Am I being a diva?

[Cornwallbird79]

I guess I've come to a huge fork in the road and I know what good advice I find on here so I am trusting you all with it.
There is a huge history but the gist is that my partner of 16 years re trained (putting huge strain on the family) wth the intention/ promise that once done he would work his butt off to clear the debts. His parents have paid a huge chunk and my parents did too ( which I am not comfortable with but I am v v lucky and eternally grateful) Over the past few years debt has built back up again whih I am very ashamed of. Missed credit card payments/ interest then short falls after usual things like car goes wrong etc. With two young children and no family help, I've worked as much as physically possible. I'm not proud and hve picked up cleaning, care work etc etc.but we live hand to mouth- literally.
I've managed to get the debt under control through a debt charity but even they ask why my husband and I can't work more. And I can see why they asked me.
I had four part time jobs but I started to get quite ill wih my mental health again so had to cut down to just one part time job and cleaning on a Saturday. Both are minimum wage £7.20 an hr but are fulfilling (I work for a charity) but I struggle to bring home more than 400 a month. Twice last week I took the kdjs with me to work which of course would not be possible in most jobs! I can't afford childcare and we only quailify for 10 a week from tax credits. My husbands wage is really quite ok ( hence we don't qualify for the credits) but with the debt coming off each month -it ends up being less than my friends take home and she lives in a council rented place, with tax creds etc. they do things weekly that I could only dream
Of but we scrape the barrel by mid month, get bank charges for going over drawn etc. we have even used the food bank.

There is no way out without one of us working more. My husband simply won't. I can't believe it-I'm
Ashamed of him :( He works for the NHS full time but cannot cope with any overtime apparently. If feel like he made SUCH a huge deal during his training. I'd often sit in Asda cafe on my own or be walking in the rain wih the kids so that we were out the way while he studied, I had bad post Natal and just got no support from him. I gave up all of my time to basically be a single parent and for absolutely nothing. We go round and round and Round every month and nothing changes.

In sep I will be working every day in school hours (so won't have to worry abot the kids so much:) but I will make 9500 for the year. It's an embarrassingly low wage but it's in a school and I really need to take it as it means I can provide for the kids and maybe actually buy them some new clothes (not charity shop or hand me downs) and start chipping away at the debts.

Yesterday I came accross a little house that I could afford on my own wih the children. In fact the kids and I would be around 200 a month better off. I know it's mercenary but sometimes as things are- I can't even put together a packed lunch for the kids at school. And it's because I can't make any more money and ds seems unwilling to. I have lost respect for him een though he can be a very sweet, loving man.
Anyway...
The little house is right by both the kids school and where I will work... So I won't need to use the car as much. It's perfect. For my sanity and for the kids I don't see an alternative but to completely separate and move out of our (rented) house. The kids are always asking me why I look sad / tired/ fed up and it's of course impacting on them. They are central to my world and I don't want todo anything to hurt them so this isn't knee jerk.
I am so angry with my husband for not providing . I just find him a bit lazy and so laxadasical about everything. E had almost three weeks off recently and cld have picked up well paid agency shifts but woukdntZ I resent him and just feel in such a pickle. Nothing has changed in five years. I am stressed every day and have awful nightmares where I'm in a car at high speed, can't see properly & car find the brakes.

I have tried talking to him and can't seem to get an answer abot why he won't work more and why he has put us through so much ( too muh selfish behaviour to detail here) but he says he loves me etx etx but his actions a lot of the time seem contrary to this.
Am I expecting too much or beig a diva? :(

And others say he can do agency work.

I don't mean to be rude and I'll probably get flamed but I think OP is going to try and get all the benefits she can by living alone and then obviously maintenance off her DH - that's how she will be 'better off'

Because her relationship will have broken down and become untenable like many other women in this country who get similar help.

Yes but first she has to get there.... Move into a new place.... Which doesn't sound likely

"Yesterday I came accross a little house that I could afford on my own wih the children. In fact the kids and I would be around 200 a month better off. "

Maybe her parents will help? Maybe because it's a short term expense and not endless years and years she will be able to find it herself?

YANBU.
I thought you were going say he was working every day, but 3 x 12 hours a week? That's not very much, he could easily do another day.
And seeing how distraught you are over the debt, he's clearly being very selfish.
I'd spell it out to him, either work more to pay off the debts he's accrued and to support his kids, or you leave. Be specific, say he needs to do x amount extra per week/ month. If he doesn't then you would not be unreasonable to move out. Does he know this is a deal breaker?

Erm, think the debts are joint..... Not just his!

three times 12 is a lot as a nurse on a ward.
12 hours on your feet
he couldnt do four days, that would be four times 12.

op you are being mercenary

On a tangent....
Do nurses work 3 days a week in the UK?
I thought they worked more.
I agree a 12 hour shift ( plus the handover to the next shift) as a nurse is too long.
I do know in Ireland nurses voted ( some years back) to work twelve hour shifts so they could do less days. I think that is too long a day. They should work more days and less hours. But that's just my opinion as an outsider looking in.
I think most nurses are just amazing.
I couldn't do their job.

Holly they tend to do either do 5x8hrs 4x10 or 3x12 (in my area anyway)
There is very little over time in any of the hospitals I've worked in recently but obviously this changes depending on trusts

I think the standard nursing full time shift pattern is 13 shifts a month, to average 37.5 hours a week after meal breaks. These will be at all times of random days and nights so fitting in extra shifts might be difficult, especially with current constraints on agency staff/overtime.

Maybe the OP could work more hours when the DH is at home to look after the DCs to get up to full time, before expecting him to work overtime above full time work? She is currently PT term time only and he is full time for more weeks of the year.

If the OP leaves and lives in the house near the school, she could be better off with her PT wage, tax credits, maintenance and the fact that she doesn't have to pay a lot in transport/childcare, being next to the school where she works and her DCs go to.

Op it sounds like you really need to relook at your debt situation and future aspirations with your dp/h.

Debt is horrible as is living on a relatively low income, working poor can feel very brutal and endless, sapping optimism from you. It would be very difficult to secure this house you have seen without a regular wage and that's assuming that you find the deposit etc. Would it be possible to see if your debt repayment could recalculated to a smaller figure over longer time period? Presuming the car is essential for getting dp to work at unsocial hours? Or could public transport be used for less out goings?

Agree with others that unfortunately naive assertions made as a student nurse that he could do overtime may feel impossible to him now. One mistake is/can be enough to end his career.

Ultimately if the relationship is over then of course it is better to split up the debts are ones you accumulated together and so both of ŷou should be responsible or is it only his name on the debts?

I hope things improve for you. As a previous nhs worker I could not have done more than my full time hours not without a physical/mental/professional shortfall, I realise that is not news you will want to hear but is true for many in this situation.

Thank you Advice

You are both responsible for the debts, and you both need to try your best to work full-time. You supported him while he was studying, but then he supported you when you had mental health issues and could only do unpaid work, so you have both supported each other, as families do. You can't expect him to work more when he is already working full-time, and you need to step up too. You mentioned doing cleaning jobs - could you do some cleaning in the evenings as your teaching assistant job isn't full-time hours? Lots of domestic cleaners get a decent hourly wage. He is already doing 36 hours, so you should be aiming to do a similar amount of hours. Just because he's a man, doesn't mean he can take on all the burdens and give up his rest time and time with his kids while you just work part-time.

Nurses often do have to stay over their 12 hours as we can't just leave at the end of the shift if there is still paperwork to complete or an emergency happens right at the end of your shift as you don't want to leave your colleagues struggling. We are on the rota for set shifts but we often work overtime without extra pay or acknowledgement as that is the working culture of nursing.

sit down with him and with the finances,
make it seem that the extra shift is his
idea??

Sorry but if you work 3 12hr shifts a week you could easily do an extra 1 1/2 shifts with an agency every week. That could be anywhere from £400-700 depending on your clinical area plus weekend/night/bank holiday. It is poasible. I have did it for a long time. It's shit but life is shit and so is debt. However when you are in debt you do everything you can to get out of it, including working all hours you can. I would have no respect for a man like this. You at times op have had 4 jobs plus 2 kids on the go. That's pulling your weight. I really would leave him and try and sort yourself out. He clearly doesn't view it as his problem. And I don't know why you are getting the nasty responses you are. Clearly people have no idea how the stress of debt can make people feel.

Also the NHS couldn't continue if it wasn't for overtime. There is plenty of money to be made in nursing if you know where to go and are willing to put the hours in. And also, yes 3 long days may be tiring and you need a rest, but he doesn't need 4 days rest in a week to get over those 3!

Well said mrsryangosling.

In the 12 hour shift systems I've worked before, it totals 14 X 12 hr shifts in every 28 day period (7 night shifts & 7 day shifts).
So one day off for every shift worked over the year.

It's app 13 cycles of 14, so 182 shifts total (app).

If OPs husband works 3 shifts per week, it works out as roughly 156 shifts total (app).

He's working about 26 shifts short of a standard shift pattern with that set up.
The equivalent of an extra shift every fortnight would make his time up to the equivalent of an actual full time job so not remotely unreasonable or unattainable.

OP will be working school hours from September so whilst it's part time in that respect, the need for childcare costs is gone - if she worked outwith school hours she'd earn more but in real terms she'd be contributing the same financially as she is now.

I think you've had a hard time on here tbh from the 'just work more you freeloading, selfish bitch' brigade - and I say that as someone who has worked full time all my adult life, going back onto shifts when both kids were only 6 months old, with my husband working the same.

You're obviously not happy at the mo OP, and tbh it does seem like the money/debt/working hours are just the surface of it.
All those things aside, are you actually happy in your relationship? Do you feel valued, loved & respected?
Because that's what you should feel, and the very least you deserve.

My post wouldn't load so I've lost my reply. I'm at work so can't re write but just feel now I'm defending myself. I work and hae always worked to the best and more of my ability. I am at my limit. It may not be good enough for someone looking in and I'm sorry if it offends anyone but actually when I was on my own in the little house with my child as a single mum- I managed better. I had the right amount of money to cover bills, my mental health was hugely different and I started to sleep properly again. Sometimes I wonder why I went back to him but I was convinced things would get better and I wanted to provide a family for my child.

To the Poster ( I can't scroll up to see who) but I wouldn't e considering moving if I hadn't thougt about basics - finances and practicalities. My landlady owns the other house, there are no deposits or months rent up front- I of course wouldn't be able to come up with those. I also don't need a removal van. I've moved eigt times and only twice in my life needed a removal van.
Also to the same person- yes there is overtime and it is often covered by agency staff. Both my sister and husband regularly get calls to cover extra shifts and not once has he felt able / wanted to take it. They regualarly work with agency staff themselves. He could join the agency himself maybe
Thanks or helping me bounce it back and forward x

you are also forgetting the debt was mostly though his re training anyway so he should be contributing as he originally agreed to do.

Do agency workers get more £ per hour? Could he move to just do agency or would that be too insecure?

Op your husband sounds like he is some special snowflake who desrves everybody to run after his backside he would stress me too

You are not expecting too much. I would leave a man who refused to provide for our children.

That's what he's doing. You're run ragged and he can't pick up extra shifts cos he's - what? Tired? In need of downtime? Tough. It's called being a parent and a partner.

Lots of luck OP with whatever you decide.