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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are DH and I being U or are PILs

56 replies

ProseccoPoppy · 15/08/2016 08:32

DH has had a bit of a "discussion" with his parents over the weekend". We're planning a party for DD's first birthday in a couple of months time. We know she won't remember it but we're planning it as a big family and friends get together, it's instead of a christening as we're not religious and a chance for wider extended family to meet DD. DH and I are looking forward to it. We've told PILs all this and gave them the date ages ago. Now they have booked a holiday abroad over DD's birthday. Apparently they forgot. They are self employed and could have booked for any time and have been away several times this year already. DH is pretty fed up/pissed off and is reading it as "they don't care enough to remember" and has told them they're being crap. PILs have suggested we move the party to "another weekend" as they "don't want to miss out". We're busy the weekend before and after and tbh we would like the party the weekend of her birthday (as planned and as we've booked the venue for). We're going to go ahead as planned, but without them. It's a shame they'll miss it but there you go. They think we are being highly unreasonable. I think they are, but happy to hear an alternative perspective...?

OP posts:

MinnowAndTheBear · 15/08/2016 08:34

Oh no, they ABU. They can't have forgotten the date.

NataliaOsipova · 15/08/2016 08:35

They are! Even if you hadn't told them the date, presumably they know when her birthday is and could have checked with you?

PotteringAlong · 15/08/2016 08:35

Neither of you are. You have the party the weekend you want, but you're right. It's her first birthday. She will neither care, know nor remember. It makes no odds if her grandparents are there or not.

MotherKat · 15/08/2016 08:36

Yanbu, They are being horrid.
I hope your little one has a wonderful first birthday.

ijustwannadance · 15/08/2016 08:37

Their problem, not yours.

greatbigwho · 15/08/2016 08:37

Err, they are. Not for booking a holiday, but for suggesting you move it so they don't miss out.

anniroc · 15/08/2016 08:37

I think it depends on whether you think this will cause a huge family rift. If you think it will, then I'd move it so as to avoid 'It's such a shame we weren't at our grandchild's first birthday' etc for months to come.

LineyReborn · 15/08/2016 08:37

They must have known they were booking a holiday that clashed with your daughter's first birthday, so why didn't they check with you first if they didn't want to 'miss out' on any celebration?

Their actions are contradictory.

Why should you re-book your arrangements to accommodate their holiday?

Gazelda · 15/08/2016 08:37

I think they've been a bit thoughtless. It was obvious from your plans that this is a big deal to you. And no, why should you change the date?

However I think you are being unreasonable if,you are expecting them to change their holiday - I guess it would cost them ££.

I think you're just going to have to accept each other's viewpoints and then plan a special 'welcome home for holiday' tea with DD and grandparents.

emilybrontescorset · 15/08/2016 08:37

Don't move the party.
They know when their grandchild birthday is so it's entirely Upto them whether they go on holiday or go to the party.

Try to not give it any more thought.

Only1scoop · 15/08/2016 08:38

They Abu to ask you to move the date....

They forgot

Just carry on with your plans as normal. I wouldn't be overly offended personally, but that's just me.

Coconutty · 15/08/2016 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinosaursRoar · 15/08/2016 08:43

They are being U - you made it clear this was more of a "welcoming her to the family" party, like a christening, so it's not really about if she'll remember it or not, it's for extended family, and you explained it to pil. Even if they forgot the date. They should remember the month and checked.

Go ahead with the party. Send them an invite and don't mention it again, invite the rest of the family and enjoy the day- big breezy smile if anyone asks where they are "oh they decided to go on holiday." Act like it doesn't bother you. Must be hard for DH, assume it won't feel the same having an "introduce dd to the family" party without his parents.

GlindatheFairy · 15/08/2016 08:46

I shouldn't worry about it. Get together with them when they return and have a small family birthday tea.

My in-laws are always on holiday or busy and I don't think have ever been both there at the same time for DD1's birthday which is in July. They are more often around for DD2's as it's in winter. We just do separate things - which you do anyway when they go to school and have parties with classmates.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/08/2016 08:46

Go ahead with the party, and suggest doing something when they get back.

It was their mistake and it's unfortunate that they'll miss out, but there you go.

Original poster

ProseccoPoppy · 15/08/2016 08:48

Thank you for all the replies! I'm absolutely not expecting them to change their holiday now it's booked! DH might as be he's a lot more pissed off than me I can just see a load of pa "what a shame you had DGD's party when we couldn't come" rubbish. We generally get on really well so I was just a bit about the whole thing really. I don't desperately mind if they are there or not, it just would have been nice to have everyone. Never mind, won't overthink, will assume it was a genuine accident and we'll meet them for cake or something when they're back.

OP posts:

RiverTam · 15/08/2016 08:51

If they are in general 'good' grandparents who are involved and love their GDC etc then I would carry on with your plans and it'll be forgotten about. I reckon they are now embarrassed/cross with themselves for double booking and are, as people do,making it out on you. Just leave it.

Obviously, if there's a load of other issues with them then that's bollocks.

mrsfuzzy · 15/08/2016 08:51

are they religious ? just a thought, they might be a bit miffed as there won't be a christening - pretty pointless if you don't attend church [another thread], perhaps holiday was booked as a knee jerk thinking you'd dance to their tune, do they have form for this sort of thing ?

ptumbi · 15/08/2016 08:51

anniroc I think it depends on whether you think this will cause a huge family rift. If you think it will, then I'd move it so as to avoid 'It's such a shame we weren't at our grandchild's first birthday' etc for months to come. - you what? They don't remember their own granddaughters birthday date? And you think it best to smile and change all OPs plans to suit them?

Fuck that. It's the start of a controlling relationship - giving way over something as important as a family get-together - that they had been told about ! And they should know their own gdd birthday!

Thornyrose7 · 15/08/2016 08:58

Please don't change the party OP, just go ahead and have a lovely time.
My in laws did something simililar to us. No need for it to cause a rift either though, just stick to your guns on the party. It is their mistake, not yours.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/08/2016 09:00

Of course don't move it, you've already told other people the date.

If they make any 'what a pity you left us out' comments, be briskly factual - you know the date of her birthday, we gave plenty of notice of the party, it was a pity you couldn't come - and move on. Or tease them mercilessly about needing a diary / to check their diary before booking holidays.

KitKat1985 · 15/08/2016 09:00

They are being unreasonable for expecting you to move the date. I can understand why they forgot about a one year old's birthday party though (in the nicest possible way it's one of those things that often only direct parents can get that excited about), and I wouldn't have expected extended family to organise their holiday plans around it.

TaLLyHOnellie · 15/08/2016 09:02

Stick to the booking and don't stand for any PA crap of them saying how they missed it. Just reply well you were told the date and choose to go away

SisterMoonshine · 15/08/2016 09:03

Had they understood what a big party you wanted - extended family etc?
My DH is self employed and that means the opposite of going away whenever we want. It's far easier for me to book annual leave from an employer.

CotswoldStrife · 15/08/2016 09:04

Is your DH going to be upset if the party goes ahead? You've picked the nearest weekend to your daughter's birthday for the party (I'm assuming from what you've said), are his parents around for her actual birthday itself?

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