Difficult question regarding DS aged 14

[AndieNZ]

Anyone else finding this age a nightmare?
Basically DS is 14 and can be quite lazy. He likes to slob around at the weekends/school holidays and would spend hours on either Xbox or watching complete crap on YouTube. He has a cant be bothered attitude.
I am alone this bank holiday weekend as DH is working. So there is just me, DS and our dog. We are normally quite an active family and enjoy long dog walks or family days out on the bank holiday but with DH working, it's left up to me to decide what we do. I would normally have lots of things planned well pencilled in as things can change due to weather etc but due to money being a little tight at the moment, I have just decided to go with the flow and see what the weather brings and decide what we feel like doing.
I'm having a battle with DS today as the weather is gorgeous but he refuses to do anything with me! He refuses to do anything outside at all! All he wants to do is stay in and play on Xbox. Last Saturday, the weather was pouring down and I asked him what shall we do today and he said he didn't want to go out, he just wanted a PJ day, and that's what we did as the weather was so rotten. But when the weather is so nice, it just goes against the grain to stay in playing on an Xbox. I've tried to compromise and suggest part of the day he can do what he wants but the other part we go out for a canal walk with our dog, suggested lunch out (normally at that suggestion, eyes are lit up and he's out of the door) and tried to be breezy and jolly about it all.. But no. So I asked him what he wanted to do. All he has suggested is that we go out in the car and park up and look around the shops. This is something we did two days ago as we went out on a town centre shopping trip buying new school shoes and stationery etc. I've calmly sat down and tried to explain things to him but he's off like a firework slamming doors etc. We have now mutually in the heat of a row agreed that we shall do our own things today separately.

He also appears to be going through a period where he doesn't seem to have many friends on the scene at the moment. During the school holidays is a little hard as his school is a fair distance away and his schoolfriends live in the next town. There aren't many kids who live on our street his age that he has anything in common with. If he was refusing to spend time out with me due to having plans with other kids then I would back down and appreciate that. But as a parent I am struggling with this.
A thought struck me that at 14 is he at that age where I should I let him decide how he spends his time even though he is glued to either a computer or TV screen? Or do I drag him out with me?

Well he suggested & you said no!

He's also saying no to your suggestions!

Would a shorter dog walk be a compromise so that he is at least getting out?

Would he take the dog out alone?

My 14 year old DS is a nightmare! He is awful! You have my sympathys lol

Perfectly normal behaviour though a bit unpleasant to deal with.
My ds is 19 and appears to be coming out the other end of the constant Xbox/lap top. He organised a day out with his aunt for today. Normally he would still be in bed at this time on a Saturday. She was quite chuffed with the request! she's much cooler than me too
Leave him be. Nagging and pushing them at that age doesn't do much good. Tell him you are off out to walk the dog and could he please (insert household task) by the time you get back.

Normal teenager unfortunately. I've two like that.

Very normal. Mine is 15 and exactly the same. Never wants to do anything with me. Lunch or shopping or cinema with mum is far too embarrassing!

We need a shopping trip this week for school stuff and it will be park, go to relevant shops, choose, pay and home in as short a time as possible! I will get a complete eye roll look if I even dare to suggest nipping in to a shop to get something for me let alone lunch or coffee.

He occasionally wanders through to talk to me briefly. Usually about football. Or looking for food.

Argh OP I hear you

My 14 yr old loves hanging out with mates, some live way out of catchment so I am a good mummy and invite friends over for sleepovers, which means ge gets invited back to others as well (more driving for me), we also make deals.

For example: I want to go to a festival with DS2. DS1 (14) does not want to come. I say that is fine but he'll have to walk the dog then. Seems fair to him.

I also still follow the toddler rule of "Telling, not asking", so dome days I will just say: we are all walking the dog at 10, lunch in the pub together, then in the afternoon everyone can do what they like".

The tell-don't-ask rule has served me well ... Despite it being quite old fashioned parenting!

This was my 14 year old DS until Pokemon Go was released in July. We have had loads of fun this holiday to hatch eggs, visiting various places to get different Pokemon and taking gyms. I have the ace card of having a car so if he wants loads of Pokemon stuff, he needs a driver .
It helps that his DF, older DBs and I all play and enjoy it. I asked him last week if he minded being seen out with me and he said he didn't give a damn because we'd had a good laugh this holiday.
Our relationship hasn't been this good for years.

Have a 14-year-old DS and totally recognise the behaviour you'd describe.

Things we would have done together couple of years ago - trip to nearby nice town, lunch out - he only wants to do under his own steam with his friends (but can I give him a lift to the station so he doesn't have to wait for the bus).

I told him we are planning a weekend in London at the end of the holidays & he was appalled at the idea of spending it with his parents rather than his friends.

It gets worse 😂

Well you did ask but then ignore his choice!
I would take BabyGanoush's stance, if things need to be done then they're non-negotiable.

The other thing is refusing to commit to anything in case something 'better' comes along. I've now cracked down on this - I'll take everyone to the theatre or similar a couple of times a year and I consult them in advance about their availability and what they would like to see, and in return they have to keep that evening free. It's always worth it in the end but it can feel like very hard work.

Sounds very familiar. DS is now 16 and has become a wonderful, entertaining human being. He is really good company.

Unfortunately previously wonderful DD is just 13 and is starting to get grumpy. She can't bear the way I eat, breathe.....

Yes agree with everyone, this is normal. My life has become a whole lot easier since I stopped worrying about it and forcing DS to do stuff with me. Now he has a choice he often surprises me, and actually wants to come, albeit very occasionally! The only thing we insist on is coming with us when we eat out. He's very happy to do this of course because of his voracious teen appetite.

14 y/o dd and no differences here. I don't think there's anything wrong with insisting on a certain amount of exercise / outdoors time though. They're growing up but still young enough to need a certain amount of 'I'm parent and you do what I say for your health's sake, sorry if you don't like it but tough'.
Rule here, (following govt guidelines basically) is at least an hour outdoors / exercise every day. A bit flexible if the weather is truly dire - and I'm happy to accept Pokemoning as counting since dd has sports sessions on three days during the week over the holidays.

I think it's probably easier if you have a sociable teen - dd really isn't, basically she wants to hide in her room and not talk to anyone all holidays to make up for enforced human contact in school term!

My own ds is only 4 so i have this to look forward to but I know that all my nieces and nephews were the same at this age. Then around 17 they started to slowly improve and become more outgoing. The ones that are now young adults are absolutely lovely. So I think this is normal.
Your post does read a little bit as if you are lonely and want somebody to do things with. Since he's now old enough to be left I would say make the most of your freedom. Maybe join a group or go and do some things that you've always wanted to do?

My almost 14 yr old ds is exactly the same. I have to force him to sit in the garden on a sunny day because I am so worried about him lacking vitamin D !! He spends hours on the PS4 or on his kindle. He has barely been out the whole summer holidays except for the odd hour to play football and one day trip to the seaside with a friend. He has had other oppornities to go out but turns them down saying he is too tired ( he sleeps in til 1pm each day). He comes down for meals but finishes quickly then leaves the room. He barely speaks to me but does speak more to dh. I'm not sure it's normal but I'm hoping it is just a phase. I have 17 and 15 year old ds's too and neither of them were this bad but they are all very different. My 15 yr old is always out with friends/ parties/ at the gym etc.

Well this is depressing reading. It's it really normal? What fun we have to look forward to in a decade or so from now

Please tell me some of your teens do physically get together and get up to mischief etc on the summer holidays?

All these kids will have identical memories of their younger years (ie "remember when we sat in that chat room/played such and such game that time?") if we're not careful!

As opposed to 'remember when I was dragged out to walk by a canal?'

Normal teen behaviour. As long as he's doing his chores and his fair share of dog walking, I'd leave him be.

The only thing my almost 14 yr old ds does with us is watch Eastenders and the occasional film.

I find the magic word "Nandos" encourages them to willingly leave the house in a parent's company

Ds2 had Vit D deficiency last year, around November (I was mortified). He now goes out more often. He was doing Pokemon Go - walking 5km a day. But that was short lived.

He now sits out in the garden and watches YouTube (which I suppose is marginally better), as he has realised how essential it is for good health to look after yourself. He genuinely felt really unwell.

He will go out with me occasionally. Maybe once a week. Things are what they are. They're growing up, becoming independent etc. he does sit and eat tea with us every day though, which is good.

I think at this age definitely leave him to do what he wants. At this age I think it's important teenagers learn about boundaries and the like. I think if parents are too demanding, it can lead to weak boundaries and the child in later life may think it's OK to let other people dominate, which may lead to their being trampled on by other people iyswim. In time, I'm sure he'll genuinely want to spend time with you of his own volition.
Also, from experience, don't worry about the friendship issue too much. It'll all come out in the wash.

Congratulations OP, you have raised a perfectly normal child.

If he wanted to spend all his time with you, then that would be a worry.