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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reception only invite

87 replies

spongebobsquarepoos · 20/08/2016 22:48

AIBU at a reception only invite to a wedding? This wouldn't even be a question - I've been to evenings only before and thought it was fine - but this is one of my best friends. We lived together several times, met at uni and lived together then, are still very close and have known both him and his fiance for around 10 years. Am also pals with his fiance, although they live in seperate cities at the moment because of work and haven't seen her for a few years. He's one of my best friends and I his. He also mentioned there's around 70 people going to the ceremony - not just family. I know it's childish but I feel seriously pissed off. Am I BU to feel like it's a bit of a diss? We haven't fallen out and he recently encouraged me to look at jobs in his area - I'm planning a move. He's also been my plus one for several other weddings. I will have to book a hotel as I'm travelling some way to attend and he's told me just a week before hand there's a theme for the dress code, so I have to buy a new outfit too. He also gave me the wrong invite by accident, for someone who WAS invited to the ceremony and wedding breakfast. Then apologised as I'm just an evening guest. I feel rather annoyed. Tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 21/08/2016 00:37

Dress codes at weddings...
If you ignore "please wear only black or white" and turn up wearing navy, do they not let you in ?

Bogeyface · 21/08/2016 00:51

Bogeyface - at which point did this thread become yours?

As others have said, I was just pointing out that on thinking about it, I realised that the guest list was the wife and not the husbands thing. I mentioned the "I would fit in in London" thing to illustrate that she is London centric. Her husband once said that she refuses to visit his family in our home town because she has the view that anywhere that isnt either London or the capital city of the EU country she is from is some sort of 70's timewarp. I suspect that the only reason H and another friend was invited to their wedding was because the husband wanted them in the wedding party.

panegyricS1 · 21/08/2016 00:56

Rightly or wrongly, I think that the bride is putting her foot down about your friendship. Your relationship with him won't be the same in future, things have evolved. Everyone is moving on. It's sad but it's life. Of course yanbu to feel low.

Tbh I don't see the point in spending time or money going to a party for a few hours where you'll probably be unlikely to spend much time with him, especially given that your friendship will now be more casual.

And....Even if we're all wrong about the bride's discomfort about you, it's still poor etiquette to ask someone to travel for the evening party only.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 21/08/2016 00:58

Dress codes at weddings are awful. It's another extension of the B&G being very self obsessed and attempting to control every single element of the day- I hate being told what to wear. If you invite me to your wedding expect me to wear a colour that I like and something which suits me. Probably something that's already bought and paid for in my wardrobe. Do not expect me to buy a hot pink dress just so you can have some naff photos.

DixieWishbone · 21/08/2016 01:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazeimcgee · 21/08/2016 01:10

What is the dress code?? I didn't know people did that at weddings

I'd be a bit offended so don't thibk YABU - I'd mention i'm sad i won't get to see him marry. If there's other people there you know or can take a plus one i'd still go and enjoy the night away

MistressDeeCee · 21/08/2016 01:43

I think its likely the bride. But also that whilst you may view him as a good friend, even a best friend, perhaps he doesn't view you in that way. Either way if his wife to be (possibly) thinks the 2 of you are too close and doesn't want you at the wedding itself, then not much you can do about it unfortunately. I doubt he will argue that you should be there, he will put her 1st

I suspect your friendship will drift after his marriage anyway. Perhaps he talks about you a lot and her nose is out of joint/she's fed up of it

& for all you know he could have had the "yeah she fancies/fancied me" the big "I Am" chat with her, in the past. I don't put it past men to do that kind of thing to make themselves appear sought after, in a way. Then when gfriend doesn't want a woman around who has her sights on her man, gfriend gets the blame and said man gets away with it without having to explain himself as you are just phased out

Or even that he assumed you did fancy him, since he was your +1 at weddings etc, as opposed to say you inviting your own partner, or a woman friend at times

In your shoes Id decline very politely with a genuine sounding excuse, then have a nice day to myself doing something nice/pampering, and not focus or the wedding or snub.

Its different times for you and he both now, marriage changes the dynamics may not be entirely fair but I guess we often find life is that way, not fair at all at times

wizzywig · 21/08/2016 02:06

Whats the dress code op?

manicinsomniac · 21/08/2016 02:23

I think, for a friend that close, I would express the hurt and ask, in a non confrontational way, for the reasons. It could be anything or nothing but it sounds like a conversation that should be had. He should have initiated it, especially when he changed the invite!

YANBU to be very upset.

puglife15 · 21/08/2016 02:23

I agree with PP.

She feels threatened by you or dislikes you on some level. I can't think of another reason.

Yanbu to be pissed off. I wouldn't go.

In fact I'd interpret the invite as "please don't come". They don't want you there at all, but politically don't want the fall out of giving you no invite whatsoever...

Bogeyface · 21/08/2016 02:26

I would find it very hard to not send a message along the lines of "I am sure that X will be thrilled to know that I will not be attending the evening celebration of your wedding. I hope that it goes well and that you have a very happy life together" No kisses.

DandelionAndBedrock · 21/08/2016 02:58

I don't think she wants you there.

I would decline, using the excuse of distance/expense, and then think of the best present ever, either something really personal (and ideally based on an in-joke between you and him), or something she would genuinely love that would then make her feel guilty. Passive aggressive behaviour always cheers me up.

Damselindestress · 21/08/2016 03:17

It was really rude to invite you to the full event and then change it to evening only. I wouldn't go to all the effort and expense of travelling and buying a special new outfit to suit the theme for an evening do! The couple sound thoughtless and selfish. YANBU.

Arkhamasylum · 21/08/2016 08:05

You know, your friendship is with the groom. It's not his fiancee's job to preserve it. If you've been 'downgraded' to evening only and it WAS her idea, he should have either argued your case or explained this to you.

I would ask him, OP. Giving a full day invite by mistake, then replacing it with an evening one is rotten behaviour. If he doesn't have a good explanation, tell him you've reciprocated by downgrading him to a 'wear what I like' 'not paying for a hotel' acceptance.

Macauley · 21/08/2016 08:22

This is hurtful yanbu. This happened to me with my friend who I thought was my best friend and like a brother to me. All of our friendship group were invited to the whole day except me, it really hurt.

wheresthel1ght · 21/08/2016 08:35

My best friend in the world was only invited to the ceremony and then the evening reception. We are still the very best of friends!

We were limited to the number of people we could have at the meal and both myself and my exh have large families. The only friends that were at the meal were part of the wedding party (she had declined to be bridesmaid as she doesn't like being at the centre of attention)

If you are close friends I would suggest acting like it and have a chat with him.

ThePinkOcelot · 21/08/2016 08:37

I would find this very hurtful. So much so, I just wouldn't bother going. YADNBU!

ThoraGruntwhistle · 21/08/2016 08:47

I wouldn't be able to see it as anything other than a snub. If you're not important enough to be at the ceremony, why put yourself out to get to the reception? Very much a note of 'we don't really want you here, but thought we'd throw you a bone anyway.'

RowenaDahl · 21/08/2016 08:48

I wouldn't go because I know I wouldn't enjoy it as I would be seething all night.

Your relationship will probably change with him now. It's frustrating but don't hang onto him too tightly. Things change. People move on. Let him come to you if he wants to.

Similar thing happened to me with a female friend. We were very close and had worked together. Tried very hard to maintain the friendship despite being upset by various things that she did/didn't do. I never see her now. I just accept that the relationship has run its course now. I look back and think I didn't deserve some of it, but hey ho, I have quite a few other lovely friends.

Trifleorbust · 21/08/2016 08:51

I hate evening only invitations. I think they are basically rude when directed at anyone other than casual acquaintances and colleagues. To send a second class invite to a friend is bound to cause bad feeling.

OP, I would be inclined to leave it. If you think there is a deeper reason behind it, wait and see whether your friendship changes after the wedding and bring it up then. If you really feel that strongly about the evening invitation, decline it.

Asoiaf · 21/08/2016 08:54

This happened to me and I was convinced it was because his fiancee didn't like me. All our mutual friends had been invited to the ceremony and wedding breakfast. It was so odd given the history that I asked directly (although awkwardly) and it turned out I got the wrong type of invite. He was mortified and assured me I was invited to the whole day. Just a thought. Wouldn't have believed it if it had happened to someone else!

MummyAlltam · 21/08/2016 08:54

Its a wedding. Weddings are stressful. Guests don't always get what they want, which is right as its not your day. If you live far away and haven't been as close as you used to then maybe they felt they have friends and family who are more important.
Maybe it is the bride being uncomfortable with you there, she must think more of you than you thought, or he does... but either way respect their decision.
Im assuming your not married and you haven't had to decide who gets to go to what and when. Its hard and not taken lightly. They obviously want you to be involved and if it means a new dress and a hotel room then you should be there if they are that important to you.

bigbuttons · 21/08/2016 08:57

OP, if you are that close to him then ask him.

OliviaStabler · 21/08/2016 08:58

I'd ask him. Just say that you were hurt not to be invited to the ceremony and wondered why that was.

Weddings are a minefield and you do not know what has gone on behind the scenes. This could be a strategic power play from the bride to be to show you that you are not important to her and her fiancée. The mother of the bride might not believe you and the fiancée are / were platonic so she pressured the bride to make you an evening only guest.

Best to get it out into the open. However, unless there is a really good reason for you not to be invited to the ceremony, then I would not go to the evening event.

sweetpeaandroses · 21/08/2016 09:02

Sorry, it's a snub.
Far too much hassle to buy a new outfit, travel and be a second class guest. I'd politely decline but send a nice gift through guilt.

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