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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Negative reaction from 'friends' regarding having an Au Pair

106 replies

midlifehope · 21/08/2016 10:02

We have hired a nice Au Pair from Italy for the month of August to help out with some childcare so I can get some work done over the holidays.

It's worked out ok - with me putting in a lot of effort to settle her, take her places etc. as we live in a rural spot and she can't drive as insurance astronomical. It is not an area where there are many other Au Pairs.Most people rely on various forms of childcare though.

Anyway, some people have been positive, but some of the people I thought were 'friends' have avoided me since she arrived. They've left me out of group activities, And when I have seen them, have given me odd looks, or made comments like:

"Having an au pair is lazy"
"Well you're working at home so you are managing to fit things around the kids" (yeah right, with an 11 mo and a 4 yo).

I can't believe this inverse snobbery. We are not at all rich, but for 1 month this seemed like a good solution and it has been. Why are some 'friends' acting so 'arsey'??

OP posts:

IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 21/08/2016 11:30

It happened to my friend, she was a single mum working two jobs. Some so called friends were nasty or just avoided her, once she'd hired and au pair.

It was fine in the long run though, as it sorted the wheat from the chaff. Leaving her with genuine nice friends.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 21/08/2016 11:34

Tell them you're thinking of getting a second au pair so your kids can have even more 1 on 1 time.

septembersunshine · 21/08/2016 11:34

Good on you for sorting out your childcare. We have a 4th DC due in 4 days and no family have offered to come and help. No one is coming. We are relying on a babysitter to look after our other 3 DC while I am having a section. I would love help like this over the summer and good on you for getting it! Sometimes people have to pay for childcare and it's a good solution to childcare problems. I would just ignore these 'friends' they sound jealous and very rude!!

Ifiwasabadger · 21/08/2016 11:42

We've got a nanny and the jealousy that has come up ut of the woodwork is immense.

Enjoy your lovely au pair and ignore them!

Hope34 · 21/08/2016 11:57

Ignore them, as the others have said, they are jealous...its just 1 month.

You have very young kids who need a lot of attention and its good for you to have time for yourself, even if its not work!

Go have a coffee in the local cafe and read a book/the newspaper.....your friends would love that!

We had an au pair for 3 months whilst I was studying (I have a 3 and 4 year old) there was no way I would have passed those exams without her, she was an extra pair of hands and the kids cried when she left... She was such a great part of the family, she is coming for a holiday soon!

Make full use of this time, which I bet you are doing

Good for you

Mittensonastring · 21/08/2016 12:10

Jealousy.

I mentioned I had a cleaner in a conversation at work, I was working PT at the time. One person got a bit funny about it so I made a point of mentioning my cleaner as often as possible to the person that was an arse and made sure she knew that I liked to spend my time off doing leisure activities. Maybe that made me an arse but I really didn't care.

Original poster

midlifehope · 21/08/2016 12:16

Rubies, she is pretty, but not flirty - either in attitude or intention. I may be naive, but I hadn't even considered they might be jealous. It's not like I've got a servant doing everything - I cook for her every eve, take her out, buy her the odd meal out when we're eating out (within the limitations of my small budget), make sure she is happy and talk to her at length over dinner about her uni and life dilemmas, so it is really an 'exchage' and there have been a few hiccups, like ds, testing her boundaries etc. But overall it has done the job and I'm pleased. Thanks for the lovely advice on here. I can now, as ppl have said, see who my genuine friends are (the ones that have made an effort to ask us over nevertheless) and the ones, who I should think twice about.

OP posts:

tighterthanscrooge · 21/08/2016 12:22

When I was growing up we had two aupairs living with us so to me it's very normal. Please don't listen to these people they are not friends to act like this

Headofthehive55 · 21/08/2016 12:38

For me you and your children would come in the category of busy, like when you have relations staying - I wouldn't invite others over and neither would I intrude into some one else's family if they already got either an au pair or relations staying.

We have play dates where it's my time off too, so I wish to combine chatting with a friend and my children playing. If I were to use up that opportunity I would have less to see my own friends.

Headofthehive55 · 21/08/2016 12:39

So I don't think people are being nasty.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 21/08/2016 13:32

Au pairs aren't supposed to work full time so perhaps rather than being jealous they're judging you for paying far under the minimum wage for such an important job?

(I'm sure you're not one of those dreadful people who pay slave wages to have an unskilled teenager care for their children, and you're paying a fair wage. But where I'm from, people like that are frighteningly common - to the point that it's acceptable to brag about how little you pay them - and maybe they've assumed you're THAT sort of au pair employer.)

Again, not trying to imply anything - I'm sure you're paying a fair wage.

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2016 13:41

I'd ask them straight out to be honest.

I think jealousy might be a lazy assumption, as not everyone would cope well with a stranger staying in their house for a month, and with possible language difficulties/having to drive them around etc.

Can you not just tell them you've noticed a change in them and ask why?

DinosaursRoar · 21/08/2016 13:49

OP - it does seem from many a thread on here and in real life, a lot of people view a man working from home to mean that the house must be quiet, children kept out of the home as much as possible, and he's seriously working, whereas a woman working from home is actually a stay-at-home-mum and not actually doing a job that requires more attention than a few minutes checking their computer now and then. If you are a woman working from home, you are 'lucky' as you don't need childcare, because obviously looking after children takes no time or effort - you only need childcare if you aren't physically there.

So you are being lazy by hiring an au pair when you don't 'need' childcare as you are at home and therefore could look after your DCs yourself. Or just working from 7pm - midnight and of course that's when WFH woman do their work, not actually say, 9am - 5pm.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 21/08/2016 13:55

I've never heard of this before what a strange reason to end a friendship! Weird people indeed, I agree they probably feel jealous.

wannabestressfree · 21/08/2016 13:58

Holdmecloser..... Passive aggressive much?

Mjingaxx · 21/08/2016 14:01

I have a bit of a different perspective, but I will say upfront that I am an inverse snob. I don't have many friends who have had au pairs. I have a few friends who have worked as au pairs. On the whole au pairs are not treated well ime. A lot is expected of them for very little return. I would not feel jealous of someone who has an au pair at all. But it might make me view you differently

I wouldn't want to meet up with your kids and the au pair, because my time is precious. I want to spend it with my friends, not my friends hired help

TotallySpies17 · 21/08/2016 14:02

DinosaursRaw
Your assumptions about working from home are naive. I work from home and cannot have the kids here whole I'm working! Maybe in some jobs but not mine and I'm sure many others too. I have meetings here, important phone calls and hue amounts of work in my study- it's not fair on me or my children for them to be home in the background and they need good and stimulating childcare as much as any other children of working parents.

TotallySpies17 · 21/08/2016 14:03

And I can't pick and choose my hours. I work half from home and half out the house but it's 9-4 most days and some evenings

Mummaaaaaah · 21/08/2016 14:04

I've had numerous au pairs (last one was a disaster but that's another story) and i had a mixed response from the school mums. Most were pretty appreciative of my need for some help with school run and a bit of children's laundry etc as I'm the only one who works FT and commutes (over an hour) into London every day. But there were definitely a couple who were a bit snooty. I've now decided to get a local nanny to help out and am imagining this will get a better reception for some reason. But I think this is again an issue of au pairs seen as slave labour (none of ours were. they were well paid, integrated into the family, great room, food and family time, plus a car). And also some people are judgemental about leaving kids with an untrained teenager (I only had 25 and over with previous childcare experience which worked well until the last one but anyway).

So, there could be a myriad of reasons. But you've made a decision on what's best for you and your family and anyone who wants to get judgypants about that should just shove off. IMHO!!

Thetruthfairy · 21/08/2016 14:27

Totally spies... I think you have misread dinosaur roar's post.

TotallySpies17 · 21/08/2016 14:46

I have- sorry Dinosaur it's been a long week working and I work with some misogynistic arseholes so I read what my tired and cross brain wanted to read!

user1471428758 · 21/08/2016 15:06

I wouldn't be jealous in the slightest, but depending on what you do, I might look at you a bit askance for working from home, and still not being able to manage the family to the extent you need to hire help; I'd think you were snobby and a bit lazy, sorry. Depends how you're saying it, too; is it possible they think you're trying to portray yourselves as being above them because you have an au-pair?

It's your money to spend as you like, of course, but you can't help what people are going to think of that.

Dozer · 21/08/2016 15:11

I thought au pairs couldn't be in sole charge of under twos?

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 21/08/2016 15:20

Why have I never thought of this? I had NO IDEA that you could get an au pair for just one or two months or that they would au pair (is it a verb?) somewhere that wasn't a big city centre. I am envious too. Maybe your friends are as petty as I am?

TiverMeShimbers · 21/08/2016 15:24

Weird - we've got an aupair for the first time this summer and anyone I've mentioned it to has just seemed interested in where they are from, how they're coping and how long they're here for.
Not a single person has said anything negative....well not to my face anyway!

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