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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DM wants me to give my DS(5) a mobile phone...

74 replies

CustardLover · 15/08/2016 18:58

Background: DM and I are Not Getting On. For a while. For a number of reasons but the most significant one is the way she relates to me as a mother and most specifically in relation to my eldest DS. I don't feed him enough, I don't understand him like she does, he is constantly disturbed by his 'naughty, defiant' DB(3) (who, by the way, I should 'make cry' more to 'make him sorry' when he does something like want to join in his brother's puzzle - that is wilfully sabotaging his elder brother and I 'indulge' it). A whole lotta madness that it will just depress me to recount here.

The latest one is that my DS 'needs' his own phone. I said no, he is much too young. She has spent the whole day sending me more and more irrational and angry texts demanding that I get him a phone of his own and that he needs this etc. What shall I say (please assume that I can't just say 'because I'm his mum and I fucking said no' no matter how much I want to)? I have identified some key areas relating to my objections which are:
1 -Health - he has a little developing brain and who knows whether mobile phone reception will affect it
2-Habit - I don't want him to get attached to 'devices' yet
3-Access - I don't any there to be a direct channel to my child that I don't moderate (this is exactly why she wants it)
4- The rest - phone's aren't just phones any more and do I want him to have a connected computer yet? Do I fuck.

And

5- Because I fucking said no.

Any further suggestions? I'll bet you a month of mortgage that when the 'conversation' (rant) actually happens in real life all of my crafted logical points will go out the window and I will respond with point 5 and rage, but I'd like to at least try to have a reasonable conversation and make her see my points.

OP posts:
pluck · 15/08/2016 19:01

Hell, no!

If you're worried about losing it in an argument, use the broken record technique, so you're not answeri g her, and not even hearing her.

Amelie10 · 15/08/2016 19:01

Do not even entertain a conversation to justify yourself. She is so ridiculous that you really waste your time to explain to people like this. Your rules, that's all she needs to know.

RaspberryOverload · 15/08/2016 19:02

I don't think she'll "get" your points at all, sorry. She's seems only bothered about what she wants.

And you're right, he doesn't need a phone at 5. Neither of mine had a phone until they went to secondary school, there was simply no need.

Also, given that she seems to be constantly on at you about your parenting, I wouldn't be surprised if she uses the phone (if you gave one) to undermine you with your son.

Yep, stick to your guns.

You are the parent, No is a good enough answer.

MeMySonandl · 15/08/2016 19:02

No reasons, just say:

Mum, I am DS' mum and I am the one who decides when he gets the phone. Please stop.

She comes back, you ignore her... For a few days.

JinkxMonsoon · 15/08/2016 19:03

I do t think you need to justify this on the grounds of health or anything. He's five. What does he need a bloody phone for? Grin

Clearly this isn't about a phone, it's about boundaries and control and undermining you.

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 15/08/2016 19:03

Just keep saying, "It's not appropriate, he's far too young." I originally tried to think of more reasons for you but the crucial one is he's too young! I agree with the broken record method.

BellaVida · 15/08/2016 19:04

You simply say "No" as his parent. A 5 year old has no real need for a mobile phone. She clearly will not 'see your points' as she has her own view. Stay calm, but be firm.

Stevefromstevenage · 15/08/2016 19:05

Is she a narcissist and your DS1 is her new golden child? She is crackers.

OnionKnight · 15/08/2016 19:05

Just say no, if that doesn't work tell her to fuck off.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/08/2016 19:05

Fuck to the NO!

He's 5, he doesnt need a phone. My DD is 9 and she'll get a reasonable phone when she 11 and at secondary school and not a moment before.

I think you are giving your mother too much of a voice. He's your son, you said no, end of.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 15/08/2016 19:06

Just ignore her. She's never going to accept your reasoning and you don't have to justify your decisions to her. You validate her view that she has a right if convicted trial or veto by trying to justify this

Arfarfanarf · 15/08/2016 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VimFuego101 · 15/08/2016 19:09

Point 5 is all you need. Your child, your rules. And if you give in to her on this one it'll only happen again with a laptop/pony/motorbike as he gets older, so lay the rules down clearly now.

Wolpertinger · 15/08/2016 19:11

It's not about a phone, it's about her power. So don't give her phone related reasons.

Have a phrase, and repeat it using exactly the same words every time she brings it up. It doesn't really matter what the phrase is as long as it is short and clearly says no.

Original poster
CustardLover · 15/08/2016 19:17

Thank you - I needed that unanimous NO! And yes to the previous poster, I am starting to think she is crackers. Yesterday she blamed DS(3) for the eldest's cough because 'They say that excess stress make us I'll and DS is under great stress having to deal with his DB'. So the 3yo actually controls microbiology which is an impressing feat given he's still in pull-ups overnight.

To be clear, my DSs don't fight, get on great, play and are happy together - this demonising is all in DM's head. Plus the DS(5) has not shown one iota of interest in a mobile phone!

OP posts:
Boysnme · 15/08/2016 19:18

My 7 & 5 year olds want one and I have said no. Because they are 7 & 5. But another argument into this is that they may get bullied for it or have it stolen off them which if they don't want to give it up may result in them being hurt!

altiara · 15/08/2016 19:20

I'd turn your phone off, then she can't text you and wind you up. Gradually reduce the crazy if you can.
Just imagining who a 5 year would phone up! postman pat "where's my Amazon package?"
My DD (10) may get a phone when she goes to secondary even though I coped without one until I was 22!

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2016 19:25

It sounds as though she needs to see a doctor, tbh.

Do you have to have a lot of contact with her? I couldn't be doing with her setting one child against the other.

JinkxMonsoon · 15/08/2016 19:26

She really said that? Wow.

I think her blatant favouritism of DS1, and massive dislike of DS2, is going to be your biggest problem going forward. That's so damaging and utterly toxic.

Boogers · 15/08/2016 19:31

Your mother sounds like a controlling narcissist and she's lucky you've not gone nc with her.

You've got the unanimous no, but don't have to justify anything to anyone. Just remember the MN mantra, "no is a complete sentence".

FireflyGirl · 15/08/2016 19:31

Good grief! At 5!! No fecking chance! I can't control who contacts my own phone, there's no way I would expose my pre-schooler to that!

Not happening, you crazy bat.

Disclaimer - I'm not renowned for my tact Grin

rememberremember · 15/08/2016 19:33

Let her buy him one - an expensive contract one - and then let him lose / break it within 30 mins and she can think what a stupid idea of hers it was for the next 24 months.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 15/08/2016 19:34

"Mum, do you think we ought to see the doctor about your memory? You keep asking me the same question even though I've said no."

SaucyJack · 15/08/2016 19:35

Why are you choosing to engage with her?

Genuine question. What are you getting out of this?

yorkshapudding · 15/08/2016 19:36

Your points are all perfectly valid, of course, but there's no point trying to reason with someone so fundamentally unreasonable. I would simply say "I have told you my decision. I am not willing to discuss it" and repeat like a broken record as often as needed.

I agree with pp though, you have much bigger problems than the phone thing. Your DM demonsing one child and putting the other on a pedestal is a very unhealthy dynamic. Her blatant favouritism will become apparent to your DC (if it hasn't already) and could be very damaging in terms of both their relationship to one another and their sense of self worth.