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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how your DP behaves when you're ill?

104 replies

Bellyrub1980 · 19/08/2016 22:03

As the title says really....

Is your DP affectionate? Caring? give you a big comforting hug?

Or do they get irritated and basically try to avoid you at all costs?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 20/08/2016 23:32

I'm practically never ill but when I am I want to hide on my own in a dark cave until I'm better. Dp is desperate to do the caring, tea bringing, hot water bottle making think. It makes me want to bite!

Airandmungbeans · 20/08/2016 23:40

DH is an arse when I'm ill. To be fair pre kids he was pretty good and looked after me for months after several major ops, but since the DC came along he just gets annoyed that he has to help with them more. No sympathy from him whatsoever. Basically I'm not allowed to be ill. He on the other hand totally hams it up and takes to bed for several days, expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I had a c section for DS2, the day after he took DS1 to the park, hurt his shoulder and I ended up looking after all three of them and busted my stitches open.

RubyGoat · 20/08/2016 23:44

DH is usually brilliant. He always looks after me, brings me whatever I need, lifts me when I need it, etc. I have a neurological disorder which flares up regularly, rendering me immobile & unable to communicate, with extreme pain, so he does need to look after me regularly. However, he has MH issues himself, so while he's always excellent at looking after me, when he's down, he is apparently incapable of dealing with anything other than me & DD (4.3), so I often get better only to be confronted with mountains of laundry, dishes etc, which I have to deal with before I'm fully capable.

Having said that, I suspect he's emetophobic. It really annoys me as he neither helps nor leaves when DD is sick, he just stands in the way & freaks out while I'm trying to help her. Just go to another room, FFS!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/08/2016 00:31

Brings me tablets and water then leaves me alone.

He's learned the hard way that I don't want coddling or cuddling or even any human contact .

He's also great when the kids are ill and takes over the cleaning up of sick or shit. I can and will do it but he does a much better job than me

UnderseaPineapple · 21/08/2016 00:50

Mine lies on the sofa and does nothing when I'm ill. He also gets really angry and makes me cry. Today he had a go at me in the middle of town because I was so slow walking on my crutches and I cried asking what had I done wrong and was I really stupid.

I know I need to LTB and I am trying to save even if it's only 10p I manage to put away.

Topseyt · 21/08/2016 09:40

Undersea, that is awful.

Of course you had done nothing wrong and you are not at all stupid. Your DP, by contrast, was being a twat.

Mine is OK, and was very good overall for many weeks after I broke my arm in February this year. He and the DDs had to help with a lot more around the house (didn't harm them either) and he had to take over all of the driving them around that I often do.

I won't pretend that there were no tensions or frustration over that few months (still not fully healed, but OK now and arm is functional), but we got through it.

Hope you are OK.

woodhill · 21/08/2016 09:45

Mines like that. It's somehow my fault. When I broke a bone and had to take time off work he insinuated it was my own fault. How did I manage to do that?

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 21/08/2016 10:36

I hope these 'D'H's have such unbelievably good qualities they put other men to shame, because half these anecdotes sound like abuse.

Original poster

Bellyrub1980 · 21/08/2016 21:25

I'm still ill with my ear infection. I'm pleased to report my DP gave me breakfast in bed this morning and cooked a roast dinner and looked after our DD most of the day and put her to bed.

Feeling a bit guilty about starting this thread now (which was basically to provide me with an opportunity to moan)

OP posts:

Batmansunderpants · 22/08/2016 04:03

I posted on the other thread, but my DH is horrible. An example, a while back while in the US on holiday we took the kids to universal studio. It was summer and I developed a migraine. He just shouted at me all day that I was just being lazy. I couldn't get any pain killers but he made me walk around all day and catch public transport. I was in tears and could barely walk. I started vomiting on the train and he still didn't get it.

When I get sick I feel worse knowing he doesn't give a shit. Never asks how I am or chips in. Would never take the day off to care for kids.

I think it shows he doesn't respect me. In fact he believes he shows his respect by "coming home each day" and I shouldn't expect any more than that.

Ketchuponpizza · 22/08/2016 04:07

He is brilliant initially. Then develops what I have and becomes an utter martyr.

This includes morning (all day) sickness!

YourNewspaperIsShit · 22/08/2016 08:50

Mine's hot and cold really. Amount of sleep depending.

If I'm faint or sick he will literally carry me upstairs to bed (even at 38weeks pregnant!) and bring me water/let me rest.

But if he has the DC on his own he forgets to give them tea or walk the dog and there's always something I'm actually needed for so I don't really 'get a break'. Also he works 12 hour shifts and won't take the day off (even though we don't have babysitters) so I have to have both DC whilst incredibly sick I think he's just not used to thinking about anyone else first, I'm his first proper relationship. He's definitely learning slowly

YourNewspaperIsShit · 22/08/2016 08:54

He also magically feels sick at the same time and his is obviously worse

SusanneLinder · 22/08/2016 09:07

I hardly get ill, so when I do, its operation " get Susanne better". He is a nurse and is full of " useful advice", and I actually want to be left alone to die quietly.

acdcfan · 22/08/2016 09:08

I was ill last December with a viral infection - I was sent home from work I was that bad... The doctor couldn't give me anything as it was bacterial so was given codeine to combine with paracetamol and ibuprofen and wait it out.

My partner came to my house, put me in the car and took me to his house where he looked after me all week, left me to sleep but woke me up at 2 hour intervals to take painkillers or bring me chicken soup/juice etc. I've never been so grateful!

acdcfan · 22/08/2016 09:09

wasn't bacterial

woodhill · 22/08/2016 09:12

Bats that's awful. Those theme parks are so tiring. Could you not have gone to first aid?

I remember giving a stranger some nurofen in Disney once, she was so grateful as she had a terrible headache.

DragonMamma · 22/08/2016 09:12

My DH is good when I'm ill but I'm rubbish when he is ill. He does this irritating sad face which makes me want to scream - I think it's because I'm a rallier and he's not.

I do know I'm being a cow and try to not be but it doesn't come naturally to me with him.

Bodicea · 22/08/2016 09:17

He's pretty good, takes time off work to help with kids if am really bad. However it comes back on me threefold if he then gets if. Oh and he quite often develops a coincidental migraine!!!

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 22/08/2016 09:30

If I'm faint or sick he will literally carry me upstairs to bed

DH does this! If I try and just get on with it, he just bloody well picks me up and takes me to bed. I fall somewhere between and

I bought him a shirt that says 'I survived the Man Flu'

Storminateapot · 22/08/2016 10:05

Horrendous. Completely lacking in empathy and downright unkind. I believe he has ASD, which kind of accounts for it, but doesn't make it easier to bear.

I had a life-threatening illness a few years ago, he refused to take any time off to look after the kids (who were very young at the time), I was in hospital & making calls to arrange emergency childcare because he was going to work. Was angry & resentful, accused me of milking it & being a hypochondriac (yet in the first month of it he took to his bed for 2 days 3 times with 'flu'). Left me in bed after surgery & didn't bring me anything to drink or eat, made meals for himself & the kids but not me.

I was ill for months and this was definitely LTB behaviour, but I was too ill & vulnerable to do anything other than focus on my survival. Everyone else I know says how dignified & brave I was. He said I wasn't stoical enough.

Once I was recovered he was fine again. If it ever comes back I would say we are finished as I now know he will offer no empathy or support at all.

Batmansunderpants · 22/08/2016 10:38

Woodhill I asked first aid and they had nothing but suggested I try the gift shops. I tried but gave up after a few due to the pain.

Ghodavies · 22/08/2016 13:19

We should start a thread for chronic illness! My dh is completely different with that!

waitingforsomething · 22/08/2016 13:31

If it's just a cold or something he doesn't take a lot of notice. He almost never gets ill (amazing immunity somehow) so finds it hard to empathise.

Once last yaer I was very ill with shingles and had to go to hospital as it was in my mouth and throat and I could not swallow. On this occasion he was excellent; took the week off work as we had a 5 month old baby plus a 3 year old and was very loving and affectionate.

Cleanermaidcook · 22/08/2016 15:14

He's pretty good, reasonably sympathetic and tends to provide chocolate. On on the other hand I'm awful if he's ill, I avoid him where possible and get grumpy and tell him to man up. I do feel bad about it, I'm just a useless nurse.

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