to split DS1's money with DS2?

[AbelMancwitch]

I've been mulling this over for nearly 10 years, so I thought it was probably time to get some outside perspective on this!

My grandad died 10 years ago when my DS1 was a few months old, and left DS1 £1000. I put this in an account for him for when he is older and have continued to save his birthday money in there (until he got old enough to want to spend it! This is an account that he doesn't know about and I'll be keeping this money back for him until he's an adult rather than letting him fritter it all on polos and tat now)

Two years later DS2 came along. Same thing, I've saved any money he's come into, but obviously what with one thing and another he has about £1200 less than DS1. This is partly because my "family" favoured DS1 over DS2, and didn't treat them fairly. (I am now NC with them, partly because of their behaviour to DS2.)

Perhaps because of this I have a heightened awareness of what I perceive to be unfairness, and I can't help feeling that DS2 has financially dipped out. I'm wondering whether I should split the £1k between both boys to try to even things out a bit? I imagine if I'd had children 2 years earlier, my grandad would have left money to both of them. However, if the money was left just to DS1, is it wrong to give half of it to DS2?

I literally can't get my head around what is the fairest thing to do. It also doesn't seem fair to try to boost DS2's money by saving for him, because if we save for one, we need to save for both, and then it will never even out anyway. I don't know if this is just one of those times where DS2 will learn that sometimes life isn't fair due to circumstance, or whether in 10 years time this will cause grief if DS2 feels like he is being treated differently - sibling rivalry is already a big deal.

See, I'm tying myself in knots. There's no urgent need to resolve this, as they won't get it for another 10 years or so, but I'd like to make a conclusive decision, rather than spend then next 10 years swinging from one side to the other on it. (I'm a Libran, can you tell?)

So Mumsnet, what do you think?

What would your gf have wanted?
But yes...I would split it.

Really crap for the seven year old model who is effectively giving half to his brother. My son acts and has some money and there is no way it would be fair to split it between all my kids.

Not fair. Why don't you pay in the difference to your DS2's account, instead of splitting the existing fund? You are basically depriving your DS1 of his money.

Just ask your ds1 when they are adults. Its his money but he may agree to split it.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/death-and-wills/wills/#h-looking-for-copies-of-a-will-after-someone-dies

You can get a copy of his will for £5, then you can see whether the money was left to him in name or was a gift from your father. Then you know for sure what the legal position is. If it was a gift then split it and if it wasnt then try and get DS2 savings up as much as you can afford. Easy!

And this is that picture!

You can request a copy of the will.

www.gov.uk/wills-probate-inheritance/searching-for-probate-records

There is a small cost

My three boys each have their own bank accounts. The eldest has the most saved and the youngest has the least, as you'd expect. I'd never put it all together and divide by three. After all, the youngest will still be getting birthday cheques etc after the eldest has headed off to uni!

HOWEVER, your situation is completely different. Your eldest was favoured by family and given more. In your situation I would split any money given on that basis to make it fair.

But I would never tell them - they don't need to know.

I would split it and in my head I would justify it as a bequest to 'grandchildren' present and future.

I would split it.

Split it if you believe your grandad would have approved.

Agree - don't split - not yours to do so.
save more for DS 2 so that it evens out a bit.

It is hyper-egalitarianism. You are penalising your first born for living longer while not recognising there is longer for savings to be built up for your youngest before he will need access to that money.

My parents made this mistake over ishoos of not feeling fairly treated as they were younger, but were very blinkered to the benefits they did gain from that. We have a strained relationship over it tbh.

It is acceptable to add to your youngest's but not to take away from your eldest's savings.

You can't split IMO, but I have the same issue with my DC. Money was given when DC1 was born but not DC2, so I'm just making sure they have the same amount given to them when they get their 'pot' as adults. I do save for them when I can or if I get some unexpected money for example so I'm just putting all into DC2's account, although it's harder with 2 having the same spare cash as I did with DC1!

A couple of points to deal with here!

"Sounds like you haven't handled the money correctly so far."

I think I've handled both of their money perfectly well so far; I make sure I move the money annually to make sure that they are both benefiting from the best rates of interest. And I haven't split any money - I'm still trying to work out whether it would be fair to do so.

"DS1is also entitled to any interest on the £1,200 btw."

Of course! I spend a lot of time researching accounts to make sure that they both get as much as they can out of their money, so that I hand over as much as possible when they are old enough.

"Consider the lesson you're teaching DS1 that someones perception of fairness means its okay to steal."
Bit harsh! For one thing, I haven't split the money, and even if I did think that was the fairest thing to do, neither of them would know anything about where it came from.

To clarify; currently, DS1 has approx £2k saved. DS2 has approc £700. Not all of this is down to birthday money; as I mentioned in my OP my "family" saved for a year and gave DS1 a lump on his first birthday. They did not do anything for DS2. (And not because they couldn't, or for any other reason than that they are not nice people - they were trying to punish me, I think, by treating my children differently.)

I wasn't aware that I could get a copy of the will - thanks for the info. I will definitely do that and see what it said. (I assume no one needs to know that I've done this do they? I really don't want to trigger any kind of communication with the NC family.)

I wouldn't split. When u give it to him , privately explain (facts only, no emotional persuasion) and ask if he wants to give some to his brother. Let it be his choice because it's his money.

Anyway, the little brother will probably have the same because he will have a few more years after DS1 and u can save then or his cash gifts will be larger as people's incomes tend to increase over the years.

I am sure that your grandfather would have left money for DS2 had he lived.

I would leave the £1000 where it is, but make up your DS2's account to the same amount, if necessary by depositing more in it for birthdays etc and less in DS1's.

Premium bonds would be a bad idea. Have a look on Money Saving Expert.

I think it's a really tricky moral dilemma. I'm not sure what I would do. I think it's should all go to DC1 but then I imagine that the grandad would have wanted the money split. I'd probably split it but I'd feel a bit bad

I worry about this situation. I know that when my gps die, they have left a small amount of money to my children in their wills. My brother is yet to have children, but I imagine he will in the next few years. In my head, if they die before he has children, that's not fair, that one set of grand children get something and the others don't, because they weren't born yet. If they had been born they would be named in the will.

If I were you op, I would split it, tell the DC when they were older they had that much each from gp and not mention it again.

£2 a week for the next 10 years will balance it out and is doable on even an extremely low income, just get him to take the bin out every week and bank his earnings.

I'd split the money
It isn't a lifechanging amount, but it is enough to cause a wedge between them at 18

For the sake of a few hundred pounds, let them both have an even start. As you said, it's what your grandfather would have done if DC2 had been born when he died

Don't split but top up ds2's money yourself bit by bit to even things out.

IMO the money shouldn't be made even!
As others have said, when DS1 gets the money, DS2 will still have years left to receive birthday money etc.
Even if your family is more generous with one than the other, I am not sure you could morally take the money from one to give the other, as it was for a specific recipient...
What if they have different sets of godparents and dome are more generous than the others?

Hi Abel, I wasn't accusing you of stealing, and it definitely sounds like you are putting a lot of thought into making sure you are doing things the right way! As above, I think you need to find out if there was a will and if so what it said. This might let you off the hook, as you say.

It isn't a lifechanging amount, but it is enough to cause a wedge between them at 18

True - but surely if I was DS1 I would be VERY pissed off at 18 to discover that I Had been left money for me and half of it had been given to my younger brother. That would cause an even bigger wedge IMO.

I wouldn't split it at all.

I think for me a lot would depend on whether there was a will. If it was just a cash gift at the time he died I would have no problem splitting it. If it was in a will then I would probably keep it with DS1, but then I would have no problem only saving for DS2 until you had put 1k more into DS2s account (it might still come to less because of the birthday differences and compounding - that's fine).

I wouldn't say it's unfair to save for DS2 not DS1. DS1 got a bit of luck from his Grandad before DS2 was born. You are now evening things up a bit.

FWIW my parents did the same for my younger sister. I inherited from my Grandma who died before my sister was born. The money was split between me and 2 cousins, so my Dad didn't feel it was fair to ask my cousins to take less or to ask me to halve mine compared with what my cousins got, and luckily was in the position to give my sister an equivalent amount so we all had a bit of a foot up: it never occurred to me to think that was "unfair" and I still don't - I don't think most people would!) If he hadn't been in a position to do that then I would have wanted to split my share of the money with my sister anyway (but I'm sure this will depend a lot on the siblings in question and what their relationship is like, what their financial circumstances are at the time, etc. etc.)

Good luck whatever you decide, and try not to worry too much: hopefully they'll be brought up to think that any kind of inheritance is something you are very lucky to get, and that sometimes luck isn't fairly distributed.