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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell off my adult daughter?

83 replies

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 19/08/2016 20:40

I genuinely can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not. Do you tell off your adult children if they misbehave?

My dd did something really rude and ignorant the other day and I just can't work out whether I should tell her off about it. I didn't raise her to be rude and ignorant! On the other hand, she's not a kid anymore so am unsure whether to say anything.

WWYD?

OP posts:

SandyPantz · 19/08/2016 21:49

You can of course call out rudeness when you see it from a stranger, friend, colleague or adult child, YWNBU to do that.. but by using the phrase "tell off" I am guessing you mean you'ld do it differently to how you would call out rudeness in any other adult, so for that YABU

FinallyHere · 19/08/2016 21:51

Oh dear, Silver, religion has a lot to answer for.

FloweryTwat · 19/08/2016 21:54

My DM doesn't need to say a thing, it's all in the look

gillybeanz · 19/08/2016 21:56

I still give mine "The Paddington stare" and tell them they aren't too big for a clip around the ears. At 25 and 21 and a couple of feet taller than me, they laugh. They know I mean it though, they are still scared
I tell them I didn't bring them up to be like this and they are soon ashamed and apologise.

Gazelda · 19/08/2016 21:56

I'd definitely tell her you thought she was rude. But I'd draw the line at grounding her/confiscating her iPad/denying her pudding

pieceofpurplesky · 19/08/2016 21:59

I am 47 and due to her disability my mum and dad live with me. They still tell me off if I have a second glass of wine or am in late!
On the flip side dad still insists on driving me everywhere so I don't have to get a taxi!

MrsMargeSimpson · 19/08/2016 21:59

YABU, my mother does this and it pisses me right off. I'm 28, not 8. That part of parenting stopped for you years ago.

SilverHawk · 19/08/2016 22:04

Finally I think it's all the NDE's she's had, plus a very religious upbringing.
There's no dementia but my last visit was awful WRT my lack, even crying. One of my very brave DCs even witnessed this, thank you Smart phones!
According to DH, I can do the look.....

drinkingtea · 19/08/2016 22:04

As some have said you can talk to her about it the same way you would to a sibling. Anyone who "tells off" an adult deserves to be totally ignored with a look - and if you think you are right to "give her an ear bashing" at 26 no wonder she's rude herself - you deserve to be responded to just as disrespectfully.

drinkingtea · 19/08/2016 22:09

Sorry - you didn't give her age, 26 was the second poster. Never the less if she is an adult no longer dependent on you the point stands.

CwtchyQ · 19/08/2016 22:10

My mom will go to toooooown on me if she feels I've done or said something wrong. I always bite back, but that probably has something to do with the fact I was raised by two absolute arse-kickers. So, it's ultimately her fault

limitedperiodonly · 19/08/2016 22:11

You are adults, so your relationship has changed and you can have a difference of opinion. You might be right, or she might be, or it might be a bit of both.

It is not okay for you to tell her off, but then it's not okay to tell any child off once they get beyond the stage of running in the road or pulling the cat's tail.

It's hard to negociate but rewarding: a bit like the first time you swear in front of your mum and she says nothing. And even the better, the first time she swears in front of you, and you aren't shocked either.

My mum could have done with disagreeing with me more and I could have done to argue with her a bit less. She tended to defer to keep the peace, which is sad. I respected my mum's opinions. Except when she was wrong

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/08/2016 22:14

When I was 51 I gave my then 80 year old aunt a lift somewhere in my car. I hadn't driven her anywhere before. She said to me "so when did you pass your test again?" in a semi joking way, because she still thought of me as a youngster who might be a bit risky in a car! I was able to tell her straight faced that I'd been driving for 33 years and was considerably safer than her at 80 driving a car!

limitedperiodonly · 19/08/2016 22:14

negotiate - that's better

Lorelei76 · 19/08/2016 22:14

Oh dear
I think telling off an adult is bizarre
I'm wondering what she did but I can think of much that warrants a parent telling off when you're an adult

As for how you raised her, my parents would probably tell you they tried to raise me in their faith and culture but nonetheless, I am an English woman and an atheist. It doesn't mean they failed, it means, like most people I hope, I am my own person. I do hate that whole "I raised you to..." thing though. Children aren't pieces of clay to be moulded as you desire.

Cantusethatname · 19/08/2016 22:17

My mum is my very own living breathing AIBU and you bet she would tell me off if I needed it. And I know that if she tells me off I haven't behaved very well and I do feel ashamed.
And I'm 47!

limitedperiodonly · 19/08/2016 22:23

That's reminded me. I really hate threads banging on about how parents or parents-in-law are dreadful racists and xenophobes.

Maybe they are, but I always think: 'What do you want? My permission for you to cut them from your life or a medal?'

Family members are annoying. It's up to you to decide how annoying you want them to be.

VagueButExcitlng · 19/08/2016 22:26

I remember a few years ago before she died my Nan told my uncle off after he stayed out late and didn't tell anyone where he was. And told him his friend was a bad influence and she didn't want him to hang around with him any more.

Uncle was out celebrating his 70th birthday!

She was right though. His friend was a bad influence pisshead!

dailymaillazyjournos · 19/08/2016 22:29

I can't imagine 'telling off' 30 year old dd. I would tell her i was hurt, angry, sad about something she did/didn't do but not a 'telling off' like I did when she was in her teens. She is an adult. We are equals. So I would talk things through like I would with any other adult - related or not.

I do instinctively, grab her if I think she hasn't looked crossing a road though . And I do believe that technically she is still grounded after some diabolical teenage behaviour around 13 years back :) It's hard to enforce tho because we live a fair distance away from each other and because her boss probably wouldn't understand.

DotForShort · 19/08/2016 22:30

I would think it very odd for a parent to tell off an adult child, except in a jokey way. Discussing an issue as equals, fine. Scolding adults as though they were children seems bizarre to me.

ButtMuncher · 19/08/2016 22:32

Mum had a huge go at me a few weeks ago when I was uptight and panicking about something utterly ridiculous. I'd behaved like a total bellend though so deserved it - I was 25w pregnant and getting very stressed. My god, I'd not seen that look since my early teens

My grandmother told my mum off the other day for saying 'fuck' - mum is 55 next week

BadToTheBone · 19/08/2016 22:36

I'm 49 and my mum tells me off. Obviously it's different to when I was a teenager, more like when I was 7!

limitedperiodonly · 19/08/2016 22:39

I do instinctively, grab her if I think she hasn't looked crossing a road though

My mum would yell: 'Mind!' and throw her wizened arm out dailymaillazyjournos. She was 90 and I was 50. It was quite painful, getting a bony elbow in the chest.

Clutterbugsmum · 19/08/2016 22:46

Me (45) and my sister (43) can be bickering having a conversation and our mum can give us 'that look' and use a our sunday proper name we still stop.

I think once your a parent you are always a parent.

I can remember my granddad telling my uncle off for getting a tattoo, my uncle was about 45 and it was his first one. He had kept his arm hidden for about a year before my granddad saw it.

pasic · 19/08/2016 22:46

My DD often puts me straight about stuff. She's bloody terrifying.

I wouldn't dare tell her off.

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