To wonder why so many relationships fail after having children

[Yummymummy30s]

I have a few friends whose relationships went bad after having a child ; some were together years before having children. I have also read a lot of posts where the partner/husband had changed during pregnancy / not long after birth.
Is it more common for relationships to break down after having children? Why is this ??

According to a mate of mine who divorced post children, the dynamic in the relationship changed. Simple, if harsh.

DH and I have been on the brink many times since DD, sadly. We love her more than anything, but the emotional, physical and psychological toll pregnancy and PND took on me was extremely hard. Didn't make me the nicest/easiest person to live with.

We've been lucky to work through it, but I absolutely see how separation and divorce can be the only solution for some.

Relationship gone to shit since baby - any saving us?

Had my DD 8 months ago, absolute light of my life and I adore being a mum. My DP on the other hand hasn’t adapted to family life as well. He loves her so much but has slowly backed off from doing any housework and tbh I do 95% of DDs care. He admitted to me a few months ago he isn’t enjoying family life, I think this made me resent him a bit. He ‘wants me back’, feels like I’m neglecting him etc. I’m trying my best, I really am trying. My libido is crap these days, I suffered a 3rd degree tear in birth so recovery was rough and I still get pain/strange sensations etc down there. We still do those things, just not as often as we did pre DD. He had a close family member pass away recently, it’s been really tough but especially on him. I’ve been as supportive as I can and we’ve spent a lot of time with family etc. He goes to the gym 4 nights a week and on his days off if he ever wants to do anything, I’m always supportive, yet I can’t even nip out for an hour because DD won’t settle for him. He feels I’m just a nag and always have to pick faults when we’re on a good run. I guess I do but sometimes I just feel resentful that the housework and baby jobs land on me, yet if I bring it up he just tells me the stress he has of paying the house bills - I’ve just gone back to work part time and do contribute a couple of hundred. I just can’t bare the bickering and atmosphere. I so desperately do not want to break up. I want my DD to have her family together with siblings (you guessed it, I didn’t have that). I guess I just want to hear about other peoples similar experiences. I heard the first year was tough but jeeees.

No they weren't for me.

But then no one can know how hard it to have kids with additional needs until they actually have kids with additional needs. It soon shows you who how selfish some people (men) are.

Some relationships totally change. I realised I mothered my husband a bit and did lot of running around after him. I so didn't have the energy for that once we had kids and needed him to pull his weight around the house. He felt neglected and that I had stopped caring about him. Took some marriage counselling to settle into our change of roles and see things from each others perspectives.

I think it can make or break you, depends on the strength of the relationship. We have one child and had to go through years of infertility and IVF for our second (I’m now pregnant with)…my friend said that must have been tough and lots of marriages end in divorce with struggles like this but I think that’s the same for any major life event - there is a possibility it could tear you apart. Conversely, there’s a possibility it could bring you closer together if you ride the storm hand in hand…I think thats the most important thing, to ride the storm together but if you feel as a woman you’re going through all the difficult stages of a child: terrible twos, teething, sleepless nights etc or if you have struggled on the way with miscarriages and your other half is absent then I can see how you’d lose the love and respect for them…these things are hard enough to go through without anyone by your side.

Having kids is incredibly stressful and tiring.

You go from being an adult couple with very few responsibilities, to suddenly having to keep tiny humans alive and all your time and energy and money suddenly goes on them. It can also lead to inequalities in the relationship becoming much starker, if one parent is doing all the work or has made greater sacrifices in their professional and personal life whilst the other parent carries on almost as they did before, which can cause resentment.

It's also hard to find the time and energy for sex when your kids are very small.

I love my kids and I love my husband but our first couple of years as parents has been hard on our relationship, and we were (happy) together for nearly 10 years before our son was born.

I suggest you start a new thread as people will be responding to the OP.

Thanks so much for your messages, I didn’t mean to post on this thread - new to mumsnet - but glad I did. I’m definitely feeling some resentment I need to work on. Him not taking to it as I thought he would I think has made me look at him differently. I’ve got to stick this out haven’t I and try make it work…wish me luck. I just want the same man I met back, I’m sure he feels the same about me..

I have done, don’t know how I managed to post on here 🤦🏼‍♀️

Because pre kids women are "accommodating" and "nice" and ingratiate themselves by volunteering for chores like buying his mums birthday present and making the home nice and "not being controlling" about him being at football all day and out with his mates at night.

Then when kids come along suddenly there is a whole bunch of extra domestic stuff to do and he doesnt understand that he should (always have been) doing so much more and why is his wife being soooooo controlling, he works soooo hard all week and just needs time out to recharge. He cant do nights because he "doesnt cope" and has "an important job" which "brings in the money" to support "her (maternity) time off".

Basically pre kids the marriage worked because she put his sort of man first and when a child knocks him off pole position he is wide eyed and she is pissed off.

Woah. Pretty much nail on head here. I think I need to toughen up 🤦🏼‍♀️

It's so hard having children. It's not just the looking after the baby bit, it's the extra washing, extra food shops, lack of sleep, school runs, summer hols, it's ALOT. And at some point I think it hits all parents that holey fuck you are in this for life. I genuinely think that it makes or it breaks a couple. We have three kids now and I think we are stronger for it. Don't get me wrong we argue over the most ridiculous things but I know we are both in the same place. That said we have both sacrificed ALOT for our kids so I can absolutely see why relationships break unless both sides are prepared to go in for the long haul with both feet.

I have one friend with children who seems to be in the process of splitting up, and one other who worked on things with her husband.

In the former case, I think kids are a red herring. He's an incessant gamer who is fifteen years older than her, she's a party loving traveller. He joined in a bit at first, before settling back into gaming. I know my friend, and she wouldn't be content with him. The kids are the only thing prolonging the relationship.

In the latter, he was very "big job, must be given time to decompress" - when she had been dealing with their headstrong child all day. She read him the riot act, got several promotions herself, and he quit the job that was making him a terrible dad and husband. I think they'll be OK, because they're a lot more compatible, and have actively fixed the tricky issues.

I think this can be a normal phase and it's definitely worth trying to get through it if you loved him before.

It is necessary to start being more assertive yourself. Your baby is old enough now to be left with Dad while you go to the gym for an hour 4x a week, or whatever equivalent activity. Get your partner doing his fair share of childcare, sole charge, while you go and do your thing. Once he feels equally responsible for his child, he will enjoy it more. Don't bend over backwards to stay home with baby so he can go out - that will paradoxically just make him feel more neglected and unnecessary.

IMO if you work PT and he is FT you should do most of the housework but he should also contribute depending how much time he has. I would prioritise the childcare - housework is less important at this stage.

If you feel less tired and more like a team, and have more time away from your child doing the odd activity that you enjoy, you will probably feel more keen on your partner again, but obviously don't feel under pressure to have sex if you don't feel like it, but it's surprising how much more sexy you can feel once some mum pressure is taken off.

Definitely don't have another child any time soon though - having 2 is much worse. Wait until things are much improved.