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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reception only invite

87 replies

spongebobsquarepoos · 20/08/2016 22:48

AIBU at a reception only invite to a wedding? This wouldn't even be a question - I've been to evenings only before and thought it was fine - but this is one of my best friends. We lived together several times, met at uni and lived together then, are still very close and have known both him and his fiance for around 10 years. Am also pals with his fiance, although they live in seperate cities at the moment because of work and haven't seen her for a few years. He's one of my best friends and I his. He also mentioned there's around 70 people going to the ceremony - not just family. I know it's childish but I feel seriously pissed off. Am I BU to feel like it's a bit of a diss? We haven't fallen out and he recently encouraged me to look at jobs in his area - I'm planning a move. He's also been my plus one for several other weddings. I will have to book a hotel as I'm travelling some way to attend and he's told me just a week before hand there's a theme for the dress code, so I have to buy a new outfit too. He also gave me the wrong invite by accident, for someone who WAS invited to the ceremony and wedding breakfast. Then apologised as I'm just an evening guest. I feel rather annoyed. Tell me I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 20/08/2016 23:45

If you really are that close then I suggest you ask him why you are evening only and explain how hurt you are.

Or, could be that he doesnt view as his best friend in the way you do with him.

And people change and move on, H was very hurt last year when his very close friend, who was Godfather to H's eldest child, didnt even tell H his twins were being baptised much less invite him to the ceremony. It has made H realise that their friendship is not what it used to be.

MiddleClassProblem · 20/08/2016 23:45

I'd do the old

"It's such a shame I won't see you actually getting married, hope you have a lovely ceremony"

Any chance his fiancé has a large family?

Nedisabloodydonkey · 20/08/2016 23:46

I would ask him why I think. It is a snub especially after being given the wrong invite.

Whether the bride is stunning or not bears no relevance to the possibility of her being jealous. Just because you never felt a tingle for him....maybe he was more invested and she realised that. Maybe you are funnier, cooler, warmer than her.

Is there any chance you may be clashing with another guest? Could an ex of yours be there?

But yeah, ask him. Tell him you were hurt and surprised. You don't have to pick a fight but it does seem unkind and not to tally with your friendship.

HeddaGarbled · 20/08/2016 23:47

I don't think that you are being ridiculous at all. This is a definite snub. Sounds like you are not as important to him as he is to you.

Did he appear at all embarrassed or apologetic about giving you the wrong invitation and then rescinding it. That seems almost deliberately nasty, or at least incredibly insensitive and uncaring.

Yeah, and bollocks to special outfits for the evening do. Bloody cheek.

roasted · 20/08/2016 23:48

One of my close friends only invited me to the evening do. Before I had a chance to process this, he explained exactly why (limited numbers, family only). The fact that your "close" friend hasn't done the same for you suggests either he doesn't view you as close anymore and/or the bride doesn't particularly like you.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but you should probably adjust your expectations of this friendship.

Nedisabloodydonkey · 20/08/2016 23:49

And sorry this has happened. I have had a several occasions when I realised I was no where near as important to a person as they were to me. It is very painful. More so than relationship breakups I found.

MySisterTotallyIs · 20/08/2016 23:54

I wasn't invited at all to a close male friends wedding. The excuse given by his now XW was the size of both families and that I couldn't have been asked without asking the whole group... but I knew that she inexplicably saw me as a threat even though I had known him for a decade before they even met and saw him as a sibling.

They didn't last the distance, but she effectively phased me out as a friend in the process, bride to be could be similarly threatened

Bogeyface · 20/08/2016 23:57

Actually, thinking about it I do think that the christening thing was down to the wife. She faintly disapproves of his non London friends, as far as she is concerned, his life is there now and all their friends are there too. I only met her once but she told me that I should consider moving to London and I would fit right in. H's friend told me that that was the greatest compliment she gives anyone :o

GingerbreadGingerbread · 21/08/2016 00:02

70 people isn't a big wedding that's 35 couples so 17 couples on each side. So if you think of it as he had 17 couples he could invite to the ceremony (including himself and family) does that make it seem less offensive to you? Does he have a big family?

I wonder if his fiancé has a hand in this it sounds as though you're not very close to her and sometimes if brides family pay for the majority of the wedding sometimes they (IMO wrongly) monopolise the guest list and take more for their side so he could have ended up with only an allocation of about 25 people for the main ceremony.

Are you close enough to talk to him about it? Who was the invitation for which he gave to you by accident?

EverySongbirdSays · 21/08/2016 00:05

A friend of mine recently got married abroad....she lives there it wasn't Maui or anything

I had had that internal conversation with myself about who I would invite if I were getting married and "friend" was definitely on my list...

I wasn't on hers.

tidyfairy · 21/08/2016 00:06

I don't think you are being ridiculous. I might be a bit piqued too, initially, to feel that I've been demoted as a friend. However, you don't know what goes on behind the scenes, and some people get very stressy over wedding organisation.
On further consideration though, I wouldn't take it as a personal affront. Churches can be limited for space. It's difficult for the organising couple to decide who should take precedence in the space available. If you met 10 years ago at uni, presumably you don't really see him regularly now?
It just is what it is. You are important enough in their lives to merit an invite to celebrate their wedding. On the face of what you've said here, I don't think YABU - maybe oversensitive. I've read your post and thought about it, and tried to put myself in your position - and I think that I might be a bit miffed also. And I wouldn't buy a themed outfit for an evening do. And I would stay friends with him because it sounds like he might need good friends in the future.(Insert wry grin)

DailyMaui · 21/08/2016 00:10

It's shit. I had this with my really close male friend. Had a full invite swapped for an evening do ("sorry but she really wants a gay couple ... You are ok with that aren't you?") AND it was themed AND it was a cash bar.
I wish I hadn't gone in the end. AND they had a fucking "retiring" poem asking for money for the two month honeymoon. fuckers. .

tidyfairy · 21/08/2016 00:11

Bogeyface - at which point did this thread become yours?

MiddleClassProblem · 21/08/2016 00:15

tidyfairy why you going at Bogeyface? Are you the wife?

Lorelei76 · 21/08/2016 00:19

Themed, that sounds like a reason not to go.

No seriously, I was once told "weddings are political" and the whole day invites were saved for people who would be angry if they didn't get that.

But having to do a hotel and overnight for an evening is too much. I would say that and say you'll all get together another time, you barely see the couple at a wedding tbh.

I don't think he has the right to be offended if you refuse the invite. But I do think you need to adjust your expectation of the friendship too. As for "mi e here" some people just say that type of thing thoughtlessly.

tidyfairy · 21/08/2016 00:19

Dunno really. Not 'going at'. I just thought the second post was irrelevant to the question at hand. It just sound a bit 'me, me, me' The thread is about answering the OP's question, I had thought.

TaterTots · 21/08/2016 00:19

Fight fight fight!

tidyfairy · 21/08/2016 00:22

Oh give over tater. There's nothing to see here.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/08/2016 00:23

Sounds just like and after thought following up from previous post about a similar experience, just as others have shared similar experiences. Two posts isn't very "me, me, me". It is related as I think Bogey was pointing out that it was the partner having the guest list issues, not the friend. It's not your thread either...

Op, I honestly would just ask and say you're just a bit miffed to be missing out on the ceremony

tidyfairy · 21/08/2016 00:26

OK Middle. Point taken. I will think before I post. I am new here, and I am willing to learn.

sunshineandmarbles · 21/08/2016 00:26

You haven't seen the bride for a few years ! Of course you wouldn't be automatically invited to the ceremony, for that reason alone - I think people suggesting that she is jealous are being a bit unfair to her.

Lorelei76 · 21/08/2016 00:30

But sunshine, the groom is the OP's friend, not the bride?

MiddleClassProblem · 21/08/2016 00:30

Lol, it's ok. You'll see prime "me, me, me" examples on AIBU and they are much bigger you'll want to back away when you do Confused

MiddleClassProblem · 21/08/2016 00:33

Is it possible he had a crush once upon a time on OP and told the bride about it when they were courting and she's got a bee in her bonnet about it still?

Some people are like that and even a young, brief crush can make them jealous or uncomfortable decades on

sunshineandmarbles · 21/08/2016 00:36

That's true, Lorelei - but perhaps they decided to have a ceremony with people they are both friends with, and invite separate friends to the reception.

Honestly I'm not sure what the normal size of a wedding ceremony is, but 70 people doesn't sound that huge, so it's possible it's family and mutual friends for the ceremony, then their wider social circle for the reception.

OP, sometimes other friends don't see you as being as close as you see them, and there's nothing wrong with that. Go to the reception, celebrate your friend's marriage, and be happy!