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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Negative reaction from 'friends' regarding having an Au Pair

106 replies

midlifehope · 21/08/2016 10:02

We have hired a nice Au Pair from Italy for the month of August to help out with some childcare so I can get some work done over the holidays.

It's worked out ok - with me putting in a lot of effort to settle her, take her places etc. as we live in a rural spot and she can't drive as insurance astronomical. It is not an area where there are many other Au Pairs.Most people rely on various forms of childcare though.

Anyway, some people have been positive, but some of the people I thought were 'friends' have avoided me since she arrived. They've left me out of group activities, And when I have seen them, have given me odd looks, or made comments like:

"Having an au pair is lazy"
"Well you're working at home so you are managing to fit things around the kids" (yeah right, with an 11 mo and a 4 yo).

I can't believe this inverse snobbery. We are not at all rich, but for 1 month this seemed like a good solution and it has been. Why are some 'friends' acting so 'arsey'??

OP posts:
KondosSecretJunkRoom · 21/08/2016 15:26

And I work a lot from home. And I would do this in a heartbeat, why the hell not? Working with the kids under your feet is a pain and hopelessly inefficient. And I would give not one shiny shite about the critics.

Well played wildlife.

Original poster
midlifehope · 21/08/2016 16:17

Hold me - she's only doing 8am-1pm and she gets free board, and £85 pw, all meals and time to travel and do her own thing. I'm not exploiting her - she said she's enjoying it and doesn't want to go home yet :)

She's not in sole charge as I'm just in the other room upstairs, so I'm on hand if there are any issues and she's very sensible.

Headofthieves - that did also cross my mind - they think we're busy. That's a charitable explanation. I guess different friends may have different reasons. But ppl have made me realise this is a great way to sort out the wheat from the chaff, friend wise! :)

OP posts:
Mummaaaaaah · 21/08/2016 16:20

I might look at you a bit askance for working from home, and still not being able to manage the family to the extent you need to hire help; I'd think you were snobby and a bit lazy, sorry.

For gods sake. She's WORKING FROM HOME not a SAHM. You can't WFH and give either work or the children their full attention. This comment makes my blood boil. I WFH on a Friday and my husband assumes I'm just lounging about but it's a job. You can't do both

Grrrrrrrr

Original poster
midlifehope · 21/08/2016 16:20

September I hope you have someome to help out after your section - you'll need at least 6 weeks of taking it easy afterwards so your scar can heal. Good luck in finding some support xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 21/08/2016 16:55

Also when I was the Au Pair's age, I did a similarly 'paid' job as a campsite rep in a place near where the Au Pair comes from, so there's a strange symmetry in it Grin. At that age, I did not mind the lowish pay as I was being independent and seeing the world a bit!

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 21/08/2016 17:13

user - why would you think that someone working from home doesn't need childcare for a 11month old and 4 year old? Genuine question because it baffles me that so many people do seem to think that you can both work at an adequate level and look after babies at the same time. What do you mean by "manage the family" without needing hired help, surely if you are working you need someone else to be caring for the pre-school DCs, even if you work from home rather than in an office elsewhere?

When I worked after having DC1 the other half of my job share had a bad habit of "working from home" when her toddler was sick rather than her or her DH taking a day leave/unpaid leave, usually that meant my next day in would be hideous as she'd have done fuck all and/or made lots of mistakes I'd have to sort out, when she was in the office she was very good - funnily enough her DH couldn't work from home and look after the toddler as he had to concentrate. Always wanted to scream, so do you love, but management allowed it. (rant over)

AppleSetsSail · 21/08/2016 19:39

I wouldn't be jealous in the slightest, but depending on what you do, I might look at you a bit askance for working from home, and still not being able to manage the family to the extent you need to hire help; I'd think you were snobby and a bit lazy, sorry. Depends how you're saying it, too; is it possible they think you're trying to portray yourselves as being above them because you have an au-pair?

You're a bit confused about what 'working from home' means. I work from home and I could do a bad job of both caring for an 11 month old and working for maybe half of my day; the other half of the day I'd have to lock the 11 month old away so that she would not be heard on conference calls.

LittleBearPad · 21/08/2016 19:48

What an odd point of view about working from home. The day is spent working. It's not pretending to work whilst actually looking after children.

Last day I worked from home I was at my computer all day writing a report. I made myself a quick sandwich and ate it working. I wouldn't have been able to do childcare too.

AppleSetsSail · 21/08/2016 19:51

Yes, I'm chortling at the notion of the OP being above her station by hiring someone to look after 2 under-5s while she works.

Bobochic · 21/08/2016 19:54

IME, DC with nannies/au pairs socialse with other DC with nannies/au pairs and DC with SAHMs socialise with DC with SAHMs. If you are expecting your DC to go to group activities with your SAHM friends accompanied by the au pair, YABVU.

AppleSetsSail · 21/08/2016 20:00

If you are expecting your DC to go to group activities with your SAHM friends accompanied by the au pair, YABVU.

Obviously it's not as fun for her SAHM-friends to hang out with the OP's au pair as it is her, but when my children were young my friends always made an effort to know my nanny and vice versa. Unless you're an extreme introvert this shouldn't be a major issue, it's just life with children.

These women are just borrowing trouble.

Mjingaxx · 21/08/2016 20:38

I totally disagree Apple.

I am an LP and work full-time. I'll be buffered if I am going to spend my free time with someone's au pair....Why on earth would anyone want to do that??

AppleSetsSail · 21/08/2016 20:49

You couldn't tolerate an au pair in a group activity? Why?

Mjingaxx · 21/08/2016 21:03

Oh, I don't do group activities. I meet up with 1 or 2 friends. I wouldn't met up with an au pair so that the kids can spend time together. I would choose to met up with an adult I wanted to spend time with

Maybe, if people are meeting in groups, it is different

Original poster
midlifehope · 21/08/2016 21:16

I am with the kids in the afternoons, so I'm talking about friends meeting up with me, although the Au Pair may be with me during meet-ups as I generally give her the option and she has usually tagged along, to the cinema, to a theatre show etc., with a coffee at a (nice) mates house afterwards.

OP posts:
HornyTortoise · 21/08/2016 21:28

Jealousy, plain and simple. I would LOVE to be able to afford something like this but I can't. Wouldn't bitch on at friends who can though. One of my mates gets grief for having a cleaner 3 days a week, an hour twice and 2 hours on the third day...

Phineyj · 21/08/2016 22:20

I think it is a shame how many people would automatically rule out wanting to meet this young Italian - she sounds enterprising and interesting! (Can you tell I work FT and hated mummy meet ups...) YANBU.

Headofthehive55 · 21/08/2016 23:41

I think most of us are busy. So if I meet up with au pair that means my chance to have a coffee with a friend has gone that week.

Bobochic · 22/08/2016 08:15

I hated friends showing up to mother-and-children meet ups with their nanny or au pair in tow. It totally changed the dynamics of the party!

DinosaursRoar · 22/08/2016 08:19

While I do think YANBU to hire an au pair while you work, I do think yabu to bring her along to meet ups with friends, particularly if no one else is bringing along other friends outside the group. It'll change the dynamic of the group.

Giving her a lift into town with you is fine, but don't try to force her on your friendship group.

Cathaka15 · 22/08/2016 08:26

Would love an au pair. My aunty had had an au pair for my cousins when we were younger. When I would visit we had a great time with her. She was lovely and would spend so much time playing and taking us out to swimming. She was also a great help to aunty who would be able to get on with other work while she took care of the children. She did have to try out a few as some were not a right fit. But overall a positive experience for her family. Just ignore your friends. it's absolutely not laziness to hire an au pair.

FurkinA · 22/08/2016 08:57

The comments are arseholey however I only meet up and stay with people who I am friends with so I'd find it quite rude actually to send someone else instead (dh, your mum, an aupair, anyone but you)

HermioneJeanGranger · 22/08/2016 09:05

I think they probably find that the au-pair changes the dynamics. It's a bit like someone bringing their teenager along to lunch. Why would you invite her along to lunch with your friends? Confused

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/08/2016 09:12

I think that the PERCEPTION of an au pair is often someone who is working for peanuts and exploited, and decent au pair employers get tarred with the same brush. Many au pairs have a wonderful time, learn English, have fun and are truly part of the family, but others are basically slave labour - paid peanuts, but not allowed to eat with the family etc. Hopefully when your friends see that you are a decent employer, they will stop judging.

CoraPirbright · 22/08/2016 09:45

I am not sure its jealousy - I think inverted snobbery might be closer to it. Its my guess that they think you are getting ideas above you station by having paid help.

Whatever - they are twats. A real friend would say "an au pair? Ooh that sounds like an interesting/clever/brilliant idea - how's that going to work then?" or something. And then support you in your choice, not blank you. Still, as other pps have said, quite a useful arsehole-ometer.