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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just caught husband watching p***

95 replies

Toofattorun · 22/08/2016 14:49

...on the toilet on his iPhone. He panicked and tried his best to get rid of it before I saw but it was too late. Then he completely denied it. I'm so angry with him as he never comes near me yet always disappears off for a half hour 'shit'. I told him not to talk to me. How should I proceed with this? I cant believe he denied it to my face.

OP posts:
RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 22/08/2016 15:39

I hardly think the definition of French kissing is the point of this thread!

JustForThisTopic · 22/08/2016 15:39

You need to stop pussyfooting around. Tell him that YOU are NOT happy with your sex life, it's irrelevant that he thinks it's 'OK'. YOU DO NOT.

I wondered about your user name too and if he's as shallow as a puddle and only 'fancies' the svelte porn girls, in which case he'd better look shit hot himself...even then it's shallow, especially with your wife who has had your babies.

Toofattorun · 22/08/2016 15:42

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair It's ok please don't say sorry although I really appreciate what you wrote. I must sound ridiculous but I'm sat here crying.

It been about 50 minutes since it's happened (and since he's denied it) and has just come to talk to me. I told him that I've got nothing to say to him right now. He's had 50 minutes to concoct a story and if I start talking to him about our general sex life, he'll only bloody lie again.

OP posts:
RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 22/08/2016 15:45

Oh god, I feel awful for you. This thread hasn't been helpful at all and the thought that you're sitting there crying is so sad.

I'm crap at this sort of thing and have no practical advice whatsoever but please don't blame yourself for any of this.

gillybeanz · 22/08/2016 15:46

The big issue is that he doesn't come near you.
There is nothing wrong with porn if you have a good sex life and are close.

plutoisnotaplanet · 22/08/2016 15:48

Can I just address the "I'm a size 12 to a size 16" thing please? This absolutely and categorically has absolutely nothing to do with the way you look or the way he looks at you.

The only difference between having a wank and having sex is emotional connection. If you're not having sex that would suggest an issue with either the emotional or physical side of you relationship. Seeing as he's happy to wank and you want to have sex, that would suggest the problem is the emotional side of the relationship. This is backed up by the fact you state you don't hug or kiss passionately and the fact he feels the need to lie to you about his use of porn. It sounds to me like you've disconnected from each other :(

If he's unwilling to talk to you then there's very little chance for the relationship to improve. You need to communicate to resolve and I'd state this very very clearly to him ASAP.

There are 2 separate issues you need to address:

  1. Lack of emotional connection and intimacy
  2. Lying.

The porn use is the surface symptom of a much deeper issue here, I hope he decides an awkward conversation is better than ruining his marriage Flowers

NB: He's a complete wankbadger for lying to you.

Just5minswithDacre · 22/08/2016 15:51

I think the MASSIVE issue is that he denies things you've seen with your own eyes and he refuses to communicate with you.

It's so condescending and dismissive Sad

BastardGoDarkly · 22/08/2016 15:51

If he's lying every time you try to talk to him, then he clearly doesn't care about how unhappy you are, he should want to resolve this for the sake of your marriage.

I think you need to lay it on the line, and make him talk to you, you can't possibly go on like this. Flowers

Toofattorun · 22/08/2016 15:53

You're right.
I wish I could just disappear.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 22/08/2016 15:55

Yes I mean porn..I was just worried about having it in the title in case any kiddies were reading over their mum/dads shoulder.

Who the fuck lets their kids read MN?

Just5minswithDacre · 22/08/2016 15:56

Don't feel diminished by him.
Get angry.
He's the one behaving (extremely) badly.

You've done nothing wrong Flowers

Kione · 22/08/2016 15:59

elQuintoConyo
Not sure if you know, but I feel maybe I should tell you after you put w and p... that your user name is actually a very rude say in Spanish. Quite close to the c word.
I know this is not a Spanish site so I does'n not matter one bit but maybe you wanted to know Grin

Just5minswithDacre · 22/08/2016 16:00

S|he knows Kione

Crystaltips196 · 22/08/2016 16:08

I know you don't want to talk to him right now, but he did try come talk to you, which was a huge step for him. Talk to him now while you're upset, let him know how you feel. But watching porn is an addiction and until he can admit that to himself, you're facing the denial for a while. Work out what you want and keep telling him that, like a stuck record (showing my age) until he gets it. And both of you, be honest. Good luck x

nauticant · 22/08/2016 16:15

I was reading this thread wondering at the many picky and dismissive responses thinking "WTF?" But of course, the thread's in AIBU.

It sounds like you have more complicated issues than the nature of your DH's porn wanking OP. I'd suggest posting in the Relationships section if you need helpful support.

FXSkip · 22/08/2016 16:31

Toofattorun My DH and I faced a similar issue approximately 2 years into what is now a 10 year relationship, maybe what we went through will help you in some way. I regularly found porn stashes and stumbled across web browsing history and would say 'I don't like that you have this/watched that' repeatedly until I reached breaking point. At first he'd say it was his mates or whatever (we were young) but eventually, when it was just to two of us and there was no-one to blame he (belligerently) admitted it. We had a huge row, and I moved out. After I'd moved out, and calmed down, I re-assessed what I wanted. I could have left it at that, but I knew I still loved him so we got together and made a plan.
We no longer argue when someone is mad. We have some time apart (he might go to gym) and we reconvene when we are both calm.
I am honest. Mostly this means with myself. Its too easy to say 'you always do...' or 'you never....' but if I am really honest, those things aren't strictly true. In my case it was 'you always watch porn instead of coming to bed with me', but when I explained calmly that's how I felt, he agreed, and said it was easier to wait till I was asleep, do his thing and come to bed, than to attempt to come on to me when I clearly wasn't interested. So we'd both thought the other didn't want sex, when we both actually did! Or, more truthfully I often think I can't be bothered but then love it when we get going (tmi- sorry!)
In the end, it prompted further discussion, and he told me he was unhappy that I had gained so much weight (size 8 to a size 14) but he loved me so much he didn't want to hurt me, but did feel less aroused by me than he used to. The whole discussion brought us closer, made me realise how much more he has going on in his brain than I gave him credit for and we understand each other better. Men are very simple often in their response to a situation, so it may be a complex set of emotions that he doesn't necessarily understand all of that has led to this very primal response.
Further to our discussion, we both agreed that we did not like the porn industry and went about looking for a more ethical alternative that we could enjoy together - as it happened we never needed to.

Good luck with this conversation, but bear in mind although your feelings may be hurt, he may also be feeling ashamed, or a range of other feelings so try to remain calm and non-accusatory.

Toofattorun · 22/08/2016 18:51

FXSkip did you lose weight for him?
I think I'd be devastated if he came out with those words but deep down I know this must be a big factor.
I've never had a models body and obviously never will have. He is no fucking Tom Hardy either.

He tried to speak to me again and admitted it "I had a wank - so what?" We're his words. Then he tried telling me it was my fault..that I made him feel frisky. Well that's the biggest load of bullshit ever. He had time to think of that one. You know, to soften the blow a bit. So instead of approaching me, he went off to have a shit and a wank whilst watching porn. I am sick of the bullshit lying.

OP posts:
FullTimeYummy · 22/08/2016 21:02

People lie to stay out of trouble.

Why does he think admitting to porn will get him in trouble?

BastardGoDarkly · 22/08/2016 22:31

Probably because he knows he's wanking all the time instead of having a sexual relationship with his partner yummy what sort of name is that?

BastardGoDarkly · 22/08/2016 22:32

What did you say to him OP?

JackandDiane · 22/08/2016 22:37

ooh everyone likes a bit of porn
Some is quite nice you know

FullTimeYummy · 22/08/2016 22:37

My point being he doesn't want to admit to whatever it is the problem is.

This might be because he's a liar and a coward and pathetic and so on, or it might be because the OP is difficult to talk to, unreasonable or some else that they could work on.

JackandDiane · 22/08/2016 22:37

porn isnt instead of a sexual relationship
Its like wanking - sometimes you just want to please yourself

BastardGoDarkly · 22/08/2016 22:41

She's tried to talk to him over and over, he lies, and then refuses to discuss it further.

JackandDiane spectacularly dismissive of the op there.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/08/2016 22:41

Does anyone bother RTFT anymore? Hmm