To clean up?

[OhShitFuck]

At a friends house helping out with their 6month old son, I got here at 7am. They are both out working 6pm ish.. I have my DC with me and am too far from home to go home then be back for 6 (140 mile return journey).

The house is a total bomb site. In the kitchen is more fruit flies than I can count. Mouldy food all over and a foul smell in there.

In the bathroom are used sanitary towels out in the open. My youngest needed the toilet but the toilet is so dirty she actually wet herself rather than use the toilet. I was planning on bathing all the kids before we set off home but the bath is so dirty id rather them wait till tomorrow.

Pleas bare in mind we'll be here till 6 so we'll be using the bathroom and I'll be cooking a little later for the kids.

WIBU to clean up to make us a little more comfortable?

Woooooah can we not demonize the couple please? I'll share what's recently happened to me and maybe it will help you see it from their perspective a bit:

My house was channel 5 documentary levels of rank 3 months ago. I hadn't done housework of any kind in over a year, my kitchen stank of dog wee and rotting food all the time and I hadn't hung my clothes up in the wardrobe ever. They lived in the washing baskets. You couldn't cook in my kitchen because the sides were covered in "stuff" and there wasn't a clean surface in the whole house. If I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher once a week it was a busy week.

I hated people coming round to my house, my Mum worst of all and she generally hated being there because of the mess. One day, she came in and went to the loo and while she was in there she bleached my toilet and cleaned my sink. I threw her out I was so angry and didn't let her back into the house until about 3 weeks ago (more on that in a sec).

The reason for all this: I had been living with undiagnosed GAD and depression for 2 years. I work long hours and I'd essentially "burnt out". It got so bad that eventually I started having panic attacks and that's when I went to my GP. Long story short, 6 weeks ago I was feeling so much better thanks to fluoxitine and CBT that I decided to take a week off work and CLEAN my house . I asked for help on the MN housekeeping board on how to start and they were utterly, utterly brilliant. I've name changed since then but the "Thankyou" thread is mine :) 36 binbags full of crap (7 car loads), 5 days and a whoooole load of bleach later and my house was completely clean.

My house has been totally spotless ever since and so has my brain I invited my mum in for a cup of tea about 3 weeks ago and she cried she was so happy it was sorted. She now comes over pretty much every week for a cup of tea and a chin wag

My point is this: No one enjoys living in a filthy house. If you'd asked me back then why my house was dirty I'd have told you "there's no time to clean it" because of my work hours and because that's genuinely how i felt. I would get in from work at 6 and completely zombie for the rest of the evening because I was so low. Once the meds and CBT kicked in, I found hours and hours and hours of time I didn't know was there!

Their house could well be a reflection of what the insides of their heads look like right now, so tread carefully OP, don't judge them and take the house as a symptom of a bigger problem.

Of course, if it's unsafe for the children clean the areas you need to, that goes without saying!

Maybe people should calm down a bit. OP, are you used to being in their home? Is this a recent change? If not, they might just be scruffy 😂

As long as the baby isn't being neglected (being loved, washed, fed, clothed) then this is more a matter of them not coping with housework than anything else. Still concerning, but not a social services referral at this point.

I'd be inclined to talk to them and ask whether they need any support.

This filth isn't a few days old, this is weeks/month's, I don't care how difficult you are finding life a squirt of bleach in the toilet and emptying a waste basket takes two minutes, have some pride ffs. I used to manage a cleaning firm and I have seen more filth than most can imagine and it's all from just dirty fuckers who are happy to live in it. If they weren't managing it might be very untidy but there is a difference between mess and filth

pluto both of them? Wouldn't that be unusual for both of them to be suffering exactly the same condition?

Amazing that you managed to get help and sort things out, it's not easy so really well done.

OP Said the house was dirty previously. There's a big difference in mess/untidy to being dirty. It will affect the child e.g asthma, hygienic food preparation areas can cause some very nasty tummy bugs.

Nocabbageinmyeye to squirt the bleach actually has to occur to you in the first place

With me, and I'm reliably informed it's the same for a lot of others from my CBT sessions, you actually stop "seeing" the mess. Your surroundings become so utterly detached from who you are that you just don't notice it. My bleach actually lived next to my loo, did I ever use it? Did I buggery. It was dusty when I did my big clean

If it was as simple as you're saying, people like me wouldn't exist.

And for those saying "oh they have no shame" - I assure you I was massively ashamed whenever we had guests over. I would panic and cry the minute they left but STILL wouldn't have cleaned the house. I'm not sure why I didn't just clean up sooner, all I know is that MH doesn't work like that.

Judge me and others like me if you will, but for anyone reading this who is currently in the same place I was: There's a way out, just start in one tiny corner of one room. Mine was the top of the microwave. Trust me, by the time you look up you'll have moved on to the next section, then the next, then the next. Once it's clean it's really easy to maintain so don't worry about that yet :)

WilburIsSomePig I have a DP who lives in the same house. He does not have depression. I still to this day don't know why he never mentioned the mess and never properly cleaned the place. I think he stopped seeing the mess too

I still feel guilty about that.

I'd agree - the more mess the more motivation required

It's easy to keep something clean than to get into a don't know where to start situation

Baird are exhausting and she may prefer to be out and about whilst on maternity leave - but now overwhelmed

Yes help - but they may not be grateful - just say I tired up a bit when I had chance - hope you don't mine -

Rather than be critical

Well the kitchen is clean and managed to get the flies out (mostly).

And I've cleaned rubbish from the lounge to make us more comfortable.

Turns out I'm allergic to something here also.

I am almost certain she has PND and he is utterly exhausted. I've offered to have their DS for a few days next week.

DC are asking to go home :(. If the weather clears up (it's pissing down) I'll take them all to the park to speed time on s little

But she won't get help, doesn't trust doctors.

Why have you cone? Did they ask you to? Or did you tell them yesterday at 3pm you were popping in? Who normally looks after their child whilst she works?

Maybe she feels she'll lose the baby if doctors are involved? It's not like that any more ....

Sounds like a really awkward situation - you're being a great friend.

If she doesn't want to go to the doctor, maybe her health visitor would be able to convince her. As pps have said, baby will be crawling soon....

Hoe was it when they got home?

You must be good friends with him to have agreed to a 140 mile round trip taking your own 2 children with you arranged the day before. You have been there since 7am, which suggests your own children being out of bed very early and driven there. Does your friend know you well enough to know you would clean up their mess for them? I am wondering what three children including a 6 month old are doing in a house that vile while you attempt to clean this hideous mess. I think in your situation I would have taken them all out for the day and told them it was disgusting when they got home. I couldn't have done it. Your poor kids, the poor baby and poor you. Yanbu that is disgusting, but I couldn't have cleaned it up for them knowing my children would be unsupervised in the house. What happened when they got back op? Hope you are ok, you are a good friend to even consider all of this.

Sorry, the third page wasn't showing so I didn't see your updates op, ok so you know already that there are issues with PND and exhaustion, hope you doing this for them gets them back on track and is a bit of a wake up call to maybe seek help.

I just don't like to see my friends struggle. That's why I went.

It was all open plan and I cleaned around the lounge first so the kids had somewhere hygienic to play. Then started on the kitchen whilst playing peek-a-boo. The kids played well together and when the kitchen and toilet was clean enough I let the kids have free run of the place.

She didn't come back whilst I was there, but he did. He thanked me and said that he's struggling as he's getting no help from the gf with house or baby and he's exhausted all the time.

Told him he needs to ask his family to help instead of leaving it so late.

Oh we set off at 5:30 but the kids are always up at least 30 mins before that. Was a good drive actually :).

I can totally see me doing the same, or could have before I had too many kids to be of much help to anyone, I don't think anyone likes to see anyone struggle, certainly not a good friend. I guess before the PND was mentioned and the fact you said it was always really messy previously I responded with a lack of empathy. I would definitely go above and beyond for certain friends, I apologise if my post came across as a criticism of your support, I certainly didn't mean it to. I think you've done an amazing job to manage three kids (sounds like a fantastic idea, don't know a single kid who doesn't love peekaboo!!) and support your friend like that. Well done for highlighting the need for them to seek help and you can head home knowing you will have made a positive difference to their lives. I'm sure your friend's partner is very grateful too. Blimey you deserve this though

Ps sympathy on the 5am risers, two of those here too!

I didn't think you were being arsey.

Tbh when I had PND I would have gone ape shit if someone felt the need to clean my home. But then again I never left it to get like that.

I wasn't judging, I was disgusted but wasn't judging. I felt for them. I love the boy and want him to be safe

Had s migraine by the time I got home, and something there I was allergic to do had a tough drive. Luckily the kids played quietly in the car! Will have a drink tonight tho

You sound like the best friend ever.

Well done on being a great friend.

Now you have done a clean, can you suggest he gets a cleaner to keep it ticking over. I know it's not a long term solution but it would be one less pressure

It will probably have been the dust that's given you a headache. One of my worst ever migraines was the day we got our house. It was disgustingly filthy and 8 hours cleaning left my head and lungs feeling dreadful.

I've worked as a cleaner before but this was like nothing I'd ever seen before.