To think you don't need to visit someones home to be 'making an effort' on the friendship?

[MaddyHatter]

Interesting discussion with DH today, and a little disagreement.

He text me at lunch time to say he might go and see a friend of ours this evening. She is someone we're both close friends with who we spend quite a bit of time with, either in the pub or she'll come around here for an evening (involving us cooking, picking her up and dropping her off)

The conversation went back and fore a little and then he said

"i got to thinking if we don't make more of an effort with people, then why would they bother seeing us"

i replied "i agree but how much effort has she made for us lately?"

and he said "When was the last time we went to her house?"

and there the discussion turned into a disagreement.

As i said when she comes here, we invite her, we cook, we pick her up, often help her run a couple of errands as she always wants to go to the shop, we feed her, entertain her and then take her back home.

On her part, she invites us to the pub and we go join her for a drink there.

DH seems to feel that because we don't go over to her house, and she always comes here, that she is making all the effort.

I disagree, because if we didn't invite her or pick her up, she wouldn't come, so by extending that invitation to her and feeding and acting as taxi, we're doing more than enough 'making an effort'

Who is right?

You are. We hosted and went to a party at the weekend. The hosting day was waaaay more effort.

Well it sounds like it doesn't matter who's right because there's a solution that suits both of you: you seem to find having her over a lot of effort, so it would be easier just to go to her house. That is exactly what he wants to do. Just agree to do that and have an easy win?

You're right. It sounds a right pain. Has she ever invited you to her house?

You are right. Is this an elderly relative/friend who doesn't drive?

If she doesn´t invite you to her house, there really isn´t anything to argue about...

She hasn't invited you to her house, opting for the easier pub option. Yet your DH thinks she makes more effort than you do? Is he soft on her or something?!

It sounds a !little odd to me if he is going on his own to see this mutual friend who ygou normally see together and not at her house.

She lives with her parents, who we are also friends with, so we do go over occasionally for a cuppa and a chat, but she prefers to do her socialising out and about rather than at home.

Its easier for me to invite her here (dh does the taxi-ing) as DS is disabled and its hard to get babysitters, so i invite people over then i can have a giggle without needing sitters!

It wasn't necessarily just about her, it was the disagreement about visiting someone's house being the 'making the effort' rather than inviting them here.

Plymouth, we see her separately all the time.. often the pub nights involve us doing a tag-team' where i will go out until about 10.30pm, and come home then DH will go out.

We very rarely get to go out as a couple.

You are making the effort. Although it sounds like everyone is happy so perhaps no need to worry.

I'd say you are making the effort to host and she is making the effort to go out and see you.

Given she lives at home it not surprising she doesn't invite people over. She probably wouldn't mind if you suggested the pub either.

Thinking about it, I tend to go out, but then I don't have much of a social life anyway and I don't get invited over much either. My issue is some of my friends can get LOUD and I know they would wake the DCs and wouldn't curb it if I said they needed to keep it down so I don't do nights in. If there is a group night out then they will actively tell me in order to get me to organise it so I don't feel bad about not inviting people to my house. Plus I like the freedom of being able to end the night when I want to leave, if people are here I can't do that and if I hit that wall, I've had enough straight away and that's it.

She lives with her parents
Perhaps she feels awkward inviting you around there as much as you would like or perhaps she just doesn't wants more time away from them??

If she had her own home and wanted to socialise in it then he would have a point but as it stands she prefers to be out of the home anyway so I don't get what point he is trying to make.

Tbh she sounds a lot like me, I have a couple of people who come round and I don't mind but in general I much prefer to meet out for a coffee and a walk or lunch or dinner etc. it feels like less pressure and when one of us wants to go were not "stuck" with them in our house. I do visit other people's houses but not often. We all tend to meet so where in the middle.

An that makes more sense then and no longer odd.