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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are DH and I being U or are PILs

56 replies

ProseccoPoppy · 15/08/2016 08:32

DH has had a bit of a "discussion" with his parents over the weekend". We're planning a party for DD's first birthday in a couple of months time. We know she won't remember it but we're planning it as a big family and friends get together, it's instead of a christening as we're not religious and a chance for wider extended family to meet DD. DH and I are looking forward to it. We've told PILs all this and gave them the date ages ago. Now they have booked a holiday abroad over DD's birthday. Apparently they forgot. They are self employed and could have booked for any time and have been away several times this year already. DH is pretty fed up/pissed off and is reading it as "they don't care enough to remember" and has told them they're being crap. PILs have suggested we move the party to "another weekend" as they "don't want to miss out". We're busy the weekend before and after and tbh we would like the party the weekend of her birthday (as planned and as we've booked the venue for). We're going to go ahead as planned, but without them. It's a shame they'll miss it but there you go. They think we are being highly unreasonable. I think they are, but happy to hear an alternative perspective...?

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/08/2016 09:07

I'd suspect that it is all power and control - they deliberately didn't check to see if their break overlapped with your party, and they expect you to change to suit them.

Well FUCK THAT.

Missgraeme · 15/08/2016 09:08

If u change the date u are setting yourself up to always dancing to their tune in the future. Wish them Bon Voyage and enjoy the party!!

trafalgargal · 15/08/2016 09:08

Unless they have lots of other grandchildren then it isn't unreasonable for them to have considered in their holiday planning to have checked whether you had plans for a first birthday celebration if attending was important to them.

If they get all PA I'd be temped to laugh and say "Yes no one could believe you forgot when

SaucyJack · 15/08/2016 09:20

You must know it's them, and not you. Is this usual behaviour for them?

Don't move the date of the party unless you want to start a precedent for running around after GPs who can't or won't get their shit together.

puglife15 · 15/08/2016 09:31

Yanbu, and they massively are. But I wouldn't give them a hard time about it.Talk it through with your DH, to help him deal with it. And come up with some great responses to PA comments they might make, like "I know, such a shame you couldn't come. We'll have to tattoo dd's birthday on your forehead haha!"

ChatEnOeuf · 15/08/2016 09:31

So their grandchild's birthday has been forgotten/ignored. And the party you invited to them to has been forgotten and ignored. And they are expecting you to move it, inconveniencing yourselves and everyone else you've invited? And they don't think they are unreasonable? They fucked up and are trying to shift the blame.

Have a lovely party. And any PA shit that comes later can be met with a firm "Yes. It is a shame you decided to go away".

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 15/08/2016 09:46

DH telling them they are crap is pretty poor form, it was an invite not a demand. They are free to attend or make other plans.

Maybe they genuinely forgot the date when booking, it's important to you but not as much to them.

The little is one and won't remember anything, the party is for the adults at the end of the day.

middlings · 15/08/2016 09:48

YANBU, they are.

Enjoy it without them and in regards to the PA behaviour, challenge it.

"Oh what a shame you arranged the party for when we didn't come."

"We told you the date and you arranged the holiday to overlap with it. So really, it's 'what a shame you arranged your holiday in such a way that means you will miss the party'!"

It's amazing how quickly PA behaviour disappears when challenged....

teatowel · 15/08/2016 09:58

Why do people always assume it is about 'power and control'. Do they really think PIL's booked the holiday deliberately on the weekend so they could then force a change of date. Much more likely is that they saw the holiday, booked it and then realised their mistake. They are probably upset, feel guilty and so their reaction is to ask if it can be changed. OP says she gets on with them normally so I'm sure when they think about it the PIL's will know they are unreasonable and wish them well. I'm sure we all have double booked ourselves- sometimes even for important things. Sometimes your brain just doesn't engage when you are sorting dates out. I hope you have a lovely party OP.

Careforadrink · 15/08/2016 10:01

Yanbu

Don't you dare change the party. They have options. It's not your problem.

Whatsername17 · 15/08/2016 10:03

I'd respond to any 'what a shame blah blah' comments with a breezy and bright 'well you know when her birthday is and we told you about the party and you booked the holiday anyway....' There is no point in having a birthday party weeks after the fact. If it meant that much to them they'd have put it in the calendar.

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/08/2016 10:04

IME the people who genuinely made a mistake will be really upset but accepting of that fact that they've fucked up and have to live with the consequences. The ones who thrive on power and control are the ones who tend to make PA digs. PILs sound like the latter to me.

redroses86 · 15/08/2016 10:26

My PIL did exactly this for my DD's first birthday and second birthday. Neither of which we had big parties for, just small family gatherings. Both times they booked a holiday over her actual date of birth and both times said they 'just forgot'.
I agree with your DH, was upset that they'd managed to forget the birthday of their only grandchild, not once but twice.

I've accepted it now and see it as their loss, you'll have a lovely time.
Go ahead without them.

RepentAtLeisure · 15/08/2016 10:33

If you get any passive-aggressive comments, remind them that you gave them plenty of notice.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 15/08/2016 10:36

I don't think they forgot, they just would rather have a holiday.

Dozer · 15/08/2016 10:38

Your H is U to be angry with them for forgetting the date IMO: it's a first birthday and the baby just won't notice who's there or not. If it's important to him to have his parents there and he'd made this obvious then it'd have been nice for them to have remembered for his sake, but not a huge deal IMO.

They are being U to suggest moving the date; and would also be U to make comments in future when they were told the date well before they booked their trip.

YelloDraw · 15/08/2016 10:45

They aren't being hugely U to miss the party, they are being massively U to ask you to move the date!

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 15/08/2016 10:52

"What a shame you had DGD's party when we couldn't come"

"Yes, we were sad you chose not to come this year, but never mind, we had a lovely time and there's always next year."

Seriously, indulging PA crap unchallenged doesn't make you the bigger person, just a more effective victim. I've spent years figuring that out by hard experience with a certain family member who likes to dish it out. They knew the date, you gave them notice, whether accidentally or not they booked their holiday to clash. Oh well.

Don't run around providing alternatives and special teas and compensating, you're all grown ups. Go or don't go, but if you choose not to go you don't get to witter and guilt that an event should have been specially rearranged just to suit you.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/08/2016 10:57

Do they have about 207 grandchildren? If yes, I can kind of understand that they forgot when her 1st (!) birthday was. But they are still unreasunable expecting you to change when you have already booked. Why don't they change the travel plans instead?

Benedikte2 · 15/08/2016 11:06

I'm guessing it was FIL who did the booking and we all know that most men rely on their DM , DW or whatever to remember birthdays for them.
You have put time and effort into organising the party and presumably everyone else has received an invitation and has kept the date free so you would be inconsiderate to them to rearrange. Stick to your guns and have a lovely time
Good luck

sunshinemeg · 15/08/2016 11:14

100% them!

I'm actually a bit surprised at the comments saying

You can't expect them to change a holiday - but yet they knew it would clash with her actual birthday date, you'd told them you were holding a gathering and it would clash with that.

You want to avoid the 'shame we missed the gathering' - yep but that's what happens when you book a holiday after we tell you it's happening.

Your DD won't know - until she looks at photos when she is older.

They are out of order and totally selfish. If you change it now you lose money for the venue in sure, and they know they can pull this Crap again.

GabsAlot · 15/08/2016 11:20

they forget their dgd birthday? her first one?

yeah ok-more like ooh its a cheap holiday she'll move theparty it doesnt matter much

FellOutOfBed2wice · 15/08/2016 11:24

My SIL did this. Was DDs christening, they "forgot" and booked a holiday. Caused a huge rift that's never really healed. DH was gutted his sister was such a cow about it. This was in the wider context of her being a bit of a shit auntie, but it's not on.

Dozer · 15/08/2016 11:51

But why on earth should she prioritise a christening over a holiday?! Is she even a christian?

Aeroflotgirl · 15/08/2016 11:57

Yanbu a bit shitty of them. Have the party when you planned, if they miss it their loss. If they really wanted to attend they wod have kept the date or asked you to clarify the date before booking the holiday.

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