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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how your DP behaves when you're ill?

104 replies

Bellyrub1980 · 19/08/2016 22:03

As the title says really....

Is your DP affectionate? Caring? give you a big comforting hug?

Or do they get irritated and basically try to avoid you at all costs?

OP posts:
MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 19/08/2016 22:28

I get sympathy but it only lasts so long until he has to go back to work, then not so stuble hints are made about getting back in the saddle.

Oh and if I get something - he will start feeling peaky.Hmm

MouseholeCat · 19/08/2016 22:34

He'll make me chicken supernoodles... but not a nice chicken soup. He'll get me medicines if I ask directly. He'd also take over my share of domestic stuff if I asked. He'll send a text to check I'm okay, but he probably wouldn't take initiative to give my a big hug and sympathy though.

The worst was when I had horrific period cramps after having the coil fitted and he went on google and suggested using a hot water bottle Hmm. The best- when he went hunting for something to help my recurrent cystitis at 3am!

WanderingTrolley1 · 19/08/2016 22:36

Mine is brilliant.

Looks after kids and sends me to bed, checks on me and asks if I need anything.

SaggyNaggy · 19/08/2016 22:39

Totally indifferent actually. But, tbf, I've only ever had colds and such, she normally tells me to stop moaning and take fluplus. Grin

electricflyzapper · 19/08/2016 22:42

Not great. He tends to leave me to it though when the children were younger that did include looking after them. It was how he was nursed by his mother. I often end up hating him because it gives the impression that h3 doesn't care.

I, on the other hand, had a mother who was brilliant at looking after I'll people. She would sit with me, give me tempting food when I was up to eating, proactively care for me, bathe me, change sheets on bed etc. So when dh is ill, I am attentive and considerate.

SpookyPotato · 19/08/2016 22:50

This is a depressing read... I read about it all the time, why are some men like this? My DP is great when I'm ill, asks what I need and does what needs doing, sympathises etc.. That's the normal reaction when you love someone.

frigginell · 19/08/2016 23:07

He doesn't make any allowances if I'm unwell and just carries on as if I'm not. I've taken his lead now tbh and behave the same way towards him when he is ill (because I'm resentful). He gets irritated if I do less or ask him to do extra, and has looked at me like I'm an alien on the handful of times that I've asked him to watch the kids so that I could have a nap when I've been completely on my knees. He was awful during pregnancy & birth (just generally checked-out).

Interestingly, if I ask him to look after the kids or do jobs when there's no pressure and nothing the matter at all, he's fine with it.

I think that there are people with secure attachment styles, who can offer appropriate support when they're most needed (and if you have one of those, you are incredibly fortunate) and then others, like my dh, who have avoidant-attachment styles which become glaringly obvious when the shit hits the fan and they just want to leg it.

MrsGsnow18 · 19/08/2016 23:12

My DH looks after me really well. He would go to shop if I needed something. Usually I don't need much but once I was very sick and had a bad migraine at the same time. I was in tears and being driven crazy with pain/sleep deprivation. I asked DH to hug me and he did, he held onto my for what seem like hours whilst I cried and eventually fell asleep.
Still makes me smile now.

GoldFishFingerz · 19/08/2016 23:12

I have to manage without him as he works long hours. However he will do what he can and twice took time off to look after the little kids because I couldn't stop throwing up. He will normally bring me drinks/food if I can eat and will make sure I rest. He's not particularly cuddly as he doesn't want to catch anything.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 19/08/2016 23:12

Mine recommends I take tablets. That's it, end of duties.

PeppasNanna · 19/08/2016 23:13

Dp is absolutely rubbush.

Nowvhe offers me water & pain killers as i have trained him to.

He left me in bed at for 4 days at 20weeks pregnant. I had a kidney infection. Was in agony... Oh & it was my 40th birthday. Didn't even offer me a glass of water!

ladyjadey · 19/08/2016 23:15

Doesn't notice I am ill. Grumpy if has to make own tea. Still required to care for children unless actually dead no matter how ill. Huffs and puffs if I ask for a cup of tea (would never offer). Last time I had flu the s*it made me help hang a huge mirror and shouted at me for not knowing which way was up or down. I just wanted to lie down.

SistersOfPercy · 20/08/2016 00:23

He's amazing.
I have fibromyalgia and I have a tendency to overdo things meaning I'm floored the next day. He tries to slow be down but I'm stubborn Blush

He'll then spend the next day being lovely, making drinks and cooking meals, or send me to bed with a tea and my kindle.

Tinklewinkle · 20/08/2016 00:29

Competitive.

Whatever I have, he has. But so much worse.

oaadc · 20/08/2016 00:49

My STBXH used to accuse me of 'pretending to be sick'. I have a hiatus hernia which is rolling....normally I just get nasty acid but sometimes I'm really sick. He just didn't get it.

Oh and he wouldn't have a day off work to look after me if ever I was poorly with anything else. But if he fancied a day off, he was more than happy to lie to work and say that I was poorly so he needed to stay at home

Shizzlestix · 20/08/2016 00:56

He travels miles to see me in hospital, looks after the whole household, brings me Costa Coffee, what an angel!

Generally, if I'm sick, he's very quiet so as not to exacerbate headaches, he makes all the food, brings me drinks, leaves me be and encourages me to have a comforting bath or to go for naps. He turns down the TV even if I'm just having an 'old lady' nap. (I'm not old!) He's the perfect person to have around and is incredibly thoughtful.

Original poster
Bellyrub1980 · 20/08/2016 06:25

I'm not ill very often but currently have an incredibly painful ear infection which is making me miserable and a bit tearful.

Here is his reaction:

"go to the doctors"

"Take the antibiotics"

"I'll put the ear drops in for you"

"I'm going to sleep in the spare room tonight so you don't keep me awake"

"What do you mean I'm not being sympathetic? I sent you a text earlier telling you to go to the doctor!"

That's literally the full extent of the sympathy. I know he's fulfilling the practical side of caring for me but what I really want is a long comforting hug and for him to say 'it won't be long and you'll feel loads better'!!!

(Feeling so sorry for myself right now!!)

OP posts:
shiteattheseaside · 20/08/2016 06:32

Hit and miss. Hes a paramedic so i get no sympathy unless im on deaths door! But when i am properly ill hes ace.

Had my wisdom tooth out last month and had a couple of complications, infection, dry socket and then the pain medication doctor gave me in adition to regular stuff dentist prescribed made me violently sick - dh kindly delt with our 1 year old for a whole week, did absolutely everything and took time off work and made me soup and sent me to bed etc.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 20/08/2016 07:42

I have chronic pain and I often hide it from DH because he is so ridiculously over protective. Once he insisted on carrying me from car to bedroom because it was snowy!

It is sweet though in a very annoying kind of way

junebirthdaygirl · 20/08/2016 07:57

My dh is at his best when lm sick. Even when the dc are sick he's brilliant. I had desperate pregnancy sickness and he did everything for months. On the other hand lm dreadful. I have no patience. I think it's because lm a good patient. I get into bed and stay quiet. He moans and groans and complains until l want to run out the door. I feel bad sometimes as he is so good to me. Even his dm said as a child he was always looking after anyone who was sick. The dc go to him when sick. In college the call him when they have something or even when their mates have something. I don't mind as he is better at it.

RubbleBubble00 · 20/08/2016 08:09

irritated and grumpy unless I'm doing an exorcist impression but he just gets on with it when he's sick so expects everyone to do the same

OneInEight · 20/08/2016 08:14

He usually comes out in sympathetic pains which of course are much worse than anything I am suffering!

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 20/08/2016 08:16

One Like Joey with his kidney stones in Friends? Grin

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 20/08/2016 08:23

Mine is another one who insists they have the are also ill or in pain or whatever. But of course his illness or pain is much, much worse than mine.

Currently he's decided he's got dreadful (self-diagnosed) arthritis. I do have (professionally diagnosed) arthritis of the autoimmune kind. However, I have to hide the problems and symptoms of this because if I do much as quietly sigh when I have to pick something up off the floor, he starts loudly sighing and saying 'ow'. Yesterday he drove us somewhere and when he got out the car he started ostentatiously wiggling his arse around and rubbing his hip while making comments about how 'his arthritis' was playing up after the drive. The fact that I'd taken lots of painkillers (as I do every day) and was in pain because sitting still is bloody painful is clearly less of an issue than his imaginary arthritis (which incidentally doesn't cause him problems when he wakes up in the morning because he's taking the piss). Hmm

As a result I have no sympathy when he's ill whatsoever. I just tell him to take some bloody painkillers/whatever other medicine will help and get on with it (he's a medication refuser and will not take painkillers). I'm not giving sympathy to someone who is probably exaggerating wildly and will not do basic things to help themself.

campervan07 · 20/08/2016 08:32

Usually he tells me to rest but then actually does nothing in terms of picking up the slack that would mean I actually get to relax. No extra housework. No organising the dc etc although he does feed and entertain them. After a few hours he will get fed up and get whatever I have only much worse and need to stay in bed doing nothing at all.

I awful when he is ill too though as I think he milks it and resent the loss of support
Plus he never goes to the doctors so can't be that ill!

Pre kids we were nicer I think.