To wonder why so many relationships fail after having children

[Yummymummy30s]

I have a few friends whose relationships went bad after having a child ; some were together years before having children. I have also read a lot of posts where the partner/husband had changed during pregnancy / not long after birth.
Is it more common for relationships to break down after having children? Why is this ??

Babies = permanent lack of sleep
Permanent lack of sleep = grumpy people
'Entitled' modern attitudes + grumpy people = lack of willingness to stick to wedding vows in order to seek greener grass because they are 'worth it'.

Pretty simple I reckon.

My DH and I never argued before having children. We disagreed about things, had the odd 'row' but nothing that exposed any kind of fundamental difference between us.

Since having children it has revealed really horrid aspects of (being completely honest) both our personalities, and at times has really tested us as a couple. At times it has been really hard work: illness, work pressure and family deaths have all contributed to a difficult few years, and once you add children into the mix everything kind of implodes.

Until we had children the division of personal time/family time/couple time wasn't a problem. Now it is our biggest problem.

But we work on it. Try and be better. Children definitely have enhanced our relationship, but I can see why so many break down once they enter and change the dynamic.

Apologies for going slightly off topic but - put having kids to one side, how come lots of couples that have been together absolutely in totally happiness for a long time, like several years or even longer, decided to get married, then divorced within a year?! I find that bizarre!? I know a quite a few couples that have done this. They have either had kids together already or not.

Expectations of mothers have shifted less than expectations of women.

I thin it's because they never should have got married in the first place (which is why they didn't) but get married because they dint know what else to do, then suddenly realise the gravity of what they have committed themselves to.

Mine ended because my ex cheated. Nothing to do with my son.

When life is easy, relationships are easy. Anything that makes life very difficult will expose how strong your relationship really is.

Mine ended because I had always been previously very independent. I was the bread winner and I did everything in the house. That suited us both fine.

Up until DS was born in the most awful circumstances which resulted in us both in intensive care and a 2 month stay in hospital for both of us followed by a year of not being able to work due to ongoing operations for me and the baby.

Suddenly, I was dependent on my DH - and he was hopeless and let us both down in numerous ways.

In an attempt to provide for us, he eventually took a job 3 hours away from home and only came home at weekends.

I coped, but began to make a life without him.

Finally, when I was better and DS was bigger and stronger and had had his final operation (a cochlear implant - he is profoundly
Deaf) I retrained, I became strong and independent again and realised I didn't need someone as a partner who could fail so completely to support me when things were tough.

It changed the dynamic. Being the strong, independent one is all good - up until it's the weaker, less capable partner who has to take over.

In my case, it was jealousy. Ex-H was very jealous of the time I spent with our babies. I'm a care-giver type (I work in a caring job, have always cared for relatives etc) and I tend to be lavish in my attentions to my partner. Obviously, the pressures of having a baby and breastfeeding (combined with him not helping!) caused me to have less energy for that.

He became resentful and emotionally distant. I couldn't get him back after they were older.

I think this is a really good question. Am happy to be honest and say DH and I have been in a really rocky patch but are working really hard on coming through it. In our case it absolutely was related to becoming parents and all the differences of opinion that exposed.

Talking about having kids before they arrive is ABSOLUTELY USELESS IMO - I suppose it's worth a shot, but when I look back on the conversations we had before an actual baby had appeared and wrecked our sleep, sex life, social life, etc it's incredible how naive we were. It reminds me of that Michael McIntyre sketch about childless couples vs those with kids. 'Oh you'll be such a good dad!' Fast forward to having an 8 month old and said dad has got up in the night precisely twice...

From my own experience my partner became abusive whilst I was pregnant, it escalated when da was born and eventually ended with me in hospital getting my head glues together.

Because having a babies completely changes life, and some people don't like change. They say of you can survive first year you have a good chance of lasting....

I walked out when DS was four months (taking him with me obviously) because me and DH seemed to do nothing but argue. We were incredibly sleep deprived and stressed and we just took it out on each other. One morning I woke up, something really simple made me snap and I thought I just couldn't take it anymore. I went to stay with my mom for a while but did eventually go home and after a breather things seemed to improve a little. Things then got hard again when DS was 7 months, as we were seriously sleep deprived (maybe getting 4 hours broken sleep a night) and I felt angry/jealous that DH's life seemed easier than mine and again we argued lots. We actually did speak of breaking up as things just didn't seem to be working anymore but then we had a really good chat and addressed all the issues that were negatively affecting our marriage and things slowly returned to normal. DS is now just over two and everything is five but God, the strain a baby can put on a relationship is huge.

My friend is due a baby in two months time and she's already in quite a volatile relationship: he thinks babies are women's work and they have huge arguments about all sorts of things (think swearing at each other all the time) so I do worry how things will be when baby arrives.

As a previous poster said, if there are cracks in a relationship then having a baby can blow things apart, but on the other hand even fantastic relationships can't withhold the strain because until a baby comes on the scene there's no way of knowing how the new parent (mom or dad) will react to the difficulties a baby brings.

Having kids is a stressful time. Mum is often exhausted for years on end ( I know I was). There was financial pressure to go back to work after a few months and then we have always worked around each other ( me doing mainly nightshifts when the kids were young). It meant no family time, as I worked at weekends and evenings, which meant we were both exhusted as dh worked all week then had the kids all weekend, we both felt like lone parents. I think whilst it is great that women can keep their career going after kids it is often a massive juggle to do so.
Fortunately our marriage has survived the hard years when kids are very young but I think this is only because my dh is very patient and does his fair share of the housework and childcare and has been totally devoted to his kids. He also doesn't have much desire to go off doing hobbies or going out much with mates so doesn't feel resentful.

Me and my DP have found it hard losing the spontaneity of just going to see a film, or just out for dinner/drinks, and as a result we forget to make time for each other. One of us will babysit whilst the other goes out, 18months down the line and we have been out together three times. We have been together 10yrs and it's hard. I've also found that any disagreements we have had feel bigger because of sleep deprivation/lack of communication. We are just coming through the other side of a hard few months, I can see why happy couples can seperate after children.

Resentment
Tiredness
Lack of (unable to) communication
Over bearing and interfering inlaws who before now had little or less involvement in your life

It's hard to have time to work on your relationship once you have kids as they are all consuming. We have been lucky that my in-law live near and are happy to babysit so we get some time together.
Someone I met at baby group was bed shaping with her baby and had relegated her hubby to the spare room which can't be good for your relationship.

I think it's a good question, whilst I don't have children now, nor am I in a relationship, I would be apprehensive of beginning a family and would be interested in why relationships fail. And then try to honestly and being unbiased as much as possible consider if these things had any foreshadowing that I could see. I'm already apprehensive about starting a family in my head so when the time comes I will be wary and making sure I feel it's the right decision for myself, partner and possible baby

It's perfectly possible to be in a long 'stable' relationship or marriage, for many years, without ever having to really do anything you don't want to do, because you have a lot in common, like the same things etc.

This.

My friend and I had a conversation about this not long ago. The happiest marriages we know are the ones without children! Of those, 3 are childless through infertility yet their relationships are clearly happier and stronger than those of us who have kids. Thats not to say that they wont have their struggles, every marriage does, but without fail they are the ones who are still together 25 years later when all but 1 of the other marriages has failed and the 1 that hasnt has involved cheating on both sides and is currently very very disfunctional to the point of no sex for years and seperate lives. Not sure why they are still together tbh!

As to why that is...I dont know for sure but I suspect that in the chaos that is young children people often drift apart.

Someone I met at baby group was bed shaping with her baby and had relegated her hubby to the spare room which can't be good for your relationship.

I agree with this, it obviously causes distance between a couple. Me and DH spent about a year in separate bedrooms because I was co-sleeping (BF) but also because DH needed sleep so he was fit for work and when DS was up every 1.5-2 hours (and usually awake for ages) it was just unfair to subject DH to that during his working week.

Exhaustion. Less money. Lack of freedom. Lack of privacy. Toll it can take on your sex life. Huge shift in dynamics. Stress. Disagreements in how to parent. Inequalities. I could go on and on.
(Ten years of parenting and we're still happily married, but oh my god the strains it has placed in our relationship over the years!)

well let's see

1. one if not both of you will be woken through the night every couple of hr for years at a time.
2. Only one of you will ever be able to leave the house alone at a time.
3. One of you will have to sacrifice career aspirations.
4. Different parenting styles.
5. Less time, money, time together.
6. Having subdue even your basic needs much of the time... for the kids' sake.
7. Holidays not relaxing anymore 8)Children talking to you costantly - you can't have an adult conversation any more, or a quiet lunch or dinner. I could go on

It is interesting. There is the utter exhaustion with a newborn and the clear demarcation of responsibilities. I found it very hard although we didn't split. The tiredness was a killer - 5 hours of patchy sleep for 18 months each time while working and doing the house stuff because I was on maternity leave and it didn't readjust.

My relationship with DH is still tenser than it used to be. I'm the default parent so end up spending evenings supervising homework, practise, activities, play dates etc while working and doing more of the housework.

He works long hours in a job he loves and stays late when he wants to because I'll make sure I'm home in time. None of this was an issue before kids. I would meet friends or work late or whatever. I love the DCs to my bones but miss the freedom which DH hasn't had to give up.

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