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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DM wants me to give my DS(5) a mobile phone...

74 replies

CustardLover · 15/08/2016 18:58

Background: DM and I are Not Getting On. For a while. For a number of reasons but the most significant one is the way she relates to me as a mother and most specifically in relation to my eldest DS. I don't feed him enough, I don't understand him like she does, he is constantly disturbed by his 'naughty, defiant' DB(3) (who, by the way, I should 'make cry' more to 'make him sorry' when he does something like want to join in his brother's puzzle - that is wilfully sabotaging his elder brother and I 'indulge' it). A whole lotta madness that it will just depress me to recount here.

The latest one is that my DS 'needs' his own phone. I said no, he is much too young. She has spent the whole day sending me more and more irrational and angry texts demanding that I get him a phone of his own and that he needs this etc. What shall I say (please assume that I can't just say 'because I'm his mum and I fucking said no' no matter how much I want to)? I have identified some key areas relating to my objections which are:
1 -Health - he has a little developing brain and who knows whether mobile phone reception will affect it
2-Habit - I don't want him to get attached to 'devices' yet
3-Access - I don't any there to be a direct channel to my child that I don't moderate (this is exactly why she wants it)
4- The rest - phone's aren't just phones any more and do I want him to have a connected computer yet? Do I fuck.

And

5- Because I fucking said no.

Any further suggestions? I'll bet you a month of mortgage that when the 'conversation' (rant) actually happens in real life all of my crafted logical points will go out the window and I will respond with point 5 and rage, but I'd like to at least try to have a reasonable conversation and make her see my points.

OP posts:

WindPowerRanger · 15/08/2016 21:06

I second everything Womb has said.

PirateFairy45 · 15/08/2016 21:07

You don't need to explain yourself to her even slightly.

He's 5 years old he doesn't need a phone. She's being ridiculous!

Original poster

CustardLover · 15/08/2016 21:33

There's a lot resonating with me here. Why do I engage? I don't really know beyond the fact she's still my DM and I do love her and she is lonely and poor and I have a duty to put up with her and allow her to not be irrelevant in my life eg listening to her. But that is all academic when it comes to it - the philosophy is out the window in the face of the rage and when I see her being so divisive and destructive to my DC, well.

Thanks all. You're right, the phone is a symptom, not a cause. I'll just be calm and repetitive in my 'no' though, and look up golden child / narc in the meantime.

OP posts:

missm0use · 15/08/2016 21:50

You don't need five reasons, the best and only reason is that you are the parent and you decide! She asked, you answered. Should be the end of it!

Seeing as she's nagging you like a child that doesn't understand no then you should treat her like one, and every time she brings it up just respond with "Asked and Answered". Eventually she'll tire herself out! Xx

Aeroflotgirl · 15/08/2016 21:59

God she sounds toxic and is trying to turn your kids against each other. I would be distancing myself from her. That phone would remain in the box in the drawer. No no no. Silly woman!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 15/08/2016 23:01

Definitely do some reading up. Your priority needs to be your children over your mum (who is an adult and can change their behaviour if she wants to, your children currently have no choice).

Atenco · 16/08/2016 02:30

Yeap, the major problem is her aversion to your second son, that will be a serious problem as they grow older.

KoalaDownUnder · 16/08/2016 02:37

To echo everyone else: NO.

No fucking way.

Don't justify, don't explain. The reason he's not having a phone is the same reason he's not having anything else you don't want him to have: because you're the parent. And he's FIVE.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/08/2016 03:58

I third everything womb said.

I would be distancing myself from her, or only having contact without the DC there.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/08/2016 04:11

Definitely bizarre behaviour....

Apart from all the very good reasons you've mentioned that a 5 year old and a mobile are a poor combination...

My overwhelming concern with this arrangement is WHAT exactly she was intending using this mobile for??? From what you've said it will hardly be ' granny is so looking forward to seeing you both!'

Imaginosity · 16/08/2016 05:03

My mum is a bit irrational and sends me strange, guilt-laden texts demanding I behave a certain way.

I used to get really worked about it and confront her and argue.

The best thing I ever did was to start completely ignoring it. If she sends a text I delete it and then block her number on my phone for a few hours. I never reply to it or acknowledge it. She only rarely sends those texts now as she gets no reaction from me.

Don't bother giving her a list of reasons trying to justify your choice not to give your DS a phone. Just ignore it. If she asks you in person just say 'no' and change the subject. If she keeps going on and on then tell her to stop or leave.

MrsBertBibby · 16/08/2016 05:11

Why do you feel you have this duty to her? What happens if you just ignore it?

You don't have to do anything for her, your only duty is to yourself and your kids.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 16/08/2016 08:16

"Mum, I'm thinking about your Christmas present. I'm trying to decide between an industry strength electric chainsaw and a full-sized, behaviourally-challenged bull. Which would you prefer?"

Footle · 16/08/2016 08:40

Distance diagnosis here - she suffered massively from sibling rivalry when she was a child, and is recreating the scenario with you as the uncaring parent.
Dunno if this helps though !

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/08/2016 08:45

Everybody has summed up what I would have said.

I admire you for being able to put up with her, I would've cut her off.

Damselindestress · 16/08/2016 11:34

You are right to refuse a mobile phone for your DS1, he is too young and she obviously only wants to use it to contact him without you supervising. But the bigger problem is that what she says about your DS2 will be very psychologically damaging to him when he is old enough and damaging to the relationship between the siblings. She obviously has serious issues she is projecting onto an innocent child and it's quite upsetting to read about let alone be in the middle of! I would consider low or no contact.

Damselindestress · 16/08/2016 11:37

*old enough to understand

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 16/08/2016 12:11

My mother hasn't yet come up with the idea of a secret phone, but she does massively favour my youngest child. To the extent that once when she was here and the second child did something mildly naughty, she said loudly "I really don't like him. I suppose I love him, but I don't like him at all". She used to say exactly the same to me and it was devastating. The child pretended not to hear but hasn't wanted to visit her since.

You don't have a duty to put up with her. She relies on you thinking that.

Original poster

CustardLover · 16/08/2016 14:29

I spent last night reading about narcissistic mothers and the golden child / scapegoat phenomenon and oh my goodness, it all fits, even down to the hypotheses that might trigger NPD (isolation/low self-esteem as a child etc)- they really fit my DM's background. I actually feel incredibly relieved to understand that it's 'a thing' but there is very little written about how to deal with it other than get away, and nothing about any sort of therapy/'cure' for it. I feel sure she wasn't always like this, or certainly not as extreme, and the birth of my children seems to have triggered something. I would love to get my old DM back.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2016 18:16

At the moment now, you have to protect your children from her. And take steps to do that.

originalmavis · 16/08/2016 18:23

Because...

www.nytimes.com/2016/07/21/technology/personaltech/whats-the-right-age-to-give-a-child-a-smartphone.html?smprod=nytcore-ipad&smid=nytcore-ipad-share

As more children get phones at 10 and younger, parents face the question of when to allow unfettered access to the internet and all its benefits and perils.

RaspberryOverload · 16/08/2016 19:41

I have a duty to put up with her and allow her to not be irrelevant in my life eg listening to her.

Actually, you don't have any duty. Currently, having her in your life is risking the relationship between your DSs, and this includes their mental health (as well as yours, you know).

Just because she is your mum, don't fall for the "blood is thicker than water" crap used by all sorts of toxic people to justify treating relatives badly.

You might want to visit the Stately Homes threads in the Relationship board.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/08/2016 11:09

You can do therapy on unwilling people.... All you can do is modify your reactions to them

This is a well known technique;

narcissistsupport.com/going-gray-rock/

mummytime · 19/08/2016 11:24

You need to protect your children first.

Next do you have siblings? What is their view? What was it really like when you were growing up?

If it is a massive personality change, then maybe do try to get her to a GP. Alzheimers and brain Tumour could explain a drastic real personality change.

BUT I suspect she has always been like this, and the scales on your eyes is just falling off. And you need to decide what to do.

Your first responsibility is to protect your children (both of them could be harmed by her behaviour).

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