Am I being a diva?

[Cornwallbird79]

I guess I've come to a huge fork in the road and I know what good advice I find on here so I am trusting you all with it.
There is a huge history but the gist is that my partner of 16 years re trained (putting huge strain on the family) wth the intention/ promise that once done he would work his butt off to clear the debts. His parents have paid a huge chunk and my parents did too ( which I am not comfortable with but I am v v lucky and eternally grateful) Over the past few years debt has built back up again whih I am very ashamed of. Missed credit card payments/ interest then short falls after usual things like car goes wrong etc. With two young children and no family help, I've worked as much as physically possible. I'm not proud and hve picked up cleaning, care work etc etc.but we live hand to mouth- literally.
I've managed to get the debt under control through a debt charity but even they ask why my husband and I can't work more. And I can see why they asked me.
I had four part time jobs but I started to get quite ill wih my mental health again so had to cut down to just one part time job and cleaning on a Saturday. Both are minimum wage £7.20 an hr but are fulfilling (I work for a charity) but I struggle to bring home more than 400 a month. Twice last week I took the kdjs with me to work which of course would not be possible in most jobs! I can't afford childcare and we only quailify for 10 a week from tax credits. My husbands wage is really quite ok ( hence we don't qualify for the credits) but with the debt coming off each month -it ends up being less than my friends take home and she lives in a council rented place, with tax creds etc. they do things weekly that I could only dream
Of but we scrape the barrel by mid month, get bank charges for going over drawn etc. we have even used the food bank.

There is no way out without one of us working more. My husband simply won't. I can't believe it-I'm
Ashamed of him :( He works for the NHS full time but cannot cope with any overtime apparently. If feel like he made SUCH a huge deal during his training. I'd often sit in Asda cafe on my own or be walking in the rain wih the kids so that we were out the way while he studied, I had bad post Natal and just got no support from him. I gave up all of my time to basically be a single parent and for absolutely nothing. We go round and round and Round every month and nothing changes.

In sep I will be working every day in school hours (so won't have to worry abot the kids so much:) but I will make 9500 for the year. It's an embarrassingly low wage but it's in a school and I really need to take it as it means I can provide for the kids and maybe actually buy them some new clothes (not charity shop or hand me downs) and start chipping away at the debts.

Yesterday I came accross a little house that I could afford on my own wih the children. In fact the kids and I would be around 200 a month better off. I know it's mercenary but sometimes as things are- I can't even put together a packed lunch for the kids at school. And it's because I can't make any more money and ds seems unwilling to. I have lost respect for him een though he can be a very sweet, loving man.
Anyway...
The little house is right by both the kids school and where I will work... So I won't need to use the car as much. It's perfect. For my sanity and for the kids I don't see an alternative but to completely separate and move out of our (rented) house. The kids are always asking me why I look sad / tired/ fed up and it's of course impacting on them. They are central to my world and I don't want todo anything to hurt them so this isn't knee jerk.
I am so angry with my husband for not providing . I just find him a bit lazy and so laxadasical about everything. E had almost three weeks off recently and cld have picked up well paid agency shifts but woukdntZ I resent him and just feel in such a pickle. Nothing has changed in five years. I am stressed every day and have awful nightmares where I'm in a car at high speed, can't see properly & car find the brakes.

I have tried talking to him and can't seem to get an answer abot why he won't work more and why he has put us through so much ( too muh selfish behaviour to detail here) but he says he loves me etx etx but his actions a lot of the time seem contrary to this.
Am I expecting too much or beig a diva? :(

As someone in a similar situations think YANBU. My H retrained to work in NHS. He was on a good salary before this relative to mine but we didn't have much in the way of savings. Over 4 years we ended up 10k in debt because he couldn't work whilst studying. His salary is lower than before but he is now earning and working 3x 12h shifts. When he is working he works eats and sleeps. That's it.

But. And this is the but. When he isn't at work he covers childcare (I work full time but mon-fri 9-5) he does one or two overtime shifts every month and would do more but I won't let him work any weekends when he's off because I need his help (as disabled and not able to get around independently) more than we need the money. He is very tired a lot of the time but he knows he screwed up our financial security and does everything he can to try to get us out of the hole that we are in. We will be debt free (apart from mortgage) in 2 years from now.

What NickiFury said.

When is your opportunity to retrain OP? And well done on getting a school hours job, you are contributing massively to your family by eliminating childcare costs.

I think you could BOTH do more. You could work more and so could your husband. I don't see why your husband should have to do all the extra. Perhaps he is a little resentful of you and that is why he is reluctant. You could both do more and share the child care.

Did you not read the op had 4 jobs on the go but had to give it up for health reasons there is no spare childcare money either.
this you could do more while doing everything is sexist bull shit the op has nothing left to give.

if you are on a debt management plan with a charity you are not allowed any more credit.

if the payments are leaving you in a position where you cant give your children packed lunches or buy clothes then it needs re-assessing. that would be your first port of call.

can you train for better paid work? if your dp is working full time hours i would say he is doing enough.

you said earlier that you spent time sat in a cafe whilst he studied. i know that wont have been expensive and is not a luxury but nor is it an essential. it seems like money could be spent more wisely.

OP I think you should do it. You don't sound like a diva or entitled, just at the end of your tether.

Having your own place and managing your own income/out-goings will be much less stressful for you and your DC. Maybe if your DH sees where this had led to he'll change his ways and start supporting you not just financially but emotionally as well.

It's so much easier to manage on your own than drag along an unhelpful partner.

It isn't sexist bullshit when both a mother and father could do more or share the work more. Nobody said the OP should go back to working 4jobs.

Yes you get a lot more for agency work.
I've just spoken to the debt management guys and they say that with my income going up to 600 a month - we will pay 735 in debt to them every month. They see this as fair so they must be right but for any of the posters who think I swan about with a sense of entitlement spending money here, there and everywhere- it really is quite clear that evey penny earnt goes back on debt. Every penny is counted quite literally and it will be until I'm old and grey :)
So maybe that's why hubby wot so more as he feels that he would be extra shattered and it would all go straight out to debtors.what a mess

OP you've had every sort of advice thrown at you - good and bad. Has it made anything any clearer? Is it possible to have a discussion with your husband? Would he listen? Sit down and think about your day and write everything down. Also write down how things will change in September. Do this regarding your husband's day too.

I believe your husband can do more even an extra shift a week would help. I am guessing his hourly rate is about double what you earn.

How would you split the debt if you leave? 50/50?

I'm surprised everyone is being unsupportive here, certainly on three weeks off he could have done a shift that could really have helped you get ahead. It's not just that though it's the not being prepared to talk to you about it, and the fact that you had to go so much out of your way to accommodate the training - if you discussed leaving him how do you think he would react?

how much is this debt if you think you'll be paying over £700 for the rest of your life??

thats £700 a month

yes that's correct mumontherun. You've been on at me literally all day. I'm not sure what your issue is. I'm stressed, in a lot of debt, do everything I can to pay for it, look after my children, run the house on a small budget (like a lot of parents do) and yes its 700 a month. I'm no spring chicken now and nor is my husband and yes ill be well past 50 by the time this is cleared up, with no savings, we don't own a house and by that time husband will be at retirement age and I will need to be the main bread winner on a low wage. How do you know that I'm not in my 50's now? We all sit behind screens and you cant see me?!
I have no issue with anyone disagreeing or putting there two pence in - its a public discussion board but actually you are the only one who has not been helpful in any way. so thanks but might you move on to another post as I don't think you are being helpful.

One of your first comments after I posted was that 'I hadn't hung around long on the board after your reply. I've been at work off and on all day and havnt had time to literally sit in front of my computer. thank you to anyone else who has replied as I have taken bits of everyones replies and yes it feels a little clearer in my head.

You mention worrying about paying the debt when your husband retires, how old is he? Is that something to factor into your decision?

sorry cornwall that wasn't very helpful but what i was trying to say i guess is that if at that point you were running yourselves up into debt then money could have been spent more wisely.

fwiw im on a dmp at the moment through step change. they did a review of all my in comings and essential outgoings then set aside remaining money to pay off my debt which is why i dont understand how you are at a point where there is not enough money for packed lunches as on the plan i had you had to account for things like food, hair, dental care, clothes etc before they agreed on a monthly amount to go to debtors.

is the debt all in your dp's name?

If the OP was a single parent earning £9500 pa then she'd be entitled to tax credits, and once the debt was split in half between her and DH she'd probably be much better off financially.

OP, it's sounds like you worked your arse off to support your DH to retrain on the promise of him being able to bring in decent money when it was done. He's happy for you to work 4 jobs while suffering with bi-polar and for both your parents to pay your debts, but is refusing to pick up one extra shift a week which would help massively both financially and in taking some of the stress off you - and with your illness stress and worry is the last thing you need.

You are not being a diva at all.

Can't believe how hard a time some people are giving the OP here. She has stated really clearly that she has mental health issues including bipolar and that she had to reduce the amount she worked because of this, and that she has a new job earning a bit more money lined up for September. Plus she's caring for young children.

Yes, her DH is working FT (36 hours per week), but the nature of his role and his shift patterns means he could easily work more. Plenty of people do work far more than 36 hours a week, and she hasn't indicated that he has any health problems which limit his ability to pick up some extra shifts. I know a few nurses and many of them are registered for the bank and pick up an extra shift every week or two which from what OP has said would make a huge difference to their situation. It also sounds like most of the debt was accrued because of his retraining.

Is it ideal for him to work longer hours? No, of course not. But if you have a family and you've got them in to a big fat financial hole in order to follow your dream then you need to put on your bloody big boy pants and work extra. I know nursing can be physically hard but nobody is suggesting he works 7 days a week - but 4 instead of 3 would make a hell of a difference.

If you have this huge debt that's going to take forever to pay off and no assets, might bankruptcy be the best solution?

Have you been given any advice about this?

He already works full time. You work part time. How is the debt his fault? You should get a full time job too and that might solve your debt problems. Yabu expecting him to do extra shifts while you remain part time.

Jesus Christ there are some real judgy bitches on here! FWIW OP I think you're amazing. Almost all of the people I know who I know have Bipolar aren't able to work at all, or only very limited hours, let alone 4 bloody jobs or 25 hours a week!

I'm sure that 3x12 shifts must be exhausting for him, but when you have debt and a family you do what you must. It sounds like you're doing that already. I've had a few unexpected expenses recently, and whilst I can afford the grand that's had to come out of my account without falling into debt, I would like to keep my account with a reasonable float. I'm a FT non clinical NHS worker and i'm thinking of joining the NHSP agency and picking up an extra shift or two a month. I'll happily go and take abuse on A&E reception on a weekend if it means I can continue to afford the nice stuff in life. I'm a single mum and have a chronic illness too which leaves me shattered, but what's one or two days extra a month? If you can get DH to agree to one extra shift a month, I'd call it a win. Good luck, and stay your strong self x

Limon she has young children to care for I think a full time job is out of the question.

I would love to work full time and need the extra income but I have two little one who need to be cared for during the holidays and taken to and from school during term time. I have nobody who can help. After school club is £10 per child per day and breakfast club is only a £1 each per day.

Good luck OP with whatever you choose to do. As a PP asked is bankruptcy an option?

He's a nurse in the NHS isn't he?. Tbh, it is awful awful work. My exH trained and qualified and the first year post quslifying nearly broke him. There is no way he could cope with anymore. I'm sorry you are in so much debt. You are not being unreasonable though. You sound really miserable.

I would be looking for as many free and cheap days out as you can, embrace the charity shops, and start trying to find the positives. You just sound like you are in a rutt having hoped his new profession would move you forward but finding it is a trap. Shift work can be gruelling.

I really hope you find a way through because if there is nothing else in your marriage that is difficult then it's worth holding on to. Single parenting is hard. It can be hard on children - It's horrible seeing my son miss his dad, I had to leave because he was abusive. To leave because of being fed up with being skint is a privilege that your freedom affords you but hopefully your integrity won't.

Hi, I've had a rethink. If he's really really not stepping up and not going to then I can see why you'd feel like leaving.

Husband wants to retrain, so his family and OP's family both contribute, and OP works four part time jobs to help cover it.

Husband wants to retrain, so when that's not enough, OP and husband go into debt.

Husband wants to retrain, so he asks his family to leave their own house every day he wants to study.

Husband regularly has stretches of four days off, but isn't willing to take even a six-hour shift through an agency, despite the difference that would make.

Husband is also not seeking a higher paying job in his field.

OP is main caretaker of the children, and works part time as she can. Will be working more come school, at which time their payments will go up.

OP is not being unreasonable to want husband to pick up some hours with an agency. I agree that a fourth shift would probably be too taxing if it's four days in a row (nursing is grueling), but this debt is all because of him. She shares it, but it was to better his career options, despite the fact he's closer to retirement than her. He needs to be putting in the extra mile for a while to knock it out, and I really don't think an extra six or eight hour private shift a week is unreasonable. Or he needs to be looking for a full time job with higher pay through an agency.

Look at it this way. He just spent his childrens' college money so he could retrain. He should do what it takes to even out the debt.