To let DS go to her friend's party instead of MIL's?

[Blup]

DD is 5, and can get very nervous about unknown situations. She has always refused to go to birthday parties unless I'm with her the whole time. This has started to be problematic, because she's reaching an age where no one's parents stay at parties. We've been working on encouraging her to give parties a go, but it has often descended into tears and she has always refused to go without me there.

One of her friends is having a party soon, and DD has decided she'd like to go. This is big progress. She says she thinks she'll be ok without me, as she knows this friend's mum quite well and she's nice. Also, the party is in a clay modelling place, and she's keen to try that. Great. I'm playing it cool, but really glad to see her wanting to go, and being happy to go. I think it'll be really good for her to see that she can do this!

However, the party is on MIL's birthday. MIL has planned an outing to a country park for the day, followed by dinner. There is no way of getting DD to the country park bit if she also goes to the friend's party, as the timings just won't work. I've said we'll join them for dinner, though. MIL is now upset, claiming her party just won't be the same without DD there. There'll be plenty of other family there, and in all honesty, at these events MIL pays very little attention to DD. DD doesn't mind going, but isn't that fussed because she'll be with her cousins all day and they don't have much in common - there's a bit of an age/interests gap.

It's not a special birthday of MIL's or anything like that.

Now, I recognise that my view may be coloured by:

1. Being so keen to see DD enjoy a friend's party
2. Being a bit fed up of MIL's demands in general
3. Finding it slightly silly for an adult to insist on such a fuss being made of their birthday

but am I unreasonable to let DD go to the friend's party, and just join MIL & co for the meal? DH is siding with MIL as he doesn't want a fuss.

If it was my Mum, she would be telling me to make damn sure my child went to the other child's birthday party...

We don't really get invited to MIL's stuff - it's just assumed we'll go. We get told what's happening. So we didn't "accept an invitation" as such. In fact, I'm not sure I ever said I'd go - it was just assumed.

DD will have seen MIL 2 days before, and will see her again a few days later, as DH takes the DCs to his parents' house twice a week.

Mimsy, my mum's the same. She'd be mortified if any of us turned down something like that for a regular birthday of hers - she'll always check that we're available on the day she wants, and is happy to celebrate the week before or after if it makes it easier.

I'm surprised it's so unanimous, as I was worried I was being unreasonable. I also feel slightly guilty because I'll have a nicer time DD goes to the party - my friend's DD is going too, so friend and i will take ourselves off for coffee and a catch up once we've settled the girls. If I go with ILs it'll be a day of listening to them yelling and messing about.

I think, given your DD's party issue, it should be her friend's party that is prioritised.

It's a bit shit that her Dad puts his own quiet life ahead of what is best for his daughter.

YANBU at all.

I hope your OH comes around.

Your MIL is acting like a child. Of course she can go to both.

What about your husband?

Will he still go to the whole day?

I know that first invitations should really be adhered to once accepted, but tbh as an adult if I had another offer in such circumstances & could get to the evening meal, I'd probably do both.

Life's too short to spend a whole day doing something you don't want to if you can spend just an evening doing it

Generally get on ok with MIL, though I find her quite fake - lots of glee over her wonderful family and how fabulous they all are, but actually they're not that supportive of each other and mainly seem to go to the many family events she organises because they feel they have to.

DH and DS would still go to the full day. DD and i would join them all for dinner.

DH and DS would still go to the full day. DD and i would join them all for dinner.

Sounds perfect.

Do that. Only someone v U would kick up a fuss about that.

Navy, I'm not that fond of her, no, but we do get on ok, and I'd like her to have a nice birthday. But I feel DD needs to go to the friend's party more than MIL needs have DD at her party. DH actually likes MIL much less than I do, but is too scared to stand up to her, so just goes along and resents it.

What does it matter whether the op likes her mil or not? You don't have to like someone just because you married into their family.
Same way you don't have to do as that person wants. Op is an adult she can make the decision where her DD goes.

I think its brilliant that your DD is keen to go to this party as she has been so worried/anxious about them in the past.

If MIL kicks off then this should be explained to her by her son.

She's being pathetic quite frankly. DD will be there for the meal so her day is going to be far from ruined.

FGS, she's a grown woman who has had millions of birthdays. She needs to get a grip.

Ok not millions of birthdays, but you know what I mean

No, Navy, I'd still want DD to go to the friend's party, because it's an important thing for her to do, even if I thought we'd all have a great time at MIL's. But when you also factor in that MIL is likely to ignore DD for most of the time, it makes it even more reason to want her to go to her friend's.

If she was fond of her mil I'd reckon the mil wouldn't be making ridiculous demands that everyone jumps up and spends a day wandering around a country park. She sounds difficult and self-absorbed.

Take your dd to the friend's party and let your dh deal with his mother.

"DH and DS would still go to the full day. DD and i would join them all for dinner."

Oh well then!

I mean for goodness sake, it's a good compromise, isn't it?

Can it really be a shock to a GM that a GC might want to go to a party & then join you afterwards?

You can be fond of her but still want your child to do something else. Just because mil is an adult it doesn't mean she gets to dictate what happens.
Adults making a big deal of their own birthdays are faintly ridiculous.

Absolutely DD should go to her friend's party! Your mil is being v self-centred.

Think your DH needs to deal with this one. Your Mil sounds like hard work

DH is siding with MIL as he doesn't want a fuss.

This is not a great situation. MIL can't be getting her own way every time she makes a fuss.

"DH is siding with MIL as he doesn't want a fuss."

Would she make more of a fuss than the 5yr old then?

She sounds like my lovely dils mum. om paper you would think she was the most amazing gran! Ha bloody ha. So false.

Your mil should be encouraging your dd to go to her friends and be really excited and supportive of her taking this big step. That's the gran I try to be.

Silly moo.

YANBU. MIL isn't even having a party, it's a walk in the bloody park.

You and DD will be there for the dinner
Your DH and DS will be there all day
Your DD is finally overcoming a big fear and this is important
You were never formally invited, just assumed you were going
Any adult who throws a strop doesn't deserve to have it paid attention to

Enjoy your coffee and catch up.