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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking we should just chuck him on the streets and let him fend for himself?

286 replies

Kateallison16 · 16/08/2016 14:59

Backstory

DP has been friends for a really long time with "B". They used to work together until my DP got a job with a new company.
Now B has no family in the area and the ones he does have do not want anything to do with him. B split up from long term partner a couple of years back and has been on a spiral ever since. In the last few months he has lost his job (through not going in) and as of yesterday, his home.

B was staying with DP and myself for the last week when this happened as he had no money for food, so we were feeding him and buying him smokes until he benefits came through.

Well, B did not get his benefits on the day they were due, or the days after. Instead of chasing it up like a normal person he just "would do it later" but of course, later never came. So his landlords, tired of bailing him out and waiting for rent have kicked him out. He had no formal agreement with them so fair enough, whatever.
He was round ours when he got this call (DP was still at work) and he just carried on playing xbox....
I didnt understand how he could be so calm so I forced him suggested he call his landlords and find out whats going on.
So he did and they confirmed he needed to collect his stuff as soon as possible, including his paperwork (that he needs for his benefits).
My partner then comes home and B explains whats happened to him.

My partner and I discussed it and agreed B could stay with us for a few months until he finds his feet, providing he sorted out his benefit money and worked hard at finding a new job.
Me and DP living in a one bedroom flat with our DCat, so its not an ideal arrangment as B would need to sleep in our living room.

We are a few years younger that B and have our own problems. We both suffer with stress and depression/adjustment disorder ever since we lost our daughter a few years ago, had cancers and chemo and lost fertility... we are not your average 24 year olds and already live with a lot of stress. We are quite happy in our little bubble how it is and this is going to add a lot of stress on us. We dont have any savings and at the moment live paycheque. BUT we are of course willing to do this for a friend in need.

So, it gets to about 7pm last night and we start discussing how all this will come into being and making plans. B decided that would be a great time to go to his friends house and get high.

Now DP jumped on him and said "come on mate, you NEED to collect your stuff and paperwork so you cant get your money sorted first thing"

B said "Oh yeah I know man, but I just need a night to de-stress. Once night and I will be on it first thing tomorrow"

So after about 15mins of this he goes to his friends house, with a promise to collect his stuff and paperwork and have it sorted by morning ready to call up and chase after his benefits.

Morning comes, I havIm home from work today and have spent my day budgeting in an extra person to shop for and also ringing shelter to find out where he would stand on getting housing benefit as a lodger.
I give him a call, he tells me he has not got his paperwork or anything yet but will be round by 12 with his stuff, so we can sort through it and find him space in our home.
So I spent the rest of the morning finding him his own chest of draws and room for his things. It gets to 2.30pm and I give him a call, only to find he has been smoking weed all morning and has done nothing all day. He will "be round for dinner or whatever".

No. Fucking hell no.
Ive spent my day off chasing round after him, making room in our home for him, spending our hard earned wages on his ciggies, food and toiletries all for him to not even help himself.
DP said last night he wouldnt stand for this, and I know he will not. But I dont think he would see him on the streets either.

I know in my heart this is how it will be. He wont sort his money out for ages/if at all. He wont bother looking for work and he will nip and get stoned every few nights while we support him.
He is not our child. He is not our stay at home wife. What they hell are we doing?

My dp is going to be livid with him. I personally want to stick a hot poker up his arse to make him get up and sort his life out.

So, wise women of mumsnet, am I totally unreasonable to want to nip this in the bud before its even begun?

OP posts:
mrsfuzzy · 16/08/2016 16:08

b has gone out, bin bags, front garden, lock changed, sorted.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/08/2016 16:08

You left a junkie alone in your flat when he was flat broke, couldn't even afford food or "smokes". He magically obtained money for at least one full day of non-stop weed. Hmmm. Have you checked your belongings?

MeMySonandl · 16/08/2016 16:08

No, no, no! Get him out now. He is an irresponsible freeloader. How long before you start getting bailiffs at your door and you star having your stuff stolen to pay for drugs? Get him out before he puts down your address down as his (you cannot say to bailiffs that the things belong to you, they will take them regardless).

The effects that can have in your finances AND relationship are HUGE.

It is ok to try to help someone who is struggling AND trying hard. But doing so much for such useless wanker serves no purpose. He will just continue to be like this after he has taken everything he can from you, he won't sort himself up while you are providing roof, food and even fags (wtf?)

Floggingmolly · 16/08/2016 16:10

Shove his stuff outside now. He's ignored your calls so far, because he doesn't believe you Hmm

Original poster
Kateallison16 · 16/08/2016 16:10

Mrsfuzzy
b has gone out, bin bags, front garden, lock changed, sorted.

This ^ :')

OP posts:
TroysMammy · 16/08/2016 16:11

Help those that want to help themselves.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/08/2016 16:12

If you let him into the house after you have told him he's out, I bet he will rob you and feel entitled to do so. I am sure you will also get a gob full of verbal abuse.

Belongings left outside. Or even better, left outside his old flat so he has no reason to come back to yours.

MeMySonandl · 16/08/2016 16:12

Don't wIt for him, once he sets your address, it will be more difficult to untangle yourselves from this situation.

Original poster
Kateallison16 · 16/08/2016 16:13

Right, I am packing up his shit.

OP posts:
MeMySonandl · 16/08/2016 16:13

Wait, not wit

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/08/2016 16:13

Good for you!

altiara · 16/08/2016 16:13

Please don't let him back in, if he really was your DH/DPs friend he wouldn't act the way he has in all of your examples. Do you really think he will change?

diddl · 16/08/2016 16:13

"DP went out TWICE to get him dinner."

Eh???

"I give him a call, he tells me he has not got his paperwork or anything yet but will be round by 12 with his stuff, so we can sort through it and find him space in our home.
So I spent the rest of the morning finding him his own chest of draws and room for his things. It gets to 2.30pm and I give him a call, only to find he has been smoking weed all morning and has done nothing all day. He will "be round for dinner or whatever"."

My teens have never treated us with such utter contempt!

Whenwillthisend2016 · 16/08/2016 16:17

You and your DP sound wonderful, friend on the other hand sounds like a tosspot. Go fill those black sacks, and don't let any excuses deter from your decision!

MeDownSouth · 16/08/2016 16:20

OK, I don't have time to read all of the comments so what I suggest might have already been written but just in case...

I volunteer for a foodbank and what we would advise him is get to the Citizen's Advice Bureau who can help him with his next steps. He also needs to go and see the council and register as homeless and they can try and find him some emergency accomodation. I would suggest writing down the contact details and opening times for him and when you talk to him you can explain that it would be better for all of you if he gets properly sorted (you're in a 1 bed flat!) and that these people are able to offer more help than you. If he refuses to listen at least you have written it own for when he is ready to accept help.
You are kind to offer to help a friend, but it can't be in a way that will make you ill or make your homelife worse. Looking after yourself and your family is allowed!

Good luck x

redshoeblueshoe · 16/08/2016 16:21

Please stay angry. At least until he has taken his stuff. You are lovely, and all he will do is hurt you. £25 for a curry - selfish bastard.

Hidingtonothing · 16/08/2016 16:22

Ohhh OP I've been where you are and I beg you, don't take this guy on, he will take until you have nothing left to give and you will get nothing in return, no appreciation, no respect and no sense of having done the right thing, for him or yourself. He's already failed to do what was agreed, he's giving you no indication he will do anything to help himself and I predict you will end up putting in massive amounts of practical and emotional effort to help him get sorted while he does precisely nothing and you grow more and more frustrated and resentful because his situation will never really change unless he puts the effort in no matter how hard you try. In a few weeks or months (I only lasted weeks) you will be desperate to be rid of him and have your home back, the friendship will have soured beyond any chance of repair and you will still see no way of getting rid of him. You sound a lovely, kind person who genuinely wants to help but the cost to you, both materially and emotionally, will be far too high in this case. I would just tell him that he's made it obvious by not sorting his paperwork and claim out that he has no intention of keeping his promises to get himself sorted so, in light of the fact that your kind offer was never on an indefinite basis, it's best if he moves on now before his lack of positive action causes upset between you. He needs to realise that people won't help him unless he helps himself and you're doing him no favours by delaying him learning that lesson. Good luck and don't stand for any shit from him or let him persuade you things will change, they won't Flowers

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2016 16:23

You are abnormally nice, OP! You and your boyfriend, too.

I was shouting, "NO!" at the screen several times while reading that. You need what you have for yourselves - the space, the food, the money and the peace of mind.

This guy is a user. If you pander to him, he'll always be a user. If you hold firm now there's a very slight chance he'll grow up.

RebootYourEngine · 16/08/2016 16:24

I can understand why you want to help him but i think you need to help yourselves first.

He has shown that he doesnt care about you. You have been through a hard time and dont need him in your lives.

Feilin · 16/08/2016 16:25

Place marking what a dick he is.

Catsick36 · 16/08/2016 16:27

What a parasite! How could he do that to you!! You both sound lovely

thenightsky · 16/08/2016 16:27

Why did his long-term partner leave him? Bet we can guess.

rollonthesummer · 16/08/2016 16:28

I don't understand why your husband is bending over backwards for this idiot?!

BestZebbie · 16/08/2016 16:33

Even if he was your own son, you do not need to buy his smokes and his personal care products!
You are well well beyond the call of duty already in letting him sleep inside your house and on top of that, offering to provide some food as well (which is also not actually an obligation if you are offering a bed).

bushtailadventures · 16/08/2016 16:34

Please don't let him back in!! My DM and step-dad let someone stay 'until he got back on his feet', he was there for nearly a year, camping out in their living room so my DM stayed in the kitchen all day. He was a piss taker of the highest order and it nearly destroyed their marriage because my step-dad felt sorry for him and wouldn't do anything.

Stay strong, tell him to go and live with his druggy mates instead!