Am I being a diva?

[Cornwallbird79]

I guess I've come to a huge fork in the road and I know what good advice I find on here so I am trusting you all with it.
There is a huge history but the gist is that my partner of 16 years re trained (putting huge strain on the family) wth the intention/ promise that once done he would work his butt off to clear the debts. His parents have paid a huge chunk and my parents did too ( which I am not comfortable with but I am v v lucky and eternally grateful) Over the past few years debt has built back up again whih I am very ashamed of. Missed credit card payments/ interest then short falls after usual things like car goes wrong etc. With two young children and no family help, I've worked as much as physically possible. I'm not proud and hve picked up cleaning, care work etc etc.but we live hand to mouth- literally.
I've managed to get the debt under control through a debt charity but even they ask why my husband and I can't work more. And I can see why they asked me.
I had four part time jobs but I started to get quite ill wih my mental health again so had to cut down to just one part time job and cleaning on a Saturday. Both are minimum wage £7.20 an hr but are fulfilling (I work for a charity) but I struggle to bring home more than 400 a month. Twice last week I took the kdjs with me to work which of course would not be possible in most jobs! I can't afford childcare and we only quailify for 10 a week from tax credits. My husbands wage is really quite ok ( hence we don't qualify for the credits) but with the debt coming off each month -it ends up being less than my friends take home and she lives in a council rented place, with tax creds etc. they do things weekly that I could only dream
Of but we scrape the barrel by mid month, get bank charges for going over drawn etc. we have even used the food bank.

There is no way out without one of us working more. My husband simply won't. I can't believe it-I'm
Ashamed of him :( He works for the NHS full time but cannot cope with any overtime apparently. If feel like he made SUCH a huge deal during his training. I'd often sit in Asda cafe on my own or be walking in the rain wih the kids so that we were out the way while he studied, I had bad post Natal and just got no support from him. I gave up all of my time to basically be a single parent and for absolutely nothing. We go round and round and Round every month and nothing changes.

In sep I will be working every day in school hours (so won't have to worry abot the kids so much:) but I will make 9500 for the year. It's an embarrassingly low wage but it's in a school and I really need to take it as it means I can provide for the kids and maybe actually buy them some new clothes (not charity shop or hand me downs) and start chipping away at the debts.

Yesterday I came accross a little house that I could afford on my own wih the children. In fact the kids and I would be around 200 a month better off. I know it's mercenary but sometimes as things are- I can't even put together a packed lunch for the kids at school. And it's because I can't make any more money and ds seems unwilling to. I have lost respect for him een though he can be a very sweet, loving man.
Anyway...
The little house is right by both the kids school and where I will work... So I won't need to use the car as much. It's perfect. For my sanity and for the kids I don't see an alternative but to completely separate and move out of our (rented) house. The kids are always asking me why I look sad / tired/ fed up and it's of course impacting on them. They are central to my world and I don't want todo anything to hurt them so this isn't knee jerk.
I am so angry with my husband for not providing . I just find him a bit lazy and so laxadasical about everything. E had almost three weeks off recently and cld have picked up well paid agency shifts but woukdntZ I resent him and just feel in such a pickle. Nothing has changed in five years. I am stressed every day and have awful nightmares where I'm in a car at high speed, can't see properly & car find the brakes.

I have tried talking to him and can't seem to get an answer abot why he won't work more and why he has put us through so much ( too muh selfish behaviour to detail here) but he says he loves me etx etx but his actions a lot of the time seem contrary to this.
Am I expecting too much or beig a diva? :(

*So if you were a single parent and lived separately, then why were you sat in cafes and walking the streets with your kids in the rain? Why not be in your ( seperate) home?

Your op mentioned lots, but nothing about moving out..... Where did you go? Of course 2 households would run up more debt*

This

Op? You didn't hang around long!?

I could work overtime in my job. I could really use the money. I used to do a lot of overtime a few years ago. But I can't anymore because it leaves me exhausted and exacerbates my mental health issues. I wish I could pick up extra shifts but it's just not worth it for me.

You can't work more hours because of mental health, why do you have so much trouble accepting that he can't work extra hours in a stressful job?

I agree it's odd you never mentioned previously moving out, which is not something you do when you're trying to avoid more debts.

Assuming the debt is joint, you can't run away from it. It'll still be joint after you separate.

It does kind of sound like you want to leave him and claim benefits and maintainance because you'll be better off financially

If he's a nurse the stress and responsibility involved in modern day nursing may mean he can't face doing overtime, I know I feel that way. You say you have done care work before, could you work as a carer for an agency working around his shifts so you share childcare? You would earn a fair amount if you did nights and Sundays and would avoid childcare costs as you would be able to pick which shifts you did.

Those asking why OP isn't working full-time - she is (school hours) as from September.

It would be interesting to know whether her DP does 50% of the childcare and housework when he's not at work, which would enable OP to work evenings or weekends.

Going back to retrain when you have children done mean having a plan for repaying debts, and then sticking to it. We had that for a while, when my DH did some post-grad studies. It was tough.

I'm now a single parent and take on as much work as I need to, to provide for my family. And no more than I need to, so I know I'm spending as much time with my children as I can. It's a tough balancing act. And I've just finished work for today, at nearly 3AM.

Lots of overtime for nurses has vanished now due to cutbacks. Plus it's a very stressful and demanding job, honestly full time as a nurse is enough. Especially in your first few years, the responsibility is just so much to adjust to.

Your DH works full time for the NHS - it may only be 3 days a week but 12h shifts which are physically and mentally gruelling. That's near enough full time.

You work part time and Saturdays.

I know who I think should pick up more of the slack and it isn't your DH.

If my husband (who works part time, school hours only - I work full time in a public hospital) suggested I work overtime, extra shifts or take agency work in my annual leave I would be unable to see through the replies of LTB. Annual leave is vital to rest and recharge, even if you don't go anywhere just a break in routine and not having to get up for work at 6am does wonders for mental health.

Tbh given the fact that you have gone from 'I felt like a single parent and had to walk the street so he could study'

To 'I actually was a single parent and lived on my own'

I am inclined to think you are a little unreasonable. Because it's impossible to comment without knowing what's the truth.

It sounds like you thought once he finished studying, all your financial problems would be solved by his wage.

How did you both get into debt again?

Quite frankly, he works full time. The next option should be you working full time if you need more money. Not him doing overtime or working his annual leave. Unless there is a reason you can't.

I am imagining you thought he would earn enough so you could quit work or at least just work the minimum. Wether that's because that what he told you or you just assumed, I don't know.

But that's not the reality. If you are unhappy, leave. But don't just leave because you think it will make it better for you financially. It won't.

Hi - I worked full time during his training but it wasn't enough to pay everything. He had terrible anger issues obv and understably stressed at uni. He spent a lot of time on fb chatting to his nurse friends and yes because the house was small- with a young child we were noisy so he asked us to go out in the day wen he wasn't at uni. It was ok some days as could meet up wh friends or walk but when it rained we ended up just getting soaked or hiding out in Asda. Playgrouo didt run evey day. When he was on placement- I slept in a chair with my son to allow hubby to sleep. I'd never have woken him for help wih nigt feeds etx but I felt he was tired etx. I tried really really hard to make him happy and look after or son but I fell short.
I ended up moving out for a variety of reasons at the time. I had bad post natal and wasn't in a very good place. I had a break down lost a lot of weight, eventually I got diagnosed with bi polar - under psych services. it was very complicated. I moved out with our son and lived without him.

I worked full time until last year ( I know lots of you have got angry because it doesn't look like I work) but of course I do/ have)
And when I was too ill to work full me is worked As a volunteer mentor at a Charity and as a volunteer at a mental health project. As would be expected- I did house work and always cooked for husband. I wouldn't expect him to do that ehn he had been at uni or placement.

We moved house two years ago to another county and I found a job quickly- then I picked up two lots of care work and did nights and then another job that I tried hard to for around the kids as around eachother. Unfortunately it wast possible to pick and choose entirely wih the shifts. Most work places just tell you when you are working.. My hubby who of course is tired from work( he is fairly newly qualified nurse) would have the kids at the time I was at work or a kind friend looked after them.
Two months ago i started to get Ill again and couldn't juggle all the jobs. I cut down to one job int eh week and they only need me two days a week.
As soon as this was clear, I found a job in a school whixh starts in September. This is classed as a full time teaching assistant job.
In fact it's 25.5 hours a week pay alhough I'm there from 8.30-3.25 Monday to Friday.

I guess the point is that my husband hasn't done what he said he would do. It's left to me to sort out. Everything is. So thanks to anyone who has chipped in with trying to say I'm lazy or entitled. Maybe I am? But I don't know what else work wise I can do.
It will make it easier when both kids are at school as I will e able to ask for extra hours at after school clubs.
My husband is a lot older than me and yes I worry horribly about how when he retires, I'll be the breadwinner for the next 20 years. Hugely panicky

I don't really understand why people are going in on you on this thread to be honest. He's retrained, during which you fully supported him (you didn't get to retrain though) and does 3 X 12 hour shifts a week and you do absolutely everything else it seems including working at the weekend and you will be working near on full time once the new term starts. He could pick up a few hours extra work, which he said he would do and this would alleviate pretty much all your problems as a family. You don't have the opportunity to retrain so are forced to take minimum wage jobs forever.

Damn right I would be moving to that house, in fact I would be running there.

I agree nicki op doing jobs to suit him getting loans for him and she is getting a hard time I dont understand

NickiFury I agree with that assessment. The OP's life sounds incredibly stressful, weighed down by debt and worry.

Hello, MrsJayy, I think it must be 'AIBU syndrome'.

op you will earn 9500 per year, which you apologise is low.
it is not to be sneezed at.
like you say you have childcare.

he is a full time nurse.
working 3 twelve hour shifts a week.
that Is full time and knackering.
he is Meant to have rest time.

all sounds very feasible.
but i dont know why you are apologisng for your supposed low pay. It is not bad. Things will be better when your dc are older and you can work more.

Hi Op,

I'm not sure why you're gettimg a hard time either. My dh is currently doing two jobs to try and get us back on track. So he does 12 hours per day. It's far from ideal but it's temporary.

I think if you haven't already you need to set things out clearly. If he refuses to step up then leave.

but well done on getting teaching assistant job. that is a fantastic achievement. those jobs are like gold dust

I actually think he is being unreasonable when you explain the situation further but I wonder if he's feeling annoyed at being aged to do extra when you're working part time just 2/3 days a week. I thinkyou should leave him if you don't love him - if you do however then try again to speak to him and ask if he could take on two extra shifts a month to help with the debt and begin to save. If he says no explain you feel unsupported and are thinking of leaving. I'm not one for ultimatums but maybe he doesn't realise how much it's affecting you as it seems like you're the one involved with managing the finances?

If money is so tight OP how could you possibly do it on your own in that little house you've seen near your dcs school ?

If money is so tight OP how could you possibly do it on your own in that little house you've seen near your dcs school ?

If money is so tight OP how could you possibly do it on your own in that little house you've seen near your dcs school ?

Those saying 'leave'

How?

How does someone who is in debt, used food banks etc, just suddenly find the money for rental deposits/advance rent/moving van/agency fees etc etc??

Oops.
When posting it said '...failed to post' so I retried.

And where is this 'overtime' in the NHS??

NHS workers up thread say it's not there

Oops.
When posting it said '...failed to post' so I retried.

I think you both need to look at your income and expenditure and see where cuts can be made (can you adjust your debt payments?) and where extra income can be earned.
It is something that you need to discuss and tackle together. Clearly you are feeling very stressed by the debt and you sound worried and concerned to me, not lazy and entitled.