To wonder why so many relationships fail after having children

[Yummymummy30s]

I have a few friends whose relationships went bad after having a child ; some were together years before having children. I have also read a lot of posts where the partner/husband had changed during pregnancy / not long after birth.
Is it more common for relationships to break down after having children? Why is this ??

[LanaorAna1]

The facts are pretty clear in terms of yer statistics: married people stay together more if they've got children, whereas 80 per cent of partnerships break down before the first child is 5.

I've often noticed that MN seems to be something of a sanctuary for the endangered lady partner, rammed full of posters saying they've been happily unmarried for 30 years, etc.

This is UK only, mind you. Most other countries have fewer single parents.

[GnomeDePlume]

A friend of mine described something which he called 'second child syndrome'. Goes something like this:

Couple are as happy as larks, decide to have a baby. Baby arrives and then hell's teeth it is hard work. No longer happy as larks but it will soon get back to normal wont it? Somehow they have another child and then they realise this is the new normal. One or the other of them looks outside the marriage and the marriage is then dead in the water.

I a have seen it happen many times over at work.

[OTheHugeManatee]

I'm sure this isn't always the way but I've seen a few relationships implode post-baby because the dynamic was very much one partner being the 'parent' to the other. It can work fine for ages pre-children, but when a real baby enters the picture and the partner in the 'child' role is suddenly expected to step up they feel confused and neglected, while the partner in the 'adult' role feels angry and let down. They can't resume the roles that made their relationship stable and unless they can adapt to new roles the relationship collapses.

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

We were together 20 years before having children. We went through a situation worse than most people ever experience and I knew having children would be a walk in the park in comparison and it was- we got twins too. The divorce rate amongst twin parents seems very high anecdotally.

That said after such stress children could've been the straw that broke the camels back and we could've just got fed up with each other

[BettyCrystal]

I know women who have married "a" guy because they wanted to have kids (and a wedding). Age is usually a factor. They did not marry "the" guy. It's not even settling, it's prioritising having a family over a romantic relationship. It's a choice.
Also, I think we're sold an idealistic version of marriage & motherhood. It wasn't like that in our grandmothers day. Lots of women stayed, didn't get divorced. And children weren't considered the Holy Grail that they are nowadays...

[BikeRunSki]

My DSis once told me that she and her husband were never closer to splitting up than when their 2nd child was 2.

A few years later - and parents to a non-sleeping 2 year old and her might-be-on-the-spectrum 5 year old - I found out exactly what she meant.

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

Lanaor that's really interesting- is that unmarried at birth or never married? Everyone I know who had children outside of marriage got married a year or two later

[frumpet]

I had my first child relatively early for MN at 23 as a single parent . I didn't have much 'me' time before that as I was always counted in the numbers when it came to my parents 'childcare' , so in 45 years I had the years 0-10 care free and happy , then 18-22 , other than that I have been looking after a child . DH on the other hand was child free until he was 40 ! So we have had and still have the odd tricky time ! Leaving him has crossed my mind on several occasions

[raisedbyguineapigs]

I think the dynamic changes so much when you have children, it is easy to lose yourself or become resentful of the other partner. As others have said where as a couple, you might have shared household chores, gone out together, had less to do around the house, suddenly you have gone from being equals to one person, usually the woman giving up work or going part time, so doing more of the drudge work, going out less and losing herself and the man still having g a social life, drinks after work etc.
I also know quite a few long term relationships that have broken down within a year of marriage. If there was a reason why they didn't get married for 10/20 whatever years, what's changed? Sometimes the relationship has run its course and it's a last ditch attempt to save it, or one person wants to get married and has worn the other down. Who knows? It's sad.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Odd that the OP hasn't come back to comment. She has lots of interesting -daily fail fodder well considered viewpoints.

[Houseconfusion]

It's amazing people are giving the fodder to such a blatantly obvious op. It's a student with an essay to write or a "journalist" with the daily hate

[OnionKnight]

Having children is like throwing a hand grenade into the middle of a relationship, some survive but some don't.

[SuzyLucy]

Personally I think it is in part due to the reality that most of the shite parts of being a parent fall to women and their lives often change the most. I have found the relentless drugery has mostly fallen on my shoulders. IE, the majority of housework, the everyday organisation of a family, arranging the childcare, etc. I collect the children from after school club so cant just go out on a whim with colleagues like DH doe so my social life is affected. I worked FT for a while and felt pressure from many to reduce my hours so now I work PT in a "little admin job" which is well below my abilities. I dont think I am unusual for many women and if my relationship was weaker then I can see why it may end. Basically, my life has changed alot more than his and I do more of the crap stuff.

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

It's an interesting point Suzy. The way I have dealt with that is childcare is 50/50 (housework has never been) I maintain this by working full time nand refusing to interfere with his part. I have friends who have left their children uncollected at childcare (after the 5pm phone call saying he's working late could try just do pick up today) to show him that his Job isn't more
Important.

You do what you have to do but who is really suffering? Our children I suppose. Life with young children is tough

[BettyCrystal]

My mother says exactly that, Onion. She reckons that my Dad was there for her during PND & that made all the difference to them as a couple.

[FarAwayHills]

because they were utterly utterly unprepared for the total upheaval that children bring and instead of facing that as a team - turned on each other

^
This

Many people have very unrealistic expectations of being a parent and of life with children. I've heard some friends say 'life's not going to change when I have a baby, the baby will have to fit in with us'. These are the very ones that struggled the most to adjust to life as parents. They were just not prepared for the fact that life does change and once a child arrives their needs will always come first.

Then there are those that think they know it all pre children. The ones that look down at parents of screaming babies or tantruming toddlers and their inferior parenting skills thinking 'my child won't be like that'. These types also struggle because their vision of the perfect family and superior parenting just doesn't match the reality which comes as quite a shock.

[Brightredpencil]

I question your motives in starting this thread OP. Do you really lack the empathy or insight to think of the (obvious) reasons for yourself? Or are you simply unbearably smug and self righteous?

[lacktoastandtolerance]

Aside from the fact that having a child dramatically changes dynamics, as already pointed out, there's also the fact that couples with children who split are generally more conspicuous.

Because of the impact on the children, it's a bigger decision than a non-child breakup, and probably more likely to be remembered. Humans tend to spot patterns too, even if thru don't exist, and even if breakups are evenly distributed, we notice those which are near to significant events, e.g. having children.

[ollieplimsoles]

All the couples I know who this happened to seem to have got together just to have children, and they had nothing about them as a couple, so when the going got tough nothing else held them together.

Before kids it was the fairytale of having a baby they both has painted in their minds that they bonded over, they realised the reality is very different

[Topseyt]

Everyone else has covered it all really.

I would describe having a baby as a total culture shock. A sea change that happens almost overnight. It can be so totally overwhelming. Whilst plenty of relationships do survive, plenty do not and it really can't be that hard to imagine why!! Surely!

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Do you have children OP? If not, have some and you'll find out why so many relationships fail!

[WhooooAmI24601]

I think part of it is to do with your maturity. Not age, because that has nothing to do with maturity; willingness to put someone else first, willingness to work at things, devotion to your own family rather than looking elsewhere.

The couples we know who've split after children were always going to split; it was impossible not to see way before it happened. Children are probably the biggest challenge a couple can face. Tiredness, bitterness and feeling unrecognised can cause so much damage in such a short time.

[JohnLithgowsLargeForehead]

I think it puts a strain on any relationship, good or bad.. Me and DP have always been close and we agree on so much to do with DS, do our fair share each, and it still occasionally tests us. It's hard! But then we become stronger.

[wheresthel1ght]

I have seen it happen a few times. I think in part as has been mentioned relationships haven't been great and kids have either been the logical next step or a band aid on a dicey relationship.

For me, dp and I simply have no "us" time. He works nights, I work days. He works rotating shifts that are irregular and so mostly gets his days off mid week when I am at work. He chooses to ignore chores and do stuff for him and it leads to a huge amount of resentment because I never get a break. I may not work weekends but I have dd who is shit at going to bed is always on the go with no support and eow I get his kids from his marriage to look after too. This was my choice before I fell pregnant as his ex is utterly unreasonable and her bf (other man) refuses to have the kids in the house when his girls aren't there (he is rp) so the previous contact schedule of the 3 consecutive weekends dp doesn't work being his contact and the 3 he does being hers was refused and eow weekend was demanded.

I am always shattered. I have no energy and as a result the nights he is home I end up in bed by 8 so we just never seem to catch back up. It is hard and I do feel like we are living separately to each other. We are growing apart in some ways. Not all relationships are strong enough to be able to address is before it is too late. But often I have noticed that life is so busy that it gets to that point before anyone had even realised.