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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have another baby because it will upset my youngest?

22 replies

allthecarbs · 21/08/2016 16:46

I'd love another baby and dh would quite like one too. We have 2 children already.

Dc1 is very independent, always has been.
Dc2 is very very clingy to me. If I'm sitting down he has to be on my knee. If I'm cuddling dh or dc1 he has to be in there and will try push them away. He just wants me all the time and I think it would really upset him if I had a baby that needed lots of attention.

I feel as if I wouldn't be devastated to not have another as I would rather put the children I have first but my sister thinks we are mental to allow a toddler to rule our lives. Aibu?

OP posts:

idontlikealdi · 21/08/2016 16:48

YABU, seriously. What if you end up resenting the youngest years down the line. They won't be clingy forever.

PotatoBread · 21/08/2016 16:49

I agree with your sister

worriedmother1929 · 21/08/2016 16:50

It depends on how you feel. Do you really want another child, or this just trying to find a way to not have one, because you don't want another child? If you really want another one, and this is just a passing phase, then yes, YABU.
If you don't really want another child, and this is just projection, then YANBU. It really depends on how you feel, and if you feel your family is incomplete without another child.

TheWitTank · 21/08/2016 16:50

Yes, it would be ridiculous to let a toddler dictate how things go in your life. Fyi, my sister thought this would be an issue with her 2 1/2 year old. He was very clingy, hated babies, very jealous. New baby sister came along and he ADORES her -she is now one and they are so good together. Not once has there been any issue.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2016 16:54

That is one of the most ridiculous reasons to not have another child if you both really want one

I stopped at two but it had absolutely nothing to do with pandering to the feelz of a kid

Original poster

allthecarbs · 21/08/2016 16:55

I feel satisfied with what I've got but I do love babies and could easily have another.

OP posts:

Amelie10 · 21/08/2016 16:58

Agree with the others. Are you really going to allow a toddler to dictate major decisions.

AmyInTheBoonies · 21/08/2016 16:58

Sounds like he needs you right now, have you got time to give it a few years?

Ideal age gaps for kids are 5 years, not always ideal for parents though.

Arfarfanarf · 21/08/2016 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buntingbingo · 21/08/2016 16:59

My dd2 is exactly how you describe, she has always been so clingy to me. We had dc3 earlier this year. She's never seemed to feel pushed out, there is normal sibling jealousy but she adores the baby. She's still just as clingy and I think she's likely to always be so, it's her personality. I think becoming a big sister has given her confidence though.

NeedACleverNN · 21/08/2016 16:59

Very silly excuse

If you genuinely want abother child, your youngest should not be able to tell you when you can or can't

Cel982 · 21/08/2016 17:00

How old are your children? Lots of toddlers are clingy, but very few of them stay that way forever. My 2.5 year old was very clingy this time last year, and now will push me out the door with a cheery wave if I'm going out without her.
It's very likely that your son will be much less clingy in nine months' time. So yes, YABU, if that's your only reason for not doing something that both you and your partner feel is the right thing otherwise.

mrsfuzzy · 21/08/2016 17:07

if this was an excuse not to have another then fair enough, but as you say you'd like another go ahead, get dc2 involved all the way and the clinging will ease as he is going to be a big brother and needs to help look after 'his' lo as well as mum. hope it all goes well for you

meowli · 21/08/2016 17:09

One of my ds was a real velcro baby/toddler, wanted only me, and was terribly jealous of my next ds (gap 2 yrs) - e.g. used to run up and down the sofa behind me aiming pinches (yes, that is pinches, not punches!) at younger sibling while I was trying to breast-feed!

Now grown up, they have just gone off travelling together for a while and are really good friends. If there are any hiccups, they will be short-lived, I'm sure. I'd go for it, if I were you. (But I'm not, so only you can decide!)

toomuchtooold · 21/08/2016 17:21

If you're considering not doing it in case you upset DC2, YABU - not being the centre of the universe is one of those sad facts that every toddler once needs to make their peace with. If you're considering not doing it because you don't fancy the stress of dealing with a baby along with a clingy toddler, then slightly less U - although DC2 will probably be fine if he's hit 4 by the time DC3 comes along.

Up to you!

dietcokeandwine · 21/08/2016 17:23

It's not about loving babies though op. Or whether your toddler would cope easily or struggle.

Do you want another child? Another person?

Do you feel complete as a family of four, or would you always feel someone was missing if you stuck at two DC?

I mean, I love babies too. I'd have a baby every year if i could, but the little buggers have a habit of growing up

For me, two DC never felt like a finished family, so we had a third, but it was always about wanting that fifth person in the family rather than simply wanting another baby to snuggle (although obviously that bit was lovely!).

If you really want that fifth person in the family then don't let a clingy toddler put you off going for it. But think seriously about whether you really really want three DC. Going from two to three is tougher by far than going from zero to one, or from one to two. I'm 3.5 years in to having three and I'm still slightly gobsmacked at how much harder it is.

WoburnSands · 21/08/2016 17:27

I agree with your sister

DinosaursRoar · 21/08/2016 17:36

Do you think having a clingy toddler has put you off having a 3rd because you don't feel you have the energy for 3 in the way you would if DC2 was as easy as DC1. Do you fear slightly DC3 might be as hard work as DC2 and that would be too much?

My DC1 was a lot easier than DC2, and that did factor in to the "we're done" feeling - innitially I wanted 3, we couldn't afford a 3rd, but after a while I no longer want a 3rd, partly being out of the baby stage, seeing DC1 move on to the next stages and not wanting to have to 'go back' to that, but also just feeling so much more tired with 2DCs, partly because DC2 has been much more clingy, slept badly, been difficult - a DC3 that was like DC1 might be easy to cope with, a DC3 like DC2 would break me!!!

MrsJoeyMaynard · 21/08/2016 18:21

I'm with your sister. This is not the sort of decision to be dictated by the whims of a clingy toddler.

hesterton · 21/08/2016 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoaConstrictor · 21/08/2016 18:40

This was one of the reasons we didn't have a third. A bit of me wonders of it would have given DC2 a bit of a kick up the backside & made him become a bit more independent but I just couldn't see that happening so thought it would be horribly hard work. As well as the impact on DC2, I thought it would put more pressure on DC1 who is, by her nature, kind, helpful, responsible, sensible & well behaved to be even more like that.
We had various other sensible reasons for not having a third but I really hankered after one. We kept postponing having one due to work, health etc. The DC are now 6 & 4 and I am increasingly glad that we never got around to having a third. The last time we seriously discussed it was 2yrs ago when we were still in the midst of nappies, sleepless nights (DS only started sleeping through at 3.8) & that would have just continued whereas we have come out of that now and don't need a pushchair or to factor naps in etc. I just hadn't realised how much more attention DC needed as they got older. Whenever I am ferrying the DC to an after school club or helping DC2 with his phonics/reading (speech delays make this hard work), I am so glad I don't have a little one to feed, entertain, distract at the same time.

CathFromCooberPedy · 21/08/2016 20:43

I actually think yanbu to not go for dc3 if you feel your family dynamics wouldn't work with it. Whether that's a clingy dc2 or a dh who doesn't want it.

Dd2 has changed dd1. We are 11 months in and my old dd1 is slowly coming back but it was a big shock to her little world. I really wanted dc2 so l went for it but it doesn't sound like you really really want dc3 enough for this.

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