Just caught husband watching p***

[Toofattorun]

...on the toilet on his iPhone. He panicked and tried his best to get rid of it before I saw but it was too late. Then he completely denied it. I'm so angry with him as he never comes near me yet always disappears off for a half hour 'shit'. I told him not to talk to me. How should I proceed with this? I cant believe he denied it to my face.

the whole mumsnet demonisation of anything erotic drives me bananas

Plus persecution of thought crime

OF COURSE he denied it - he knew the Op would go off on one

He's had sex with her 3x in a year . That wouldn't be a problem for you no?

I don't mind a bit of porn now and again. DH and I have watchd it together - but we get bored after a while, not much of it is well made. I like some of the Dane Jones stuff. I watch it myself about once a month- bit of me time. DH watchs it occasionally but prefers to watch it together.

It is only a big deal if you make it a big deal. It is sad he has to hide to do it and lie about it.

Is the porn the problem - sounds to me like thete are bigger problems about being comfortable communicating needs and feelings - both ways- and about compromise.

Funny in all my years on mumsnet I wouldn't say posters demonise either poem or wanking in general.

However the lack of sex and intimacy would finish a relationship for me op. How awful for you both. Is it worth saving?

Porn not poem

Some people's responses are making me really angry - why are you trying to make out the OP is some kind of prude? She just wants her DH to show sexual interest in her instead of a woman on a screen, I don't think that's unreasonable. You enjoy porn with your husband, lovely for you!

Exactly Mush She's angry and hurt that he prefers to watch porn instead of engaging with her. wouldn't be an issue if they were having regular sex/intimacy in RL.

OP you need to sit down with DH and tell him how you feel. Agree that Relate sexual counselling may help.

Please don't cry or think your weight is the issue either. This is about other issues.

I've noticed that he had subscriptions to X rated tv and still denied it.

Perhaps he watches it for the storylines and the acting?

Toofattorun I am so sorry this has happened and your DH is gaslighting you over his porn use, not having sex with you and generally not being honest or connecting with you sexually, verbally etc.

I'm gobsmacked at some of the crap replies here and people's obsession with your use of the asterisk. Who gives a f*ck if you use an asterisk, and you said why you had used them in the title too!

I don' t think all men watch porn and I think it is really sad some people seem to think they do, and think that is OK.

I am really anti-porn and find it very sad that so many women seem so happy with it. It is not going to help men have a realistic or equal view of women, at the very least!

But you must decide for yourself what is OK, what is acceptable and talk to your dh. The fact he is denying it, well that is such a shame because how can you move past this if he won't even admit to what is going on.

I've no real advice for you, just wanted to say I know why you are so upset and angry and you have every right to be so.

To move forward I think you and your dh will need to speak about this openly, would he consider some marriage counselling to address the sex life and lying issues?

Please do not worry about your weight or project your own worries about that onto the situation. If you make a feature of this he may grab onto it and say, 'yes, that's the issues etc' where it may well not be anything to do with it.

It might even be, if he prefers wanking to images on his phone to actually encountering you and letting you encounter him, then it may be he has some issues with himself.

If you love him and he loves you, I really hope you can overcome these problems - but only if he is willing to engage with you.

All the best.

I'm going to go against the grain here. I really don't think he is gaslighting you. I think he's doing something he's ashamed of and is really quite embarrassed about being caught and is trying to get out of it. I'm not saying how he's dealing with it is right, just that it's not gaslighting in the true sense.

The real problem is not the porn. It's the lack of intimacy in your relationship. Instead of refusing to talk to him use it as a catalyst to start a real conversation.

toofattorun I didn't lose weight for him, more because I wasn't happy with the way that I looked and felt. He tries to support me in healthy habits and I know, because of our uncomfortable, frank discussion, exactly how he feels. Other people might say he manipulated me and you should LTB if he says he'd like you to lose weight, but I'd rather he was honest.Ultimately, we both push ourselves more and we both like each other better for being stronger, fitter, more confident and above all more interesting - we've taken on challenges together and individually that we'd never have dreamed of before.
How is the situation now?

Restless Maybe it is not gaslighting in the truest sense of the word but the affect could be the same on the OP. Plus his failure to acknowledge it means he will not discuss it.

Either he is ashamed to watch it, but still does; or his reaction is based on what he knows his wife will think. Or a bit of both. Talking will help get things on perspective.

Why should watching porn be considered OK? If someone said they were having an affair, they thought it was OK but their partner did not, is that ok? Of course not. Somr would feel watching porn is a similar betrayal. Especially coupled with his lack of desire for the OP. It sort of looks lie she has been replaced by something else.

IMHP the op's dh needs to address this issue and now is a good time. Some good could come of this 'incident' if they can use it to open up about what is going on in their marriage as a whole.

If he thinks he can make a case for why he should be able to watch prom, so be it! But there are bigger issues, his lack of response to you, his wife, physically is a huge issue I would imagine.

OP is there any sense he may want to be caught - to bring this to a head?

I mean why go into a room with no lock, or not use the lock, and why use a room you might also go into? Why do it during the day when you are in the house?

He may feel embarrassed, really badly embarrassed, why not engage in a conversation and let him talk honestly, what is he doing and not doing and why? No judgments from you (initially) just let him talk then together decide how you want proceed. Good luck.

it's not gaslighting in the true sense.

This is what I said upthread. If it was true gaslighting, he'd not only be denying it, he'd be twisting the OP's words to insinuate she's paranoid or seeing things that aren't there.

Sorry Beauty I missed have missed that.

It's okay Restless, I think it's a point that bears repeating I was pounced on a bit for pointing it out, and whilst it's not the OP's main concern in this post, I think misuse of the term 'gaslighting' can cause issues in general, especially on here.

Some of you are being real pedantic cunts to the op get a fucking drip you are supposed to be supportive? People talk and use words differently in all walks of life. You are picking on her and attempting to belittle her. Grow up

Some of these replies have really shocked me!! I mean, just because some women are OK with porn does not mean that everybody is and belittling people who are NOT okay with it is quite frankly wrong.... if you agree with it fine, but don't push your opinions on others who don't. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and should not have to feel like a prude just because they are not okay with it.... why does your opinion matter more than other peoples? Isn't everyone's opinion equal? OP, I don't know if you have an issue with porn or not as you haven't addressed that but if you do, you have every right honey and you DO NOT have to feel ashamed about that

It's perfectly OK for the op to be against porn, but at the same time it's perfectly OK for her husband to enjoy it. You don't get to police what he does in his own time but you are perfectly OK to end it because you are uncomfortable with his behaviour within your relationship. You just need to work out if it's a thing you can get by or whether it's not.

How are things OP?