AIBU in thinking we should just chuck him on the streets and let him fend for himself?

[Kateallison16]

Backstory

DP has been friends for a really long time with "B". They used to work together until my DP got a job with a new company.
Now B has no family in the area and the ones he does have do not want anything to do with him. B split up from long term partner a couple of years back and has been on a spiral ever since. In the last few months he has lost his job (through not going in) and as of yesterday, his home.

B was staying with DP and myself for the last week when this happened as he had no money for food, so we were feeding him and buying him smokes until he benefits came through.

Well, B did not get his benefits on the day they were due, or the days after. Instead of chasing it up like a normal person he just "would do it later" but of course, later never came. So his landlords, tired of bailing him out and waiting for rent have kicked him out. He had no formal agreement with them so fair enough, whatever.
He was round ours when he got this call (DP was still at work) and he just carried on playing xbox....
I didnt understand how he could be so calm so I forced him suggested he call his landlords and find out whats going on.
So he did and they confirmed he needed to collect his stuff as soon as possible, including his paperwork (that he needs for his benefits).
My partner then comes home and B explains whats happened to him.

My partner and I discussed it and agreed B could stay with us for a few months until he finds his feet, providing he sorted out his benefit money and worked hard at finding a new job.
Me and DP living in a one bedroom flat with our DCat, so its not an ideal arrangment as B would need to sleep in our living room.

We are a few years younger that B and have our own problems. We both suffer with stress and depression/adjustment disorder ever since we lost our daughter a few years ago, had cancers and chemo and lost fertility... we are not your average 24 year olds and already live with a lot of stress. We are quite happy in our little bubble how it is and this is going to add a lot of stress on us. We dont have any savings and at the moment live paycheque. BUT we are of course willing to do this for a friend in need.

So, it gets to about 7pm last night and we start discussing how all this will come into being and making plans. B decided that would be a great time to go to his friends house and get high.

Now DP jumped on him and said "come on mate, you NEED to collect your stuff and paperwork so you cant get your money sorted first thing"

B said "Oh yeah I know man, but I just need a night to de-stress. Once night and I will be on it first thing tomorrow"

So after about 15mins of this he goes to his friends house, with a promise to collect his stuff and paperwork and have it sorted by morning ready to call up and chase after his benefits.

Morning comes, I havIm home from work today and have spent my day budgeting in an extra person to shop for and also ringing shelter to find out where he would stand on getting housing benefit as a lodger.
I give him a call, he tells me he has not got his paperwork or anything yet but will be round by 12 with his stuff, so we can sort through it and find him space in our home.
So I spent the rest of the morning finding him his own chest of draws and room for his things. It gets to 2.30pm and I give him a call, only to find he has been smoking weed all morning and has done nothing all day. He will "be round for dinner or whatever".

No. Fucking hell no.
Ive spent my day off chasing round after him, making room in our home for him, spending our hard earned wages on his ciggies, food and toiletries all for him to not even help himself.
DP said last night he wouldnt stand for this, and I know he will not. But I dont think he would see him on the streets either.

I know in my heart this is how it will be. He wont sort his money out for ages/if at all. He wont bother looking for work and he will nip and get stoned every few nights while we support him.
He is not our child. He is not our stay at home wife. What they hell are we doing?

My dp is going to be livid with him. I personally want to stick a hot poker up his arse to make him get up and sort his life out.

So, wise women of mumsnet, am I totally unreasonable to want to nip this in the bud before its even begun?

Have you considered OP that he has likely made himself homeless and is deliberately not making attempts to sort out his benefits because in his mind the alternative is rent free, utility bill free, catered accommodation plus fags bought and paid for with you and DH?

All of which enable and finance a very lovely stoner way of living, where his money is solely used to fund his weed habit.

Why would he try and sort the mess he is in out? What possible advantage would that bring to him?

You've offered him a "prize" here - not the help you intended.

He's a user and a taker. He doesn't have anyone else because he's probably exhausted everyone's else's emotional and financial reserves.

Upshot is he is a grown man who is not without resources should he want to avail himself of them. It's not that he can't - he doesn't want to - so there is nothing for you to feel guilty about.

YANBU.

I am really sorry for your loss you sound like lovely people.

This man is not your responsibility. He is being so ungrateful.

It is not grabby to want to be paid back for the money you have lent him, by the way. Especially when you have little money to spare.

You have already been more than generous. He doesn't need cigarettes so if he wants those he can get a job. Similarly he can eat whatever food you have provided. He certainly doesn't need over £25 of takeaway food to himself

Your DP does sound like a little bit of a pushover. You'll probably have to be the firm one here. Obviously you need to agree an approach between the two of you. But please don't let your DP be more generous than you can afford, either financially or psychologically.

Anyway, I hope you manage to get rid of him because he seems like a selfish user, frankly. I doubt he will ever be grateful for anything you have done, and you'll probably have difficulty getting him to pay you back.

Where is he getting the drug money from by the way?! Has he really not had his benefit money, or has he just spent it on drugs?

This reminds me of a ''friend'' I tried to help.

For 6 months I paid his way, let him sleep in my house, paid the bills, rent, food - you name it I paid for it.

A few times I kicked him out and he messaged guilt tripped me on how he was living. He kept coming back and back.

Any money he had went on drugs although he denied it (looking back now it was so obvious) his mum wanted nothing to do with him, nor his sister, dad, brothers, aunts, uncles - no one.

After 6 months I had enough, I couldn't do it anymore. It was effecting me mentally and physically and was also effecting my job. Had I allowed it to go on I would have completely broken myself.

I kicked him out. Dropped him off at a train station one day and drove off. Changed my number so he couldn't keep calling. And by sheer luck he never turned up randomly at my house.

It was hard, but not once did he try to help himself. And by babysitting him I wasn't helping him either.

You are both vulnerable, you need to both look after number 1 (yourselves). You are not helping yourself, or him, by allowing him to stay. If he was generally grateful and trying to help himself I would say let him stay. But he is not. He is an adult.

I completely get that it's going to be difficult while you are cosy at home and he is out there but tough shit for him. Just remember when/if you start to feel bad that he had an opportunity to help himself and he didn't and he's got no one to blame but himself.

Making me angry on your behalf as I have been in this position and probably not dealt with it please just fuck him off and feel no guilt by doing so.

One final thing - at no point did I ever feel you were 'money grabbing' quite the opposite.

I have never known such a kind group of people, thank you all for pulling me up from a really shitty time.
I needed to hear the tough love (aswell as a bit of sympathy haha) so thank you all. I have read every single comment and will continue to do so and keep you updated. (I am on MN more than I should be tbh)

He text and let me know he is on his way with all of his stuff and paperwork, he said he has been having grief from his landlords cause he owes them (a fair bit) of money.

I now feel stick between a rock and a hard place. Technically he has done what we asked of him, and he was very polite and apologetic.

I know my DP will be fine with this because she has sorted it. Personally, I think too little too late but thats me. Dp wants to speak to him when he gets home (not long now) and I will see how this unfolds. Either way this isnt working so... shits going to go down.
Its a really really nice area (fancy folks round 'ere) and I dont want to have a big scene on the door step, I would die of embarressment.

Get the popcorn ladies.
Gosh, this is one of those posts I would sit there and be like "OMG no way!" "NO! He didnt?!" "WTF who does that?!" so I am totally awear of how this sounds.

Oh god what a complete and utter pisstaker. OP, you're doing the right thing. He's like a child - He needs to understand that there are consequences to actions, or he'll never learn.

And what's this about freezing in winter? He has months to sort out benefits and somewhere to live before it's properly winter. And it's not exactly a though the winter in UK is arctic conditions. I really wish it would just snow for once

He has money for drugs and food/money on tap from you, why would he change?
Get rid, and he'll soon back around others. Keep the anger.

Excuse my awful punctuation and spelling, stressful day! "Awear" Classic.

he is not your responsibility.

in this scenario you can offer a bed for 24 hours maximum.

unless you live in a large house with spare rooms and you were looking for a lodger anyway - you dont.

Oh gosh, x-posted.

This shows you that he really is like a child. Once he realised that there were consequences, he sorted his shit out.

Make sure he knows that you're not a fool, and there are ground rules that have more definite consequences if he breaks them. Tell him that he has to sort out a new place by x time or he will be kicked out.

Personally, I would love to text him back and say 'tough, I've had enough'. But I would't, because I''m a soft hearted sucker.

ringing shelter to find out where he would stand on getting housing benefit as a lodger
Did they advise you that it would be hard for him to claim LHA as a lodger without a bedroom in your home?

I thought he'd come back with money to pay you! Just reread and realised he hasn't. Screw that. Don't let him in the house.

OP that's how it begins, threaten him to get out and then all of a sudden he does what he is supposed to and turns up with an excuse.

He will go back to being a dick tho and so the cycle begins.

By all means give him a day or so to see if he really is sorting himself out. But I think you and I both know how that's going to end up.

Please look out for yourself and DP first x x

DP offered him a takeaway last week.... B spent £25+ TO HIMSELF
That is totally and utterly taking the piss and TBH I am surprised that you offered him this choice.

I am super fussy when it comes to food - no meat, no cheese, nothing spicy etc but in someone else's home if they were having curry and that is all that was on offer I would make do with plain rice and tomato ketchup or something - seriously I want to punch this guy for you.

Tell your husband about setting some strict rules and a deadline by which time he has to leave (two weeks, one month NOT when he gets a job/finds a house/sort his finances as that will NOT happen while you are providing for him).

Or even better, tell him he can only stay over night or turn him back, neither of you seem strong enough to force him out if he overstays his welcome (you have too much of a soft heart )

Please, please, PLEASE tell me he doesn't have a key? Do not let him across the doorway!

Stick to your conditions. 5 mins or he's out. 4:55 now. Tell him how much you want per week. My son didn't sort himself till he had no cash for ciggies. He eats what you cook or goes without. He needs to take responsibility for his own life.
He should be up and dressed before you need your room.
He should be out seeking a job and he must show his gratitude by helping round the house.
Set standards before its too late. And lock away your valuables, cards and cash.
Two weeks to change or hes out. He may try to change and then lapse again - that is the time to push him out. You are lovely people but your own comfy life is important too.

Trust me you don't sound money grabbing/obsessed !! I can't believe you're supporting this freeloading pisstaker. Buying him cigarettes and food ? You must be out of your mind ! Get rid !

I would just tell him the delay in him getting things sorted has caused you to have a rethink and that, much as you'd like to help, you think it's likely to cause upset between you so you think it's best if he moves on. You could, if you feel so inclined, give him a few days grace but you have to be absolutely resolute about sticking to the deadline you give him, no concessions. Alternatively you could say that in the throes of researching his situation and what can be done to find him somewhere to live it's come to light (maybe say Shelter pointed it out) that you would be breaking the terms of your tenancy agreement to let him stay more than a day or two as a guest (have you checked this out btw, would you?) and that you can't put the roof over your own head at risk so he has a couple of days and that's it. Please learn from my mistake OP, you sound like you have plenty on your plate already and taking on someone who clearly has no interest in taking responsibility for himself could be hugely damaging for you in all sorts of ways, please don't do it

two weeks is far too long - let him find an other mug... you dont have space! you owe him nothing.

he is making his choices

Oh, a scene on the doorstep won't matter to the neighbours, if you get along. You can start loads of gossipy conversations with them along the lines of "Oh my god, can you even believe what happened with DH's old friend!"

Most people have an addict lurking somewhere, it might be a second cousin twice removed, or an old school friend, but we all have one somewhere, so you'll probably get sympathy.

I expect they will be bloody grateful you chucked the stoner out. Much better than keeping him as their new neighbour.

What the hell did he order from the takeaway that coat £25 just for him!?

Cost not coat

If he does what you asked him to do by 6, I don't think you really can chuck him out for tonight. But you need to tell him that tomorrow morning he does what MeDownSouth has suggested and sorts out his own place which he needs to move into by the end of the week. Until he does so he pays for his keep and stops taking the piss, otherwise he will be out on the streets.

For all you say you and your DP don't want to see him homeless, you need to realise that he doesn't actually mind if he bleeds you dry till you are homeless.

You've got to speak to your DH before he speaks to stoner-free-loader-man.

You two must make a decision first!

What if he rolls over and tells old friend he can stay, provided he obeys the rules strict new mummy and daddy rehab have laid down?

You could be pushed into either having a row with DH in front of stoner or agreeing to something you don't want.