Difficult question regarding DS aged 14

[AndieNZ]

Anyone else finding this age a nightmare?
Basically DS is 14 and can be quite lazy. He likes to slob around at the weekends/school holidays and would spend hours on either Xbox or watching complete crap on YouTube. He has a cant be bothered attitude.
I am alone this bank holiday weekend as DH is working. So there is just me, DS and our dog. We are normally quite an active family and enjoy long dog walks or family days out on the bank holiday but with DH working, it's left up to me to decide what we do. I would normally have lots of things planned well pencilled in as things can change due to weather etc but due to money being a little tight at the moment, I have just decided to go with the flow and see what the weather brings and decide what we feel like doing.
I'm having a battle with DS today as the weather is gorgeous but he refuses to do anything with me! He refuses to do anything outside at all! All he wants to do is stay in and play on Xbox. Last Saturday, the weather was pouring down and I asked him what shall we do today and he said he didn't want to go out, he just wanted a PJ day, and that's what we did as the weather was so rotten. But when the weather is so nice, it just goes against the grain to stay in playing on an Xbox. I've tried to compromise and suggest part of the day he can do what he wants but the other part we go out for a canal walk with our dog, suggested lunch out (normally at that suggestion, eyes are lit up and he's out of the door) and tried to be breezy and jolly about it all.. But no. So I asked him what he wanted to do. All he has suggested is that we go out in the car and park up and look around the shops. This is something we did two days ago as we went out on a town centre shopping trip buying new school shoes and stationery etc. I've calmly sat down and tried to explain things to him but he's off like a firework slamming doors etc. We have now mutually in the heat of a row agreed that we shall do our own things today separately.

He also appears to be going through a period where he doesn't seem to have many friends on the scene at the moment. During the school holidays is a little hard as his school is a fair distance away and his schoolfriends live in the next town. There aren't many kids who live on our street his age that he has anything in common with. If he was refusing to spend time out with me due to having plans with other kids then I would back down and appreciate that. But as a parent I am struggling with this.
A thought struck me that at 14 is he at that age where I should I let him decide how he spends his time even though he is glued to either a computer or TV screen? Or do I drag him out with me?

Sadly it's normal. I have a 15 & 13 year old and they have spent most of the summer upstairs Playing games. The days I am at work I have to make lunch & make threats if they don't eat it as some days they won't even bother to eat, dress, wash or anything else. It drives me crazy, when I was their age I was never home. Technology has a lot to answer for!!

Given the choice between "play Xbox" and "go for a canal walk with mum" no teenage boy on earth is going to opt for the latter.

My 12 yr old dd is exactly like this...don't take it personally it's just a growing up thing. I was exactly the same (mega drive & the John peel for me tho) and I turned out OK...

At that age parents are just not cool pets to have.

Perhaps he might walk the dog on his own, or run an errand for you in town, just not in your company.

It isn't nice, but it is normal and you have another two or three years of it yet. Pick your battles. They do become human beings again eventually.

I have twin DS's who are 14 & exactly the same. We have just come back from a 2 week family holiday where we had to have a mixture of just hanging round the cottage chilling & going out. They'd have happily done the former for 2 weeks & grudgingly came out with us. I wonder what the actual point of teenage boys is.
I have a 16 year old daughter who is/was not like that.

I came on here to tell you that you have a completely normal 14yo ds so don't worry but I see everyone else has beaten me to it!

Oh, and don't go thinking this will be a short lived thing either - ds2 20 is still very much a sit in his room and play/ watch tv/xbox although is willing to emerge for a trip to the pub with dh or the offer of a meal out . He has a new gf who seems to be dragging him outside a lot more now. Thankfully ds3 (17) is a lot more active.

When the ds's were mid teens the only way they'd come out with me and/or dh was the offer of going to the cinema, occasionally theatre and food!

Same as everyone else, its normal at that age. Leave him at home and go out for a walk with your dog, why do you even want to drag a sullen teenager around with you?

I spent the entire summer I was 14 inside on the computer writing a vampire novel. It's his downtime so he's entitled to sit on the Xbox if he wants.
Also, being outside in August is overrated. The humidity here is headache-inducing.

My 14 year old son and 15 year old daughter are the same. I can my daughter out to Tesco or home bargains to look at notebooks and pens but that's out it. It's hard as I have a 10 year old and 11 year old and what to do things with them and feel guilty leaving the other 2 home.

Thanks for all the replies.

I know the canal walk sounded very unappealing but at the end of the canal there is a lovely pub that we always visit that does lovely chips. Normally that, coupled with a J20 or two, is music to his ears but I suppose I just need to accept that he is changing.
It is sad that technology has a lot to answer for. If I came across as needy and lonely... I am neither and do have my own interests and friends but I do enjoy spending time with him and previously him with me and I do find it hard to accept that he would rather spend time indoors with the curtains shut playing on his Xbox than out in the sunshine. Coupled with the fact it is a bank holiday and I suppose psychologically, you try and make it just that little bit more special.

I'm glad that he doesn't seem to be the only one though!

I don't think it's just technology.

As a teen I could happily have spent a day in my room reading/listening to music.

He's probably gaming online with his mates, why trudge around town when you catch up from the comfort of your own home? The days of loitering around town (which people complained about) are long gone now.

It's shit, but it's not 1985 anymore.

That sounds just like my ds when he was 14

If you are happy he is not getting into any scrapes online, leave him be

Yep got one here too.

Fuck sake ....you sound incredably needy....have you not got a life of yr own..poor lad...I'm assuming this is a piss take

Yep, sounds par for the course for both DS (a couple of yrs ago) and DD now. The driving to shops etc thing is often a good way to have a chat without any pressure. If it's any comfort DS now at the other side of this stage and is now more helpful around the house and ready to join in family stuff. The transition can be tough at times but it helps to think of it as a step in their independence and carving out space/time for themselves. Best of luck to you and DS - all will be well.

I'm in the exact same boat, out ds is 14 too and frequently doesn't get dressed until dh gets home from work. He is a very good student so I've given him Lots of leeway. We're in the States so he isn't back to school until September.

I insist on him brushing his teeth, showering at least every other day, getting up by 10:30 am, going to bed around 11:00 pm, keeping his room live able, unloading the dishwasher, not being on screens more than 2-3 hours at a time. But I work part time so that one might not come to pass.

High school is starting soon and he has two novels he has to read by then but he's a fast reader so he should be able to finish them no problem. He also takes out the garbage and mows the lawn. Very very lenient. I'd love to do our day trips as well, I have the time as I'm part time but he's not interested any more either. I just go with the flow and am happy I crammed all that in when I did. Hope that helps!

Crappy for you, but it's normal

Last night I caught out our 14 yo still playing computer games at 1.45am (on his own). "I was bored Mummy". Well go to sleep FFS.

He still calls you mummy ?

yes.

he also has a very uncomplimentary nickname he uses which would totally out me if I put it on here.

He uses "mummy" in an ironic way then ?

No.

Er, going against the tide here, I do drag my just 15yo DS out with me. Yes, he is bribed with food often, and it's not all day every day, but it's mostly inertia that stops him getting out, so I adopt the "tell, don't ask" approach described by a pp.