To stop throwing the balls back over the fence?

[Danielsss]

Those bloody balls. The kids next door constantly play ball games, the balls always go over our fence! We would always get a knock on the door, every 2 minutes. I ended up saying if just throw it back over, it's still as frequent!!! How do I stop this?

Happy to oblige. I know I am right.

I really can't understand the bristling suspicion of other people that is so evident on this thread. It can't be healthy.

It has to be said that I am friendly with my neighbours and always have been, wherever I have lived. That does not mean I want them tramping in and out of my garden all day and night during the summer. I am not averse to giving back balls to the poor deprived child who has no other toys but I would give them short shrift indeed if I caught them climbing on my fence to come in themselves. I have good reasons for not wanting them to come in and they are perfectly valid reasons that I don't have to tell you. This does not make me mean and angry either. It just means that I do not want to pander to someone else's kid who has lousy aim. As it happens, I have once again not been in my back garden today and therefore don't know if the is a ball over the fence. I suspect not, as schools are back and the children are once more being subjected to the drudgery of homework. I don't think this means that I am being unreasonable in not checking for a ball. If I find one next time I am out, I will throw it back. I always do - when it suits me. Do you give your children whatever they want the moment they want it? Or do they sometimes have to wait because you are actually busy? The same principal applies here and you are clearly being utterly unreasonable to have been suggesting all these outlandish ideas. The U.K. Is not the US and things are different here. I could start. Whole other thread about gun controls...

I have a great relationship with my neighbours, we look after each other's pets, take in parcels, hand on grown out of clothes and toys, including a £300 trampoline. I've babysat, neighbours have kept an eye out on my now teens. My kids would go there in case of an emergency. We've helped each other out in many many ways.

I still don't want the children trespassing without asking, I don't want them ringing the bell every 5 minutes. I have a system that allows them a couple of chances to be polite and collect their ball, the rest of the system requires patience and consideration.

We don't need ladders, children flaps, nets or a free range garden access policy.

No children have been traumatised and I'm not stressed. It's really not an all or nothing situation.

The feeling that one is being used or forced to do something by someone of perceived lower status is one you choose to indulge in, Littlecandle.

It's also your choice to interpret the situation as one where people are trying to walk all over you, and your fence is all that comes between you and the tramping barbarian hordes 'all day and night'.

You choose all the negatives you can find, and you turn a simple problem that has a simple solution into one that is personally threatening to you.

You set up a confrontation in your own head where your chosen course is 'I do not want to pander to someone else's kid who has lousy aim'.

Your choice of a 'solution' is therefore to punish and to be passive aggressive.

The alternatives are not outlandish, just realistic, reasonable and rational scenarios that you have some sort of a mental block about.

You create your own environment. It starts in your head.

Actually Math, your posts come across as extremely snobbish, judgemental and frankly bordering on bigoted.

You refuse to accept that there are people who don't live the obviously extremely, massively, privileged life you live - people who don't live in extremely privileged areas where crime does not exist, and there are plentiful creative arts opportunities for everyone, and women don't need to work.

Your hatred of poor people is pretty shocking.

Perhaps you should visit a housing estate or an inner city slum sometime, and tell the people barely struggling to get by how they are bad people for not spending every waking moment baking cakes for neighbours and organising art fairs?

I don't mind the neighbour's children coming in to fetch a ball, but that's only because we have a shared walkway and its just easier for them to run through instead of sheepishly knocking on my door. If I had a fenced garden, I'd want them to knock though. I don't want any impalements. No sireee.

This thread brings back memories of when I was a child, playing football with my DBro. One of us would occasionally have to retrieve a lost ball, and we used to argue over who'd be the one to go and ask for it back.
"Go and get it"
"No! You do it!"
"I'll tell Mum!"
"Oh for god's sake.."
"You just swore!! Right that's it...Muuuuuuum!!"

Oh, and you STILL refuse to offer a single practical suggestion for someone who is forced to work long hours in order to pay their rent and doesn't have an accessible garden.

Indeed I do create my own environment. My garden is part of it. I rather think you are talking about yourself in a good deal of this post and ascribing it to me. It is a shame that you can only see your own point of view and no other. You do appear, from your own admission, to live in some sort of utopia, with almost non existent crime. We live in a safe area, too and are fortunate to do so, but I don't kid myself that everyone is as fortunate. I am still going to keep my garden as my private property and continue to 'punish' the child who keeps kicking the ball into my garden. I cannot afford to give up work to be solely at their beck and call. Or maybe I should hire someone to sit in the garden just to throw the balls back? Perhaps you would like to apply for the post. I'm afraid the salary would be well below national minimum wage though.

There's plenty of grafitti, public urination, vandalism, and crime where I live (in the inner city) -- you're welcome to come visit anytime, maybe we could house swap?

I have offered it several times, littleprincesssara.
A ladder would do the trick. One on your side and one on the other side if necessary. Problem solved.

I don't live in a utopia with almost non existent crime. I live in an average American neighbourhood with almost non-existent crime. It seems you resent the life my neighbours and I work to create, Littleprincesssara? I work hard to afford the place where I live. So do my neighbours. We appreciate the nice old trees and the public facilities and the good public transport and we do our utmost to make the community a welcoming and neighbourly place. It is inclusive and very well integrated in every sense. We all appreciate how diverse the place is, and what a nice place it is to bring up children. The community works because people make an effort not to indulge whatever learned and harmful prejudices they may hold and because people who might tend to be marginalised in the UK are very much a valued part of life here. I am speaking about teenagers.

there is no need to be insulting and aggressive towards people who wish to peacefully enjoy their gardens without having balls coming over the fence.
It is unrealistic and actually ridiculous to expect to live your life in an average neighbourhood without having balls coming over the fence.

And just to remind you, the OP wasn't interested in a Quixotic campaign against the balls coming over. She just wondered how she would prevent the knocking on her door by children asking for their ball back. She seems to accept that the ball is going to enter her garden occasionally.

As a 'solution' you offer, 'Tell them to stop knocking and that you'll get the ball if you feel like it'.

It is just plain nasty to punish children essentially for being children by making them wait until you are good and ready to throw their balls back for them, and to refuse to let them climb in to retrieve the balls themselves, all in the spirit of "just because I can", a totally in your face reminder to children that they are powerless, lesser beings and that things that are important to them are way down your list of priorities.

Or in the spirit of "Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes; He only does it to annoy, Because he knows it teases". Substitute 'kicks the ball over the fence' for sneezing.

If that sort of behaviour gives any of you a sense of satisfaction, I am truly sorry for you.

And incidentally, you can quite easily attach wooden slats or trellises or other weight bearing items to concrete.

Littlecandle:
Do you give your children whatever they want the moment they want it? Or do they sometimes have to wait because you are actually busy?
At an age appropriate level my DCs all learned to wait until I was ready before they could get or do what they wanted to get, or do.
If I said, 'I'll get you your paints and brushes and paper in ten minutes when I have finished cleaning the bathroom,' they would wait and I would do as I promised.

If I said, 'I'll get them whenever I am ready if I feel like it at that point,' they would be rightly upset, resentful, and feeling small and scorned.

If one day I decided to show them how to get their own paints and brushes and how to set up the whole kit and caboodle on the kitchen table with a jam jar of water and a paper towel to wipe the brushes with, and to find and put on their old T-shirts that are kept in the kitchen drawer along with my apron, they could get their own painting stuff for themselves and I could finish up cleaning the bathroom in my own sweet time and everyone would be happy.

See how that works?

There are so many ways to skin the average cat, aren't there? A little thinking outside the box goes a long, long way.

Math, I have asked you repeatedly for a practical solution. Inviting small children to climb a 10ft ladder standing on a concrete surface is not a practical solution, it's extremely dangerous and potentially fatal. I am surprised someone who puts such a premium on children's happiness as to feel a child must never wait even a few hours to retrieve a lost ball, would insist on putting a child in a life-threatening situation.

" It seems you resent the life my neighbours and I work to create, Littleprincesssara? I work hard to afford the place where I live."

Congrats on having piles of money and all, but no.
I'm extremely happy living my lifelong dream of being an award-winning filmmaker
living in the middle of one of the major World Cities. I don't resent your wealthy priviledged suburban life, crime-free as it is. It sounds small-minded and bigoted. I prefer to live in a place where poor people and those with problems or who are different are not despised.

And I have given you one. Unfortunately your definition of 'practical solution' includes a quotient of one upmanship against a child, and I can't oblige there.

Where did I say I have piles of money?
I said the place I live in is inclusive, well integrated in every sense, and virtually crime free, and it is 99% graffiti free.

Does that signify 'neighbourhood of very rich people' to you?

If so, think again. It's a lovely place to live because of people's attitudes and because people put themselves out to make it a pleasant place, and not because of money. You don't need money to be classy.

LOL at your judgement. The place where I live was one of the first municipalities in the US to become racially integrated and to stay integrated, and not turn from all white to all African American. Years before gay marriage became a political topic it offered gay citizens the chance to register de facto marriages at the city hall, in a symbolic way, just to offer support for the idea of gay marriage. About one third of children qualify for free or reduced price lunch in the local schools.

Did I mention the overnight homeless shelters hosted in three area churches that are staffed and supplied by local volunteers? The Saturday and Sunday lunch programmes for homeless people? The number of people who give up their time daily to coach kids for various sports in volunteer organisations? The homework and mentoring clubs that exist so that kids whose families can't afford expensive out of school private tutoring can find help and encouragement if they need it? The older people who club together and go out and pick up litter from the parks and around the train stations once a month? The parenting support group set up for teen parents and their babies and young children, with donated baby equipment and clothes available if needed, along with donations of all sorts of sundries like coupons for admission to nice baby and toddler activities - the likes of free parking passes and admission to the zoo that is a few miles away, and admission to the big aquarium in the city, etc.. The hundreds of volunteers who show up annually for the big library book sale, the proceeds of which help provide early childhood activities and teen resources free in the library. The food bank stocked with local donations all available for local people if they need it, with no referral needed as is the case in the UK. I can see some of you cynics believing that there are unscrupulous people all over the place rocking up and taking what is not really meant for them...

STOP LYING!!

Your "solution" is illegal and likely fatal. Period. Nothing to do with some deranged fanfiction you've invented out of thin air that runs contrary to the facts.

Yes, your neighbourhood does sound like a wealthy utopia. Each added detail (like the dozen examples of the oodles of spare time and money your neighbours have) just make it sound more and more priviledged. You're sheltered if you believe most people live like that. They don't.

The definition of priviledge is not being aware of how fortunate you are compared with the rest of the world.

Meanwhile I have drunks vomiting and pissing on our front garden nightly and stabbings are a regular occurrence. Welcome to the real world.

And please, for once try to stick to the facts - the facts being that many people live in high crime areas - and stop accusing anyone less privileged than yourself of being "jus jelus."

This is getting more and more bizarre.

Of course no sensible person is going to put up ladders over secure fences to invite neighbouring children, burglars, stalkers, peepers, foxes, dogs, cats or aliens from Mars into their gardens.

Insurance companies would void the contract.

No child needs to be weeping and gnashing its teeth at the loss of a ball for a few hours until the neighbour gets home/finishes what they are doing or a few weeks until the neighbour gets back from holiday.

Shops sell balls very cheaply. Most children have more than one. And there are other games that children can play in the garden.

Utterly weird.

...and meanwhile teenagers from middle class utopia in the US take guns and massacre their classmates with ludicrous regulatory. I guess maybe getting what you want all the time at the time you want it isn't always a good thing.

Quite so, wankers.

Accusations of jealousy are hilarious, frankly. I would hate to live in the USA, I prefer a country where cops don't habitually carry guns and shoot innocent citizens.

I didn't suggest an 'urban utopia'.

It may seem to be an urban utopia from your vantage point, in your barricaded world where bunny boiling incidents from the 1960s apparently still inform attitudes, and people think getting to know their neighbours and the children who live near them is a silly idea.
Are there really that many stalkers out there? Burglars are two a penny? Ever hear of confirmation bias?

It's really tempting to think ill of people you don't actually know, to suspect them all of evil intent, to indulge your fears. I highly recommend getting to know people who live near you. It makes life far more pleasant, less stressful. Or else to lay off the Daily Mail and papers like that, which focus relentlessly on aggravation and increase the sense of powerlessness that is such a scourge of British society and such a hugely (and negatively) significant element of the British mindset.

MoreCoffeeNow, I would like to add to your list of wildlife - raccoons, opossums, the odd coyote that trots in from wilder parts following the railroad or the river, and hawks, as well as cats and foxes. We also have squirrels and legions of wild rabbits (hence the hawks and to some extent the coyotes). No snakes around here though, or at least none that I have ever seen. Nobody from Mars either.

Believe it or not Francis, we have insurance over here too.
I don't understand how you come up with the word 'punitive' to describe all my solutions to the problem of children knocking at a door to ask for a ball back. You are taking resentment and rejection of reality to extreme levels by insisting there is no practical solution that offers a win-win here that is within the realms of possibility. What you really want is to give a child his or her comeuppance.

FWIW, damage to fences (and gates and hedges) is commonly excluded from insurance policies. You might like to check yours.

Here's my reply to Littlecandle on the topic of children and waiting:
Littlecandle: "Do you give your children whatever they want the moment they want it? Or do they sometimes have to wait because you are actually busy?"
^At an age appropriate level my DCs all learned to wait until I was ready before they could get or do what they wanted to get, or do.
If I said, 'I'll get you your paints and brushes and paper in ten minutes when I have finished cleaning the bathroom,' they would wait and I would do as I promised.^

If I said, 'I'll get them whenever I am ready if I feel like it at that point,' they would be rightly upset, resentful, and feeling small and scorned.

If one day I decided to show them how to get their own paints and brushes and how to set up the whole kit and caboodle on the kitchen table with a jam jar of water and a paper towel to wipe the brushes with, and to find and put on their old T-shirts that are kept in the kitchen drawer along with my apron, they could get their own painting stuff for themselves and I could finish up cleaning the bathroom in my own sweet time and everyone would be happy.

See how that works?

Littleprincesssara, you apparently have so little experience of places other than your own narrow world that you think others are lying when they describe their environments to you. You apparently cannot conceive of a world where a Puerto Rican post office employee spends four evenings a week coaching T-ball from April to July for ten years running or where an Irish immigrant who works as an auto mechanic runs a municipal baseball and softball organisation on a voluntary basis, with volunteer office staff and a fleet of volunteer coaches, or where local businesses are proud to sponsor teams for that organisation, sponsorship that pays for the teams' uniforms and pays a stipend to teens to referee games. 500 people out of 55,000+ donating two food items each makes for a decent week at the food bank. I am truly sorry that you cannot believe such people and such generosity of spirit exist and that you think this must be an extraordinary or wealthy place, to the point that you capslock at someone to stop lying.

When I asked you to stop lying I meant stop telling lies about me and things I have not said and don't think. Stop writing fanfiction based on thin air.

I have no doubt your neighbourhood exists and is exactly how you describe it. But you live in a very priviledged area. You come across as very naive and sheltered if you think everyone lives in neighbourhoods like yours.

You seem to be suggesting that crime is purely a figment of our imaginations, which is bizarre. I have drunks (who vomit, piss and vandalise) right outside several times a week, that is plain simple fact. Nothing to do with me or my attitudes. Ditto the crime statistics released by the London Metropolitan Police.

Not sure what any of this has to do with being evil for telling children they have to wait till their neighbour gets home from work in the evening to get a ball back. But for the 136388th time: please suggest a LEGAL NONDANGEROUS solution.