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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just caught husband watching p***

95 replies

Toofattorun · 22/08/2016 14:49

...on the toilet on his iPhone. He panicked and tried his best to get rid of it before I saw but it was too late. Then he completely denied it. I'm so angry with him as he never comes near me yet always disappears off for a half hour 'shit'. I told him not to talk to me. How should I proceed with this? I cant believe he denied it to my face.

OP posts:
ThinkPinkStink · 22/08/2016 15:09

If this happened to me I'd side swerve the porn thing and talk about the lack of intimacy you're currently experiencing...

It's okay to admit to that you have needs and say to him that you're not as intimate as you'd like, and that you'd like to try, together, to regain that intimacy.

If he continues to deny there's an issue, when you're telling him there is one FOR YOU. Then you have a relationship issue, and need address that.

Also - walking in on 30 minute 'poos' is a bit icky... how did that come about?

GloriaHotcakes · 22/08/2016 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuffandBother · 22/08/2016 15:10

Aww OP I was a little flippant before, sorry. It sounds like you need to have a sit down and chat about what you both want, is the relationship good in all other aspects?

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 22/08/2016 15:12

If I came across my DH simultaneously having a shit and a wank I'd find it very hard to want anything to do with him let alone full blown sex.

Original poster
Toofattorun · 22/08/2016 15:13

I have my washing machine in my bathroom. He told me that he was going for a lie down upstairs and I'd finished clearing the table from lunch time time and went to put a wash on. I wasn't expecting him to be there and wasn't expecting him to be watching porn on the loo.

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 22/08/2016 15:14

We have sex about three times a year.
He does hug me but we don't kiss, not in the French sense

^^ This is your problem right here. You have to sort this out, or your relationship will most likely fail. Unless you are both happy with the lack of sex? personally I would have punched a hole in the wall by now

Pollyanna9 · 22/08/2016 15:15

StuffandBother "A shitting wanking man is a friend to no-one!".

How very very true that statement is.

mrsfuzzy · 22/08/2016 15:16

op some people are being a bit judgy towards your choice of words, i don't see why that is relevant as everyone speaks differently. would relate help, ?
he obviously feels awkward and embarrassed about this hence the denials.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/08/2016 15:16

3 times a year is rough. And no kissing etc. is too. Is the rest of your relationship close, do you talk?

I noticed your user name. Has your body changed a lot? Not saying that's the thing but wondering if your DH has issues in that area. Maybe not, I've put on pounds since DD and DH still fancies a shag...

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/08/2016 15:19

Unless he's telling you that he's not watching porn and it's all in your head or you're paranoid, then no, it's not gaslighting.

Whether you're okay with the porn habit or not, you need to make it clear that you have needs too, and they're not going to go away if he just turns a blind eye - that's the real elephant in the room here.

SWIMonBluelight · 22/08/2016 15:20

Three times a year? How often would you want it to be and have you talked it through with him?

Original poster
Toofattorun · 22/08/2016 15:21

StuffandBother Don't apologise. I know I sound like a right cunt but I'm posting on here because I genuinely don't know what to do.

I've tried talking to him but he just keeps brushing it under the carpet.
He is a lovely person but just never talks to me about things that matter.
He is a prude in that sense. I hate that he lies to me - even when I've seen it with my own eyes. It's just disrespectful to lie like that.

OP posts:
blushrush · 22/08/2016 15:22

I think your current sex life is the issue, not the porn. There's nothing wrong with porn in itself, it can even be quite nice to watch it with a partner.

However, if he's picking loo porn sessions over a night in bed with you, then that's the problem that needs addressing. Pack the kids off to the grandparents or a friend's for the night, sit down with your husband - uninterrupted - and talk things over.

Original poster
Toofattorun · 22/08/2016 15:24

I'm a size 16 from a 12. I'm thinking that might be one of the reasons.
Although even as a size 12 I've noticed that he had subscriptions to X rated tv and still denied it.

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 22/08/2016 15:29

Unless he's telling you that he's not watching porn and it's all in your head or you're paranoid, then no, it's not gaslighting.

OP says he denies watching porn.

He's denied it this time too, even when you've walked in on him and seen it?

IonaNE · 22/08/2016 15:29

Well, for a start you could tell him that having sex 3 times a year does not fall into the category of "everything is all right".
On the other hand, contrary to what many here say, I do think porn itself is an issue. I don't think I would just accept my husband watching exploited women have sex on camera.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 22/08/2016 15:29

Poor you OP, sorry to have been flippant before. You sound really down and no you don't sound like a cunt at all.

Nothing really to add but I didn't want you to think someone was laughing about what is obviously a serious and sad situation Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/08/2016 15:29

He's allowed a private life. Clearly we all have boundaries (mine is strip clubs etc.) and if DH stepped over one, I wouldn't want to be with him. Is porn your boundary or is it the lack of sex. Did you mind when you were having sex if he also watched porn?

Something clearly needs to change. If this is a deal-breaker, tell him that; he talks to you, or he talks to a counselor, or you will be planning to leave.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/08/2016 15:30

I agree Iona but the issue here isn't a discussion about the ethics of pornography as much as someone here for help and advice.

mrsfuzzy · 22/08/2016 15:32

too you are not a cunt or anything else like it you are a loving warm person who needs intimacy so stop putting yourself down.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 22/08/2016 15:33

Doh. Just re-read the OP, an obviously he has denied this latest incident too. You have a number of issues - the lack of intimacy in the relationship, and inability to discuss it together, and lying about porn use.

What would be your ideal outcome or solution?

timelytess · 22/08/2016 15:34

Your size isn't the issue. His lack of respect for women is. He sees you as housekeeper and mother not as sexual partner. Its in his head, not about your body. He's truanting the marriage.
Its not up to you to fix it. In fact, nothing you can do alone would fix it. Options:
a) Buy a womanizer or other device, 'put up and shut up'. Wait to see if he leaves you eventually. Constantly wonder.
b) Tell him to put it right or leave - no porn, lots of affection/sex at convenient times.
You might also try accessing some porn of your own choosing, and making sure he knows.

Just5minswithDacre · 22/08/2016 15:35

Do the seat was down? Good

If he's always had porn subscriptions and always denied it then he's always been a liar and shifty about his porn habit and those are two very basic, long running problems.

Then you have lack of intimacy on top.

I'm surprised that you find today's incident particularly significant against that backdrop, TBH.

Just5minswithDacre · 22/08/2016 15:36

SO the seat was...^

LuluJakey1 · 22/08/2016 15:37

Not in the French sense What does that mean? Does kissing only count if tongues are down throats? DH and I kiss a lot, long tender kisses that are certainly sexual and leave me weak at times with lust but don't necessarily involve tongues down throats.