hard as his school is a fair distance away and his schoolfriends live in the next town. There aren't many kids who live on our street his age that he has anything in common with. If he was refusing to spend time out with me due to having plans with other kids then I would back down and appreciate that. But as a parent I am struggling with this.
A thought struck me that at 14 is he at that age where I should I let him decide how he spends his time even though he is glued to either a computer or TV screen? Or do I drag him out with me?

I also agree that driving is the time for conversations. No eye contact really helps.

"I'm having a battle with DS today as the weather is gorgeous but he refuses to do anything with me!"

You sound utterly flummoxed by this. But teenagers don't give a shit about the weather. Not the way we do.

I agree with a PP too that the "technology has a lot to answer for" attitude is wrong. I too would have happily spent sunny days inside reading, listening to music, whatever.

Love the 'tell, don't ask' phrase. We'd did that with dcs yesterday and dragged them out shopping. Mostly I let them enjoy being at home, but everyso if ten I force them out.

It doesn't just apply to days out tonight. As its bank holiday, felt we should spend time together (with apologies to another thread < Family Film Night!!>) so turned the wi Fi off. It's the best way to get teens out of their rooms.

My 12 year old still calls me mummy. I like it. He called me mum once and I felt a bit sad.

at the end of the canal there is a lovely pub that we always visit that does lovely chips... coupled with a J20
Teenagers dont care about that, learning curve?

technology has a lot to answer for
Its nothing to do with technology, teenagers have never wanted to have a lovely day walking with their parents. I would have swallowed rocks to be allowed to have a day alone with curtains pulled reading books.

Teenagers DO NOT desire to bask in sunshine.

It is not needy to want to spend some time with your son, at any age.

Ridiculous notion!

Kids need to learn the world does not revolve around them (even if it does ), and sometimes you have to do things for or with others.

Sure, they might prefer to stay in their room all day. But they aldo need to visit granny, or feed the neighbour's cat, or go for a walk with the dog. That way they learn to not just think of themselves.

Just because your son doesn't have friends around to "play" doesn't mean he doesn't have friends. Could well be they're all playing the same game (as is often the case these days), could also be that they're all doing exactly the same thing right now (playing on their PC/XBOX/Playstation).

As long as he's not out getting into trouble, and he's eating and otherwise healthy, I honestly don't see the harm. There should always be balance but it's a bit hard if you don't play anything at all for you to really judge whether it IS balanced.

I spend a lot of time on my laptop but what I'm doing is always changing. Listening to music while surfing FB, watching youtube vids, checking out pinterest, reading MN etc etc

Have you considered taking an interest in what he's doing and sitting with him to check out what he's up to? Would he be okay with that? You could take a book with you, or your phone or whatever and you're still spending time together, doesn't have to be outside.

My 14 year old is the same.

However I have just spent a night and a day in hospital with him as he had an operation today (we are in hospital tonight as well) and it's been really nice! Just the two of us, companionable and fairly chatty he needs me to do things like tie his shoe laces as his arm is broken. I am a bit sad that as as soon as we get home tomorrow he will disappear into his bedroom again!

I have twin DS aged 14. They are very often on x box although they have to share one which naturally limits individual time. They do do pokemon go though which gets them out and about. Does DS like that? One also likes to go play football. They will come out with family still but would be embarassed if saw friends. I often bribe them by going somewhere with ice creams/slush. Maybe worth finding something he likes to get him out the house more?

DS1 has been calling me mum for 2 years now - he is 5

Nice to hear what I have got to look forward to with two DSs in the house!! I'll add it to the list, along with 'massive appetite' and 'smelly feet'

I was a very family-orientated teen, back in the 70s, when technological distraction was at a minimum, my family didn't have a telly. Even so, I remember my enthusiasm for lovely walks with my parents being low, to say the least.

What worked for us was a compromises: knowing that sometimes I did have to come out without moaning- for instance, if there was a special outing planned, but that at other times I would be left to mope around with my books. Give and take is the way to go with this age imo.

Sykadelic, haha, yes I have sat down with DS to get him to teach me a first person shooter game.

It was difficult and I got dizzy, but I understand it more now (also, he always does it with mates as a team, each from their own house), it is how they bond.

Got no problem with that!

But we are still all going for a long dog walk in an hour, as everybody needs daily exercise, fresh air (god I sound Old-fashioned), and regular breaks from gaming.

It's all about balance.

To add: as we do the dog walk daily, at weekends and holidays, the kids (11, 14) accept it. They almost do it on autopilot.

The dog keeps the family together, and exercised, in a way. We all loooooove her!

Pokemon go has had my ds begging to be taken on canal walks etc. It's been a godsend. Last year he reacted to walks with, us exactly as your ds has. It was almost as if we were torturing him.

I find he's out and about with his mates in good weather but in winter he's exactly the same as your ds. It's a bit harder for your ds if his mates live a distance away. Would he be up for more sleepovers, or can you get into Pokemon go with him today?

Hey, OP - been wondering if you managed to get him out and about today (lovely day here). I'm another of the few posters here who DO think you should try to get him engaged in something, not leave him to fester in his room.

I have a 14 year old DS and realise that it's give and take, but I also don't think it's needy and sad to want your son to engage with the family. And I also don't think that they should always have a choice in the matter. I can't bring myself to shrug my shoulders and 'let' my DS slob around for six weeks when there is a whole world out there. It's a strain to get him out of the house, but he's usually fine once he's there (I have to allow 2 hours between him getting up and us getting out).

I went round to a friend's house yesterday and her son (same age) was still in bed (asleep) at 3pm, and this had been quite a pattern through the holidays. Her attititude was easy-going 'what can you do at this age'-type-of-thing. My attitude was . Am I alone??

No Kit, you're not. Presumably he's in his room paying games online into the small hours. What a waste of a childhood.

My eldest brother has a 16 year old ds who lives with him, he said he barely sees anything of him. He will say come on son sit with us and watch tv but no he would rather sit in his room. Mine are 9 and 7 and if i let them would rather play x box than do anything.