to split DS1's money with DS2?

[AbelMancwitch]

I've been mulling this over for nearly 10 years, so I thought it was probably time to get some outside perspective on this!

My grandad died 10 years ago when my DS1 was a few months old, and left DS1 £1000. I put this in an account for him for when he is older and have continued to save his birthday money in there (until he got old enough to want to spend it! This is an account that he doesn't know about and I'll be keeping this money back for him until he's an adult rather than letting him fritter it all on polos and tat now)

Two years later DS2 came along. Same thing, I've saved any money he's come into, but obviously what with one thing and another he has about £1200 less than DS1. This is partly because my "family" favoured DS1 over DS2, and didn't treat them fairly. (I am now NC with them, partly because of their behaviour to DS2.)

Perhaps because of this I have a heightened awareness of what I perceive to be unfairness, and I can't help feeling that DS2 has financially dipped out. I'm wondering whether I should split the £1k between both boys to try to even things out a bit? I imagine if I'd had children 2 years earlier, my grandad would have left money to both of them. However, if the money was left just to DS1, is it wrong to give half of it to DS2?

I literally can't get my head around what is the fairest thing to do. It also doesn't seem fair to try to boost DS2's money by saving for him, because if we save for one, we need to save for both, and then it will never even out anyway. I don't know if this is just one of those times where DS2 will learn that sometimes life isn't fair due to circumstance, or whether in 10 years time this will cause grief if DS2 feels like he is being treated differently - sibling rivalry is already a big deal.

See, I'm tying myself in knots. There's no urgent need to resolve this, as they won't get it for another 10 years or so, but I'd like to make a conclusive decision, rather than spend then next 10 years swinging from one side to the other on it. (I'm a Libran, can you tell?)

So Mumsnet, what do you think?

Thanks Idaho.

I've just managed to find the will via that link so I'll get a copy sent through.

Having read all the responses on here, I think we'll try to put some aside over the next ten years for DS2 to try to even things out a bit. It still feels a bit odd, to save for one and not the other, but to be honest, again, they still don't ever need to know exactly how or where the money came from. £12 per month for the next decade would square things.

Thanks for all the comments, it's been genuinely helpful.

There's no right answer.

DD1 and DD2 both had savings plans started when they were born. Different schemes - I think £25 per month into each. DD1 got about £4k when she turned 18; DD2 got nearer £8k.

Should I have taken £2k from DD2 to even out the difference?

I would split the money or make it up so that each child has the same. Money can be a massively decisive issue if children are not treated equally.

If I were you op, I would split it, tell the DC when they were older they had that much each from gp and not mention it again.

Don't do this, it would be depressingly easy for your dc to find out that you lied.

I would share the money.

DC1&2 were left 3/12 of their great grandads money. I was pregnant with DC3 so it was obvious why it was 3/12. They were all given an equal share even though he had died before I had the baby.

Mine have all been given money by their grandad but as they are different ages it is different amounts and we'll deal with that when it comes to giving it to them.

So,..Was the money left to you FOR your DS1?

If it was left to you then I think it is up to you to decide whether to split it or not.
Had it been left in a Trust for DS1 then it would be his and not something you should interfere with.
DS2 can't have birthday money for years he was not here so no, he won't catch up with DS1.

I would split the £1000. Then they both have an inheritance from your Granddad.

It's not your money to split - leave it alone.

I'd make it even, both the inheritance and the birthday gift that your DS1 received. If you can afford to add to it to make it even that would be even better but if not, it's still best to be fair. I'm sure both sons would have more pleasure in being told 'here's some money that your grandfather left you and your family gave when you were babies and we've added to it over the years' than making a big fuss about the fact that one has more.

My GPs left everything to my parents - that way seems fairer as when the time comes they can give it equally

It's not yours to split and if he ever sees the will - and it's a publicly available document - there will be hell to pay if you do. Just honour the will.

I would split the money. I would see it as left 'for the grandchildren'. He wasn't to know how many you'd have and I'd split any money from your family before you went NC. I'd do that now, then let their accounts grow naturally not worrying or adjusting who has how much.

I'm the eldest - I'd have had no problem with this being done.

Also you can split it and still tell them honestly what happened. Just say 'your grandfather died before DS2 was born so we have split up the money between you as that's what he would have wanted'.

It would be a very mean sibling to argue with that.

I would leave the £1000 where it is, but make up your DS2's account to the same amount, if necessary by depositing more in it for birthdays etc and less in DS1's.

I think I would do this. And when the time comes, the money goes to your respective children without too much discussion over the exact details of where it came from. At the end of the day, surely all they need to know is that their parent(s) have provided them each with a financial gift of equal measure, to be spent (hopefully!) wisely!?

Agree saving for DS2 to try to even it out a bit makes more sense, not taking DC1's money to give to DC2.

Or another way, would you feel comfortable to hand it over to your DS1 at 18 and say "oh and by the way, you inherited £1000 of this from my Grandad, however as he died before your brother was born, only you got some money, we think you should put £500 in your brother's account to make it fair." If not, or if you think when it's his choice he'll say no, then you shouldn't be considering doing it for him now as a child.

No not yours to share and things will even up a bit more at some point, and if they don't as you suggested can be an example of life not being fair.Only a small amount of money , when eldest leaves home you will have more money for child no 2 so things will even up.I agree is theft if you split it.

I would split it and in my head I would justify it as a bequest to 'grandchildren' present and future. ^^ This whoever said this earlier in the thread but i would depend on what it said in the will and this would be my wish also that it would be grandchildren present and future.

Regardless of how many more birthdays money ds2 is yet to receive over dd1 what about all the birthday money ds1 got before ds2 was born. How many more birthdays hes got left over ds1 is irrelevant and it isnt going to make up for it. From what op has said it's likely he isnt going to have anywhere near as much.

To the person who said if they knew that the parents putting the money in the bank and not letting them spend it and would give them vouchers for what? to buy something on a whim rather than a well thought out present once they had more money collected?
Some presents are too expensive to buy outright require savings which is something that children need to understand and learn because they will use them skills throughout their lives. Combining it to buy something substantial and thanking all them who gave money towards it for something they have been longing for is much better in my book then rushing out and spending it on rubbish toys for the sake of spending it. Or saving for the future I think most people would prefer savings towards a car than that they missed out on not so great expensive toys as a child that they won't ever realised they missed out on.

Hmm.
How was money paid out? This may have already been asked.
How was GFs money divvied up?
I would wonder what the purpose was, did he give the same to all of the children?
Did he nominate the same amount to be spread between the children of his children? Was it a different amount paid to your DS than the others?

I feel that if DS was paid a specific amount for a reason, like he was first/favourite grandchild etc then it would be unfair.

If he was giving all GCs the same amount, then I'd say whatever seems best to you.

If he was giving each set of GCs the same sum of £1000 to be shared out. I'd definitely share it out.

Do you know the reasoning for why he gave what he did?

If it helps OP DH and I are in the same boat with DSD and DS.

Our decision has been to bump up DS's savings so by the time we let them get their hands on the money it will be near as possible equal.

I also think it's worth noting that this isn't that much money in the grand scheme of things when you are talking about 'fairness' - £1k isn't enough to really be a significant sum of money in 10 years time, or give DS1 life options that are denied to DS2 - it's not like DS1 will be able to have enough for a house deposit, or go to Uni and leave debt free, it's not going to pay for round the world trip, or be able to buy a car, it's a nice cushion, but not 'life changing' amount.

Whereas, DS1 getting this money you can explain it came from his Great Grandad who died when he was a baby, who loved him, albeit for a short time. It's a link to someone, that DS2 doesn't have because DS2 never met his Great Grandad - even if you are sure he'd have loved him too.

Putting £500 in DS2's name rather than DS1s won't make a significant difference to the life of DS2, but it will mean you are taking away something a bit more special that DS1 has, that he was known and remembered for him, not as a potential, theoretical great-grandchild.

Save a little more for DS2 if you can over the years, finding £1000 over 10 years works out at putting aside around £8.33 a month, even if that's not possible every month, it's not an unrealistic amount to find for him, but don't take away from DS1 that he was so important to his Great Grandad that he was remembered in his will, even though his G.Grandad only knew him for a brief time.

The thing is, if you now save on behalf of your DS2 and not your DS1 you are essentially doing the same thing - not treating them equally. Just put all the available money in one pot and split it equally when they are both adults. Perfectly reasonable and means you don't have to feel guilty every time you deposit money.

I think you are doing the right thing in saving for ds2 to even up the amounts. Not only will he be able to see the will, if the account is one that reverts directly to him when he reaches adulthood he'll also be able to track payments in and out.

I'd aim for them both to have the same amount at 18, and tell both that it's a mixture of money from family/ saved birthday money/ savings from you. They don't need to know the breakdown of each.

Sorry, should have said Ds1 will be able to see the will and his account.

I don't think you are being unfair to save for ds2 and not ds1. If granddad hadn't left any money, and you'd saved £1000 yourself and split it they would have £500 each. If you now save £1000 and give it all to ds2, ds1 will still have twice as much as he would have had if grandad hadn't given him anything - but his db will have the same.

I wouldn't tell them much about it either way though - if they do ask just say some of it came from grandad, rest from bday money and savings. I doubt aged 18 they will really care where it came from, just be grateful to have it!

I don't actually know if he had time to formally change a will to include DS1 (he was dead 3 months after DS was born)

He wouldn't necessarily have had to. He could have had a provision to leave X amount to each of his great grandchildren without naming them.

Personally I'd forget about it for now and sit your older son down when he is 18 and explain about both the inheritance and the family savings/weapon. Then let him make the choice. It's his money after all even if it was given unfairly.

oh and on the level of the money - DH inherited around £1k when his Grandad died when he was in his 20s, that's the sort of sum you leave not because you think it'll do much for the person you are leaving it too, but as a statement that "you are remembered, you are important in your own right, not just as the child of someone who is important to me." DH spent it on a smart watch that he wears to 'dressy' occasions, including our wedding day.

You can't just lump it all together and treat it like it is your savings for your children to do with as you please, it's money with a story and reason behind it, and shouldn't just be merged into family money. DS2 didn't have a relationship with your Grandad. Your Grandad did not just leave money for random desendants, he left it for this particular little boy.

It's £1k, it might be unfair, but it's not so unfair that it's going to change one child's life dramatically compared to the others.

If you are not going to split the money because you recognise that it is a specific bequest based on a relationship between your eldest son and his great-grandad, then there is no reason you should try to compensate by giving more of your own money to your younger son. Just tell them they have different amounts of money. On the other hand, you may end up saving longer for your younger son and have more disposable income, so the amounts might even out anyway. I would say stop worrying about it.