Who is BU here? MIL and thank you cards

[chocolatefudgecake157]

Long time lurker, first time poster

MIL is generally lovely. Very well-to-do, bit of a snob and name dropper but overall she is pretty cool, non-interfering and we get on well.

She is obsessive about thank you cards though. She sends me TY cards for her birthday presents each year. Every Xmas she emails DH (who is 33) with a reminder to do his TY cards and details of his presents (he comes from a large family, most live aboard). They have close family stay with them for Xmas, have done for 20 year. They always exchange TY cards for gifts a week later despite opening them in front of each other.

She'll never openly admit to it but she does judge people who don't send TY cards. She sent a wedding present and new baby present to a friend's son - never received a TY card and went on about it so much that her friend cooled the relationship with her for a while.

Anyway, my family are not TY card people. My dad's culture doesn't do them and my mum just never has.

When DH and I got married, my parents received millions of TY cards from her large family. MIL and FIL ALSO received loads of TY cards even though my family hosted the wedding and paid for pretty much all of it.

Anyway DH's brother recently got married and PILs invited my parents. They get on well (see each other once or twice a year) but it was mostly a political decision I think. PILs had very small numbers and couldn't invite certain groups without offending others etc. so my parents were a neutral option, very close by to the venue and could also have a hand in watching DS who is a toddler. My parents went and all was well but they didn't get a chance to say bye to PILs (busy wedding, they were taking DS home etc etc).

I mentioned to my mum that she should probably send PIL a card to say thanks. I said how ridiculous they are and they are too much with TY cards. in truth I'll admit that I thought MIL will probably be expecting one and that was the main reason for me suggesting it (of course, during a phone call last week MIL did mention how many lovely letters they've had about the wedding).

My mum knows how silly I find it all. She did say she'd planned to send one to the bride's parents but didn't think of sending one to PILs.

Anyway I mentioned it again a few days later and my mum hit the roof, saying she shouldn't have to send them a card, they are pathetic, have me wrapped round their finger and that she won't send one. It then spiralled into a huge row over how ridiculous my inlaws are and how I'm turning into one of them.

My dad, trying to be diplomatic, suggested an email saying something along the lines of it was nice to see them and they enjoyed themselves with no explicit thank you. But my mum won't even do that.

she didn't speak to me for 3 days! We've made up but I haven't broached the subject.

First world problem I know but is my mum right?

"Your MIL needs telling - she's WAY over the top.

I think your Mum has been a bit mean though, you asked her to do it to make your life easier, it wouldn't have killed her to just do it. Just because you're appeasing your MIL doesn't mean your 'turning into one of them' and it was a nasty thing to say to you."

Agree with this!

Your mil is a loon. Why would you even think about sending a card to anyone other than the bridal couple and they should send one to you as a thank you for the gift ( if given).
No wonder your mums pee'd off. Why not forge the card Would your mum ever know?

I always send a thank you card to the bride's parents if they have hosted the wedding. It's good manners. Have to admit I never used to until a friend mentioned that she did it, and then it just dawned on me that it was a nice thing to do. When we got married I'd say about half the guests sent TY cards to my parents and it was really nice to read them.

You have chosen to appease your MIL, at your Mums expense. Told your mum that MIL is more important, must be taken more care of.

This...

Isn't it rude to ask for a thank you card? Nice if given - not so nice if you have to ask!

chocolate please do make friends with your mum.

Make it clear to her you do not expect her to do anything she does not want to do.

If this comes up with MIL, please explain to your MIL that as your mum is a grown woman you would not dream of expecting her to do something at your request in this way.

It's a shame, I do think your MIL is a bit bats about this, and I think your mum over reacted a bit, BUT ultimately, you and your mum agree this is a bit crazy of your MIL and best to leave her to it.

Just don't get involved.

Your MIL is a fruit loop, so don't pander to her. You nagged your Mum and her reaction was rather OTT, though I can understand it.

I would not have even considered sending your MIL a thank you card in those circumstances. Why did she need one?

I am not big on thank you cards. I prefer phone, text, email etc., or face to face. That is how I do thank you.

I must admit that someone attempting to instruct me on the issue of what thank yous to send and how would be likely to find it having the opposite effect to the one they were hoping for.

I think you should reply to all of MIL's thank you cards with a 'you're welcome' card. Beat her at her own game.

I've never heard of writing a thank you card for being invited to a wedding, and I'd be a bit as well. However, I know some people are a stickler for thank you cards (my family for example!) Just a quick thank you email would suffice, surely, if can't bring self to write an actual letter. Takes seconds.

FurkinA the much demanded thank you card in question was for a present a relative of DH's had sent to our DC.

DH doesn't care about thank you cards and never writes his own.

My MIL admitted that it was rude to chase for thank you but nevertheless continued to do it.

I was fairly firm so hopefully my point was made.

First of all, I don't think anyone is BU here. I come from a background where we were taught to write TY letters for everything, so when we go to stay with my parents or they give DH a gift, even if they're in the room when he receives it, I do ask DH to write a very short note of thanks just to keep the peace as it's what they expect and it really doesn't take too much time - you might think it pandering but the fallout from my parents of not thanking would be too great! It's such a little thing, why not go along with it? So I sympathise with OP for asking her DM to write - if MIL is going to fuss without a TY card then it seems a small thing to do to keep things easy between families. Yes DM is a grownup and can make her own decisions but hope she can see this little thing/quirk of the MIL/however she likes to see it would make her DD's life easier and just get on with it?

I would always write a TY card for a wedding - but to the hosts, so usually the bride's parents or indeed the couple themselves if they've organised and paid for everything (traditionally the way the invitation is written will show you who is hosting). I suppose as the DM in this case I would have written a TY card to the hosts and a short note/email to MIL for having invited us to the lovely day.

I admit I'm struggling with why so many of you think it's ok not to thank for a wedding. Weddings can often take a lot of planning and money and the typical British one I've been to involves being there for 9+ hours, being fed and watered a lot during that time, often there might be a band, dancing, a lot laid on. Not bothering to thank for a lovely party, just because you yourself brought a gift, sounds so entitled. Don't people's DCs write TY cards for being invited to birthday parties any longer? Same principle (of bringing a gift but still writing to thank for the lovely time you had).

We receive thank you cards from DH's relatives thanking us for gifts we haven't bought. MIL buys them and a card which she gets DH to sign and then she sends it all on to the recipient. We'll then get a TY card from the relative thanking us for the lovely scarf or whatever, which always leaves me a bit

Entitled for not sending a thank you card after attending a wedding? Bloody hell, I really have heard it all now.

My mum is a bit obsessive about thank you cards but not to that extent!
I sent my aunt lovely flowers for Xmas and my aunt sent pressit's for my kids.
My mum told me to send a TY card and I said no why should I cos I sent her flowers and she's not gonna send me a TY card for them!
Anyway that wasn't good enough, my mum went and bought a TY and handed me it with a stamp on the envelope and I said thanks and put it on my bookshelf where it sat for two months and my mum then took the hint not to ask me to do that again!

^ excuse my typos please I'm on me phone!

I think it is normal to thank people. if I have dinner with friends I e-mail saying Thanks and how lovely the food was/ nice it was to see them.

I thank people for presents. It's nice. What harm does it do? It is polite, it shows appreciation, it lets people know that you enjoyed the event/gift whatever. Why would you make a fuss about it. And certainly why would you refuse to do it?? Really??

People like to be thanked - it makes them feel appreciated.

Is it the "done thing" to send ty letters after a wedding? My parents didn't get any after our wedding and there were plenty of middle class bores those kind of people there.

Someone can rigidly adhere to etiquette and still be completely inconsiderate and lacking in empathy and pleasantness. Etiquette doesn't have any bearing on actual manners, I don't think.

It sounds like everyone is being silly here, but what jumps out is your mum's three day sulk. I can't bear grown adults sulking. My mum tries it to try and make people feel guilty and ashamed and I won't tolerate it now.