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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this banter

85 replies

YourNewspaperIsShit · 13/08/2016 23:19

If some people in your group of friends on a chat says "wish you were here... not" when they're out together and you're stuck at home, is that like a 'bantery' thing or should I be as upset as I am?

I am quite sensitive and don't understand insinuations, etc so willing to be wrong here. Actually hoping I am Blush

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 14/08/2016 02:19

Ok, even if your update was passive aggressive, the correct way most adults respond is to simply ignore and not feed it.
They have been rude, bullying cunts in my opinion.
Banter is only 'banter' if it goes two ways and both parties are having a laugh. I banter with my partner all the time. We say shocking things to each other, but the tone of voice is absolutely key and we are both very aware we are joking (we also do this to the dog, cat and baby!). If either of us were even remotely upset by what was said we would be mortified and not do it.
Blaming 'banter' is simply an excuse when one person is acting like a twat. In fact, I think it's an acronym;
Being
A
Nasty
Twat?
Excuse
Ready.

Kitsandkids · 14/08/2016 08:52

If I saw someone write what you wrote, and I was out, I wouldn't think it was you having a sly dig, I'd feel guilty for not inviting you and make sure I did next time. They sound very unkind and not people you need in your life.

ABloodyDifficultWoman · 14/08/2016 09:01

Banter. The new way of saying "I speak as I find, me" aka "I'm a rude cunt doing this on purpose and I challenge you to chuck it back at me because then I can say 'Oh, it's just banter'"

SouthWindsWesterly · 14/08/2016 09:13

Its not like OP tagged anyone in her post. It does sound generic to be fair. I've been on the end of a FB post that clearly had a pop at me for not inviting them when it was a surprise party for me. The adult thing is to ignore and maybe chat later, not go all out and lay into someone who is family on social media. That's just plain nasty.

OP - may I suggest you go low contact with your SIL now. Be polite, talk about the weather if necessary but give yourself space and time.

ShockedABC · 14/08/2016 09:18

Ok the post was a little bit PA but at the same time it looks as though this has been brewing and they just wanted and excuse to blow their bitchy tops and that gave them the excuse.
They sound like totall wankers, and you have DP onside so that's good.
Turn off the internet today and spend time with those around you that love you

Fuck them.

Diglet · 14/08/2016 09:36

I think you need to own the fact that your post was PA and childish. It doesn't make the response from your BFs sister OK though.

Was she a good friend or more of a casual friend?

You all sound very young Confused

ayeokthen · 14/08/2016 09:38

OP, that's awful! And really really cruel. To be honest it says more about them than it does about you though, keep that in mind. It sounds like schoolyard bullying, which is horrific. I hope you're ok, please don't let them make you feel like you're wrong, because it's them who are wrong, and really horrible.

balls2DWall · 14/08/2016 09:52

(not that i couldn't go, they just stopped inviting me a couple months ago)

I thought you said you didn't know they were out?

HeddaLettuce · 14/08/2016 10:00

I'm guessing its part of a pattern of pass ag vaguebooking directed at people, and they know it, and they've had enough of it.
You presented it as them just being mean for no reason, but I don't think thats accurate.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 14/08/2016 10:05

balls well I obviously found out they were when she started having a go at me Hmm But I didn't know they were when I put my post up, what I'm saying is I didn't expect an invite from them so it really wasn't about them

Yes we were close and I really didn't know she didn't like me. I probably do sound young, we're in our late 20's and yes it all is very childish including what I put but I was only having a moan I certainly wouldn't be the first person, my feed is full of "I wish it was sunny", "can't believe i did so many push ups at the gym arms are so sore" and various other things. Surely social media is 80% people wanting attention for their mundane lives. I've got so upset I've deleted those apps now anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 14/08/2016 10:07

Hedda, well you are extremely incorrect. I have never in my entire life posted anything directed at someone. If I had a problem I'd just tell them, I honestly don't see the point in not telling someone Confused

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HandbagCrazy · 14/08/2016 10:07

How are you this morning OP?

I know it's not about your autism specifically but do they know about this? I ask as I have a friend with autism and I react a little differently to things she says as I know she thinks about things a little bit differently than me (she too is very literal and after a few misunderstandings, I am very direct with her now as it's not fair to make her feel confused when I can adjust my vocab to make things easier for her).

I think your dp's family are being horrible regardless of any of that. It's very self-involved of them to take your general snap chat post and assume they're so important that it's about them. It's also childish of them to send the message that they did - it's the kind of thing teenagers do. It feels like bullying to me and I sincerely hope your dp will support you in how you handle this - if it were me I would be expecting a heartfelt sorry at the very least.

Also - to all the posters who are saying it was your choice to have children, does that mean that once you have dc, you can never complain of the tiredness they cause, the money they cost or the way they impact your life? Of course not! And the OP posted for support, on what is meant to be a supportive forum. There's no need to be so harsh!

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 14/08/2016 10:08

Also they hadn't 'had enough' of anything social media related. I was told I wasn't liked because I was weird and pathetic

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/08/2016 10:10

Hmm... The banter point is moot now, it wasn't banter.

Vaguebooking is annoying, and it will have felt that it was aimed at everyone who was out - which you've said is everyone you know; so you did know she was out. It may not have been specifically aimed at her, but it was aimed at everyone who was out last night and hadn't invited you. Everyone who saw it will have been annoyed by it - just most will roll their eyes and ignore it, and clearly DPs sister didn't.

It's not an excuse for what she did next, in any form; but it's probably an important thing to acknowledge so it doesn't happen again.

Anyway; whether this is how she actually feels or whether this is alcohol speaking, fuelled by feeling attacked by your post, is hard to say. It seems likely that she at least doesn't like you as much as you like her. I'd consider accepting an apology if she really meant it, but I wouldn't socialise with her and I'd probably add her to block lists so she won't see future posts from you. Unfriending her may be a bit harsh.

I'm sorry they were so mean. At least you know where you stand now.

(PS I know this was snapchat not Facebook; but the same concepts apply. It wasn't an appropriate thing to express on social media. I would remove it from your story (if you have that feature; I know not everyone does) and try to forget about it. Remember the lesson; but forgive yourself and move on.)

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 14/08/2016 10:12

Thank you Handbag, I'm definitely feeling less upset and weepy but disappointed I couldn't tell I wasn't liked before it got so far Sad

I'm not sure if DP has ever mentioned it, they definitely know I have mental health difficulties but possibly not that it's Autism. Maybe that's why they think I'm weird though

I totally agree with you, I have no problems staying in With DC all the time i was just having a one off whinge but I feel like somehow everyone else can do thing and if I do it, its really wrong Sad

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/08/2016 10:17

Cross-posts.

my feed is full of "I wish it was sunny", "can't believe i did so many push ups at the gym arms are so sore" and various other things. Surely social media is 80% people wanting attention for their mundane lives.

No, not really. I'd hide anyone that posted like that, it's very attention seeking and not at all social, which is the point of social media. Facebook and Twitter used to be like this, years ago, but it's evolved. It's for conversations and plans and sharing things.

Hedda, well you are extremely incorrect. I have never in my entire life posted anything directed at someone.

The common interpretation of what you said is that it is aimed at someone. You may not have intended it that way, but that's how it is seen. Everyone you know who was out last night and saw that post will have felt that it was aimed at them. That's how it comes across.

I think perhaps your autism is affecting how you thought you'd be interpreted, and how you actually were, and that's going to make understanding their response much harder. Could DP help here?

To be honest, if they've said you are pathetic and weird, I wouldn't talk to them again. I'd also get rid of social media if it made me feel lonely, it doesn't suit everyone - there's far more people that have Facebook and Snapchat than actually should. If it doesn't make you happy, if it makes you feel lonely, I'd get rid of it.

I am sorry. Really. I just think it's important to understand how your message played into this, even if it didn't deserve such a vitriolic response, so history doesn't repeat itself.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 14/08/2016 10:19

I just don't understand how it was aimed at people that hadn't invited me because I hadn't expected an invite from anyone? Everyone I know is a lot of people, I suppose some were at home but they hadn't posted stories, there were 20+ stories of people I know (and some I don't) in clubs etc and it looked fun that was all. The kids had been asleep for hours and I was just bored. I don't usually get invited by anyone to be honest, so they couldn't assume it was aimed at them really. I wouldn't have wrote it if I thought it would be taken like that

If I saw someone type that and it was someone I didn't usually invite out, I would just flick past it really

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 14/08/2016 10:21

I mean I'm willing to just never do it again but it's not like it's something i do often, to me it was like saying "Im so bored, wish I was on holiday" and then someone who was on holiday kicking off at me Confused

OP posts:
MessyBun247 · 14/08/2016 10:24

Sound like a joke with a jag ie they're being nasty fuckers but will say 'oh it was banter, you can't take a joke'. Not nice.

HeddaLettuce · 14/08/2016 10:24

Hedda, well you are extremely incorrect. I have never in my entire life posted anything directed at someone. If I had a problem I'd just tell them, I honestly don't see the point in not telling someone

REally? Because it very much sounds like you wanted to be out, knew they were out, and were having a dig about not being invited.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 14/08/2016 10:29

Hedda well you're wrong. There's not much else I can say. I don't "have a dig" at anyone.

I saw 20+ feeds of people clubbing, had no idea that one of those feeds included this person. Made a flippant comment about being bored and wishing I was doing the same thing as everyone else on a Saturday night. Considering how many people go out on a Saturday night I can't see how it could be anymore vague.

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Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 14/08/2016 10:30

If I knew they were out and wanted to go and didn't have the kids I'd just ask if I could come.....

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 14/08/2016 10:30

They must have been having an awesome night out if they were so bored they found the time to check snapchat and try and upset someone. Sounds like not going out with them would be a plus.

(I do agree though moaning your kids restrict your social life is a bit irritating no one forces us to have kids )

daisychain01 · 14/08/2016 10:30

Newspaper it's very isolating when you have DC and are home with them, esp because you are reading all the updates from family/friends partying and having fun.

You're better off not looking at Facebook at times like that, all it does is make you feel worse, and you're exposing yourself to further upset by sharing with people. They will just see it as moaning/ pity partying, no matter how you word your post.

I wouldn't give them the time of day, honestly they aren't worth it!

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 14/08/2016 10:31

dropped. Great acronym!