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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Negative reaction from 'friends' regarding having an Au Pair

106 replies

midlifehope · 21/08/2016 10:02

We have hired a nice Au Pair from Italy for the month of August to help out with some childcare so I can get some work done over the holidays.

It's worked out ok - with me putting in a lot of effort to settle her, take her places etc. as we live in a rural spot and she can't drive as insurance astronomical. It is not an area where there are many other Au Pairs.Most people rely on various forms of childcare though.

Anyway, some people have been positive, but some of the people I thought were 'friends' have avoided me since she arrived. They've left me out of group activities, And when I have seen them, have given me odd looks, or made comments like:

"Having an au pair is lazy"
"Well you're working at home so you are managing to fit things around the kids" (yeah right, with an 11 mo and a 4 yo).

I can't believe this inverse snobbery. We are not at all rich, but for 1 month this seemed like a good solution and it has been. Why are some 'friends' acting so 'arsey'??

OP posts:

Katherine2626 · 22/08/2016 17:45

Jealousy - and your domestic arrangements are your business, nobody else's. 'Wouldn't give it another thought, except that if anyone is particularly nasty I would have a serious think about that friendship.

KingLooieCatz · 22/08/2016 18:03

Holiday au pair is a great idea. I could no way have worked from home when DS was that age.

SapphireStrange · 22/08/2016 18:04

Headofthieves, 'friends' are saying things like 'Having an au pair is lazy' and you don't think they're being nasty?

Would you say something like that to a friend?

OP, they're not friends. Spend your time with nicer people.

Sara107 · 22/08/2016 18:36

If you're working at home you're working not looking after children. This is absolutely explicit in my company t+c s for working from home, so of course you have to have childcare! It sounds to me like a great solution, I also didn't know you could get an au-pair for such a short period. A childminders would be more expensive and might not take on the kids for just a month. You also sound like you are treating her well, you do hear some awful stories where the poor girls are used as slave labour. I can't imagine why your friends are snitty, I'ld probably be trying to poach her from you!!

AppleSetsSail · 22/08/2016 18:53

If you're working at home you're working not looking after children. This is absolutely explicit in my company t+c s for working from home, so of course you have to have childcare!

The confused posters who can't grasp this are merely sexist dinosaurs who imagine the OP has a little business selling doilies.

toonix · 22/08/2016 18:56

Hi I am also wondering how you went about finding an au pair for just a month because I think it's a brilliant idea, the only thing is I sometimes have to be away overnights so not sure if that's allowed

motherinferior · 22/08/2016 19:00

When my children were preschoolers a few people - including some of my clients - seemed to think I worked four days a week with my children around me, because I am based from home. And I still get into arguments on MN with people who think it is possible to work - properly work, not 'get a bit of work done' with kids around.

The clue is in the word 'work'. I couldn't 'manage my family', whatever that means, because I have deadlines and interviews and generally all the stuff that lots of people do in offices but I happen to do in an office based in my house. And don't get me started on the assumptions I spent part of my working day doing housework...

motherinferior · 22/08/2016 19:01

Headofthehive55 · 22/08/2016 19:05

sapphire yes I think that's nasty, but I don't think failing to meet up is nasty.

SapphireStrange · 22/08/2016 19:08

The failing to meet up isn't my concern; the horrible comments are. Assuming these are the same friends, they are being nasty.

EnquiringMingeWantsToKnow · 22/08/2016 19:11

Some au pairs are exploited. Maybe even the majority. I've even heard people talking about "live out au pairs" which is simply code for "I can't afford to pay the minimum wage and I'm trying to convince myself and my exploited employee that this is in some way OK".

So if all you knew about someone was that they had an au pair then maybe you'd mark them down as possibly immoral. But if you already actually know someone and count them as a friend then why on earth would you assume that they're a bad employer?

And as for it being "lazy" to employ someone else to look after your pre-schoolers while you work - if you think you can do a solid day's desk job while in sole care of a 1 year old and a 4 year old, every day for weeks at a time, then I'd think you had a pretty shit standard of parenting. (I have myself been known to WFH in extremis while a contagious child lies on the sofa dozing, watching Peppa Pig and eating microwave pizza. It's low quality parenting but for a one off single day it won't do them any harm).

Policom123 · 22/08/2016 19:57

Same here, I was asking some so called friends to watch my kids once or 2 a week for only a hour between DH come back from work and at end they was bitching that I was taking too much ( one particular ) so I got a nanny for the kids, no one never said anything about, but I noticed they look me like I am up my nose, one particular mother ( she pays childminder for 2) told me about oh I wouldn't trust a teenager with my kids! I never spoke with her again, but I told her at moment that is my personal choice and I rather have someone at my house watching only my kids than they out at someone house! Considering a au pair next year! With agency u guys get them from ?

GaniyaI · 22/08/2016 20:31

It's just jealousy plain and simple . Women tend to frown on people who do things the easier way because they see it as taking short cuts.

usernameinfinito · 22/08/2016 21:01

Definitely jealousy. Get new friends OP.

MindfulBear · 22/08/2016 21:21

In my job you are not allowed to wfh unless you have childcare arranged. And it would be unprofessional to lie about it.

LondonDove · 22/08/2016 21:33

You've got to be kidding. Work is work wherever you do it. Would you be able to take the two pre-schoolers into an office and work with them there? That's effectively what you're saying to the OP whose office just happens to be at home. Would you say this to a man? This smells like trolling to me - you're being deliberately provocative to get a kick out of the reactions. Grow up.

Mjingaxx · 22/08/2016 21:34

Women tend to frown on people who do things the easier way because they see it as taking short cuts

This is sexist bullshit gan

LondonDove · 22/08/2016 21:35

My last post was to the user who make snarky comments about looking down his/her nose at you for not managing children and a job at the same time. I'm not so good with how Mumsnet works! Sorry OP.

funkky · 22/08/2016 22:21

A bit strange how people think. grew up in Nigeria and parents had paid help as it's kind of the norm and only way anyone could work and have kids( not a welfare country where you can sit at home and get benefits)
Cue living in the UK, I have had au pairs and Nannies and im very shocked at the kind of comments I've got from women and men.
A man said to me your child is probably more comfortable with your nanny than you;
Or I could never have kids if I couldn't look after them. makes me . These were both from divorced people not even living with their children.

Original poster

midlifehope · 22/08/2016 23:05

Funky - gosh there are some eediots out there to say things like that!

For those asking I went to aupair.com though AupairWorld is more popular I think. The benefit of having someone just in August is that they can be students so there is a bigger pool to choose from.

This has been a refreshing experience in weeding out false friends, anyways. Thanks again for all the reassuring replies

OP posts:

Daisies123 · 23/08/2016 08:00

In my previous job if you wanted to work from home even for just one day you had to sign an agreement covering various things, including that you must have childcare in place for the hours you would be working.

Fran1311 · 23/08/2016 09:40

Try not to worry about what so called "friends" think. It's your life, your money, and you are doing this so you can get on with your work which helps financially. Ignore them, be pleasant but find some more genuine friends.

Original poster

midlifehope · 23/08/2016 15:24

Thanks Fran1311

OP posts:

ShteakandShpuds · 23/08/2016 16:36

It's very common to have au pairs where I live as most of my friends are farmers and several mums work in non farming jobs so they need the flexible childcare.
I love meeting the new au pairs when we have play dates. They're usually really bright and interesting girls and one family usually choose a male au pair for their autistic son and they've all been cough cough, rather fit!
The posters saying they only want to socialise with other mums seem a bit blinkered and short sighted to me. As we live rurally, it's great for my son to meet youngsters from other countries.
In fact, one of the German girls from two years ago still sends us Christmas cards, even though I'm not the host family. Another still visits her host family annually as she has become more like a family member to them.

Having one for a month is a brilliant idea. If I could afford to, I would because I think exposing children to influences outside of your own little world is very enriching.

QuietTiger · 23/08/2016 17:02

I think an Au-pair is a bloody brilliant idea.

I am at home, currently trying to work obviously not working because I'm actually on MN and also entertain DD (20 months) because she's not at nursery today. I have managed to get the square root of fuck-all done, as she decided that today would be the one day she didn't want her nap. DD is in nursery 3 days a week because I wouldn't be able to do my "normal" chasing sheep on a quad bike with the dogs working from home job if she were here.

Bollocks to your friends. Do what works for you.

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