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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DM wants me to give my DS(5) a mobile phone...

74 replies

CustardLover · 15/08/2016 18:58

Background: DM and I are Not Getting On. For a while. For a number of reasons but the most significant one is the way she relates to me as a mother and most specifically in relation to my eldest DS. I don't feed him enough, I don't understand him like she does, he is constantly disturbed by his 'naughty, defiant' DB(3) (who, by the way, I should 'make cry' more to 'make him sorry' when he does something like want to join in his brother's puzzle - that is wilfully sabotaging his elder brother and I 'indulge' it). A whole lotta madness that it will just depress me to recount here.

The latest one is that my DS 'needs' his own phone. I said no, he is much too young. She has spent the whole day sending me more and more irrational and angry texts demanding that I get him a phone of his own and that he needs this etc. What shall I say (please assume that I can't just say 'because I'm his mum and I fucking said no' no matter how much I want to)? I have identified some key areas relating to my objections which are:
1 -Health - he has a little developing brain and who knows whether mobile phone reception will affect it
2-Habit - I don't want him to get attached to 'devices' yet
3-Access - I don't any there to be a direct channel to my child that I don't moderate (this is exactly why she wants it)
4- The rest - phone's aren't just phones any more and do I want him to have a connected computer yet? Do I fuck.

And

5- Because I fucking said no.

Any further suggestions? I'll bet you a month of mortgage that when the 'conversation' (rant) actually happens in real life all of my crafted logical points will go out the window and I will respond with point 5 and rage, but I'd like to at least try to have a reasonable conversation and make her see my points.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 15/08/2016 19:38

No is a complete sentence. It is seriously time to protect your DC and go NC with this woman.

MatildaTheCat · 15/08/2016 19:39

Great reply from Champagne Grin.

How much contact do you have with your DM? Sounds like way too much. She sounds a real pita and will be influencing your DC with all her comments. I would dramatically reduce contact and tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour will not be tolerated.

Remember you do not have to reply to all these mad messages.

WorryingExperience · 15/08/2016 19:40

I can't think why you aren't getting along?

FFS she'd try the patience of Mother Teressa!

Why are you putting up with all of this crap?

Be firm, be straight & don't try to explain yourself.

WorryingExperience · 15/08/2016 19:43

Oh & that's aside from the fact that 5 year olds do NOT need their own phones - it's asking for trouble. I'd consider a 'spare' phone for an ex to call on if absolutely necessary, but it would not be under the child's control at all. Madness.

SlinkyVagabond · 15/08/2016 19:43

Just what I was going to say Remember, well I was going to say she is going to buy him one. (Which will then go in a drawer sans SIM card and battery) Or let it be a contract one that she pays for and (let him)install as many premium games possible. "And that DM is why a 5 year old doesn't have a phone. Or block her number.
But NO should be quite enough.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 15/08/2016 19:45

Sounds like my grandmother who is a massive narc. Cast my Mum as golden child and her sister as trouble, then it swapped when they were teens. Full on head fuck. Then she did the same with me and my sister. She's nearly 90 (and widowed- my Grandad let her get away with her psycho ways but she's yet to find anyone as understanding since he died) and lonely because everyone hates her and whilst not NC, avoid her like the plague. Sounds like your Mum is on the same path.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 15/08/2016 19:46

If you explain she will start unpicking the arguments. It will give her fodder. Say

"My final decision is no for the phone." as often as necessary. It's so far beyond ridiculous it really is.

Lorelei76 · 15/08/2016 19:47

Is she normally bonkers?
How much time do you spend with her?

Buzzardbird · 15/08/2016 19:47

How is he supposed to contact his physchologist for his stress if you don't let him have a phone?
How is he ever to become the next tycoon?

More to the point, how do you get through a visit with MIL without copious amounts of gin?

chocoLit · 15/08/2016 19:48

Holy fuck she's batshit crazy.

A big fat angry no on your behalf

Lostmyemailaddress · 15/08/2016 19:51

The next time she asks say no I've made my decision and it is final after that if she brings it up in a text ignore it and if she brings it up face to face or over phone in an actual call just change the subject. The more you engage in the conversation the worse she will get.

The way she is with your 2 ds's needs dealing with asap she will move on to divide and conquer as they get older. My mother is a suspected narc I've seen this many times over the years with her doing this to others.
The best way I saw anyone dealing with it when my m tried this tactic was each time it happened she was put straight with a simple don't be silly and putting her straight on what ever notion she had at the time ie oh so and so is an awful bully I don't know how golden child copes..... don't be silly they are playing together nicely and love each other lots we rarely have fights ect. Contact between my mother and said golden child was reduced ever so slightly until she noticed and when she made a fuss over it she was told straight out that it would stay that way until her behaviour between the children changed. A relative tried this tactic not so long ago and while my is with them she keeps it in check but she's awful about them to other people.

clicknclack · 15/08/2016 19:52

I'd reply with something like

"it makes it very hard for me and the kids to spend any time with you when you argue with me about them."

and then I'd cut right back on the visits and set her number with a silent tone so you don't hear when she texts.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/08/2016 19:52

I think I'd add on to your stock phrase of no, "if you undermine my decisions you will not be able to spend time with the children".

clicknclack · 15/08/2016 19:55

oh and I would no dignify any of it with reasons. They are none of her business and not up for discussion. "Because I said no" is reason enough and should be repeated as often as possible.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 15/08/2016 19:56

Or, say "no it's a definite no for my son, but why don't you offer to buy a phone for someone else's 5 year old?"

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2016 20:04
Grin
Arkhamasylum · 15/08/2016 20:11

You need to stamp on this (you know this).

My friend's mother did this to her children. One was the favourite, could do nothing wrong. She had a picture of her on the wall with her sister cut out 😧 She was a loon, accusing the children's father of favouring the younger one, so she was just balancing it out, and so on.

We used to laugh about it, but it definitely set some kind of resentment up between the children and meant that they had very little relationship until recently (they're adults now).

Oh, and a phone for a five year old? The grandma line? Complete madness.

maninawomansworld01 · 15/08/2016 20:39

Sorry but point 5 is all you need and you need to find a way to say it straight.
' I am his mum and he's not having a phone because I said so, please don't mention it ever again. This is the the of the matter and the last time we will speak of it'.

Job done.

If she goes ahead and buys him one then take it off him , put it in a drawer switched off and let her keep paying the line rental for the next 2 years - that'll teach her.

idontlikealdi · 15/08/2016 20:41

Good god just no, as I've read in here many times no is a complete sentence.

Duckstar · 15/08/2016 20:45

You can't reason with her. Whatever reasons you give she won't agree. My MIL is like this. My DH had counselling and the biggest revelation was when his therapist was that you can't reason with people like this. You just have to say "no he is not having one". That is your only response.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 15/08/2016 20:46

Flipping heck.

Skip the batshit and go straight to the main point. "Mum, you're getting a bit obsessive about ds1, look at yourself - look how anxious you are? This isn't good for either of you and it can't go on."

And frankly I'd be putting a lot of distance between her and your family for a good while and cooling things off to break this habit. She can't use ds1 as a tool to meet whatever needs she has, this isn't a healthy game for any of you.

WombOfOnesOwn · 15/08/2016 20:56

I've known enough people like this, including my own mother, to know how this works. She'll buy him the phone for christmas or a birthday without telling you beforehand, either giving it to him secretly and expecting a little child to keep a secret for her, or giving it to him in front of you and making you be the bad guy who is taking away his new present from his grandmother.

But of course, if you let the present stick, your mother is going to be messaging him to talk conspiratorially about what a bad mother you are, and what a bad brother your other son is, how terrible it is to have little brothers, and so on. She will try to get him to say he would rather spend time with her than with you and his brother, and give him leading messages that lead him to say he'd rather live there, and she'll crow about how unsuitable your home is for him.

She'll be using this to teach him "divide and conquer" strategies for dealing with people. She becomes his everything, while everyone else gets talked back to and is "stupid" or "mean" or whatever else he gets fed from her.

You are lucky that your younger son is only three. This gives you time to do what you need to do, which is go NC/VLC with your mother, before he is really old enough to understand what is going on. If you allow this kind of talk from your mother about one of your children, it's a matter of time before they start hearing it and believing it. You can utterly destroy a sibling relationship in this way. Perhaps your mother needs a few months of no contact with her grandchildren to be better able to understand the gravity of the situation, and that her meddlesome digs at a three year old boy are not taken lightly.

imwithspud · 15/08/2016 20:56

Jesus she sounds bonkers.

I would just keep repeating (no he is not having one) every time she mentions it, and then ignore any further cajoling. Maybe put a bit of space between your family and her for a bit to cool off.

MillionToOneChances · 15/08/2016 20:58

She sounds bonkers. Just NO.

Better give her gifts to your DS a good shake at Christmas Angry

Heathen4Hire · 15/08/2016 21:04

You are completely NBU. My one is ten next month and we are getting her first phone for her birthday, but only a cheap Nokia type one.I still want to monitor her internet usage. Five is way too young and Why?? DD has started calling on friends so we need her to have a phone for safety. Five year old do not need phones!