To let DS go to her friend's party instead of MIL's?

[Blup]

DD is 5, and can get very nervous about unknown situations. She has always refused to go to birthday parties unless I'm with her the whole time. This has started to be problematic, because she's reaching an age where no one's parents stay at parties. We've been working on encouraging her to give parties a go, but it has often descended into tears and she has always refused to go without me there.

One of her friends is having a party soon, and DD has decided she'd like to go. This is big progress. She says she thinks she'll be ok without me, as she knows this friend's mum quite well and she's nice. Also, the party is in a clay modelling place, and she's keen to try that. Great. I'm playing it cool, but really glad to see her wanting to go, and being happy to go. I think it'll be really good for her to see that she can do this!

However, the party is on MIL's birthday. MIL has planned an outing to a country park for the day, followed by dinner. There is no way of getting DD to the country park bit if she also goes to the friend's party, as the timings just won't work. I've said we'll join them for dinner, though. MIL is now upset, claiming her party just won't be the same without DD there. There'll be plenty of other family there, and in all honesty, at these events MIL pays very little attention to DD. DD doesn't mind going, but isn't that fussed because she'll be with her cousins all day and they don't have much in common - there's a bit of an age/interests gap.

It's not a special birthday of MIL's or anything like that.

Now, I recognise that my view may be coloured by:

1. Being so keen to see DD enjoy a friend's party
2. Being a bit fed up of MIL's demands in general
3. Finding it slightly silly for an adult to insist on such a fuss being made of their birthday

but am I unreasonable to let DD go to the friend's party, and just join MIL & co for the meal? DH is siding with MIL as he doesn't want a fuss.

I agree with your viewpoints. YANBU
Your DD should go to her friends party. She will come away from the experience with so much more than if she was with your MIL and family for the afternoon, iykwim.

Your MIL should put your DD's needs before her own just as any loving and doting GP would. And your DH should do the same!

Definitely friends party. MIL is being ridiculous. Do is your DH!! What is it with these men who won't "upset" their mothers but happy to upset their wife?!!

Not unreasonableat all. Sounds like a great opportunity to spread her wings a bit. She's your daughter not your MIL'S, so do what is best for her.

First off, the majority of parents still stay at 5 year olds' parties where I am. It's very variable (as threads on here will show you) so don't get dragged into thinking your DD 'needs' to get over this. I can see how socially you want her to fit in but it's fine.

However, I woul certainly let her go to he friend's party in there circumstances. She'll still be coming for the meal. MIL is being precious.

Does your husband usually not like to disagree with his mother?

Definitely let DD go to her friends party. If she goes she might be able to always go to friends parties. If she's forced to go to MIL instead she might lose her nerve.

Your MIL shovel love DD and want her to be happy.

Your DH is a pathetic idiot for siding with his mother because he doesn't want the grief from you. When you're married, your spouse should come before your parents when it involves your child.

Let her go to her friend's party.

I'm usually in the 'go with the first accepted invite first' camp but in this case it's different. Imo it doesn't matter if you said she'd go to mil's party first, mil is an adult so should understand that this is a big thing for her 5 yo granddaughter and be pleased that she's trying to overcome her fear.

If it was a big birthday or mil was very old and unlikely to have many more then it'd be a bit different but for a general birthday day out and dinner, the latter part you'll both go to, then let your dd go to her friend's party.

Friend's party, definitely. And your MIL needs to grow up and think about what's best for her DGD rather than her own selfishness! It's not like you said you'd sack her birthday off completely, you said you'd meet up for the meal after so she can get off her matriarchal high horse and stop whining.

YANBU. And yes, round my way it's quite normal for some parents to stay at 5yo parties too - in fact most do, it's more rare to drop and run at that point.

Ah yes - missed the bottom line about your DH - he's being pathetic. Ignore him and do what is best for your DD!

sod the MIL, will be much more beneficial for ur daughter's social skills/ life to go to the party.
put your foot down :)

Friends party followed by dinner. Mil and Dh should grow up.

I'm surprised it's so unanimous to be honest. It doesn't seem that big a deal for a 5 year old to be nervous about being left so I'm not sure I'm getting the desperate urgency for her to attend this particular party. If she was 10 or something I would get it. I can't imagine this one party is the make or break moment where her independence will suddenly be built!

NavyandWhite

no, it's common sense!
You would force your child to miss out on a party for a walk in a park, whilst the actual birthday is celebrated at a party diner that you will both attend?
Really?

Well if I'd accepted Mil's invite first then I wouldn't have even told me child about the party invite. If she somehow knew already then yes, I would tell my child that we had other plans. Of course the party invite may have come first anyway in which case I'd honour that. The strength of the reactions on here are really surprising me.

Attending just the meal for MIL's bday sounds fine imo.

Will your husband still be able to go to the country park or does it mean that none of you can go?

I totally agree with longdiling.

If you agreed to go to MIL's thing first then you should go.

The key bit of missing info is which invitation did you receive first and had you already accepted one before the other arrived? If you'd already told MIL you're going it would be v rude to renege for a kid's birthday party. If you've accepted the party, MIL is v unreasonable to expect you to renege on that.

The 1st invite should be accepted as good manners and we all know on mn you don't accept a better offe

But can understand if friends party was 2nd and why you would want dd to attend as 1) she's wants to so a big thing 2) her friend 3) you can see mil for dinner

Tbh mil sound a bit precious tbh

I think we must have the same MIL. Even if you received the invitation after you'd told MIL you'd engage in her celebrations, most reasonable adults who claim to love their gc would realise that at 5, a birthday party is important.

Normally, I'd say you go with the invite you first accepted.

But in this case, I'd say go to the friend's party regardless. If you turn this invite down now, it may knock your DD's confidence for the next party.

And an adult getting upset about a child missing an all day gathering, where it seems the child will be bored and be ignored anyway, for a non-significant birthday, is being silly.

You've said you'll be there for the dinner, that's good enough.

DH is siding with MIL as he doesn't want a fuss.

Does your MIL often make demands? And does your DH always side with her as he doesn't want a fuss? If so, that doesn't sound good.

I would usually say that whichever invitation was accepted first would apply.

But I think in this case it's a fair compromise to go to the meal only.

I think it's asking a lot to give up a whole day for a bday.

How often do you see MIL?

So many have asked but now I'm dying to know which invite came first!

She needs to go to that party- this is a massive step for her and to be told now after working herself up to saying she wants to go, that she won't be going after all could really affect her. It's moments like that children remember.

All of my kids had millions of party invites at that age as everyone did whole class parties so if we'd prioritised them then we wouldn't have gone anywhere on a weekend for about 2 years!!